


Forsaken by our Future

by Caroaimezoe



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: 9/11 AU, Alternate Universe - Human, Cheating, Drug Abuse, F/M, Love Triangles, M/M, Turtlecest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-05-27 07:55:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 117,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15020114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caroaimezoe/pseuds/Caroaimezoe
Summary: Working as a firefighter in early 2000s New York, Raph struggles to cope with the aftereffects of the terrorist attacks of 9/11 with drugs and the help of someone who understands what he's going through: a police captain named Leonardo.





	1. The Towers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first six chapters are a commission of me by DuzMachine. I gave them some ideas for it, and then, continued the story. My English was sucking even more at the time, so here a new version of it, polished. I did not touch Duz part, and I have tried to stay respectful of the first six chapters written by them. They give me permission to post it again. For my usual readers, you will see some scene similar to other stories I had written after that, but this story is REALLY different.

Never before, even in the years since he'd become a firefighter and rushing headfirst into burning buildings had become commonplace, had Raphael breathed such dark, thick air. Ash swirled through the air as though a volcano had blown its top nearby. The oppressive heat of the grey air made his eyes sting and his throat ache, but Raph trudged towards the sound of screaming and crumbling buildings anyway. The refugees, for that was what the people of Manhattan had become that day, ran past him, tears streaking their dirty faces as they covered their noses and mouths with torn sleeves, trying in vain to block out the stench of burning bodies and jet fuel. Raphael kept walking, wordlessly directing the people around him away from the wreckage and towards the ambulances lining adjacent streets, the gurneys he'd seen rolled out of the hospital when his crew had driven past on their way into the City.

When the first plane had slammed into the North Tower, Raph had been gearing up for the day at a narrow brick station in Brooklyn. Elsewhere, the nation turned to the news, but the men and women of Rescue 2 did not have time to watch the news broadcasts blasting over every station; they were heading into Manhattan even before the second plane struck the South Tower.

From the moment they were on the ground, however, it was chaos. Raph had quickly lost the rest of his team and struggled to establish communication with any commanding officers. That was alright; he'd never been the best at respecting authority anyway and there was too much horror in front of him to stop and worry about orders. He knew what he needed to do; search and rescue.

Limbs, bloody and limp, stuck out from piles of rubble. Huge, gaping holes stood stark against the sky, fireballs blazing within. The South Tower was swaying, as skyscrapers tended to, but something about the motion made Raph feel sick and uneasy. Overhead, the fires blazed and people gripped the edges of the Tower's broken glass windows, faced with the impossible decision of jumping or facing the inferno. For as long as he lived, Raphael would never forget the sight of people making that impossible choice and jumping, falling to certain death rather than being burned alive. In the years to come, he'd see it behind his eyelids every time he tried to sleep, bodies sailing through the air with nothing to hope for other than a quick, painless death.

"Get back," Raph yelled, directing the people streaming out of the nearby North Tower exits down the cracking sidewalks, "as far away from here as you can!"

"Hey! Firefighter!"

Raph's head swiveled. Jogging towards him was a police officer, a captain judging by his white shirt. It had probably been clean and crisply pressed at some point but now hung on the man's muscular frame in filthy tears. He was older than Raph, maybe in his mid-thirties with just a touch of gray beginning to impose on his temples and a few thin lines around his almond eyes.

"Yea-?"

"This way," the man said, his voice clear and authoritative. Raph frowned but followed. His own pride could take a backseat for once. There were more pressing matters.

"A civilian was caught when..." he gestured noncommittally to the scene around them, "I can't get in touch with anyone on the radio and you were the first person I saw; help me."

"Got it," Raph answered, easily falling into step with the police captain, his own long strides matching the man's short, quick steps. Surveying the area, Raph realized they wouldn't be able to get equipment in to move the rubble; there was too much destruction, sidewalks peeling away from the ground, streets crackling like broken eggshells. They'd only be able to move what their muscles would allow.

"Help me!" A woman screamed hysterically, tears rolling down her pinched face, when Raph and the policeman got closer; her body was squashed into concrete slabs like paper-mâché and it seemed to take forever to get her loose. Another trend of the time, the time distortion. Raph would never quite be able to remember what had happened first, last, or in-between. In reality, it took only a couple of seconds for Raph to help the officer grip the piece of debris pinning the woman down and lift it away. Her leg came free, mangled and dangling sickly from her hip socket and she cried like she'd never be able to stop, rolling helplessly away from the rocks.

"She ain't gonna wa-" Raph began but, before he finished, the officer looped his arm around the woman's torso and lifted her, carrying her over his shoulders.

"I'll take her," he said and Raph nodded, watching the man take off towards the hospital gurneys, whispering soft words of comfort to the injured, but alive, woman.

One down, thousands to go.

"Jones!" Raph's radio crackled to life and he ripped it off his jacket, pressing down the talk button.

"Present, ma'am," he replied, stalking up Broadway back towards the towers. "Heading to North Tower now-"

A deep rumbling in the ground stole his voice and, for a moment, Raph thought it was an earthquake. Of all the days for a natural disaster, this was not it. But it wasn't an earthquake and with a plume of smoke and ash, the South Tower came down straight down into the earth like Jericho's walls. The ground rippled and rocked like a ship and Raph couldn't keep his balance against the pitching.

"Damn!" Raph exclaimed, falling to his knees in time to get a face of heavy dust cloud. Lifting his arms, he shielded his face and squeezed his eyes shut tight. Each shard of glass sliced through his muscles and each scrap of fluttering paper was weaponized by the force of the collapse; never had he felt such a literal interpretation of death by a thousand paper cuts.

When the air cleared enough for Raph to see, the South Tower was gone, leaving behind only piles of twisted foundation.

His radio was silent once more as Raph climbed to his feet. Overhead, the tower shuddered and shifted, threatening to join its fallen twin, no matter how many lives inside and below would be lost. What did the building care, when its insides were ablaze and its bricks melted into the street? Raph could hear people pounding at exits blocked by rocks and broken concrete. Swallowing, he took off at a run, trying not to look at what had been the South Tower just a few seconds ago.

Vaulting himself at one of the doors, he began to throw away pieces of rubble. Without a ladder or any heavier equipment, there wasn't much else he could do. Other first responders joined him, a haggard policewoman with blood leaking from her left ear and a dead-eyed EMT, and together they opened a hole big enough for those trapped within to claw their way out. For what seemed like hours but was likely only minutes, Raph circled the tower like an animal, finding any weak spot he could exploit and tearing it open. People spilled out from the holes, flooding the streets with their screams as they ran away. Those who couldn't walk had to be carried by others, because Raph couldn't allow himself to leave the tower. Not yet, not when there were still people inside that he might be able to get out.

But after a while, there were no more emergency doors to open. The tower groaned miserably on its foundation and Raph took a few steps back, letting himself look skyward. Just like the South Tower before it, the North Tower rocked and pitched, shaking loose screaming people from the upper levels like leaves from an autumn tree. They fell like leaves but landed like bombs, exploding into the concrete, churning Raph's soul in helpless grief. How could he save them?

"JONES!" Captain Bridge screeched at Raph from his radio once again, breaking the hold of the train wreck above had on his psyche. "What's your 20!?"

"The base of 1 World Tra-"

"1 Worl – Jones, the whole damn thing is gonna come down! Pull your head out of your ass and get out of there!"

He could feel the familiar rumbling again, the same way it had felt half an hour ago – could it possibly be only half an hour? - when the South Tower had collapsed. Captain Bridge was right; if he didn't haul ass out of there, he was going to be flat as a pancake. If he was lucky. If not, they'd be scraping disembodied pieces of him up with a spatula.

"Clear the area!" He yelled as he ran, motioning for people to move away, but it was near impossible to hear his hoarse voice over the drone of fire and creaking metal. Most people got the idea anyway, even without Raph's direction. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that the swaying tower was unstable or to feel the roll of the ground. The few who didn't move got Raph's hands on their arms, their backs, pulling them to their feet and shoving them on their way. A hunched, crying woman, too scared to continue. A child frozen in fear. He felt for them, sure, but they could feel all that mess later. Right now, they needed to get to safety, because that second tower was coming down. As close as he was, Raph didn't know if there was even enough time to put a safe distance between himself and the dying structure. All he could do was try, though. Raph ducked his head and ran.

When the North Tower fell, the air behind him swelled with pressure then burst, sending out shock waves of debris and displaced wind that howled like a shrill devil in Raph's popping ears. For a moment, Raph was weightless, as though he was caught on an ocean wave. Then the wave broke, slamming Raph face first against the fractured concrete. He laid still, blood haloing out from where his skull had smashed sickeningly into a curb, sounding like a bowl cracking, thick and heavy even through the cacophony of the falling tower. His lids closed and his mouth fell slack, unconscious to the papers and pebbles flying over his body, half burying his mass in a shallow, imperfect grave.

"Jones! JONES!" Captain Bridge shrieked, her voice undulating in voltaic distress, but Raph did not respond.

Bright light fought its way through Raphael's closed lids and he groaned, lolling his head away from the offending sun. Drums pounded in his head, far more cheerful and lively than he felt the situation warranted. Even without opening his eyes, Raph knew that he was in a hospital. The acrid scent of harsh sanitation assaulted his nostrils, masking the undertones of unpleasant bodily fluids. Through the percussion in his ears, Raph could hear nurses and doctors bustling, speaking in urgent, rushed tones. Everywhere, there was crying, but it was a dull din in the background, something far away and detached, muffled by a closed door.

"Imagine what it must sound like out there."

"Huh?" Raph's eyes popped open. He was in a simple room with four occupied beds, one his own. Two of the inhabitants slept or were unconscious, Raph couldn't tell, but the third was staring at him with calm, brown eyes.

"You," Raph said, blinking at the police captain from earlier, the one who had carried that woman off towards the hospital … before? An hour, a day. Raph had no idea how long he'd been here.

"I'm Leonardo," the man said, nodding a simple greeting. "Nice to meet you, Raphael."

"How do you know my name?"

Leonardo shrugged his shoulders easily and for the first time Raph noticed the wads of gauze and bandages around the man's left arm, just above the elbow. Below the dressings was empty space. Raph swallowed harshly, averting his eyes from the wound; Leonardo had lost an arm sometime after Raph had helped him free that lady.

His black hair was disheveled and dirty, hanging in his eyes and obscuring them. Leonardo tossed his head every now and then, but it didn't matter. It hung in his eyes anyway. Thin cuts crisscrossed his body, making him look like a ronin from the old black and white samurai movies Raph sometimes watched late at night. Even injured, even with his skin translucent as paper, showing the purple and blue veins spider webbed under the surface, Leonardo had an air of strength and calm.

"I heard your doctor say it," Leonardo explained. If he noticed Raph look away, he didn't comment on it.

"Raph," he said, struggling to sit up. "No one calls me Raphael but my ma."

"Okay," Leonardo replied. "Raph. My friends call me Leo. You might want to lay back down; you've been out for a day and a half."

Raph ignored Leo's suggestion and wrenched himself up in the cot, using the metal rails to brace himself. At least now he knew how long he'd been here. Other than the persistent beating in his head, Raph didn't feel too terrible. Not bad enough to stay in the hospital, anyway. Hell, he'd had hangovers worse than this. He could just imagine Angel if he tried to call in – Oh, shit, Angel! Though Angel was his captain, she was also his friend and had been for a couple of years. She was a firecracker of a woman, coiled like a furious jack-in-the-box, always ready to pop. Normally, she'd cuss him up one way and down the other for not checking in but, somehow, Raph doubted that would be the case this time.

Leo was watching him from across the narrow space between their beds, silently waiting for Raph to process whatever it was he was thinking through.

"My captain," he said, reaching towards the phone on their shared nightstand. "And my family. I gotta let 'em know I'm okay."

"The phones are down," Leo said.

Raph pretended not to hear and jabbed in the numbers anyway. A jarring, repetitive tone angrily scolded Raph for his efforts. Scowling, he slammed the receiver down. It skidded across the nightstand and clattered to the floor, that noise still blaring out from the speaker as the receiver swayed back and forth on its spiral cord.

Leaning, Leo grabbed the cord in his hand and yanked it upwards, catching the phone with his single hand when it flew into the air. He hung it up, understanding Raph's frustration. Leo would have felt the same, if his own supervisor, deputy inspector Oroku, hadn't already found him and checked in. With her hard, amber eyes flashing, Karai had assured Leo that she would file all the necessary paperwork for his medical leave and then ordered him to rest and recover as quickly as possible. He'd agreed and asked her to please inform his aging father of his condition. Though Leo's father, Yoshi, lived several hours away in a rural part of Massachusetts, Karai had promised that she would.

Leo knew the loss of his arm meant that his days in the field were over. He tried not to be sad about it; since he'd been promoted to captain, he spent less and less time in the field anyway, but it was difficult not to feel at least somewhat disappointed. Though Leonardo excelled at the political landmine of upper management, he didn't hold the same passion for it as he did being in the field. Delivering press conferences just didn't get the blood pumping the same way chasing down a perp did.

"You don't value your talents," Karai would say and Leo didn't argue with her, though he knew that she did not understand. It wasn't that Leo didn't see value in the work he did; he just didn't care about the political game.

Leo stared at the stump where his arm used to be. He supposed it was the game from here on out.

"Didja overhear the doc say how long I'm gonna be here?"

"Huh?" Leo lifted his head; he hadn't been paying attention to Raph. "Oh, no. Sorry."

Sighing, Raph flopped down into his bed petulantly. Probably for a while, Leo thought, if he had any stitches and kept throwing himself around like a rag doll.

Now that all Raph's gear had been removed, Leo had a much clearer view of the fireman. He was tall and broad, taller and broader than Leo. His own muscles were respectable, but Raphael looked like someone who pumped iron like other people breathed oxygen. It wasn't an unattractive look; it suited him and defined his frame well. Raph was younger than Leo by at least five years, he was sure, maybe more. His eyes were almost identical in color to Karai's, but Leo could ignore the similarity. Raph's hair was like a fluffy storm cloud; one of the nurses had undone the tight bun at the base of Raph's neck when they'd finally laid him down and now all that hair hung loose around him.

"I'm sure the doctor will be in when she can," Leo said, trying to comfort his roommate.

Raph just nodded, clearly distracted. "Yeah."

Leo kept watching Raph, wanting to do something to ease his mind but nothing came to him. Asking about Raph's family would likely only cause more stress. Today was not the day to ask if Raph liked being a fireman. Anything more personal than that seemed unnecessarily invasive.

Frowning, Leo turned his eyes away and began to fidget awkwardly. This was why he didn't have any friends.

Besides the nightstand between their beds, the room was sparsely decorated. Two roll-away beds had been wheeled in and sleeping policemen laid on them; neither were from Leo's precinct and he hadn't met either before, at least not that he could recall. The nightstand had been shoved to one corner of the room to make space for the extra beds. An old, boxy television was bolted to the wall next to the bathroom door. The door was closed.

Without anywhere else to look, Leo idly rifled through the nightstand drawers. An old deck of cards laid at the bottom of the last drawer, a little old and bent, but perfectly usable, even if the deck stuck a bit when Leo tried to pick it up. Cards seemed like the perfect casual activity to help distract Raph until the doctor came.

"So, uh," Leo said, leaning back into his pillows. "You wanna play some cards?"

Raph gave Leo a side eye, watching as the policeman attempted to open the deck and shuffle the worn cards with a single hand. Even though he knew he probably shouldn't and Ma would slap him in the head for being so rude, Raph chuckled.

"A'ight, sure, but ya better let me shuffle, officer."

Many hands of cards later, nothing much had changed in the little room. Nurses bustled in and out every so often, changing Leo and Raph's IVs and muttering snippets of information too low and fast for them to be able to make out. Outside the doors that kept them shuttered in, people sped by, tears streaming down their faces, some practically running, hands over their mouths to hold back the screams.

They've seen their loved ones, Leo thought as he watched them over the top of Raph's dark, puffy head, glad that the passersby didn't notice him; how he must have looked with his singed hair and burned skin, not to mention the stump of his arm.

"Three hours?!" Raph exclaimed, throwing his cards down after what must have been their hundredth game, causing Leo to break out of his thoughts and blink. A large, digital clock on the wall across the hall displayed the relatively early time and Leo yawned, nodding in recognition of Raphael's frustration.

Two days and three hours was a long time to not know anything or see anyone, even if you had been unconscious for the great majority of it. He was curious to know if Karai had alerted any of his family as to his whereabouts. How much of the city lost power when the towers fell?

"It's only been three hours—for real?" Raph continued, staring at the clock with disgust. "Man, that clock must be busted."

"I have a watch," Leo said, smirking, laying his head back on his pillow, burnt hair crunching into the stark white of the pillow case.

Blinking, Raph sat up and instinctively peered over. When he didn't see a watch on the one intact wrist Leo had, he rolled his eyes and flopped back into place. "You don't need to say it, man, I got-."

"But it's on my other arm," Leo finished, ignoring Raph's groan at the tasteless joke.

"Are you high?" Raph asked, squinting at Leo from across the room.

Leo chuckled, finding himself quite funny for the joke though he wasn't offended that Raph didn't seem to think so. Turning his eyes to the IV in his arm, pumping him full of morphine and saline and who knew what else, he shrugged.

"Well, maybe a little," Leo admitted finally and Raph laughed.

The two sat there with companionable laughter, trying to tone it down when their other roommates shifted under the thin sheets, rolling over and mumbling in pained annoyance. Not that the hospital was exactly quiet. In fact, a dull roar was screeching up the hall towards their room. Spine straightening, Raph sat up as the sharp clack of heels and a high-pitched voice came closer. Leo watched him curiously, noting the way Raph turned his ear towards the door, listening.

Leo was just opening his mouth to ask what was the matter when the door burst open. A woman on the down slide of middle age spilled in, tears and mascara rolling down the pasty folds of her pleasantly fat face.

"Ma," Raph said, faintly shocked, and the woman flung herself across the room with open arms.

"Baby! My baby!"


	2. The Family

When Raph was five years old, he'd been adopted into the Jones family. They were a small, modest family who lived in a small, modest home in Midwood. On that day, Raph gained a mother and an older brother. Why Mrs. Jones, who came to be known affectionately as 'Ma', wanted another child Raphael had never asked. As for his brother, Casey was 5 years older and an incredible doofus, but he and Raph got on remarkably well. Being adopted didn't mean much to Raph; Ma and Casey were his family. Whether he'd come out of his ma's vagina or not didn't matter a whole hell of a lot. That wasn't what it meant to be a family, anyway. Whoever had pushed Raph out had left him at the hospital; he'd never even seen her after his birth, as far as he knew. What made that lady his mother over Ma? Not a damn thing.

He could still remember the first time he'd seen his ma. She was hard to forget, with her fire engine dyed hair spilling out of her rosie wrap and messy little Casey clutching her hand in his small, sticky one. The boys' home had a lot of adoption events where families would come in and look at the children like they were puppies for sale. Most of the families were prim and mild, giving the kids awkward, tight lipped smiles and pitying eyes, but not Casey and Ma. They were loud and ostentatious and honest. The children had gawked when Mrs. Jones sashayed down the corridors, teetering on her patent leather heels. Some laughed behind their hands and some laughed with open rudeness, but not Raph. Raph thought they were interesting and that Mrs. Jones, in all her animal-printed glory, looked fun. While the other kids stared and shuffled around the more presentable families, Raph had elbowed his way to the woman and her frowning son.

"Hi," he'd said, thrusting a grubby hand in her direction. "I'm Raphael."

"Well, hello there, little man," she replied with a voice sweet like melting honey, giving his hand a cursory shake. "I'm Mrs. Jones and this here is my son, Arnold."

"Hi," Raph'd said, redirecting his hand to the other child, the one she called Arnold. He'd later learn his full name was Arnold Casey Jones and Ma was the only one who could get away with calling him Arnold.

"What's wrong with his hair?" Casey had whisper-asked up at his mother, as though Raph wasn't standing right there and couldn't hear the question.

Defensively, Raph's hand went from Casey's to his head, gingerly tracing his fingers over the narrow dreadlocks lining his scalp and falling to his shoulders. Most of the time he wore them back in a thick ponytail but, for no particular reason, he hadn't today. He suddenly wished that he had.

"What's wrong with your hair?" Raph had shot back with a scowl, eyeing the greasy black tangles hanging limply by Casey's prominent ears. "Ain't cha got shampoo?"

For a moment, Casey just blinked at Raph, unsure of whether to be insulted by Raph's retort. Then a wide, toothy grin crested over Casey's face and he tilted his head back in a hearty, high laugh.

"You're funny!" Casey giggled, and Raph, unable to help it, found himself laughing too.

And so began the contentious relationship Raph had with his older brother. They teased one another often and mercilessly, but Casey was Raph's best friend and he couldn't ask for a better brother. They'd shared a room for most of their childhood, from the day Raph had went home with the Jones's until Casey moved out with his girlfriend, April.

Though his family was white as bleached cotton, Raph had never felt inferior. Ma accepted him as her own child and treated him no different than she treated Casey, for better or for worse. Honestly, with the woman's tenaciousness, Raph was surprised it had taken her as long as it did to find him in the hospital.

"Oh, Raphael!" Ma Jones cried, crossing the clinical room to hug Raph's face. She mashed his cheek into her bosom and cooed his name, raf-e-el, over and over, petting his hair like a child's.

Casey came in behind her, long tendrils of greasy black hair framing his face. He wore sweats and a tank top and the same well-defined muscles as Raphael. He too joined Raph on the bed, though he was far subtler about it than the woman.

"Oh, Raphael," she continued, stroking his face and pressing red-stained lips into his hair. "I was so worried about you! No call, nothin'!"

"Ma, the phones are down," Casey said and she cut sharp eyes to him.

"Don't you sass me, Arnold," she scolded and Casey looked down, kicking the tiled floor sheepishly.

"It took forever to find you, just fur-evah!" She continued in her heavy accent, like Raph's but lighter and more feminine. "We was so worried. Baby! My baby!"

"Okay, okay, ma," Raph said, patting her arms and attempting to peel her hands away, which were death viced into his biceps. She clutched him tighter and Raph gave up. "Ma, I'm okay. Ya can let go of me."

"I saw it all on the news," she continued, as though she had not heard Raphael at all. "I said to Casey, I said, your brother's there, Arnold, your brother!"

"She cried about four hundred times," Casey informed, clapping Raph's shoulder. "She was real worried 'bout you, man." Casey paused, looking contemplative, then shrugged his meaty shoulders. "Guess I was too. Glad you're a'ight, baby bro."

Raph patted Ma Jones's back in what he hoped was a soothing manner and nodded at Casey. Worrying his family didn't bring him any joy, but at least he had a good enough family to worry about him. And to go through the trouble of finding him, when so many systems were still non-functioning. He was luckier than most.

Luckier than Leo, maybe. Raph looked at the man as he comforted his mother. So far, no one had come to visit Leo. Maybe he didn't have family, or maybe they just hadn't found him yet. He had to have a commanding officer, but Angel hadn't made it in to see Raph yet, so maybe Leo's just hadn't either. Looking around the room, Raph frowned; there were a lot of first responders to sift through and it would probably be a while before he had a chance to talk with Angel, to let her and the rest of his company know that he was okay.

"Ma, I'm okay," Raph insisted again. With Casey's help, they pried her off and sat her on the edge of Raph's cot. Dabbing her eyes with a lace-trimmed handkerchief, she nodded absently and sniffled, mumbling under her breath about her baby and how unbelievable the situation was.

Raph agreed with her. He hadn't had a lot of opportunity to really think about what had happened and, honestly, he didn't really know. No news was on in the hospital room and no one had come in for him to ask, before his family.

"Ma, what happened?" Raph asked.

She rubbed her nose and wiped her eyes. "The news said it was terrorists."

Raph resisted the urge to sigh. He'd figured that much out on his own. Looking to Casey, Raph raised his eyebrows in question, but his brother shook his head, nodding towards their mother. Later, his expression said, and Raph reluctantly stopped his questioning.

Leonardo sat in polite silence as Raph reconciled with his family, but his mind was whirling. Terrorists. Like Raph, he'd already figured that out on his own. Karai hadn't given him any more information than Raph's mother. Who was it, and why? Those were the answers that would define the country's response, though Leo had been around long enough to know what this meant: The United States of America was going to war. Of that, he was sure.

After Raph's family had visited for a while, his mother touching his hair and face and Casey quietly berating her, the door opened. A tall, lean man with glasses perched upon his nose swept in. Dark circles ringed his chestnut eyes and his black hair was slicked into a ponytail.

"Don," Leo said, sitting up straighter in the bed. Raph looked up as well, and Leo motioned at the man. "Raph, this is Don. He's our doctor." When Raph continued to stare at him questioningly, Leo continued. "He's also my brother."

"Oh!" Ma Jones exclaimed, jumping out of the bed. "Oh, thank you for taking care of my baby, Dr. Don." Leo bit down a snicker at the expression crossing Don's face. The woman continued, asking the pertinent question. "When can Raphael come home?"

"Soon," Don replied, flipping through Raph's chart. "Now that's he's awake, it should be within a few hours. We want to keep him for observation."

Even as he spoke, Don's focus was elsewhere. Leonardo felt a bit awkward under his younger brother's gaze. Though they both knew it was against hospital policy for Leo to be Don's patient, neither cared. There was no one that Don would entrust the care of his brother to in this hospital; they were all quacks, as far as he was concerned. No way would he let one of those bozos butcher Leonardo.

Carefully, he took Leo's stump in his hands and turned it, judging the coagulation. The dressing should have been changed hours ago; where the hell were the nurses? Frowning, Don straightened up. He'd go get the supplies and do it himself, like he did everything-

Leo cleared his throat and Don paused, stopping to look at his brother. Tilting his head just a fraction, Leo motioned at the Jones family. It was only then that Don noticed how expectantly they were all staring at him.

"Oh," he said, flushing a bit. He flipped through his clipboard some more. "Raphael suffered some minor contusions and blunt force trauma to the head." Ma Jones wailed, hugging Raph to her, and Don kept going. "I'll draw up some discharge papers with more information on his condition but, really, he's fine. There's nothing to worry about."

Don looked to Leo and Leo gave a small nod of approval. "For now," Don said, sticking his hands into his coat pockets, clip board held between his arm and body, "I need you to please vacate the room. I need to attend to the other patients."

"We'll be right outside," Ma Jones promised, planting a messy kiss in the middle of Raph's forehead before sashaying out. She hugged Don too, for good measure, who patted her uncomfortably.

"Doc," Raph said after his family had left, "What about Leo?"

Blinking, Don looked from Raph to Leo. Leo shrugged. "Well," Don said, "other than the obvious, he's fine and he's a great candidate for a prosthetic. It's just a matter of time now. He'll be here for a day or two, then we'll release him."

"With his prosthetic?"

"No," Don answered, eyeing Leo suspiciously, wondering why Raphael was so concerned. "That comes later. His arm needs to heal and be properly shaped so that we can fit it with a prosthetic. It'll be a couple of months until he gets a new arm."

Done answering questions, Don left the room to gather the necessary supplies for Leo's arm, leaving Leo and Raph alone. Leo peered at his roommate, intrigued by his sudden interest in Leo's medical care.

"Don's a good doctor," Leo said. "A great doctor, actually. He'll take good care of you. And me, too."

Nodding, Raph crossed his arms over his chest and flumped back into the pillows. It was difficult not to feel a sense of comradery with Leonardo; not only had they shared a room for the last couple of hours, but Leo was one of the few people Raph had seen at the Towers, had sweated and bled with. To be roomed together like this after such an experience would have felt like fate, if Raph believed in such a thing.

"Yeah," Raph acknowledged, lolling his head to the side to look at Leo. "Pretty cool, havin' a hotshot doctor for a brother."

Leo nodded; Raph had no idea. Leo half expected Don to build him a bionic monstrosity to replace his lost arm and, honestly, Leo wouldn't have minded. The loss of his arm wasn't something he'd really thought about too much yet. Staring at his stump, Leo felt detachment, as though it wasn't his arm at all and this was happening to someone else.

That'll change, Don would say, if Leo told him how he was feeling, and Leo didn't doubt it. He just hoped he was strong enough to handle it when it did change.

My friends call me Leo, he'd told Raph, but it wasn't very true. Leo didn't have a lot of friends. As a matter of fact, there was only one person he considered such: his best friend, Usagi. There were lots of people he was friendly with or had casual relationships, but Usagi was Leo's only real friend.

Don returned and began working on Leo's arm, but he couldn't feel it. Instead, he watched Raph. He seemed like the sort of person who had lots of friends. It wasn't jealousy that Leo felt, but rather admiration. Following the curves of Raph's face with his eyes, Leo wondered what the man's life was like.

It was easy to imagine Raph having a beer with his company after a shift, laughing and shit-talking in a crappy dive bar. A thought ran through Leo like a splash of icy water; how many of that company had survived? How long would it be before they, any of them, could be that carefree again?

"Hey," Leo said, ignoring the way Don's eyes cut to him. "I was wondering, when you get out, if, well, uh," Leo faltered, feeling awkward and stupid as he attempted to give his number to Raphael. Don rolled his eyes but didn't intervene.

It took a moment for Raph to understand what Leo was asking, but when he waded through the stuttering, he chuckled. "Hey, man," Raph said, reaching into the nightstand drawer to withdraw the small memo pad and pen. "Gotta stick together."

Ripping off the paper, he sat it on the desk between them, the numbers stark against the white page.

"Finished here," Doctor Don said, his voice clipped and sharp in the quiet room. Raph decided he didn't like him; maybe Don was just high-strung or stressed out from his job, but he seemed like a douchebag to Raphael.

"Let's get you discharged, Jones," Don continued. "Your family is waiting."

The discharge process didn't take nearly as long as Raph had expected, probably because Don was all but rolling out a red carpet to rush him out the door. He barely had a chance to say goodbye to Leonardo, who promised he'd text Raph his number when cell service was available again.

In the hall, his mother and brother waited. Tears glistened in Ma Jones's eyes and Raph draped an arm over her shoulders, pulling her close as they navigated out of the hospital. Most of the gurneys had been removed from the labyrinthine halls as the less severely injured people had been shuffled out. Those who remained suffered from more serious ailments; catastrophic burns, missing limbs, and gaping, bloody gashes glared at Raph from every open doorway on their way out.

"I was so worried," Ma Jones whispered for the millionth time, staring into the rooms of those still admitted, knowing that any one of them could have been her son.

"I know, Ma," Raph replied, pressing a kiss to her temple. "I know."

Casey's old El Camino was parked in the lot, looking as shitty and defeated as it had since the day Casey bought it. Raph would never understand why Casey loved the car so much, but he'd long since just accepted the piece of shit as part of the family.

The three piled into the El Camino. Ma wanted Raph to come home with her so that she could fret over him and shovel food down his face, but Raph declined.

"Take me home, Case," Raph insisted. His brother nodded and, through the dissenting chatter of their mother, drove Raphael home.

The hospital that he'd been taken to was in Manhattan, close to the Towers. Raph lived in Brooklyn, closer to his Ma and his station. As Casey navigated the streets, Raph got his first opportunity to survey the damage. Many of the roads were closed, dingy yellow police tape roping off the worst of the wreckage. Traffic was sparser than Raph had ever seen it; the buses didn't seem to be running downtown. Uniforms stopped vehicles coming in and out of the area through a series of checkpoints, perhaps for traffic control or perhaps for security. Probably both.

"Afternoon," An officer said when Casey stopped at the checkpoint at the Williamsburg Bridge.

"Hey, officer," Casey replied, showing Raph's discharge paper. He hooked his thumb at Raph. "Takin' my brother home from the hospital. He's a fireman."

The man looked at the family over his shades, from Casey to Ma and finally to Raph. If he found something off about a black man in the car with his two white family members, he didn't say so.

"Alright," he said, handing the hospital papers back. "Go on through."

Over the bridge, the streets quickly returned to normal. Nothing seemed amiss at all, unless Raph looked over his shoulder or glanced into the rearview mirror at disappearing Manhattan. All the way to Raph's apartment, everything seemed exactly the same as it had been before.

"Call if ya need anythin'," Casey instructed as Raph climbed out of the car, waving goodbye as his family rumbled off down the pot-marked asphalt.

A stout, brick building stood before Raphael. It was an older building, built in the 1960s, so it didn't have much in the way of modern amenities. But it was sturdy and the walls were thick, so Raph didn't think he had much to complain about. Plus, it was small, just four apartments on the bottom floor and four more on the top. The idea of living in one of those mega complexes didn't hold a lot of appeal, even if they'd have a swimming pool and clubhouse.

Raph's apartment was in the bottom left corner. He let himself in; his keys had been with his belongings at the hospital, returned to him upon discharge. He'd brought his gear home rather than having Casey stop at the station to drop it off, though he hadn't worn it. Just his jeans, tank top, and boots. The boots he kicked off as soon as he came inside and he piled his gear on the ratty couch. Miniblinds hung from the windows. Raph had fitted cheap blackout curtains on even cheaper aluminum rods over some to keep out the glare of the streetlights. His kitchen was old but functional, with a white and black interior that reminded him of an old timey diner. The bathroom was much the same, with an old claw foot tub and heavy steel shower rod shoved right into the wall. The carpet had a smell of slight dust and Raph inhaled deeply as he kicked the front door shut behind him. It wasn't much to look at, but it was comfortable and it was home.

Gliding through the rooms on autopilot, Raph stripped his clothes as he went, leaving a trail of dirty laundry from the door to the bedroom. His mouth felt like it was filled with burned kitty litter, so he brushed his teeth and washed his face before flopping down onto the couple of stacked mattresses that served as his bed. He threw his keys and phone on the nightstand. What a fucking day. Or couple of days; he still wasn't sure how long he'd been in the hospital. Somehow, in all the activity of his discharge, he'd forgotten to ask.

Well, whatever. He'd find out tomorrow when he went to the station. For right now, it didn't much matter. Reaching over to his nightstand, he flipped open his phone. No service blinked at him in digital white text. No time. No date. He flipped it shut and threw it back down.

Nestling his face into the crooks of his arms, Raph yawned widely, his jaw popping. No reason he should feel so sleep, probably, but he felt exhausted, as if he could sleep for a hundred years like a modern day Rip Van Winkle. Raph didn't fight the fatigue but rather embraced it, easily slipping to sleep, eager to put the surreal experience of the attacks behind him. Maybe he'd wake up in the morning and find it had all been just a bad dream.


	3. The Morning After

It was early when Raphael woke. Weak sunbeams filtered through the blinds, disappearing behind the half-drawn curtains. Even without an alarm, Raph was accustomed to waking early for his long shifts at the station. Rolling over in the bed, he snatched his phone from the nightstand and flipped it open.

7:05 am it stated. Yawning, Raph stretched. Arms spread wide above him, his phone buzzed. Raph blinked, surprised by the motion, and looked at it. The No Service notification had disappeared, replaced with a few ascending bars. For the first time, Raph saw the date. It was September 13th; he had been in the hospital for a full day, unconscious for most of it.

The phone buzzed again. The messages and voicemails began pouring in rapidly, so service couldn't have been restored for too long. All his friends and family wanted to know where he was, if he was okay, if he saw the Towers.

Raph tossed it aside. He'd reply after he'd had a shower. Turning on the cool water, Raph shook out his hair and stepped under the stream. It felt good on his skin. He took his time standing under the water, turning in a circle to wet his entire body and his hair. Cringing at the thought, Raph reached for his shampoo. He'd have to wash his hair; he just hoped that his wasn't as singed as Leo's had been.

Raph's stomach clenched as he felt his hair disintegrating. It broke from his scalp and ran down his body like wet ash, disappearing in a circle of cloudy water down the drain. His injuries were superficial and he washed them carefully, then scrubbed his body until his skin hurt.

It wasn't until he was out of the shower that he could really assess the damage; he'd lost maybe half the length of his hair. It hung near his shoulders awkwardly, the ends jagged and uneven.

Great, he thought as he threw on some jeans and a black tank top. He'd have to get it fixed up; maybe his friend Xever would be willing to give him a free cut. Xever was into male beauty in a very heterosexual way. He always looked fresh and smelled great, so sometimes Raph allowed Xever to work on his hair, even if it meant listening to him click his tongue and shake his head. 'Ay,' he'd say, 'your edges, amigo. You will never find a boyfriend looking like this.' He'd laugh when Raph swatted him away, then pull him back by the ponytail. 'No, no, let me help you. It is my charitable work.'

Maybe he'd go short. It would be better than the junior prom look he was currently sporting. Making a mental note to call Xever later, Raph dumped his essentials into his pockets and headed out the door.

Raph shaded his eyes from the bright, early morning sun and paused for a moment in the narrow hall that made up the foyer of the building he lived in. There was a very fine, silvery cloud of dust in the air. It hung loose over everything, blowing softly in the moistened winds and sticking to every pane of glass, every steel bench and dew-covered road sign.

'Ash. From the Towers,' he thought, looking out towards where he knew they were. Or rather, where they used to be. He couldn't see anything from so far way, with so many other buildings blocking the view. A thin trail of black smoke rose from the south end of Manhattan and mixed with a clutch of puffy white clouds. Was it still burning even after all this time?

A flash of oranges, reds, and blues crackled through his memory and he winced reflexively, looking away from the smoke. His heart hammered in his chest, but he managed to slow it as he approached his bike. Betty was a candy red Honda Shadow and his one true love. She leaned elegantly on her kick in Raph's parking space, waiting for him to return and ride her again.

"Hey, baby," he murmured lovingly, enjoying the simple pleasure of touching her. The leather of her seat was cool and smooth under his fingertips. He straddled his bike and fished his helmet out of the cracked leather saddlebag. The fire and death was replaced with the roar of an engine beneath him and the wind in his ears.

The neighborhood surrounding his station was covered in the same soft, smoky haze, but people were outside anyway, doing normal everyday things. Walking their dogs. Jogging. Buying beer and cigarettes and soda pop at the corner store. A man washed dust from his SUV with a frown.

Raph rounded the corner and easily slid into a parking space near his station. The station doors were open when he arrived. One of the two trucks was gone. He wasn't surprised; he wondered if it was downtown still. Or again.

"Yo," he called out, striding inside. "Anybody home?"

He heard Angel before he saw her, a skid of boots on cement flooring as she screeched around the corner. She was shorter than Raph by a good foot with long, flowing hair streaked in purple. Baggy yellow pants obscured her waist, but the tight white tank top showed off the muscles of her stomach and arms. For a moment, Raph swore he saw tears glistening at the corners of her jade eyes but, when she got close enough, she slugged him hard in the arm with her knuckles.

"Raph!" she cried, hurtling herself against him and throwing her arms around his neck. "You fuckin' asshole; why didn't you answer my calls!?"

Wrapping his arms around her waist, Raph hugged her back, lifting her off the ground for a second before putting her down to rub his smarting arm.

"Sorry," he replied, "My phone just started workin' again this mornin' and I thought I'd just ride over instead of call, cuz I knew you and Traximus would be here."

As soon as the name Traximus left Raph's lips, Angel's face fell and Raph's stomach bottomed out.

"Angel?" He asked, but he didn't have to. He knew what she was going to say.

"Trax didn't make it," she said, her voice low and hoarse.

Stars speckled in Raph's vision and he shut his eyes. Traximus was already a fireman when Raph had started. An army veteran, Trax had chosen to spend his retirement working fire rescue. 'I've seen too many people die when they didn't have to,' he'd say if anyone asked why he decided to join up instead of spending his golden years feeding pigeons in the park and playing chess with other old farts. Not that Trax was old, not really. He'd only been in his mid-40s when Raph had started and the man had taken Raph under his wing, so to speak. Maybe he'd seen potential in Raph or maybe he just liked his sarcastic sense of humor and propensity for beer, but Raph and Trax had become fast friends.

And now he was dead. The thought hit Raph like a cement wall at 90 miles per hour. Raph had seen people die; dozens of them, jumping from buildings, trapped in wreckage that couldn't be moved, suffocated inside of dust smothered caverns, but the loss of Traximus, of one of his closest friends, made the last few days feel vividly real.

"He was a hero," Angel said, laying a hand on Raph's bicep.

He nodded dazedly. "What about-"

"No other casualties," she answered, not making him finish the painful question. "We were lucky. Real lucky."

"Yeah," Raph replied, staring into the station. He couldn't see the lockers from this vantage point, but he wondered if Trax's locker was empty already. Had his wife come, teary eyed and snot nosed, for his belongings?

"Does Belinda know?" He asked.

"Yes," she responded. "But she hasn't come by. We're going to send her a card and some flowers for the wake ..."

"I'll take his things over."

Angel didn't protest, just followed Raph inside the station and around the corridor to the lockers. Everyone had one, not really assigned, but space given out of respect for one another. Trax's was the very last locker on the right side. It didn't look any different that day than it had any other day. There were no boots in front of it, no jacket hanging on the hook. Those things would have been with Trax, on him, lost to the fire or the bricks or whatever it was that had killed him. Raph didn't ask. He simply opened the locker and began to silently empty it into a box that Angel brought over. Some of the things would stay at the station, but the personal belongings should be returned to Traximus's wife.

To his widow, Trax realized as he carefully took down the photos sticky tacked to the inside of the door. The company picnic last year. The Christmas party the year before, where Raph had gotten drunk and serenaded Angel with rock ballads. Trax had dressed up as Santa on steroids, his huge biceps bulging out of his cheap, rented costume. All those memories went into the box.

"I'll be back after I drop this off," Raph assured Angel as he closed the box.

"What? No, you absolutely will not," Angel said, planting her feet and jabbing her fists against her hipbones. "You just got out of the hospital, Jones! You need to rest."

"How do you know that?" He asked, fixing her with a glare.

"You still have the bracelet on, bonehead."

Damn. Sure enough, Raph had forgotten to cut off the hospital identification bracelet when he'd showered that morning. He hadn't even noticed it. Gripping it in strong fingers, he tore it up and dropped it at Angel's feet.

"There," he said.

She glared harder. "Not there. You are taking some medical leave."

"What!? Angel, that's stupid. With all this," he motioned in the direction of downtown, to the ash still falling like dirty snow, "goin' on, you need me."

"That's an order, Jones!"

Expletives bubbled up from his belly like bile, but Raph squashed them and turned his head away angrily, singed hair poofing against his shoulders.

"Alright, fine," he snarled, shoving his helmet back onto his head. "Have it yer way, but don't come blubberin' to me when ya under core!"

Trax's box rubbed against the small of Raph's back, bouncing precariously against Betty's seat. Each rib of cardboard felt more like a stab. Grief slid down his throat like an ice cube, closing his windpipe and freezing his gut. Belinda was prim in a way that had surprised Raph the first time they met, but her extraordinary kindness had shown Raph why Traximus loved her. She had a fierceness about her, a sense of moral and civic responsibility that Raph respected. Traximus had had it too; maybe that was why the pair had ended up getting hitched in the first place. He didn't know. All Raph knew about the couple getting together was that it had happened after Trax left the army. He sure as hell wasn't going to ask about it now, so he'd probably never know how the two had met. That was alright; Belinda could keep it as her own private memory.

There were already cars piled up in the drive when Raph pulled up to the small house. Unstrapping the box, Raph crossed the lawn to the door. It was only after he'd given the orange frame two firm taps that he realized he had no idea what to say when she opened the door.

He didn't have time to think about it; the door opened almost immediately, but it wasn't Belinda. A man that Raph had never seen stood there, peering down at him quizzically.

"Uhh..." Raph said, feeling awkward and stupid as he stood there with his box.

"Roger, who is it?" Belinda's voice floated to the entryway and she followed, looking just as tired as she had sounded. When she saw Raph, however, she smiled. The corners of her eyes crinkled with crow's feet that the tight pull of her salt and pepper bun could not straighten out. Dressed in a conservative black suit, she glided to Raph, a soft, compassionate smile touching her thin lips. Seeing the way that smile went all the way to her steel gray eyes made Raph feel worse.

"Raphael," she said, patting his arm. "I'm glad you're okay, honey. Roger, this is Raphael, one of Trax's friends from the fire company. Roger's Traximus's brother."

Raph hadn't even known he'd had one. There was a lot he didn't know about Trax's life before the fire company. They didn't talk about it much, he guessed, and Raph had never felt like something was missing. Standing there, however, across from Trax's family, Raph felt out of place.

He held the box out to the both of them. "Uh, I brought Trax's stuff. From the station."

Belinda relieved him of his burden, nodding, then handed it over to Roger. "Thank you," she said graciously. "Won't you come inside?"

Raph peeked around her inconspicuously. There was no one he recognized, just a lot of people who were probably Belinda's friends and family, and some of Trax's family too. Usually, Raph liked people. He enjoyed having a drink or talking shit, playing games and gambling, generally living and laughing, but right then he didn't want to do any of those things. Going into Belinda's house was second only to sticking a poker in his eye.

"No, thanks," he answered. "I gotta get back to work. Look, Belinda... I'm sorry. Trax was a good man."

All the way back to his apartment, Raph's insides ricocheted between numbness and hot indignation. Traximus hadn't deserved to die. He was a good man. No one else from his company had been killed, but Raph knew that all across the city, people were in mourning for their lost family and friends. Sure, some of the people who had died were probably scumbags, but most were just regular people, working their 9-to-5s to support their families. None of them had deserved to die.

Raph opened the throttle. Rocketing dangerously around curves, his helmet nearly grazing the pavement, he grit his teeth and cursed everything he could think. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not here. What about the FBI or the CIA? Didn't they have programs to stop this kind of thing from happening? What about radio towers or whatever? How had someone managed to just fly a plane into a tower full of people in downtown New York? Deep down Raph knew that it had to be complicated than that, but he needed someone to blame. One of his best friends was dead and he didn't know why or what for.

Throwing down Betty's kick, Raph leaned the bike into his parking space and stalked towards his apartment. It was empty, just like he'd left it. His pile of filthy gear sat on the chair nearest the door, smelling of singed plastic, covered in ashes and debris and blood that probably wasn't his.

Raph kicked the chair hard, knocking it over. His pants and helmet spilled over the floor and his oxygen tank rolled into the kitchen. Just seeing the burned pants and jacket, littered with jagged tears from steel rods that had been poking through the sidewalks, from people's nails digging into his arms, trying to claw their way out from the crumbling towers, made Raph's blood boil. Why had any of this happened!? What for!? Why did Trax have to lose his life? Why did that man, Leonardo, have to lose an arm? He'd never be able to do fieldwork again. Hell, Leo might even be forced into early retirement. It was all stupid, senseless fucking tragedy and Raph hated it.

Downtown was still burning. Raph shuddered when he glanced out his window at the gray tinted sky. There were probably people in there, a mound of crushed and burned corpses hidden by debris that wouldn't be found for several days from now. Firefighters from every corner of the city, probably from Jersey too, would be there until it was over—had been there from the beginning, plucking the dead and dying out of the wreckage. Everyone was there. Would be there until the fire was out. Until it was all over.

Everyone except Raph.

Looking down at his wrist, he felt an itch and remembered throwing the hospital band away at the station. He remembered the fierce look in Angel's eyes when she'd ordered him on medical leave. What had she seen when she'd looked at him?

Cursing the world at large, Raph paced across his bedroom furiously. The old wooden floors groaned under his weight. The dust ruffle skirting his hand-me-down lounge chair swayed like palm leaves in a breeze as he brushed past. It was too quiet in the apartment. The silence made him feel anxious and irritated, or maybe it just gave him nothing to do except think about how anxious and irritated he felt. At Angel. At himself. At the world.

The clock on the wall in his tiny kitchen read 9:45 in the AM. Everything he'd done this morning, going to the station, talking to Angel, taking Trax's belongings home to his wife, had taken almost no time. He considered going back to sleep, but squashed the thought, forcing himself up out of bed and back into the kitchen.

Snatching open the refrigerator door, Raph peered inside and grabbed the first of many beers he would have that day. Tipping it back, a thin smile spread across his face, despite himself. It was good and cold, like a beer was supposed to be. For a little while, Raph could relax.

Beer in hand, Raph set about tidying the apartment. He didn't have anything else to do, so might as well. It wasn't messy, it rarely was, but made the bed and scrubbed the toilet to a soundtrack of heavy bass just to have something to do. When that was done, he texted his brother an update, letting him know about the forced medical leave.

'That sux bro' Casey responded and Raph grimaced at the phone in agreement. His ma would probably think it was an excellent idea; Raph had already given his time and now it was for someone else to step up, but Raph couldn't think like that. Maybe he just didn't trust that anyone else would step up and then everything would go to shit. A healthy egotism, he said. Self-important shithead, Casey said.

He texted Xever to see if he could get that haircut, but he didn't respond immediately and Raph was right back where he had started, pacing back and forth across his apartment with boredom and stress beating in his head.

Medical leave. Angel hadn't said how long he was supposed to be out. She hadn't even asked about his injuries, just set him packing when she'd seen the hospital bracelet. Raph wanted to call and cuss her out. What the fuck was he supposed to do all day? What about all the other people on their team? Were they out on medical leave? What was so wrong with him he couldn't go out and help? A few cuts, a bump on the head ... it was nothing!

Spinning round on his heel, Raph slapped down the little radio he kept on the shelf above his bed. It flew across the room, clattered to the floor and buzzed loudly, the antenna knocked out of position. All the DJs talked about, peppering in a song or two here and there, was the towers. The fucking towers. It wouldn't have happened if those dolts at the airport had been watching! If the people on the planes that got hijacked had done something! Poured hot coffee on the bastards, threw a shoe at 'em and tackled them! Something. Anything!

But they hadn't and here he was, a first-responder on medical leave, sidelined for an interminable amount of time. Unable to help. Unable to do anything but sit back and breath in the settling dust along with everyone else.

Raph kicked the radio and when the buzzing didn't stop, he half screamed out of frustration, stomping it until there was no way possible it could ever be put back together. He stalked away from it, back to the refrigerator where his twelve-pack of beer waited, the one thing that made any sense to him right then.

The beer was cold. As it was supposed to be.


	4. The Waiting

The next few weeks passed much the same as the first day Raphael had been home. Angel insisted that he take his full reserve of medical leave: a mind-numbing six weeks. What she expected him to do with himself for a month and a half, he didn't know.

Xever came and chopped the dead, burned ends from his hair. After fruitlessly attempting to style Raph's length into a presentable cut, he'd given up and suggested his friend start fresh.

"Do you have any idea how long it took me to grow this!?" Raph snapped with irritation.

Xever had narrowed his eyes. "Yes, I do," he'd answered, but he didn't argue as he usually would have. Instead, he just shampooed and conditioned Raphael's fluffy black mane and braided what was left into shoulder length cornrows.

"There," he'd said, patting Raph's shoulder. "Until you decide what to do with it."

The rest of his company teased him a bit about the braids at Traximus's wake, having never seen his hair in style other than loose or compacted into the tight bun he stuffed into his helmet.

"Watch out; here comes Snoop Dogg," they'd snickered and Raph flipped them off, though he smiled and laughed along with them.

No one laughed when it was time to bury Traximus. The company stood in silence, dressed in black slacks and dresses. Alopex, Angel's wife, had come along to show her respect and support. She stood next to the captain, brushing a thumb lovingly over Angel's scarred knuckles, graciously saying nothing as the tears began to stream silently down Angel's pale cheeks.

Raph skipped out on the reception, having already given his sympathies to Belinda. He couldn't listen to anyone else talk about the towers. They'd all be going back into action, but not Raph. Raph was going home. It was a bitter point and Raph chose to leave rather than lose his temper and snap at anyone. Trax understood, he was sure.

The funeral was one of the few things to punctuate the monotony of Raph's medical leave. Most nights he ate dinner with his ma and Casey, but otherwise he simply puttered around his apartment, drinking and getting stoned. Pot had never been a big part of Raph's life, but he'd smoked a lot in the last two weeks. Before bed, he'd pack the flimsy bowl of his aluminum foil pipe and fire up.

Drinking was nothing new, but Raph had never partaken in such frequent blind drunkenness. If he drank enough, he'd fall into a death sleep, deep and uninterrupted. No horrific memories of people falling from buildings, bouncing off the crumbling sides as they chose plummeting to certain death over being burned alive. No nightmare visions of deformed bodies with melting skin lifting their crippled hands out to him and begging in smoke choked voices "Help us, Raph. Save us."

He'd rather drink himself into a liver transplant than deal with that every night. Sometimes, he drank so much that he fell asleep early in the afternoon, well before the sun had begun to set. He'd pass out on the couch or bed or the floor and sleep through dinner. When Raph had missed dinner with his ma for the third day in a row, Casey came knocking.

"Bro," Casey said, wrinkling his nose. "Ya gotta get outta this apartment. It stinks and you stink. When was the last time ya took a shower?"

"Piss off, bonehead," Raph grumbled, but he moved aside to let Casey in.

His older brother looked around and clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "Ma'd have a heart attack if she saw this."

It wasn't that bad, Raph thought. Sure, there were dishes in the sink and he hadn't done laundry in two weeks. Maybe he hadn't picked up the empty beer bottles or righted the chair when he'd drunkenly stumbled into it a few nights ago, but it was alright. Raph couldn't even smell the beer that he'd spilled on the carpet anymore.

"Good thing she ain't here then."

"Yeah, good thing." Casey regarded Raphael, his deep-set cobalt eyes serious. "Raph, you okay?"

How was he supposed to answer that? Raph couldn't tell Casey how he'd spent the last two weeks drinking and beating the shit out of his belongings with directionless fury.

Raph kicked an empty beer bottle absently. "I dunno, Case. It's just … all such bullshit."

"No kiddin'," his brother responded, sitting on the arm of the upset chair. "Why doncha come get a drink with me somewhere other than this craphole you call an apartment?"

"Fuck you," Raph answered automatically, but he nodded anyway. Going out with Casey sounded like a good distraction, an alright way to pass another night on the bench.

While Casey waited, Raph showered. He wasn't exactly caked in layers of filth, but his skin was a whole new color when he finished washing. He was sure he smelled better. As an added courtesy, he even put on clean clothes before reemerging and following Casey to the El Camino.

They didn't talk as they drove to a nearby bar, Dusty's. They'd been going there since Raph had gotten his first fake ID. It was dark and dingy and the crowd was rough, just like they liked it. A fight could be counted on most nights. Even Casey and Raph had traded blows in Dusty's. The fact that the drinks were cheap and strong probably aided in that. The owner was an older woman named, unsurprisingly, Dusty. She tended the bar in a leather bustier and jeans, but sometimes she stalked the building perimeter or threw out belligerent drunks who broke her property. She didn't fight the bar's reputation and she almost never called the police, but you could bet Dusty would kick you out on your ass if you broke one of her tables. Tables didn't grow on trees.

"You wanna talk?" Casey asked as he took two bottles of beer from Dusty, one for himself and one for Raphael.

"Nope," Raph responded. He nodded at Dusty and she nodded back. Raph liked her, even though they'd exchanged maybe fifteen words in all the years he'd known the woman.

"C'mon, Raph," Casey persisted, sliding into one of the tables near the pool table.

"C'mon nothin', Casey," Raph snapped, slamming his beer down. "I don't wanna fuckin' talk about this with you, a'ight, so stop askin'!"

Casey's opened his mouth to yell back at his brother, maybe insult or cuss at him, shove him and beat it out of him, but his mother's words floated back to him.

"Give him space, Arnold," she'd said when Casey had brought up his concerns about Raph a few days ago. "You know how your brother is. He's gone through a traumatic event. You've gotta let him talk to us in his own time, sweetie."

"What if he don't?" Casey had demanded and his ma had shrugged her shoulders.

"Then he don't, Arnold. You leave him be."

"Alright, fine,' Casey grumbled at Raph, taking a plug off his beer. "Excuse me for carin', jesus."

Raph scowled. Stupid, nosey Casey. Why couldn't they just drink and enjoy each other's company? Why did they have to talk about their feelings? Talking about his feelings was one of Raph's least favorite things to do; they were all awkward and jumbled up and when he tried to talk about them he just sounded like an idiot. No, thanks.

Silence stretched between the brothers, interrupted by the occasional clink of a bottle or shuffle of feet. A couple of men played pool off behind Casey's shoulder. The smaller one was cheating, Raph was pretty sure, moving the balls just slightly when his opponent's head was turned. Raph didn't say anything; it wasn't his problem.

Minutes stretched into an hour. An hour stretched into two and two into four until neither brother was sober enough to be the designated driver.

"Casey, you idiot," Raph complained as they stumbled out of the bar into the crisp, early morning air. Their arms were thrown around each other's shoulders for shaky support. "Why'd you drink so much, huh?"

"You drank," Casey retorted, his head lolling away from Raph, then back to thud on his shoulder. "Ya big fuckin' drunk."

They'd have to take a taxi and come back for Casey's car later in the day. It was always Raph who had to be the responsible one when it came to Casey; his brother was the only person he knew who was more of a mess than Raphael himself.

Digging his phone out of his pocket, Raph flipped it open to call a cab. On the screen was a pixelated envelope and the text "1 New Message". Who was texting him in the middle of the night? Or maybe they'd texted him earlier but Raph had been too drunk to notice.

'Hello, this is Leonardo Hamato. You gave me your number at the hospital,' the message read. 'I just wanted to check in and see how you were faring. Perhaps you'd like to meet for coffee sometime this week? Please let me know if that would be acceptable.'

Raph rolled his eyes toward the sky and called the taxi company. He'd reply to the prudish text in the morning. Leonardo Hamato was probably in bed already anyway, dressed in a pajama set buttoned up to his chin and a matching sleeping cap. Right now, he needed to get Casey home before he puked on anything.

"Alright, here we go," Raph said, cramming Casey into the taxi when it pulled up to the curb. He climbed in beside him and gave the driver Casey's address. After he'd dumped his brother on the couch and locked the door behind himself, Raph took the cab home.

As he wobbled through the living room, he supposed that Casey had a point. The place was a pigsty, filled with the mess and odors of two weeks' worth of binge drinking. Yawning, Raph flopped onto his couch, letting his arm hang off the side against the barrage of beer bottles spilling out from under the sofa. He'd clean it up in the morning. Right now, he was going to sleep.

It was early afternoon when Raph woke. Groggily, he rolled off the couch and dragged himself to the bathroom so that he could wash the sandpaper taste out of his mouth and the crud from his red-rimmed eyes. Squinting blearily into the mirror, Raph grimaced; he looked as bad as he felt. The night with Casey had been welcome, but the hangover pounding like a drumline between his temples was not.

At least he didn't have to go to work. There wasn't anything he particularly had to do. Even cleaning his apartment was optional, but he decided that he should do something about the mess before things started to grow in the filth. He put a load of dishes into the dishwasher and threw away all the beer bottles before getting in the shower.

Raph turned the water on as hot as he could stand. It beat down against his skin, massaging the soreness in his head and neck. Steam fogged up his mirror but unclogged his face, opening his nostrils and ears and pores so that he felt fresher and more alert when he shut off the water and grabbed a well-worn towel from the rack.

As Raph strode from the bathroom back to the living room, he snatched his phone off the coffee table and scrolled through his messages. One from Angel, two from his ma, one from Casey asking where his car was, and one from a number he didn't have saved. Raph opened the message and read it, chuckling at Leonardo's text. What a priss. Had he replied? Raph checked his sent messages; no, he hadn't.

'Rure,' Raph typed, forgetting to click the 7 button four times to make an s. He deleted the message with a guttural grunt and retried.

'Sure. U free at 2?'

By the time Raph had buttoned his jeans and put on a clean shirt, Leo had responded.

'Yes, that would be perfectly fine. Could you meet at the Hungry Ghost? The address is 183 Sterling.'

Rolling his eyes at the formality, Raph responded with a casual 'ok' and shoved his phone into his pants pocket. It was past 1 already, so he might as well just ride over there. It wasn't far away, so maybe he'd stop and shove some food in his face before going to the coffee shop.

As it turned out, though, it wasn't necessary. The Hungry Ghost was in a strip of other small businesses. It had a black lacquered storefront and bright white letters proclaimed the coffee shop's name. Coffee shop and café. Well, damn. He should have just come here and had a panini rather than the pit stop he'd made at McDonald's. Fast food wasn't his favorite. It made him feel gross and bloated. Raph was usually strict about what he ate, but lately he was too tired and hungover to be that particular.

"Raphael."

Raph's head turned at the call of his name. In the back-corner booth, next to the big bay window, sat Leonardo. A small mug of either weak ass watery coffee or tea steamed in front of him. Checking his phone, Raph saw that it was only 1:30. Seemed like he wasn't the only one who'd gotten there early.

"Yo," Raph said in greeting, sliding into the black vinyl booth across from Leo. The policeman looked better than he had in the hospital. A bit of color had returned to his skin; at least Raph couldn't see the veins so much anymore. He was cleaner, too, and his hair was recently cut, no longer carefully shaped as it had been at ground zero nor loose and unkempt like it had been in the hospital. Short hair wasn't really a thing Raph went for, but the cut looked right on Leo. Raph smirked to himself; Leonardo was too proper for something as unconventional as long hair.

No longer wearing his dress shirt or hospital gown, Leonardo sported a short sleeve button-down shirt in powder blue tucked in light khaki pants. The stump of his arm was still wrapped in gauze, but it wasn't bloody anymore. He knew he shouldn't stare, but it was hard not to. For some reason, the stump had begun to fall in on itself like a bad soufflé.

"Donatello," Leo said, noticing Raph's eyes on his lack of an arm, "said it has to heal before he can shape it for the prosthetic. Without the rest of the arm, it flattens. It's part of the healing process, I suppose." Leonardo smiled as well, just the slight upturn of the corners of his lips. "Any other questions?"

"Nope," Raph responded, leaning back against the bench and crossing his arms over his chest. If Leo was trying to embarrass him, it wasn't going to happen.

"Alright." Leo took a drink of his tea. "Uh, thanks for meeting with me. I hope you don't think it's strange. I just wanted … uh, to talk."

Raph arched an eyebrow. "Whatchu wanna talk about?"

Leo was quiet so long, Raph didn't think he was going to answer. Once or twice, Raph opened his mouth to say something, but he didn't have anything to add to the silence. He could tell Leo about the great injustice of Angel forcing him onto leave, but Raph wasn't in the habit of sharing the personal details of his life with strangers. That was asking for trouble and no one cared anyway. He'd learned at a young age that people didn't care about each other, not really, not in some cosmic sense of moral –

"I've been having nightmares," Leo said, catching Raph off guard and interrupting his train of thought. "about that day. I … don't know how to talk to about it." Leo fidgeted with his mug, rolling it between his palms. "I don't want to see a therapist or bother my family. I thought that maybe ...?"

He let the question hang unasked in the air. Raph considered saying no, just getting up and walking out right there. Leo didn't want to bother his family, but he'd bother Raph? Raph felt he should be insulted, but, maybe, Leo thought Raph needed someone to talk to about what they'd experienced as much as he did. If Raph was honest with himself, he thought Leo might be right.

"Nightmares, huh?"

"Yes," Leo said, not raising his eyes from his fiddling hands. Nightmares wasn't a completely accurate description. Every time Leo closed his eyes, he saw the carnage of that day. He saw suffering and loss, both his own and that of others.

He'd awoken early that Tuesday, just like he did every day. Even weekends were not exempt from Leonardo's daily routine of morning meditation, yoga, and running. On work days, Leo rose even earlier to get his 10-mile jog (5 miles away, 5 miles back) in with enough time to grab a shower, eat breakfast, and roll into the station at precisely 7 am.

Karai was usually there already when Leo arrived, sucking down cups of milky sweet coffee and making the walls sweat with her piercing amber scowl. She'd follow him into his office under the pretext of discussing the day's agenda. Leo supposed it wasn't a pretext because it was an important duty they shared as captain and deputy inspector, but Karai always leaned a little too close, spoke a little too casually for Leo's comfort. It was always welcome when the other officers filtered in between 8 and 9.

He was there, in his office with Karai, when the first plane hit. Outside of his shuttered windows, men and women stared with mouths agape. Even he and Karai shared a brief, startled glance before bulleting out of the door to direct their officers.

They were on the scene by 9:15, having abandoned the car on a side road and run the rest of the way rather than fight through the standstill traffic. Many of the drivers had simply stopped in the road and stood staring at the billowing inferno against the New York skyline with horror. He understood how they felt, but he didn't have the luxury of staring. Karai radioed for dispatch to work on traffic control, to get these people out of the way because all of first-responders in the boroughs were pouring into Manhattan.

Once they were at the towers, they quickly lost one another in the chaos and Leo did not see her again until she came into his hospital room. He'd stayed in the hospital for two weeks after Raph had been released with Don guarding him like a dragon does his hoard. Finally, Don had relented and allowed Leo to go home and heal, though he had to return in six more weeks to be fitted for his new arm. Though Don had surely experienced his share of horror that day and in the weeks that followed, he never talked about it. Leo would ask if Don was alright and his brother would look up from his coffee with a distracted "huh?" then brush off Leo's concern.

"I'm fine, Leo. Hand me those pliers, would you?"

Don didn't seem any more bothered than his usual fidgety self, so maybe he was fine. Maybe he wasn't experiencing the same kind of nightmares that woke Leo in a cold sweat every night. His arm being torn from his body or engulfed in flames or swallowed down by a fiery demon while Leo tried to claw his way to safety up the crumbling towers.

The dreams made him feel petty and selfish and so he mostly kept them to himself. When he'd told Usagi, the man had frowned and gripped Leo's shoulder, giving him the sort of silent support that had always been enough before. Now, it just made Leo feel empty and alone, standing in front of an abyss that had taken something important from him but that no one else could see. At least you are alive, the world seemed to say, and that should have been enough. The shame stilled Leo's tongue more than anything and he was almost relieved when his dreams began to shift and fill with the faces of those he'd carried from the wreckage, those he had saved or tried to save.

He'd lay them out on never ending rows of stretchers, hundreds of people who crumbled into ash no matter how gently he sat them down. "I'm sorry," he'd cry as his arms burned to glowing cinders then blew away like dust.

As Leo shared his private nightmares, Raphael leaned forward on his hands, listening intently. There was no judgement on his face and he gave the slightest nod of understanding as if he, too, had had dreams like that.

"I didn't lose nothin'," he said, gesturing candidly at Leo's stumped arm, "but yeah, I think I know how ya feel."

Relief flooded Leo and he relaxed. This was why he'd wanted to meet with Raph; he'd suspected Raph would understand his experiences.

"How are you handling it?" Leo asked.

"Mostly drinkin'," Raph replied, shrugging his shoulders. "Smokin' pot sometimes."

"That's illegal, you know."

Raph laughed. "You gonna arrest me?"

"No," Leo said, sipping his tea. "I'm off duty."

"Haha," Raph said sarcastically. "Why'd you become a cop, anyway? To bust potheads?"

"No, not to bust potheads," Leo answered, having not caught Raph's sarcasm. His slight smile fell away, leaving only a serious expression. "It was because of my mother. When I was twelve and Don was eleven, our mother was killed by a Purple Dragon. They're a street gang, located mostly in-"

"I know who they are," Raph answered with a hard, clipped tone, his face morphing in anger. "They murdered my brother's dad."

Leo stared, but then he remembered Raphael's white family. Obviously adopted. That stringy haired man, Raph must have meant. His father had been killed by the Purple Dragons, just like Leo's mom.

"After that," Leo continued, nodding, "I decided that I wanted to go into law enforcement. It was childish idealism, thinking I could save the world, but I don't regret my decision. My mom used to tell me a story about starfish, and that's how I feel about my policework."

"Starfish?"

Leo nodded. "A woman is walking along the beach. She sees that many starfish have become stranded upon the shore. There are thousands of them. The woman begins to pick them up and, one by one, she throws them back into the ocean. As she does, a man comes up to her and says 'Hey, why are you wasting your time? There are too many to save; you can't make a difference.' The woman bends down and picks up another starfish, then throws it into the ocean. She says 'It made a difference to that one.'"

It took Raph a minute to understand the point of the parable, but when he did, he nodded. "Your mom sounds like she was a cool lady."

Leo nodded solemnly. "She was."

A moment of respectful silence passed before Leo asked about Raph's own reasons for becoming a firefighter.

"I just like fire," he said, laughing. "I ain't got some big story. I like danger and the thrill of it and helpin' people. Just seemed like a thing to do."

"That's as good a reason as any," Leo responded and Raph nodded.

"Damn right it is. Lemme tell ya, when I was 7, I set my ma's rug on fire. Boy was she pissed. She whooped my ass so hard I didn't sit for a week!"

Raph laughed uproariously and even Leo smiled, laughing along, imagining Raphael as a young troublemaker, setting fires and getting whooped for it.

If Leo believed in reincarnation, he might have thought that he'd known Raph in a previous life. There was no other explanation for how easily the conversation flowed once it got started and, before Leo had realized it, his stomach was rumbling for want of dinner.

Leo glanced at his watch; it was nearly 6 pm. He'd been talking with Raphael for four hours.

"See you found that watch," Raph said, nodding towards Leo's arm.

Leo chuckled. "So I did. Listen, I've got to get going."

Raph nodded, pulling himself out of the booth and stretching his arms above his head. His shirt came up a fraction, exposing his navel and the hard lines of his stomach. Leo politely looked away.

"I really enjoyed speaking with you," Leo said nervously, eyes aimed at the tiled floor. "Perhaps, uh, you'd like to do it again sometime?"

Raph rolled his eyes for the twentieth time. When they'd got to talking, Leo had been so cool and confident. Now he was trying too hard again and acting like a doofus. It would be almost cute if it weren't so pathetic.

"Yeah," Raph answered, leaving the insults unsaid. "Sure, why not?"


	5. The Policeman

"I thought you was getting' a new arm soon," Raph said as he slurped down a watery smoothie colored somewhere between beige and green. Across from him, Leonardo shrugged. The sleeve of his button-down shirt, the same dorky business casual style he always wore, was rolled and pinned, blocking the end of his stump from view.

Though he hadn't known Raph long, Leo appreciated his candor more than anything else. Mothers averted their eyes from him in supermarkets, instructed their children to look away. Those who dared to look at him alternated between pitying glances or veiled repulsion, but not Raph. The stump was just another part of Leo to Raph, it seemed. Raph wasn't afraid to look at it. Raph wasn't afraid to talk about it.

"Soon," he agreed. "I have an appointment with Don next week for the initial fitting."

Raph nodded and took a gulp of his smoothie. Early afternoon light shone through the windows, highlighting the flecks of gray peppered Leo's dark hair. It would be strange to see Leo with a robot arm; he'd gotten used to the one-armed man, but he guessed he'd get used to two-armed Leo without much trouble.

"You, uh, got someone to go with ya?"

Leo paused briefly before responding, wondering if there was an offer hidden within Raph's question.

"Yes," he answered. "Usagi will be there."

"Cool."

Tense silence hung between them. It had happened before. Leo learned that it meant Raph wanted to say something but wasn't. Instead, he was turning the ideas over slowly in his head, trying to form them into coherent words and phrases that he could share. It sometimes took a long while for Raph to translate the roiling incomprehension of his emotions into neat, orderly sentences. Leo waited with patient attentiveness, sipping from his steaming cup of tea.

Raph didn't say anything and the tension eased with a shrug of his broad shoulders. Reaching across the table, he picked idly at Leo's salad, eating the small halves of cherry tomato littered around the edges of the shallow plate. He then dumped out the sugar packets and racked over the plastic creamer containers and began to stack them into a tower, as though he was a child, a petulant frown set on his full lips.

"Are you bored?" Leo asked, embarrassment burning in his chest. He hoped that he was not the cause of Raph's malcontent.

"It's this fuckin' medical leave," Raph growled, flicking his tower with a finger. Down came the sugar packets and cream, a minuscule city destroyed by Raphael's annoyance.

"I'm tired of sittin' on my goddamn ass," he continued, knowing full well that he sounded like a pathetic whiner. He couldn't summon the energy to give a damn.

"It's only six weeks, right? You're almost done."

"I guess," Raph grumbled, then sighed. "Yeah. No, you're right. I gotta pull my shit together."

In another two weeks, he'd be back on duty and there was still plenty to do. It would be months until the wreckage was cleared from ground zero. Anyone who could be spared was sent into Manhattan to help with clean-up. Every day, new bodies were uncovered, civilian and non-civilian. Leo had lost people too; they'd talked about it during the last four weeks. Unlike Raph, however, Leo still had a long time before he saw any action. He'd return to duty after his new arm was fitted, but he'd be behind a desk for the discernible future. Raph supposed he didn't have a right to bitch.

"Your brother is makin' you a special arm, right?" Raph asked, leaning back into the booth, then back across the table on his elbows.

"Yes," Leo answered. "He's very talented."

Raph waited for Leo to say more and when he didn't, Raph shrugged. "Can't wait to see it. You're gonna be like the Terminator."

A flush crept up Leo's neck and into his face. A deep frown pulled his lips tight and thin. He hoped not. He really, really hoped not.

"How does that feel?" Don asked for the twentieth time as he flitted around Leo like a moth frantically circling a candle's flame.

Leo flexed his fingers. It was remarkably easy to do; it felt just the same as it had with his natural arm, even if it didn't look the same. Just as he'd suspected, Don had created a cybernetic monstrosity. Bolts and screws stood stark silver against the palely painted surface. Even with the skin toned paint, trails of blue light ran up and down the length of the arm like faint, neon veins. A dull hum emanated from it, like a television someone had left on in another room. It hitched up an octave whenever Leo moved the arm. It was loud enough for Leo to hear but not enough to be a nuisance to others, not loud enough that they would notice much unless they were very close to him. Leo rolled his wrist experimentally and the arm screamed in barely audible protest.

"Is it always going to make that noise?" Leo asked with a frown.

"Hm? Oh, no. I can fix that." Don made some notations on his pad then picked up a squishy red stress ball from his desk. "Here, hold this."

Leo reached out and took the ball, squeezing it. Or rather, he tried to. He managed to get his fingers around the ball, but it slid away from him, slipping through his grasp despite Leo's best efforts to hold onto it. He looked up, distress etched onto his face, wordlessly pleading with his brother to do something.

"Gotta work on the grip," Don mumbled to himself, turning away from Leo. Navigating around the table, he plopped down at his desk and began to type. Leo's appointment was in Don's home office, the mad scientist's laboratory that Don had built for himself in spare time and stolen equipment. As a policeman, he knew he really should do something about it but the big brother in him won out over the law enforcement officer every time.

"Is it comfortable?" Don asked without looking up.

"Yes," Leo responded, lifting his arm and turning it, curling it up and down. It was light enough to be unobtrusive, but substantial enough to mimic his natural arm's weight. A perfect balance. "I can hardly feel it. It's good work, Donnie."

Don took the compliment without comment. He began to rifle through the blueprints on his desk. "Must be the nerve connectors," he muttered, flipping through the papers as his eyes scanned them mechanically. "Maybe the radial … no, that's perfect…"

"Don?"

"The nervus medianus ... or maybe I didn't … the brachial plexus…" How Don could absorb anything at the speed he tore through papers, blueprints, and printouts, Leo didn't understand. His little brother's whispers became more muddled and he continued until Leo couldn't tell what he was saying at all, but it didn't matter. Don was talking to the only person who could ever really follow him in a conversation: himself.

"Donnie, when was the last time you slept?"

Leo had seen this before, noticed the ticks of Don's mouth and his twitching eyelids, the bags under his eyes, even as he tore through his papers with manic energy. It was the stimulants, the coffee and energy drinks and caffeine pills and he hoped nothing worse, keeping Don running like a machine.

When Don didn't answer, Leo got up from the table. Crossing the room, he touched Don's shoulder with his natural arm and squeezed, forcing his brother to pause, forcing him to look at Leo.

"Don, it's fine. This is good. You need to rest, okay? You can figure out the grip thing later."

"Later?" Don responded, shaking his head. Rest was not something Don needed, no, not when he had a project to work on, and there was no project as important as Leo's new arm.

"You don't think you'll need to, I don't know, pick anything up? No, I have to fix this. I just need to figure out which connectors are faulty. Or maybe the solder came apart inside, I'll have to look…"

"Don. Stop."

Clapping both hands on Don's shoulders, Leo turned Don to face him. "Take a breather. Seriously."

Don sighed. "Okay, fine. Just let me take the arm off and then-"

"Nice try," Leo said, smiling. "If I let you take this off, you're going to tinker with it until you fix it. I'm holding it hostage until you take a nap and eat a real meal."

Don narrowed his eyes. "That's low, Leo."

"I can live with that."

Seeing that his older brother was dead serious, Don threw his hands up in defeat. "Alright, alright. You win. I'll sleep and eat, but I want you back here tomorrow."

"Yes, doctor," Leo agreed with a polite tone, but they both knew that it wouldn't happen. Once Don fell asleep after a science binge, he was out for days.

"Ugh," Don grunted with disgust. "Fine, you asshole. At least take notes for me and let me know what other adjustments I need to make. And be careful with it! It's a delicate piece of machinery."

Leo wasn't sure what Don expected him to do with the arm that might break it. Power lifting wasn't on his agenda, but he agreed anyway. If it would ease Don's mind and help him sleep, Leo would have said whatever was necessary. Equipped with one of Don's small moleskin notebooks, Leo left with the promise to record everything while his brother took some well needed rest.

Dark autumn storm clouds coated the sky, turning it steel gray as Leo trekked from Don's small house towards the subway. It was Wednesday and he was to meet Raphael at The Hungry Ghost for a late lunch, like they had every Wednesday for the last four weeks. A swoop of anticipation lunged inside of him as he descended the stairs to into the bowels of the city, where trains rattled through crisscrossing tunnels like huge, metallic worms.

Raphael was already waiting when Leo arrived, one of those disgusting wheatgrass shakes in front of him. With a flush of pleasure, Leo saw that Raph had him ordered tea. The small, steaming mug sat across from Raph, filling the space until Leo could arrive.

"Sorry," Leo said, a little breathless as he slid into the booth. "Appointment ran late."

"No shit," Raph said, though Leo really wasn't very late. It was more a phrase of appraisal as his golden eyes scanned Leo, fixating on the new arm and examining it. Leo wondered if Raph could hear the hum.

"Pretty fuckin' cool," Raph said at last, nodding with approval. "Yer a bonafide cyborg."

"Yeah," Leo responded, his ego inflated by Raph's praise as he lifted his tea to take a drink. "I guess I am."

The illusion of coolness came crashing down when the mug wobbled in Leo's prosthetic hand and fell, hitting him in the chest and rolling down his stomach, spilling scalding tea in a waterfall down Leo's torso.

"Fuck!" He shouted, jumping up from his chair and venting his shirt, fanning it against himself to keep the tea from scorching his skin.

To his credit, Raph didn't laugh, but he couldn't keep himself from smiling. "Still workin' out the kinks?"

"Shut up," Leo grumbled, brushing ineffectually at his shirt. "I have to go home and change."

"My place is closer," Raph said, standing up, smirk firmly affixed to his lips. "Why doncha come have a drink with me? A real one."

Pausing his efforts to save his shirt, Leo considered Raph's offer. In the month since their friendship had budded, neither had invited the other to their home. Every meeting they'd had had taken place here, at the café.

"Okay," Leo said, shrugging as he threw the napkins he'd been trying to dry himself with onto the tabletop. "What's the address? I took the subway, so-"

"Nah," Raph responded, his grin widening. "C'mon, man. You can ride with me."

In all his years, Leo had never ridden a motorcycle before. In retrospect, this was likely not the best day to do it. The entire way to Raph's apartment, Leo had gripped him like an old lady clutching winning lottery tickets, trying not to be sick or to fall off. The half-hearted fear that his arm would somehow be torn from his body or his fragile fingers would break from his death grip on Raph's torso throbbed in the back of his mind the whole way. Either indifferent to Leo's discomfort or elated by it, Raph took corners like he was in a street race. The only good thing to come from Raph's reckless driving was the time saved; it took a mere seven minutes to get to his small, squat building. Leo, relieved, could not clamber off the devil's contraption fast enough.

"Jesus!" Leo exclaimed, fixing Raph with a hot glare. "How do you still have a license?"

"I don't get caught," Raph replied, a dead ringer for James Dean's black doppelganger. Calm, cool, rebellious smile. Smart leather jacket. Tight pants. Devil-may-care attitude. Leo glared harder.

Raph turned without beckoning for Leo to follow and let himself into the building. There was a short, narrow hallway leading to the back corner apartment and Leo followed at a distance, peering over Raph's shoulder as he turned the key and opened the door.

The apartment was comfortable and tidy with a lingering smell of marijuana and booze. A couple of trash bags, filled with beer bottles and cans then tied up, were lined against the wall in the kitchen. Not exactly a Martha Stewart home, but the couch looked clean.

"Take your shirt off," Raph said.

"Huh?"

"Take. Your. Shirt. Off," he repeated, enunciating the words and gesturing at Leo's tea-stained top.

"Oh. Right." With nervous, uncoordinated fingers, Leo began to undo the buttons of his shirt. It was harder than usual due to the clumsiness of his robotic hand but he managed, with a small amount of muttering and cursing.

Raph had disappeared into the bedroom but returned a moment later with a faded tee shirt that had once been black. It was ashy gray now and Leo caught it in his good hand when Raph tossed it across the room. Pulling it over his head, Leo looked down. The words 'I'm Not Mexican" were emblazoned in dull white text across the front. Leo lifted his head to meet Raph's eyes, quirking a brow questioningly at him.

"Belonged to an ex," Raph said, flopping down onto the couch. Reaching under, he extracted a wooden box from the inside and flipped it open, revealing buds of marijuana and a crude pipe made of tinfoil.

"He was from Peru, but since he had that Spanish-y accent, everyone always assumed he was Mexican. It pissed him off. I got that for him as a gag gift a couple of Christmases ago. He thought it was hilarious."

"He?"

"Yeah," Raph responded, packing the pipe and lighting up. "Got a problem with it?"

"No," Leo answered honestly, sitting beside Raph on the couch. "Just surprised. I never would have suspected that you were gay."

"Yeah?" Raph took a drag and offered the pipe to Leo, who politely refused. "Why's that?"

"You're so masculine," Leo said, only realizing how ignorant he sounded when Raph gave a sharp, derisive bark of laughter.

"You got a lot to learn about fags," Raph mumbled around his pipe. "We come in all shapes and sizes nowadays. You want a drink?"

"Please."

Raph stood up slowly and ambled to the kitchen, returning not with a beer but a bottle of whiskey and two tumblers. He sat them on the coffee table and unscrewed the bottle cap, pouring generous portions of the luminescent amber liquid into each glass. The fuller one was given to Leo.

He sniffed the drink inquisitively before taking a sip. It burned in the pleasant way of expensive alcohol. Leo suddenly understood where Raph's income was going, because it certainly wasn't being spent on home furnishings. Marijuana. Alcohol. Things to dull the memories and then make them dissolve. Leo couldn't blame him, even if he didn't approve of Raphael's chosen coping methods.

"So, what happened?"

"Huh?"

"To your ex. Where is he?"

"Oh, Chame?" Raph answered, relaxing back into the well-worn cushions that knew his shape. "He got deported."

"That's awful!"

"Yeah," Raph agreed. "But I ain't worried. Chame's a smart guy and a fuckin' criminal. He's fine, wherever he is."

How callous it must have sounded describing his ex like that, but there was no use crying over deported Peruvians. Had he loved Chame? Yes. Was he upset when Chame was deported? Of course. But there wasn't anything he could do about it, no way to bring him back, so Raph tried his best not to think about. Besides, that had been years ago and Chame had long since gotten into contact with Raph to let him know that he was back in South America and doing just fine.

"What 'bout you? You got any exes?"

"Yes," Leo answered, sipping his whiskey. "You remember my friend Usagi? We slept together."

"Huh," Raph said, a slow smile creeping over his face. "So you're a fag after all."

"No," Leo contested, shaking his head. "And stop saying that word. It's disrespectful."

"Fag, fag, fag," Raph sang, laughing as Leo's face creased into another one of his deep frowns.

"I'm not gay," Leo insisted. "I like women too."

"Hey, you ain't gotta prove nothin' to me. I ain't the fag police," Raph said, shrugging his shoulders and smiling widely. Before the last hour, he hadn't seen Leo ruffled and he found the experience hilarious and gratifying.

He offered the pot to Leo again. "Sure you don't want any?"

"No thank you."

"Suit yourself."

Leo drank his whiskey sullenly. Why did Raph have to be like that? What was he trying to prove, throwing himself and that offensive word around? Even when he was younger and sleeping with Usagi, Leo had never referred to himself as a fag and he never would. Besides, that had been a long time ago. He and Usagi had broken up years ago. Usagi was married now and had a son. Those days were behind him.

The alcohol pooled warmly in his stomach and Raph, being a gracious host, refilled Leo's cup when it was low. Leo nodded his thanks and watched Raph. The man lounged into the couch cushions, whiskey in one hand and pipe in the other, enjoying both with long, full swallows and half-lidded eyes. He looked relaxed; Leo envied that. Relaxation had always been a difficult state for him to achieve.

Time ticked on, passing primarily in companionable silence as Leo got drunker and Raph got both drunker and higher. It was easier to watch Raph the drunker he became, because somehow Leo convinced himself that he was looking at Raphael sneakily enough that Raph wouldn't notice.

"See somethin' y'like?" Raph teased with a soft purr, smiling dopily at Leonardo.

The truth was yes, Leo did. He'd thought Raphael was attractive from the moment he'd seen him in the hospital, even with the burned hair. It'd helped that when Raph had gotten up to take a piss, Leo had been treated to a full view of his rounded, muscular backside.

It wasn't just Raph's ass that Leo liked. It was his expressive eyes and face, the way that Leo could plainly see what he was feeling, most of the time, even if he didn't quite understand the hows and whys of Raph's emotional complexity. His take-it-or-leave-it demeanor, yielding without compromising his integrity, a skill that Leo had never mastered.

In the end, he supposed it was always the same. What Leo was attracted to in Raphael was what he, himself, lacked. Emotional expression, coolness, and a bubble butt he could bounce a quarter off of.

Closing the distance between them, Leo pressed his lips to Raphael's in a sloppy, drunken kiss, taking full advantage of Raph's surprised gasp. Gripping the tails of Raph's cornrows with his good hand, Leo wrenched Raph's head back, deepening the kiss. Leo could taste the whiskey and sweet bud in Raphael's mouth, a heady mixture of hedonism just as intoxicating as the many cups of alcohol Leo had poured down his nervous throat.

Raph wasn't caught off guard for long and he wrapped a strong arm around Leo's waist, pulling the smaller man onto his lap. Bold move, but he was drunk and happy and didn't care. Spreading his thighs wide, Leo straddled Raph, kissing and touching him hungrily, his face, his lips, his throat. His hand trailed downwards, caressing Raph's stomach. Reaching between them, Leo cupped Raph's crotch, groaning at the heft of it against his palm.

It had been a long time since he'd touched a cock. Not since …

The haze in Leo's mind began to clear as suddenly as a summer storm and he stumbled backwards off Raph's lap, cheeks flushing bright red with shame and embarrassment at his hasty sexual advance.

"Sorry," he mumbled, shaking his head and turning towards the door.

"Hey," Raph called, breathlessly, clambering to his feet. "What's the matter?"

"I … feel sick," Leo lied, taking a step back as Raph stepped forward. "I need … go home."

"What?" Raph said, confused as he stared at Leo, who showed no signs of backing down or changing his mind, no signs of getting back onto Raph's lap.

Raph scowled. This closeted motherfucker.

"Fine," Raph snapped angrily, "I'll call you a cab. Gimme a second."

"No," Leo ambled towards the door with disjointed, faltering steps as Raph whipped out his cell to call the taxi company. He took a few moments to collect himself in the hallway, to steady his breathing and clear his head as much as possible. That wasn't very much; he still felt like he was on a ship losing the battle against the ocean, rocking and sinking.

Leo stumbled out the complex door, squinting against the fluorescent glow of street lamps. A taxi waited in front of Raph's apartment building, the driver reading the day's paper and chomping on a cigar impatiently. Swallowing, Leo straightened his spine and strode towards the yellow checkered car, trying to make his alcohol addled limbs obey him as he picked steps over sidewalk cracks and gnarled tree roots. It seemed like they'd grown in the span of the last hour, specifically to get in Leo's way.

Halfway down the walk, he fell. Fully expecting the concrete to rearrange his face, Leo was surprised when it didn't. He'd stopped midway to the ground, floating like magic above the cement and weeds and jagged cracks.

"A'right, man, c'mon." A husky voice, rich and smooth like expensive bourbon, murmured warmly into Leo's ear. It wasn't magic. It was Raphael. Despite Leo's protests, he'd followed him out the door. Raph hooked an arm around Leo's waist and helped him to the cab.

"Yer shert …" Leo slurred, leaning his head against the door frame, tugging on the faded tee shirt with his good hand.

"Keep it," Raph replied, his voice clipped. Shoving Leo inside, Raph slammed the door then banged his fist on the roof of the taxi. The driver folded his paper and slipped the vehicle into gear, driving into the fading evening sun before Leo could remember to say thank you.

Leo watched until Raphael's scowling lips and piercing golden eyes disappeared. It wasn't far to his own home: a small, pleasant house with a meticulously kept yard and a vegetable garden in the back. Brooklyn neighborhoods slid past outside the window, indiscernible streaks of color that made Leo nauseous.

"Hey," the driver barked. "There's a $100 cleanin' fee if you hurl."

Leo didn't respond. He wasn't going to throw up. He had more control than that. A master of control, that was Leo.

How the hell had he let this happen?

Groaning, Leo rubbed his temple. He hadn't let it happen; he had made it happen. He had kissed Raphael, he had rubbed his cock, he had stuck his hand under Raph's tank top, tracing the hard muscles of his stomach up to his chest … Leo shut it out of his mind, not allowing himself to dwell on Raph's flashing eyes or his full, pouting lips curled in an angry snarl that begged to be kissed away. Leo had left him there, let Raph keep his angry eyes and angry lips, even if it wasn't what he wanted to do. It was what he was supposed to do. What he wanted to do was stop the cab and jump out, scramble down the street and take Raph's ridiculous body into his arms, his good, real, strong arm and his shaking mechanical replica, and kiss him until Raph wasn't angry anymore.

Leo scoffed at himself; so much for not dwelling. Some master of control.

The rest of the short ride, Leo thought of nothing. Years of meditation allowed him to empty his mind at will and he hardly noticed the passing of time until the cab jerked to a stop outside of his house. Leo's stomach rolled, his head swimming. He tried in vain to make the earth stand still.

"That'll be $12.71," the cabbie said and Leo nodded, patting down his pockets. Or lack of pockets. His money clip was in the pocket of his shirt, now stained with tea and hanging on Raphael's shower rod.

"Uh," he said awkwardly, "just honk the horn. My wife will pay."

Shaking his head with clear annoyance at his troublesome passenger, the man slammed his palm into the horn, grinding the heel of his hand against the steering wheel until the bright blue door of the house opened and Hazel peered out. Her chestnut eyes scanned the scene and, picking out Leo in the cab, she held up a tanned finger to signify 'give me a minute' before disappearing. Leo closed his eyes, listening to her speed to the kitchen to grab her wallet, listening as she came outside and shut the door, clipping down the paved walkway to the street.

"How much do I owe you?" He heard her say, followed by the ruffle of bills. The door clicked open and Leo spilled out into her arms, face flushed with shame and drink.

"Oh, Leonardo," she whispered, staggering under his weight as she pulled him from the cab and bumped the door shut with her hip. He heard the taxi drive away, probably relived to have Leo out of his life. Leo was home now and the cabbie didn't have to deal with his mess any longer. Unlike Hazel, who kissed his temple softly and nuzzled his hair.

"It's alright," she murmured. "You're home now, my love."


	6. The hang-over

Leo woke with a hangover pounding between his temples. It was a feeling that he hadn't experienced since his early 20s and certainly not one that he missed. Never possessing much of an alcohol tolerance, Leo had sworn off drinking by 25. It wasn't like he had a huge cache of friends waiting to invite him out drinking, so he'd never felt as though it was a particularly big loss. Since then, he'd had only the occasional glass of wine at social events and a few flutes of champagne at his wedding. Certainly never indulged in harder liquor or binge drinking.

Last night was the return of many activities that he'd long since sworn off. His head was angry with him, snarling and clawing the inside of his skull raw to let him know how stupid he'd been, but Leo didn't need the help. He knew. As soon as he cracked open his sleep-crusty eyes and remembered the feel of Raphael's stiffening cock against his palm, he knew. It was wrong, a mistake.

Stretching his arms above his head, Leo wallowed in the empty queen bed for a moment, relishing the familiar feel of his soft, satin sheets and down comforter. Hazel had picked them out, navy blue like Leo preferred. An old cherry chest of drawers was Leo's, along with both nightstands. There wasn't much else in the room; the sparse decorations of a hotel. Leo liked it; Hazel said it lacked personality.

Testing his new arm, Leo rolled out of bed. He probably should have taken it off last night, but he'd been far too drunk to think of practical things such as undressing himself or screwing off his prosthesis. He wondered if Hazel had tried; he imagined her peering at it inquisitively, giving it a twist or a turn with hesitant fingers, but quickly giving up, not wanting to break the delicate instrument. Laying the covers over him, kissing his forehead and lips softly while Leo slept.

Padding into the baby blue master bathroom, guilt gnawed at Leo for his betrayal last night. How stupid he had been! Leo told himself that as he brushed his teeth and combed his hair. He told himself how stupid it was while he dressed in the freshly pressed clothes that Hazel had laid out for him. A pang of sharp guilt froze his heart; how could he have done this to her? Hazel was a good woman and Leo loved her. Really, he did. Their relationship was the envy of her work colleagues at the museum and even Karai seemed to begrudgingly approve. Theirs was a charmed marriage, a fairy tale love story. Hazel was the only person in his life who understood him. The couple had an easy chemistry that he'd hadn't experienced with anyone else.

At least, not until Raph came knocking into his life like a demolition crew, making Leo feel things he thought he'd successfully bottled away years ago, after Usagi had left him to marry Mariko.

Leo looked in the full mirror hanging from the back of their bedroom door. Minus his red-rimmed eyes, there was no evidence of yesterday's disaster. Perfect. That was the last thing he needed his subordinates thinking, that captain Hamato was a drunk. But he looked presentable and smelled presentable after going through his hygiene routine. All that was left was going to work … and facing his wife downstairs. He could hear her in the kitchen blending fresh fruit and yogurt into Leo's go-to breakfast smoothies.

"Good morning," Hazel chirped as Leo descended the stairs of their small home.

"Morning," Leo replied, wincing at the whirl of the blender. It felt like knives being shoved into his ears.

"I suppose I deserved that," he mumbled, sitting down at the bar.

Hazel slid him a smoothie. "I wasn't trying to punish you, Leo. Just making breakfast." She regarded him seriously. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

She nodded. "Well, I think you need to talk to  _someone_  about it. Donnie, Usagi, a therapist Someone. You … lost a lot, my love. It's only natural to be upset."

Leo nodded absently. He drank his smoothie without tasting it. Would she be upset, if she knew, or would she smile the same gentle, understanding smile?  _It's only natural._

"I have to go to work today," he said, his voice thick and foreign in his own ears.

"Sure," she said, watching him finish his smoothie. Leo took it to the sink and rinsed the cup, then put it in the dishwasher. Leaning down, he planted a kiss on Hazel's cheek.

"I love you," he said.

"I'm ovulating," she replied. At Leo's flush, she shrugged her shoulders. "Just letting you know."

Leo nodded gravely. Ovulating. She wanted to have sex tonight. She'd been following her cycle for months, carefully marking everything on a calendar in the kitchen so that she'd know how to best increase their chances of conception. They'd been married for almost five years, but it was only in the last year that they'd been actively trying to conceive a child. It hadn't happened. Hazel had even seen a fertility doctor and they had this schedule, a damn schedule for sex to ensure that Hazel would be ovulating. Leo was beginning to fear that it was his fault, that there was something wrong with him and his sperm and that was the real reason that Hazel hadn't gotten pregnant yet. Every time he kissed her, it felt like a trial. Each pregnancy test that came back negative, not pregnant,  _again_ , made Leo feel like a failure.

"I have to go to work," Leo repeated, backing away from her, fleeing towards the door and his car.

"I love you," she finally said.

Leo could feel her love following him out the door, as though she'd painted a bullseye on his back. He hadn't lied to her, except for the lies of omission. He did need to go into the office, at least to arrange some paperwork. Many of his cases had been assigned to other detectives and it was important to assure the transition was smooth. After Don gave him the thumbs up, the cases would return to Leo. He'd spend the morning at the office, get some lunch, then go check on Donnie. Under no circumstances would he see, talk to, or think about Raph.

Leo made it to his first cup of tea before he thought about Raph. It wasn't even his sex, the feel of his cock in Leo's hand, but his smile. When Raph told a story, his entire face went into it. Expressive. Eyes alight, hands working feverishly through the air, face split into jubilant smiles or creased with fury. Raphael's face was a roadmap of his emotions.

Stealing a glance at himself in the reflection of his computer screen, Leo took in the neutral brows, the slight downturn of his lips. He looked like a corpse, dead-eyed and slack-mouthed. No emotion. Nothing. He was just … nothing. Leo turned away with disgust.

It was lunchtime when Leo realized his mantra of no-contract was futile. He didn't have any money. Leo didn't believe in credit cards and Raphael had all his cash hanging in the shirt above his bathtub. He'd  _have_  to go back to Raph's apartment, if he wanted it back, and he did. That was the only reason. Purely business, he told himself. He lied to himself.

Sighing, Leo resigned himself to it. He had to go to Raph's apartment.

"I'm leaving for the day," Leo informed Karai, peeking his head into her office.

The woman was surrounded by papers, requests for time off, reports of the dead, retirement and medical and disability processes. Another woman of Karai's size would have looked small, but she did not. Instead, she looked angry, as though the papers had personally offended her and she would wrangle them into submission, beat them for their insolence.

"Fine," she responded without looking up. "I do hope you are intending to return  _at some point,_ Captain."

Fucking cunt. "Yes, ma'am."

"Then you're dismissed."

Leo couldn't get out of there fast enough. In a lot of ways, he supposed Raphael was like Karai, but Leo felt a warm sort of anticipation when he thought about Raph. He felt alive when he was with the man, rather than like he was being eaten alive with Karai.

Sighing, Leo angled into his car. It wasn't a far drive to Raphael's apartment, and he wondered what he'd say when he arrived. It shouldn't be much. Just hello, how are you, I am here for my shirt, goodbye forever. Anything more would court disaster. He sighed again. He had to control himself. He had to really try to make this work, to get what he needed and then get the hell out of there.

Leo navigated out of the station's tiny parking lot and drove towards Raph's apartment with a hope and a prayer.

The morning arrived like a firebomb over Raph's apartment, bright, loud, and painful. Raph had fallen into a fitful sleep after leo left, too angry to do much else. Rolling over on his mattress, Raph shoved a pillow over his face. He still had a few days of leave. That meant he didn't have to deal with any bullshit yet, like the sun or the insistent tapping at his door.

"Whaddya want!?" He yelled, voice muffled by the pillow over his face.

"Raph?"

Raph's eyes popped open. It was Leo rap, rap, rapping at his chamber door. Swinging his legs out of the bed, Raph got to his feet and was hit with an immediate wave of vertigo. Groaning, he stumbled towards the door.

Wrenching it open, Raph glared at Leo. The policeman was the last person he'd expected to see, especially so soon after his unannounced exit stage left. Leo was primly dressed, his hair slick and combed back, his shirt and pants so pressed they could probably stand up on their own. Raph scowled at him.

"Whaddya want?" He repeated, leaning against the door frame and crossing his muscled arms over his chest.

"Uh, aren't you going to put some clothes on?" Leo asked, a bright blush staining his cheeks.

Raph would have smirked had he not been so hungover. "Nope. Whaddya want?"

"I ... left my shirt."

For a long moment, Raph regarded Leo, took in the red rim of his eyes, the twitch of his eye that happened when he was uncomfortable. It made Raph feel good. Gratified. Leo  _deserved_  to be uncomfortable, after what he had done last night.

Swiping his eyes up and down Leo's body, Raph briefly considered slamming the door in his face, but instead spread his arms wide, inviting Leonardo inside.

Leonardo swept in, ducking his head as he brushed against Raphael's naked body. He'd gotten a good eyeful when Raph had opened the door; the man was taller than Leo by a couple of inches and broader by a lot more inches. He looked as though he'd been sculpted out of marble and had life breathed into him by the fucking gods. Strong, thick arms and legs. A stomach he could cut diamonds on. And his cock. He'd felt it last night when Raph had started to get hard, but he hadn't seen it. Raph was flaccid now, but Leo hadn't been able to stop himself from looking. The length was pleasantly shaped and a rich brown hue, nestled against tufts of curly black hair. Thick. Long. Heavy.

Swallowing, Leo tucked his hands into his pockets and sped to the bathroom, trying not to look at or think about Raph's dick. Behind him, Raph followed lazily, his posture easy, watching Leo go into the bathroom and take his shirt off the hanger. He carefully folded it and exhaled, turning to face Raph.

"Thank you," Leo said, fighting the absurd urge to hold out his palm for a handshake. "I'll, uh, be going now."

"Really?" Raph said, the octaves of agitation beginning to seep into his voice. "Got yer shit, gonna jet now?"

"Yes," Leo answered. Raph's voice was making his head hurt. "I told you that was why I came."

"Yeah, I heard ya. I heard ya last night too."

Leo winced. "Raphael, don't…"

"I heard ya moanin' when you grabbed my dick, you big fuckin' faggot."

"I'm not-! Don't say that!" Leo scowled. "Why do you have to be so crass!?"

"Oh, give it a fuckin' rest!" Raph scoffed, his easiness dissolved. The anger he'd bottled last night bubbled to the surface and exploded onto his face, morphed his features into something feral as he advanced on Leo, shoved him hard in the chest. "What, you thought you was grabbin' a pussy!?"

"No!" Leo planted his feet firmly and faced Raph, his body rocking back at the shove, but his feet stayed firmly in place. This wasn't going as smoothly as he'd hoped.

"Raph, please, I don't want to fight you. I have to go back to work."

"Yeah, okay, get the fuck out," Raph spat, turning his back to Leo.

Stomping out of the bathroom doorway, Raph freed Leo's exit, then threw himself onto the couch. Spreading his thighs, Raph hitched a leg over the arm of the couch. His hands drifted between them, stroking his fingers through that tangle of dark hair. The other hand caressed his dick, traced the head of it, carefully fingered the thick veins. It began to stir to life, stiffening in Raph's hand as he glared hard at Leo's incredulous expression.

"What the hell are you doing!?"

"Whatever the fuck I want," Raph replied, wrapping his hand around his half-hard cock. "It's my apartment. Don't let the door hitcha on the ass on yer way out."

Leo just stared. Was Raph really doing this? Jacking it right there on the couch while Leo was standing a room away, clutching his dirty shirt? But the answer was clearly yes, he was, because Raph sped up, rubbing himself faster and rougher as his eyes smoldered at Leo, challenging him, daring him to walk away while also daring him to stay.

The smell of sex permeated the air. Raph's musk was so much different from Hazel's light scent. She smelled of sage and cedar and lemon. When she was aroused, her puffy cunt leaked clear fluid that covered Leo's fingers, smeared over his lips and nose, and smelled like pie crust. When Leo'd first told his wife that her vagina smelled like puff pastry, she'd laughed and called him a flatterer and a flirt. It was true, though. Through the heady smell of sex, Hazel smelled like an early morning bakery.

Raph did not smell like a bakery. He smelled like fire and smoke. Soap. Sweat. Cinnamon. Leo realized he hadn't moved, had been rooted to the spot since Raph had taken his dick in his hand and shot Leo that contentious look.

"Raph …"

"Fuck you," Raph grumbled, really working his cock now, widening his legs and panting as he jacked himself, fully erect.

This was bad. Leo took a step towards the couch. This was wrong. He thought of Hazel at home, making smoothies for breakfast. Leo should be going back to work and then home for dinner with his wife. Instead, he was staring with a slightly slack jaw at a gloriously naked man, laid out like a renaissance painting on the couch. Dick in hand. Baiting Leo. Inviting Leo. Raph wanted to have sex, of that Leo had no doubt. This show was for Leo's benefit, and maybe Raph's too a bit, some sadistic revenge for Leo's departure last night.

He shouldn't do it. He should turn right then and walk out and never, ever see Raph again. Never smell the cinnamon on his skin again. Never see the thick heft of his sex again. Leo was not a master of control, as much as he liked to be. As much as he liked to think of himself as such. He avoided temptation by avoiding situations.

But Raph was a situation. A very naked, very sexy situation. Impossible to avoid. There were many times that Leo could have derailed the collision course he and Raph were thundering down. Now was one of those times, but he hesitated. Just like all the times before, he did not turn and leave, shut Raph out of his life, as he should have.

It was stupid that Raph should have such a hold on him. They'd known each other such a short period of time. Raph made fun of him often, and Leo knew that he wasn't kidding. Raph said what he meant, even in the guise of jest. Raph was honest. Open. Everything was out there for the world to see. It was a trait that Leo had never possessed, but he envied it. Raph wasn't sneaky and underhanded. Raph wouldn't consider cheating on his wife just because he'd met a beautiful man, a man who was, maybe, offering him more than just a beautiful cock to suck.

Tossing yesterday's shirt onto the old chair, Leo crossed the room and dropped to his knees between Raph's thighs. Making no move to accommodate Leo, Raph just continued to stroke his cock in long, languid swipes of palm as his amber eyes bore down into Leonardo's, challenging him. Even when Leo sighed and leaned his head down, nuzzling the soft, delicate skin of Raph's balls, Raph simply rubbed his cock over Leo's brow, his cheeks, his nose, brushed it against his lips, but continued to jack himself.

Leo took what he was given and his tongue darted out, licking Raphael's balls lightly so that he could watch them tense and contract as cold air touched wet flesh. Raph moaned softly. Gratified, Leo gripped Raph's thigh with his hand and went to work nuzzling, kissing, and sucking every piece of tender flesh he could get his mouth on.

Pleasure coursed through his body and pulsated in his pants. Precum dotting the inside of his slacks, leaving a small stain of moisture against the beige fabric. The smell of Raph's sex so close to his face stiffened Leo's cock and he lapped eagerly between Raph's thighs without expectation or fertility charts or strange potency teas.

Moaning, Raph shifted against the couch, shoving his balls against Leo's nose. It was difficult not to watch as Leo opened his mouth and took the fragile spheres into his mouth, kissing and sucking them gently before releasing and nuzzling again. Vindication filled him; he had known that Leo wanted this, wanting to suck his dick and fuck him, and now he had the proof crouch down between his legs. No matter what Leo said, his stupid virginal hesitation, Raph knew the truth.

Warmth bubbled in his stomach, shooting down to his toes and curling them as Raph rocked towards orgasm. With a shuddering gasp, Raph came. Inconsiderately, more than anything, shooting semen across Leo's face, in his hair. How pretty it looked, Leo's annoyed face coated in Raph's thick cum. Smiling with dazed triumph, Raph smeared the cum against Leo's cheeks, rubbed it into his hair.

"That was unnecessary," Leo grumbled, wiping his face with the back of his hand and glaring up at Raph, who laughed like ice clinking in a glass of bourbon. Leo flushed hotly with indignation.

Pulling to his feet, Leo leaned over the couch, almost losing his balance when he tried to plant a hand on one side of Raph's shoulder and grab his hair with the other. The poor grip was a problem, but Leo recovered easily. He snaked his natural hand into Raph's hair and yanked, exposing the man's throat. Rather than be angry, Raph flashed his teeth at Leo, raising an eyebrow in question. In challenge. That was twice that Raph had challenged Leo. This time, Leo wasn't going to back down as easily, wasn't going to sit docilely between Raph's legs and let himself be cock-slapped like a porn star.

"Fine," he whispered, reaching his arm down to tease Raph's puckered hole. Raph hissed at the coldness of the manufactured arm, then groaned as a slender, slick digit pushed inside of him, fucking him open until Leo withdrew it. Releasing Raph's hair, Leo grabbed Raph's thighs instead and yanked him down the couch, wrenching his legs open so that he could angle his hips against Raph's ass.

It was all so fast, so rushed. Leo couldn't help himself; Raph had lit a fire inside of him, one that he felt smoldering even when Raphael was not around. When he was, it blazed. Raphael's skin burned when they touched, ached deliciously. Leo wanted this. He wanted to fuck Raph, to rise to that challenge and win, to show Raph that he was a man, a strong man and a good fuck, and maybe those insolent, derisive quips would stop. Maybe Raph would respect it.

It was all stupid, caveman, hormone-fueled drivel and Leo knew he'd probably be ashamed of himself later for even thinking it. Doubly so for indulging it. But he undid his pants anyway and held the base of his cock in his natural hand. Carefully, he guided it inside of Raph's warm, tight body with a heavy groan. He could have been gentler, could have prepared him more, but Leo's blood had boiled over, his control had broken, when Raph had swiped cum across his face like a possessive child marking his territory. If that was how he wanted it, Leo could lay claim too.

"Jerk," Leo hissed as he thrust into Raph, expecting the man to laugh in response. Instead, Raph sunk his teeth into Leo's shoulder, hard enough to draw blood through the shirt and make Leo scream. Speeding up his hips, Leo pumped into Raph viciously as Raph draw his tongue in languid spirals over Leo's bleeding shoulder, leaving wet, bloody spots in the fabric. Soothing the wound that he'd inflicted while nibbling softer, pleasure and pain in tandem until Leo couldn't contain himself any longer and he was coming, coming so hard, shoved so deep inside of Raph's body that he could feel the curve of his ass against his thighs, Raph's half-hard cock and balls shoved into his stomach.

Panting, Leo withdrew harshly, straightening up and moving away from Raphael. From the temptation that he'd given into.

"I have to get back to work," Leo lied.

"Huh?"

"I have to go," he repeated, zipping up his fly and snatching the old shirt from the floor as he practically tripped over himself to leave.

"Hey, wait up," Raph started, but it didn't matter. Leo wasn't listening to him. Lost in his own world of guilt and self-denial, Leo needed to punish himself for what had transpired between them. To do that, he needed to leave and he needed to do so immediately. If he looked at Raph's hurt and confused face (how could a grown man with Raph's life experience look so  _pure_?), then he would stay. He'd stay and kiss Raph's face, his throat, take him back into that bedroom with the ratty floor mattress and waste the afternoon making Raph scream.

"I have to go," Leo said for the third time.

"Fine," Raph snapped, pride twisting his mouth into a scowl. "Get the fuck out; who wants ya here anyway?"

Fighting the urge to apologize, Leo nodded and refolded his shirt awkwardly. Coming here had been a bad idea, just like he'd known it would be, and now Raph was angry. Again. Still? He thought of Karai, harried and surrounded by papers. Hazel with her fertility chart and ovulation. Raph with his flashing, angry eyes that demanded more.

"I'm not enough," Leo whispered.

"What?"

But Leo didn't elaborate. He just smiled a sad sort of smile at Raph before bustling out the door.

After Leo left, clicking the door shut so softly that it had surprised Raph, Raph sat on the couch until his cock had softened completely. It would have been nice if Leo had stayed instead of leaving him sitting there feeling like a $2 whore. The fucking had felt good when it was happening but now that Leo was gone and the apartment was empty, Raph's hangover pains were back to the forefront of his mind, supplemented by a sense of cheapness. A hollow sort of feeling, cold and empty and lonely.

What had he expected? He'd set Leo up for a quick fuck, and that was exactly what he'd gotten. Wham-bam, thank you, Raph.

Briefly, he considered calling Trax to grab a beer at Dusty's. He'd even reached for his phone, thrown haphazardly on the coffee table last night, before the pang of remembrance choked his heart. Trax was dead. No more nights spent of his would be spent listening to Raph's drunken rambling, bailing Raph out of jail for petty fights, holding his hair when he puked up all the liquid stupidity he'd consumed.

Letting his hand drop back to his thigh, Raph rolled onto his side. One arm tucked underneath his head, he stared at nothing. An incomprehensible sense of dread roiled inside of him, something he'd never felt before and couldn't put a name to. It was as though something awful was lurking just out of sight, waiting for something to bring mangled memories to the forefront of his brain. Like those old video games; you cannot rest here, there are monsters nearby.

Raph hated the feeling tying his gut up into notes. He wanted it to stop. Booze hadn't done the trick, not really, and even the pot had trouble keeping the nightmares at bay sometimes. Maybe it was time to try something else.

Though he'd never partaken in harder drugs than pot, Raph wasn't opposed to the idea. A junkie or an addict was someone who couldn't function because of the shit they did, but that wasn't Raph. Even with his booze and green queen, he always went to work and paid his bills. All that responsible shit. No reason he couldn't do it on something else. Hell, after what he'd been through, he deserved it and fuck anyone who said different. Maybe he wouldn't, he didn't know, but it wouldn't hurt to ask around. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around.

Rolling off the couch, Raph stumbled back to the bedroom, grabbing his phone on the way. He thought he just might know a guy who knew a guy …


	7. The Haiku

Leo had gone back to the office, his heart pounding. He had to resist the urge to retrace his steps back to the fireman. He’d spent the day like in a dream, only his body present and answering Karai absent-mindedly, shaking his head at times.   
  
He knew his superior needed him, and though he had no real usefulness, too consumed by the memory of what he had done, Leo remained until the end of the workday. It was the least he could do, given he was working only two days instead of five, since Donnie wanted to see him twice a week, and they were not even full days. 

Donatello had demanded Leo work less, starting at 9:30 am and ending at 4:00 pm, reducing his workday by three and a half hours, plus his one hour for lunch. It pissed Karai off and Leo felt ashamed about it. The deputy inspector knew that his brother was the doctor who signed the medical note. Leo hated to feel privileged. He had no choice though, with Donatello holding his mechanical arm as a hostage. Donnie wanted Leo to rest, judging the fact that he would get up to the dawn for meditation, yoga, and jogging before going to work. Leo found it rich, coming from his brother, who never slept himself.

Concerning the question of Leo’s return to full-time, Donatello had been evasive, suggesting perhaps after the winter holidays.

The policeman hadn't spoken to Hazel, ashamed about the extent of his medical leave, feeling useless; unable to work and unable to conceive a child. He had slipped a word to Raph, not fearing his judgment, since the fireman was on medical leave himself, but he didn't give details of his schedule. This ambiguity allowed him to flee from Raphael’s sooner.   
  
So, he left work at 4:00 pm, as his medical note recommended, hurrying in order to hide his impending nervous breakdown after such a day, Karai's piercing gaze following him. He wouldn't have to face this shame again until Tuesday, 9:30 am, and suddenly he was almost grateful for it.   
  
At 4:10 pm, Leo was sat in the safety of his car; he remained there for a long time, looking at himself in the mirror. He felt as though his sins were apparent on his face and he couldn’t believe his lips, which had nuzzled Raph's balls, were still normal.   
  
He was such a jerk.   
  
He didn't want to go home, to face Hazel with her sweet smile, and eat a well-cooked meatloaf with green beans, knowing that his wife was waiting for them to go upstairs and make her a child. But he had no choice. 

If he couldn't go home, where could he go? To Usagi's? Donnie's?

He didn't want to go to either of their places any more than home, because he knew his arrival would make them ask questions. Questions he didn't want to answer, not understanding his own actions himself. Besides, Usagi already had his plate full, with his wife and son; and Don, the same with his work. Leo didn't want to disturb them with his problems. He hadn't even argued with Hazel; it never happened to them. He had no reason not to return home.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at it for a few minutes. Raphael hadn't sent him a string of insults. He probably thought Leo was just an asshole who didn't even deserve an insulting text. Leo tightened his hold on the cellphone, as if he wanted to crush it, glaring at it as though an enemy who was aiming a gun at him.   
  
He couldn't bear the thought that Raph would see him as a bastard now, even though he had every right to think of him that way. During the last month, the firefighter had become important to him. He needed to explain himself, so Raph wouldn't get bitter at him, even if Leo knew he would never see him again. 

He hesitated for a few minutes, and then, with a sigh, he put the device back in his pocket and turned the engine key. Leo wasn't a coward; He was going to confront Raph in person, even if it meant he would get a punch to the face for his trouble.

The drive to the black man’s house was only five minutes, so Leo didn't even call Hazel to explain; he didn't trust himself to talk to his wife at the moment. 

Arriving in front of the building where the other man lived, he saw that Raph's motorcycle wasn't in the parking lot. He was relieved, but a part of him remained dejected. He tore the last page from a book of haiku, which was lurking under the back seat and got out of the car. He didn't look at the page, only looking for a piece of paper to write on, at least on one side, and with great strides, he nervously entered the building.

Reaching Raph's door, he knocked, more because of ethics than to inform he was coming, for he knew that the fireman wouldn't be there. He drew a pen from his pocket and wrote on the back of the sheet of paper.

_ ‘Raph, I'm so sorry. I left quickly because, after all that happened, the office was like living hell, with deaths, missing people, and medical leave. I would have liked to stay with you, have tea and talk, but I couldn't. I came back to explain, but you're not there. I hope you aren't mad at me, but if you are, I understand. L.’ _ __   
  
Satisfied that he had been able to, at least, give a kind of an explanation and apologize, Leo returned to his car, headed home to have dinner with his wife.

\---

Raphael came back late. He had neglected his Ma and Casey too much lately. He had dinner with them, his face neutral throughout the meal, as though his self-esteem hadn’t taken such a blow, and as if he didn't have a bag of cocaine in the back pocket of his pants.   
  
Casey was a moron, but a moron who knew him and he had offered to go and have a drink at Dusty's. He had accepted, even though it reminded him of the evening when he had first received a text from the bastard, Leonardo, last month. He wasn't going to stop living for that motherfucker scumbag.   
  
He had left Betty at his Ma's house, knowing fully well that he wouldn't be able to return. For once, Casey had been responsible; he had only had two beers and had left him in front of his house. 

It was near midnight, but who cared? He didn't have to get up next day and nobody was waiting for him. He felt much better at Dusty's, but the bad feeling came back as he entered his building. Raph didn't want to see his living room where Leo, after using him, had turned his back and fled, as if Raph was a contaminated whore.

Raph adamantly told himself it didn't matter. It was the kind of thing that happened to a lot of people. He had been fucked and abandoned, it was so commonplace, no reason to cry. Raph would keep telling himself that it wasn't such a big deal and, in an attempt to get his head out of the ass, he turned on the light. 

His eyes immediately landed on the ivory paper on the floor, folded in two. He frowned. Had Leo dropped something while he was leaving? Raph leaned over and, stunned, read the printed characters on one side.

_ ‘If piece I lack _ __   
__   
_ And whole I can't seem to be _ __   
__   
_ Will you finish me?’ _ __   
  
He raised his eyebrows and quickly turned the paper around. On the other side, there was elegant handwriting he identified as Leo's. His first thought was to scrunch the paper into a ball, but he stopped, disturbed. He realized that Leo had come back. He had come back to see him.   
  
Raph guessed very well that what Leo was saying was true. The repercussions of 9/11 had not stopped yet, maybe they never would. He remembered what Leo had told him about his superior, that she was a bossy bitch, breathing down his neck nonstop.   
  
He put himself in the place of the captain, wondering if Angel would have given him time to fuck anybody during working hours. The answer was no. Even with one arm missing, Leo seemed to want to be treated like everyone else. Besides, his boss didn't seem to be willing to do him any favors... so maybe Leo was not as much of the son of a bitch as he had believed, causing him to mope and drink all evening.   
  
He sat down in his chair, turning the sheet of paper in his hands, wondering what to do. He removed the bag of cocaine from his jeans, uncomfortable because of the bump it made, along with his cell phone. He placed both the bag and his phone on the table and looked at them, back and fork, waiting for a sign, wondering from which of them he would get the best relief. 

With a sigh, he grabbed the phone and scrolled down the names of his contacts until he reached the one he wanted.

He hesitated slightly. His pride and self-esteem had been wounded earlier and he didn't want to look like a guy with no balls, who could be played with. Then he remembered how he had spent the miserable day, and sent his pride to hell.   
  
He decided to send a neutral message to the policeman, with a hint of humor, to save the face. He was unsure how he should interpret the sort of poem that Leonardo chosen – he was sure of it – to go along with his message.   
  
_ ‘Hey, I'm no longer angry. U left so fast that I thought ur car was turning into a pumpkin. I even looked for a glass slipper. Your boss holds you by the balls, I understand, even if I would have preferred that u'd kept mine in your hand or mouth.’ _ __   
  
He pressed ‘send’ impulsively and waited impatiently for an answer, staring at his phone. He knew he was being ridiculous. It was almost midnight and undoubtedly, the perfect and tidy Captain Hamato was in bed. 

After a very long moment, about ten minutes, he snarled at the powder bag, having an irrepressible need to clear his mind, create a mental vacuum; but he was interrupted when his cell phone vibrated, the screen lighting up.

Raph rushed over it, leaving the bag of cocaine behind as he went to read the message.

_ ‘Hi Raph, I'm relieved you're not angry. I couldn't sleep, I know that usually we see each other on Wednesday, but if you want, I can find some time to go to the Café before next week.’ _

The heavy weight crushing Raphael's chest since Leo's hasty departure finally started to lift, after reading the policeman's kind reply. With an enthusiasm he hadn't had for a long time, he wrote back without thinking. 

_ 'Well, maybe I have time for you tomorrow, between two sexy chicks.’ _

He waited for the answer, anxious again. Tomorrow? He wasn't one to insist. Why was he so eager to see Leonardo, again? The man was no fun, many of his friends were more so; he was too damn serious. Was it because sex with Leo was incredibly good and it'd been a while since Raph had had a good fuck? 

Whatever the reason, he was being ridiculous, but he didn't give a shit about that.

For some unknown reason, Leo made him feel better... he made him feel complete. Raph looked back at the poem Leo had chosen. The policeman seemed to feel an approaching feeling and it had been a long time since anyone had felt anything but fraternity or friendship for him. Leo wasn't looking for a fling, he was too much of a serious guy. But then, what did the Captain want? 

And Raph himself, what did he want? Leo was a handsome man, but in a different way to what would usually attract him.

He had not seen Leo's body, which had been covered by clothes each time they had sex, but he had easily guessed at a tight musculature, not impressive like his, but he wasn't looking for a twin. The noble posture of the policeman and his courteous and grave voice were peculiar. Leo was not just anyone, he was different and the features of his face caught Raph’s attention, for they were so manly, elegant and mysterious. Raph often had the feeling of being fascinated, like he was in front of a Sphinx. But what he found the most interesting about Leo was his old, wise eyes. Leo physically looked very good for 35 years old, but behind his gray-blue, almond shaped, eyes, he found there was a wisdom and a calm, very appealing for a blazing fire like him.   
  
Leo could have deep conversations, but also, in the next moment, would joke badly, and his clumsy efforts to socialize were touching. But when they had sex, Leo was no longer awkward, from what he had seen, and for Raph, the sexual aspect of a relationship really mattered. Leo seemed to have the drive of a born-leader in bed, at least during intercourse. 

Afterward, the policeman seemed to be remorseful, which Raph didn’t understand. After all, Raph was a single, major, and willing man. Where was the problem? Surely not the age difference of only seven years.

And why had he thought of a ‘relationship’? What a stupid idea. He wasn't looking for anything romantic. Was he looking for it? If so, certainly not with a person as annoying as Leonardo Hamato. Okay, he had been fucked senseless by the annoying person with gorgeous eyes like shining steel. So what? It wasn't his first one-night-stand with a handsome man. 

At the same time, Leo's answer arrived. He confirmed he would be there, after his appointment with Donnie at 11 o'clock. Raph's gut clenched. Leo wanted to meet him at his apartment and not in a public place. That didn't mean anything, but perhaps the policeman wasn't against physical reconciliation. Raphael wondered whether, if he did, he would let himself go. His eyes fell, as he wondered, over the bag of cocaine. What he knew, however, was that he didn't need it today. He stood up to put it in the closet in his bathroom.

\---   
  
Two miles away, Leo, in his bathroom was staring at his phone as if it had grown a head. After a pleasant meal with his wife, helping her as much as he could with the dishes, and two hours in front of the television, Leo had closed the curtains and made love to his wife. 

While he was inside of Hazel, he realized that his wife wasn't chasing orgasm, but had a little Leo or a little Hazel on her mind. She wasn't with him, but at a future baby's shower, drinking virgin mimosas and unpacking blue or pink layettes. Leo wondered again if Hazel would be defeated next month when she'd get a negative test.

He tried to focus on the task, and with shame, finally managed to ejaculate at the thought of another body, so tight and warm, that he had penetrated earlier. Overwhelmed by the remorse, Leo stood up to go for a shower and noticed he had received a message on his phone.

Discreetly, he took it and headed for the bathroom, wondering who had texted him so late, not daring to expect the name he hoped for. A heat had invaded his chest as he discovered the sender, and the contents of the message. 

There in his bathroom, he stared at the device for several minutes, his heart pounding, and finally, he replied. He was just relieved that Raph was no longer angry. The fireman was a good friend and an excellent listener. He made him laugh and relax, and gave him a sensation of general well-being. After everything he had gone through, he needed that. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was a seductive man.

He needed to see Raph again quickly; the sooner, the less damage it would be done to their budding friendship. The thought of meeting Raph the next day, or well, in a few hours actually, made him dizzy. 

He thought briefly of his wife, who, having been given his sperm, snored quietly in the next room. But he didn't feel guilty for tomorrow, he wasn't going to do anything with Raph, just apologize, in private and promising never to do it again. Yes, it was a good plan.

So, he confirmed with the fireman, that he would meet him at his apartment just after his meeting with Donatello.

\---

He arrived in front of Donnie's house the next day, more than thirty-five minutes early, having been in a hurry to leave his house and hoping so he could leave Donnie’s sooner. He had been about to head inside when he received a text from his brother, putting off their appointment until next day due to an emergency. 

Leo cursed under his breath. He had told Hazel that after his appointment with Donatello, he would have lunch with his brother and then go straight to work. This had made sure he had three hours with Raph, time needed to repair their friendship, damaged because of his poor self-control. But, with this cancellation, he should go back to Donnie the next day and then Hazel would wonder what he had done today, since he hadn't gone home.

He couldn't cancel his meeting with Raph. It was already a miracle that, after all his indecent advances and disrespectful behavior, the fireman had agreed to see him again. Besides, he wanted to see Raphael. Hazel was aware of his existence, as well as the Wednesday meetings. 

He would tell her the truth. Anyway, his wife, herself, had told him to find someone to talk to.

He silenced all the voices in his head and typed out a message to the black man, asking if he could come over immediately, since his brother could not see him. Perhaps Raphael was still asleep or wouldn’t want to see him soon; If he did, Leo would go home. 

However, he was quickly reassured by Raph's reply.

_ "Sure" _

Nervous, but also excited, despite his judgment which told him not to be, he went to Raphael's. The motorcycle wasn't in the parking lot, but Leo passed by. Raph must be home since he had told him to come by.

\---

Raphael had just got up from his bed when he received the message from Leonardo asking him if he could come over. He hadn’t expected the policeman before noon, at least, and eagerly replied  _ "sure" _ , even though he was not ready to receive a visitor. 

He had fallen asleep late, after having going over all his encounters with Leonardo in his mind, wondering what the policeman wanted and what he, himself, wanted. Was he interested in Leo? Was Leo interested in him? Of course, physically, he seemed to please the captain, but beyond sex... Did he have an interest in something more? Did Raph want to get involved in something more?

He had fallen asleep, exhausted from these unanswered questions somewhere between two and three o'clock in the morning.

  
He had no idea of the distance between his home and Leo's brother's office, but he rushed to open the window of his room and the window of the living room to ventilate the apartment. He looked like shit when he studied himself in the mirror and he immediately brushed his teeth to remove the smell of whiskey and smoke, and then threw himself into the shower.   
  
He soaped himself vigorously, while still questioning himself. If Leo wanted sex, what should he do? He didn't want to be treated as disposable again, that he was sure of. As he stepped out from under the water, he told himself that he was overthinking it. He would go by instinct, as always.   
  
He had just got out of the shower, wiping himself dry with a burgundy towel, when he heard the slight knock at his door. 

"Fuck! Already?" he mumbled, as he nervously went to open the door.

Leo stood in front of him, embarrassed, with an apparent blushing on his paler complexion, his hair impeccably combed, as always, and wearing a very light blue shirt and freshly pressed coal-gray pants. Leo had to spend his income at the laundrette. How could a wild sex-animal, as he seemed to be, look like such a dork, Raph wondered, making a lazy gesture to let him in.   
  
Leo wondered again why he had thrown himself into the tiger den. He had thought and thought about what he was going to say; he didn't want to lose what he had with Raph, that he knew, no matter what it was. He quickly studied the man in front of him, radiant in his almost nakedness. He chastised himself; he had no right to think that of the fireman. Raph, for once, seemed vaguely uncomfortable and he slipped away to put on some clothes.   
  
As the black man dressed, Leo braced himself. He would apologize, as planned, say he would never do it ever again, and they would be able to move on. Taking advantage of not being under the intimidating look of the other man, Leo began his mea culpa on the other side of the door:   
  
"Raph, I'm so sorry for what happened... I don't want you feeling used or not important to me... You're very important to me and... "   
  
"Sorry, Captain, I can't hear ya. Come in, there nothin you ain't seen before."   
  
Leo cursed. Raph did it on purpose. But remembering how he had treated the fireman, he entered. Raph had just put on some bright red boxers, highlighting the hard curves of his lower back. Leo just stared.   
  
"So, care to repeat what you said?"   
  
"Uh, well…I just told you that you were important to me. I have not felt so close to someone for years and I think... "   
  
"So, ya wanted ta be closer?"   
  
Leo had no idea how to respond to that. Was it what he wanted? In a way... But it was not that simple. He had desired Raph and if he was sincere with himself, he had to admit that he had wanted his room-mate at the hospital from the start. But it wasn't just physical... He had a chemistry with Raph that he simply couldn't explain. 

Raphael was waiting for his answer, his arms folded, not dressing anymore. He owed explanations and answers to Raphael, after his inexplicable behavior. Had he not come here for this purpose?

"I feel a need to know you better. You're a special person, and I feel good with you. I wondered if I could feel even better if I were closer to you," he explained, with honestly.

But, it seemed, to his own ears, that it was a pathetic and meaningless answer. Raph looked a little unhappy with it. 

"And me, ya think I felt better when, twice, ya turned away from me as if I had a disease? Or haven't ya thought of me at all? Kind of selfish, don’t ya think?"

Leo began to apologize again, ashamed, but Raph interrupted him. 

"Talk is cheap! Ya not at yer office! Ya want me to forgive ya, then show me some action! "

Unsure, Leo raised his cobalt blue eyes. Raph gave him a green light. How could Raphael offer him, with his pure and honest face, his ebony body again, when twice he had acted like an ungrateful jerk? Leo had nothing comparable to give him. Hazel seemed to love having sex with him, but he suspected it was more the prospect of conceiving a baby that motivate Hazel.

Seeing that Leo seemed hesitant, Raph frowned. 

"Yer call, Captain, ya want to be closer and ya want to show me that I'm important for ya? Go. I am waiting. Or are ya only a fucking teasing player with a big mouth?" he taunted, showing his almost naked body with an inviting gesture and an arrogant smile, defying Leo, once again.

Again, the silent but irrefutable challenge burned his blood. He took a step toward the other man who, complacently, had sat down at the end of the bed, offering himself, his thighs slightly apart. But at the second step, Raphael's face became more serious.   
  
"Every step ya make, ya owe me an hour. So ya owe me two. If ya not ready to pay this debt, ya can go back where you're coming from, and fuck someone else in the ass, but if ya want me, ya have to walk," Raph articulated clearly, to show the seriousness of his deal.   
  
Leo had stopped moving at the first words. Raph was six feet from him, about five steps away. If he had understood the demand of his friend, if he completed the distance between him and the fireman, he had to stay with him for seven hours. Seven hours! It was more than his new days of work! It was insane!   
  
But, on the other hand, if he turned his back now, he knew he couldn't come back again, because that would validate Raph’ assumption that he was just an asshole. 

He was caught between the door back to his normal life, and the magnificent feast in front of him. He could go back to Karai's demands at work, and his attempts to make a child for Hazel at home; or he could stay and give himself to Raphael, who asked only for his presence, and sex for the pleasure of the thing, and nothing more.

He really meant what he had said to Raph, earlier. He liked him and he found that the fireman, who had also been through a lot, deserved relaxation and pleasure, just like he did. Raph was willing, there was no doubt. He had nothing to do until dinner time and he had to be forgiven. Raph and he deserved these seven hours of happiness. He forbade himself to think of anything else as he crossed the steps separating him from Raphael.   



	8. The dinner

"Why are you smiling like a fool? Do I have parsley between my teeth?" 

Donatello's question startled Leo.

"Oh, you know, just happy to see you, Don," he replied, eagerly, without thinking. His little brother glared at him.

"Please," the doctor said, rolling his eyes. 

He didn't add anything else, but Leo understood that it meant ‘please, don't take me for a dumbass’. Donnie could think what he wanted, Leo didn't care. As long as he didn't think Leo had to spend the whole previous day leaning on the mechanical arm the doctor had just adjusted, making Raph, the man who five weeks earlier had been lying next to him in the hospital, screaming his name in pleasure.

Leo kept thinking of yesterday. It had helped that Hazel had had a bachelorette party he had forgotten about. 

Leo had received her message while Raph was on the phone with his Ma. Hazel had gently reminded him, around the end of the afternoon, that she wouldn't be eating with him but instead with her friends and colleagues, and that she would be back home around 11 pm. This had removed his last ounce of stress.

Leo had been with Raph for over five hours already, and they’d had sex three times. Between each time, his black lover had gently caressed him and this sweetness, coming from a man so physically imposing, had touched him.

Leo knew that, unfortunately, he would have to leave soon. It had nothing to do anymore with the seven-hour agreement. Raph was no longer angry with him and Leo had proven he was interested in him. 

Leo just didn't want to leave so soon.  

Raph's body, so hard under his fingers, and the taste of cinnamon and he didn't know what else on his tongue. The first kisses had been more exploratory and then, demanding. Leo had become wild, with all the self-restraint of a starving raccoon at a banquet, but he didn't hear any complaints from the firefighter. But the last kisses, before Hazel's message and Raph's phone call, had been slow and considerate, along with meaningful looks and tender caresses, their bodies weaned and contented.

And Leo, though he was satisfied, didn't want to leave yet. It seemed to him that there were still too many unknown aspects of Raph that he wanted to discover and his partner seemed to feel the same need.   
  
Raph's belly gurgled, since they didn't have breakfast and Leo kissed his navel lovingly. 

"You're not full yet?" he asked with a teasing smile.

"Bastard, ya arrived more than an hour earlier than expected, I didn't even have time to eat," Raphael replied with a false indignation.   
  
Tenderly, with one of his strange attempts to try humor, Leo told him that he was being ungrateful, since Leo made him cum four times, and then he’d called him a bastard.   
  
Raph remained silent only a few seconds looking at him straight in the eye. 

"D' ya prefer me to call ya Babe?" Raph asked half-mockingly, but with what seemed to be an undertone of seriousness.

It was Leo's turn to be quiet for a moment. Was it a real question or a joke? If it was a bad joke, Leo didn't have to worry about it, but if it was a question, it wasn't an ordinary one. If Raph nicknamed him ‘babe’ they were a step closer to attachments; attachments meant actual sentiment, and sentiment meant a real affair, and that was something Leo couldn't have.

Yes, he felt something more than physical desire for Raphael and Leo liked him enough not to make Raph waste his time with him. Raphael deserved someone who could be a hundred percent with him and not just a quick fuck.

Leo told himself he was overthinking it. Perhaps Raph only wanted a quick fuck? Raph only asked if he could give him an affectionate nickname. Raphael seemed to be an affectionate person. The fireman had not made a proposal, one knee on the ground. Yes, Leo was overthinking it and the black man was just fine with giving sweet pet names to his sex-buddy.

Raphael stared at him with his golden eyes, his head resting on his hand, on an elbow. 

"Hey, take it easy, Chief,” he told him. “Ya not a suspect I'm questioning, ya gonna hurt yerself thinking so loud! It was a joke!"

Leo, used to reading body language, was not completely convinced it was only a joke. But, Raphael's version was easier to stomach.

In order to change his mind, Raph kissed him gently and offered to eat with him somewhere. It was about 5 pm and Leo agreed, for he hadn't eaten anything since his wholewheat toast and his orange juice that morning. He owed Raphael another hour, and in any case, Leo was hungry and was in no hurry to leave the black man. 

Leo agreed, on the condition that they did not take Raphael's bike. Raphael then remembered that his motorcycle was at his Ma's house. He went to call her and it was at this moment that Hazel texted him, offering Leo a good six hours more with... his friend? His fuckbuddy? His lover? Leo decided that names, nicknames, and titles, had bothered him enough for today. He wanted to focus on the moment, not on its meaning or its calling.

Raph had returned then, flushed, and Leo had been astounded to see this mastodon having this look of deep embarrassment.

"My ma invited me to dinner... but she said that... uh, my friend is invited as well.”

It had been Leo's turn to blush, but Raph, while passing his hand through his braided hair, muttered that Leo could just drop him at his Ma's house and do whatever he pleased. Raph had also seen the time passing and the deadline approaching. Leo had caught Raph’s gaze several times in the last hour, on the digital dial and his adorable pout had grown bigger as time went by. 

Leo could leave, as Raph was offering him, and they could have sex in the shower one last time, until there was no hot water left, and then Raph would go to his adoptive mother’s house. Raph would have no bad feelings against him, but Leo guessed his lover would be disappointed.

Besides, there was nothing waiting for Leo until 11 pm. He could afford the luxury of remaining with Raphael for a few more hours. His lover, afterward, would no longer be angry with him, if he even still was. 

Leo wanted to give Raphael that little pleasure and make him smile. So, he accepted.

He saw Raph’s oh so expressive features show his surprise, and delight. The fireman had then shrugged his shoulders simply saying "Okay then".

Leo had retained his knowing smile in the face of this evident ‘cool guy act’. The important thing was that Raph was happy and that Leo’s horrible behavior was forgotten.

They had made love before leaving, one last time. But it seemed that that time was different and for that reason, Leo thought about it as ‘making love’, and not ‘having sex’ or ‘fucking’. 

And thus, even though he was only thinking about it, quietly sitting down in Donnie's office, he had to hide a boner.

They had started the foreplay with lascivious caresses and sweet kisses and Raph had asked Leo if the policeman wanted to ride him. Bottoming wasn't Leo's favorite thing to do. He had been able to do it with Usagi, but only after being with him for a few months. Leo needed to trust his partner completely to let go of control. But his resistance with Raph didn't last. Riding meant he would keep some control. And he had to admit, he was curious to experience this feeling again, with Raphael. And, more importantly, even if he hadn't known him for very long, Leo trusted Raphael enough for that.   
  
The sensation of fullness, Raph's hands in both of his own, the real and the fake one, the praises flowing endlessly from his partner's mouth... All of this was mind-blowing. And after having heard some, "How can ya be so fucking tight, babe" or "Let yerself go, babe" or "Oh shit, oh sh-shit baby, oh shit, keep going… I'm gonna fuckin’ cum," he realized that he didn't care if Raph called him "babe" or "baby". It seemed... right, in a way.   
  
Leo hid his erection the best he could from Donatello's falcon gaze. Thinking again of this moment turned him on too much and his brother was already quite suspicious. He sighed as he squeezed the ball to test his grip, and he thought of the evening at Raphael's adopted mother’s house. The fireman had presented him as a ‘friend,’ but Ma had cast a knowing glance. This look had made Leo uncomfortable and made him wonder about her meaning.   
  
Leo thought that perhaps Raph had other lovers, several, whom he presented to his Ma. Maybe Leo was nothing special for Raphael, maybe he had nothing that distinguished him from his other ‘friends’. He realized with horror that he had never thought of using condoms with Raph. What if he caught a disease and gave it to Hazel?   
  
His discomfort and almost panic had to have been obvious as Raph gently squeezed his hand, 

"Its okay, ya need something?"

Leo shook his head, his gaze avoiding the black man, and the latter told him softly then not to worry about his mother.

"Ma sees me boyfriends everywhere."

"Well, for that, you should bring someone, someday, first,” Ma shouted indignantly from the kitchen. “You have never introduced me to anyone since the Mexican. "

As Raph explained in a neutral voice that Chade wasn't Mexican, Leo was overwhelmed with immense relief. He realized that he had been stupidly jealous and that made him think. What was Raphael to him? Why had the idea of not being special to Raph upset him so much? He had decided to think about it later, alone, at home.

The meal had been simple, but tasty. They ate spaghetti with meatballs that were the size of baseballs and Leo had a brief thought for Hazel who made beef only once a week because it was so unhealthy. Leo had glanced at Raph, who nervously crumbled his bread. 

His mother had taken over the red wine, which she apparently only opened on special occasions, and she told him they hadn’t had one of those since Casey had met April.

"He’s just a friend, Ma,” Raph mumbled, embarrassed as he took the glass of wine:  “You know, the guy from the hospital."

Ma had said with a wink, that she recognized Leo, ‘for she wouldn't forget a beautiful man like him.’ and the policeman had felt self-conscious under the unsubtle appreciative stare.

They had spoken of the attacks; briefly of politics; of Donatello, that charming doctor (on this subject, Leo had seen Raph rolls his eyes); and about the father and the mother of the policeman. Raphael listened carefully, but didn't ask questions. He spoke only when his Ma shed tears, recounting the death of her husband, Casey's father. The black man stood up to comfort her and kindly helped her to take the dishes away.   
  
But Ma was a woman whose emotions changed as quickly as those of her adopted son. She wasn't going to cry for a man who died more than twenty years ago, when a beautiful stranger was there, accompanying her son. 

"Leonardo, you told us about your father, your brother and the death of your poor mother, but I wonder how such a charming man can be single?" the woman innocently asked, and Leo had choked on his wine.

As he coughed in the napkin, his thoughts going a hundred miles a minute Raph was unaware of Hazel’s existence. Leo had lost his wedding ring with his arm on September 11th and by an odd coincidence, Hazel had only come to see him in the hospital when Raph had been asleep or absent. Was it a good time to announce it to Raph, at the table with his mother? ‘Oh, I forgot this detail, you had sex with a married man?’  To say his lover would be pissed off would be an understatement.

Leo ignored the question, trying not to lie as he answered, "I'm not so charming." 

The mother exclaimed that if Leo was ten years older, she would tie him to her bed. The policeman, flushed at the brutal answer, taking advantage of it to sneak into the bathroom, suspecting that Raph would surely make remonstrances to his mother in his absence, reproaching her for putting Leo in such an uncomfortable position.

Leo had also used this time to see if he had any messages from his wife. It was only 8 pm and Hazel had not texted him, but he couldn't go home yet anyway, it would be rude.

Raph had knocked on the door of the bathroom as Leo was washing his hands, making him jump. : "Man, I'm sorry,” Raph said earnestly. “Ma is easily fussed. She promised not to embarrass ya with her questions again."   
  
"I understand," Leo answered calmly. "All mothers wish the best for their sons and want to see them happy with somebody who will take care of them when they are gone. Mine, if she were alive, would think so and look out for me, and would probably not be bothered by if I'm looking for a relationship or not.”   
  
"Are ya looking for a relationship?" The question, as brutal as that of his mother, was asked in a more neutral voice, but still caught Leo by surprise. Did Raph mean a relationship in general or with him?   
  
"And you?" Leo blurted, too shocked to think of an answer.   
  
Raph shrugged his shoulders: "Dunno." The black man seemed nervous, at least, for a moment. "Come on, Ma wants to be forgiven with a piece of chocolate devil's cake."   
  
Leo followed, and Raph's mother, a so malicious and dangerous woman, said, "I'm so sorry Mr. Hamato, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but my baby hasn’t brought anybody since that rabble Mexican! He was a thug, a bad influence on my son. Understand that, seeing a man like you, a captain of the police, tidy, clean, polite and handsome, my mother's heart hoped."   
  
She put the plate of cake in front of Leo and waited a moment. Even if she was a white woman, the expressive face reminded Leo of his black lover. Probably that Raph had learnt some traits from this theatrical woman during his childhood with her. She was holding something back and Leo didn't want to wait for what it was. They were at dessert and Raph had just put the kettle on the stove for Leo's tea. The policeman had calculated that he could leave in forty minutes without appearing rude.   
  
The captain had turned the conversation to about Raphael himself and learned several things he didn't know, probably of the things that Raph himself would have liked him to continue not knowing; for example, how she had learned of her son’s homosexuality.   
  
"He never even wanted to try with a woman, I wouldn't have grandchildren coming from my baby, and what a pity for a good-looking man like him! Don't you think my son looks good?" She didn't wait for the answer, too excited by the situation. of having a prospect for her son at the dinner table. "Since that Mexican thug was gone about four years ago, Raphie is single. I know he's not chaste and since the Mexican... "   
  
"Ma, for the last fucking time, he was Peruvian and I don't want ya to talk about it. Leo doesn't give a damn about Chame"   
  
Ma shrugged. "Mexican, Peruvian, who cares? He was a criminal and gave you bad habits." More harsh than necessary, Raph placed the steaming cup of tea in front of the policeman. "Leo has nothing to do with Chame, let's talk about other things."   
  
"Oh, sure he doesn't… He has such good manners. He drinks tea, not beer or tequila or whiskey." She was smiling and Leo thought that Chame must have had a hard time with Ma during his relationship with Raph.

"You're not smoking, Captain, are you?"

The policeman's negative response delighted Ma and she gave a meaningful glance to her flushed son, who seemed to regret this dinner invitation with every fiber of his being.

Leo saw the last barriers of restraint of the woman disappear. Ma loved her baby madly and wanted, despite Raph himself and the laws of etiquette, to find him a good match and if possible, the captain himself. 

"Don't you like my son? Is it because he is a man? Are you not attracted to men? Or because he is black? I heard that black men were amazing lovers, right? Or is it because of his bad habits from the Mexican thug?"

Raph stood up abruptly: "That's enough! Don't get yer panties in a twist with that! I don't want a relationship, that's the reason! Will ya just drop it?" Raph declared, with authority, in a hurry to close the topic.   
  
Ma was not the kind the women to back down and was quick to reply, firmly: "You do! You never invited the thug for a meal here, let alone prepare a cup of tea for him."

The reply made Raph snap, drawing the attention of Leo, who was slightly blushing, musing if it was indeed true that Raph had never made tea for his past crushes. 

"Yeah, I've never brought Chame here and I've just been reminded why. Come on, Leo, we're off!" he snarled, obviously furious.    
  
The mother looked distressed and regretful. "What, why? He didn't even finish his tea! You're not coming here as much as you used to! You can stay another hour, right?"   
  
Raph seemed angry, but an anger that was sad and embarrassed at the same time. He didn't answer his Ma and took Leo with him, taking him by his artificial arm. 

“Sorry,” Raphael muttered, handing his coat to Leo, once downstairs in front of the door. " She hasn't had the opportunity for years to fuss over my case. We should have gone to the restaurant."

This filial embarrassment touched Leo. Ma loved her son, it was a cute and normal thing. Leonardo reassured the firefighter that he had no regrets in coming. Ma followed them downstairs and apologized over and over to Raphael, handing him a rest of chocolate cake in a Tupperware.

Raphael literally pushed Leo outside, rushing to put as much distance as possible between his friend and his mother. Once in the parking lot, Raph seemed to breathe better: "I don't think I've ever been so ashamed."

Leo smiled. "It was quite funny."   
  
Raph didn’t answer for a moment, and then made up his mind. 

"So ya going home or ya wanna spend the night with me?"

Leo blushed as he pictured the mental images of a fierce night with his black lover. It was late, Hazel would return in less than two hours surely. He had to be sleeping or reading in bed when she arrived. So, the policeman had decided to go home and Raphael seemed briefly disappointed.

"Do ya have something planned tomorrow?" Raph blurted out at the last moment.

Leo had opened his eyes wide. Raph wanted to see him again the next day or it was a casual question? "I have an appointment with Donnie, do you remember?" he quietly replied.   
  
Raphael barely hesitated: "Do ya wanna me to go with ya? I don't mind."   
  
Leo shook his head. "It's only a visit for a few adjustments."   
  
"I would have liked to see if yer brother would have given ya as hard a time as my mother did to me." Raph shrugged as if he was not disappointed, that the police officer's refusal was not important, but Leo suspected that it was.   
  
Leo had a fake smile. Donatello has been the best man at his wedding. It was not a possibility that Raph could meet the doctor again. 

"Donnie is not interested in my love or sex life," he lied, dismissing the fact that Don had spent hours on his and Hazel’s sterility case.

Raph had opened his mouth and had closed it, recovering himself. "I would kiss ya goodnight, but I bet my Ma is watching us from the window."   
  
Leo looked over the firefighter's shoulder and saw the shadow of Ma distinctly.

"Yes, you're right. She's there." Leo giggled nervously, finding the situation quite embarrassing but exciting at the same time.

He had not finished laughing when Raph, after a, "Fuck it! Let's give her a good show " had passionately captured his lips, urgently pressing him against the door of his car. Leo had felt an immediate desire for the fireman, stroking his bounced and firm ass and devouring his black throat with eager kisses.

"Ya know, if you're free tomorrow, I'm too," Raph offered after a make-out that lasted for twenty minutes at least, as if they were horny teenagers. 

Leo promised to try.

Raph laughed at this. "Playing hard to get, huh?"

And Leo hadn't responded to that.

 

Leo jumped when Donnie put a cold hand on his shoulder: "Try to be more careful, don't lean too hard on it. How's Hazel?" 

Leo's throat knotted. Donnie rarely asked personal questions that weren't oriented towards his duty as a doctor.

"Fine, I guess."

Donnie raised his eyebrows. "She's starting to work again, I wanted to know if it was too much for her to handle. And you? How's work?"

Leo, whose discomfort grew,. "Well, I don't have time to get tired since I barely work." 

Donatello had stared at him for a long time, before saying, "You look different, but not in such a bad way. If you need anything, you can tell me. Medication or prescription for psychotherapy. Anything, " he asserted, very serious.

"I'm fine, Don, really! Thanks for your concern," Leo insisted. 

The captain only wanted to leave. Hazel had her yoga classes that afternoon and an appointment with the hairdresser. He had promised to spend the whole afternoon with Raph.

He left his brother's office, on the ninth cloud, playing erotic scenarios in his mind. He didn't see the heavy look of suspicion on Don's features.   
  



	9. The white lady

Raphael was furious. Every morning, for almost a week, Leo had only quickly eaten something in passing at breakfast time, before going to work. Raphael had to get up earlier than he normally would, around 6:30 am, to take a shower, brush his teeth and make some tea, eggs and bacon. Leo would then come in, take two mouthfuls, three gulps and fuck him senseless on the table or the counter. Then, offering him a sweet kiss in thanks and he would head off to work, leaving Raph alone, until his visit in the afternoon or in the early evening, a visit which was inevitably as fast as their mornings.

Raphael felt like a secret mistress, from the pre-Vietnam era, and he hated the feeling. But that morning, when he desperately needed Leo, he wasn’t there, and he hated the situation even more.

The day before, Raph had, for the first time, dared to question the policeman.

That Leo was in a hurry in the mornings, he could understand, but at 5:30 pm, he didn't see the fucking emergency for Leo to leave. Sometimes his lover had appointments for his arm and that Raphael could conceive, but these appointments were not every day. And besides, he didn't understand why, already twice in a week, Leo had refused his offer to accompany him to see his brother, the doctor. Was Leo ashamed of him?

Since the meal at his Ma's the previous week, Raph had wondered about a lot of things. Leo, however, as a good policeman, had managed to evade Raph’s questions as well as Ma's.

Was Leo looking for a romantic relationship? Were he and Leo in a romantic relationship? Who knew? But Raph knew one thing, that to his dismay, his Ma had seen clearly in him. Raph wanted a romantic relationship with Leonardo, the elusive bastard, there was no doubt about it.

With all the butterflies in his stomach whenever he thought of the policeman, he couldn't lie to himself. Never before had he felt the need for someone's presence so strongly. He had never felt his insides twist when thinking of Chame or any other pseudo boyfriend or lover. The problem was that it was impossible to know what the man in question was thinking.

Leo spoke to him tenderly, gently caressed him, and fucked him hard, as they both loved, but still refused to give him more than three or four hours of his day. What was Raph supposed to do for the rest of his shitty day?

He didn’t have dinner to make, Leo not eating in the evenings with him and the housekeeping didn’t take very long, since he was alone almost all day. There was at least the gym, his only outlet, and Raph vented all his frustration in his training, senselessly overdoing it, only stopping pumping iron when he became too tired to even think.

Raph especially wanted to spend the night with the body of his lover coiled up against his, after passionately making love, and to be woken by the soft caresses of Leo’s lips on his chest. Raph thought this was not an excessive demand. He didn't ask Leo to move with him, shit!

Besides, he wondered, why had he never been to Leo's.

The captain of police, having an income greater than double his own, must have a more spacious apartment than his. It was not that always being in his apartment bothered him, but he didn't go out often and wanted to learn more about his lover, see where he lived.

So, the day before, after six days spent wondering, Raph had had enough and he wanted to overcome the walls Leonardo was putting between them.

It was the evening of Halloween and although it was not an important event for adult men without children, like them, he wanted to do something special with his lover, even if it was as simple as giving candy to costumed kids. So, he had refused the afternoon sex and finally given him an ultimatum.

"Why I would give ya what ya want, when ya give me nuttin?” Raph had demanded to know. “I'm fucking tired of seeing ya leave. I dunno where or why you go. You leave me alone all evening, moping in front of my phone, waiting for a text messages from the great Leonardo? You empty your balls and then you go. And I'm fed up! I'm sick of yer shit! Stay this night or screw yersef."

And to his great distress, Leo had given him a sorry smile and gone away. Leo had just turned his back as if Raph was worth no more than some dirt under his shoes.

Leo had left and hadn't given any sign of his existence for the rest of the evening.

Raph, having ransacked his own apartment, had sat down and then smoked his pipe for nearly two hours, in order to calm down. But his silent phone kept reminding him that Leo existed somewhere in the city, and that he was ignoring him deliberately. The thought made him suffer, physically, like a tumor.

He had then recalled the bag of cocaine, bought the week before, and without thinking twice, had snorted the powder.

Feeling better about twenty minutes later, Raphael had gone out to Dusty's. He was so high, drinking and buying drinks for his friends. It had been 2 am by the time he had gone home, completely wasted and so down.

The next day, he had risen despite everything, in case Leo would come. Raph had a medical appointment that day to see if he could go back to work. He had thought of asking Leo to accompany him, because it was important to him, and he would have loved to have his so-called ‘friend’ with him. For this the damn cocksucker should have been there.

Anyway, who needed that fucker? Not him.

The medical appointment didn't go well. Was it because of his reddened eyes, his hoarse voice or the fact that he arrived late? He didn’t think it was a big deal, just 25 minutes late, hoping until the last second that Leo would pop up. But he had come to realize that no, Leo wasn't coming, and so had made a detour for a new dose of white lady on his way to the appointment.  
  
So, Raphael's return to work had been postponed, with his medical leave extended by another four weeks. Raph had been so frustrated that, leaving his apartment, he had text Leo, accusing him of being responsible.

_'U, scumbag, u upset me and pissed me off so much that they just extended my fucking medical leave.’_

Leo had answered, only two minutes later:

_'Honey, I'm deeply sorry. Do you want me to come over? If you forgive me, we can even eat together tonight.’_

This would be the first time in a week they would dine together and, also, the first time Leo had given him a nickname. Raph’s resentment melted like snow under the sun and he replied with a casual _‘why not’_ , when relief with the power of a tsunami left him trembling.

Leo had come, they had ordered from the Chinese restaurant and Leo had made love to him twice, with incredible passion. He had said nothing important to explain his behavior, only that he was sorry and that he had missed Raph.

The fireman had hated himself for the butterflies he felt at the mere assertion of his lover, when it was only words, and the actions of the policeman seemed to contradict them, in everything except for the sexual aspects.

Regardless, Raph had forgiven him, not wanting Leo to leave him alone again. He had once again felt the loneliness, the feeling of having his heart crushed, abandoned, a thousand times worse than when Chame had been deported. Chame hadn't chosen to leave Raph, as Leo had chosen to forget him. And Raph loved Leo a thousand times more, even if the asshole didn't treat him well like a real boyfriend would.  
  
Cupid was such a bitch!  
  
Raphael promised himself that he would never give Leo an opportunity to leave him again, until he became as much in love as himself. He would control his damn temper and be more independent. Enough of pathetic Raph. He would find something to fill the pain of loneliness.  
  
Yeah, he would be as patient as an angel, holding back his feelings and not be too confrontational with Leo, he promised to himself, taking his pipe from under the couch. He would slowly conquer Leo by breaking down his barriers. And then he would return, proud and truly happy, for a dinner at his Ma's, with his awesome and official, really his, boyfriend.

\-----  
  
The smell welcomed Leo before he reached Raph's door; so typical. Raphael was smoking again.

Leo's visits to the firefighter had increased during the last two weeks, since Raphael’s failed medical appointment, and his subsequent return. However, he had to admit that Raph had been high almost every time, and lately, even all the time.

Raph was usually smoking his pot when Leo arrived. He would also light his pipe as soon as Leo left; before that even, when he had failed to keep Leo for the night, or even long enough to have time to eat a meal or see a movie, as real lovers would.

Raphael's broken and unhappy look, every time he stretched out his arm to take his pipe as Leo headed for the door, would crush Leo's soul. And yet, he refused to accept a correlation between his own behavior and Raph's smoking habit. It must be because of the Towers. Raph was having a hard time forgetting and getting over it. It had to be that.

Maybe Raph didn't know that the pot bothered him. Perhaps Raph didn't realize he was smoking that much. He had to move forward, he had to forget the Towers, in some way other than by getting high, in order to convince his boss to let him come back to work.

Maybe if Leo could gently explain his concern for Raph’s well-being, Raph would understand and smoke only occasionally, as it seemed he had done before the tragedy of September 11th.

Determined, Leo opened the door, not surprised by the view in front of him. Raph was slumped on his couch, his pipe between his fingers, as he drew a puff, his eyes half closed.  
  
"Finally, you decided to show up ..." Raph declared idly.

But Leo knew that this nonchalance was only a lure, only more convincing because of the drug. Raphael was truly irritated. And stoned. It was easy to guess by his reddened eyes, his vacant expression and his clumsy elocution, not to mention the smoky air of the apartment.

It was only 5:15 pm, but Leo could see it wasn't Raph's first smoke of the day. He had to fill the gap between asking to see him and Leo's response, and then between the time he had promised to arrive, 4 pm, and the current moment. That made for a lot of buds lit in the pipe. Leo also eyed the bottle on the table, whose contents had fallen drastically since the last time he had been there.

Leo began to fear for Raph's income, in addition to his health. He had to make him understand that it was not a healthy way to cope with the trauma.

Yes, Raph was stoned, again, but most of all, he was irritated; an angry flash pierced through his glazed eyes, in the direction of his supposed lover. Irritated, hurt and even furious; and, the worst of all was that he had reason to be.

Leo hoped he could avoid confrontation, that his lover would be too happy to see him and be able to touch him, to linger on something else. He should have foreseen that that was impossible, and prepared for the avalanche of rancor, questions, complaints and insults.

Raphael, even as fucking high as he seemed to be at the moment, was not so easy to distract from his gloomy and angered thoughts.

Raph was infuriated by the fact that he had to insist so much, that Leo comes see him, as if it was a chore. He hated that he would always receive his answer more than three hours later, with a half-baked excuse to explain the delay. And Raph was also upset, that Leo had arrived so late, later than he had promised and knowing that, doubtlessly, Leo would leave early, very early, as usual, and to probably once more refuse to stay with his lover for the night.  
  
Leo opened his mouth, but Raph cut off the justification; he didn't want to hear, for he had heard too much. He stood up hastily for a man drenched by marijuana and forced his tongue into Leo's mouth, causing him to taste his breath spiced by weed. His need to breathe, after a long moment, made Leo break the kiss more harshly than he had intended.

Raph's wandering hands, which had already started to unbuckle his belt, ceased, his amber eyes, blurry and uncertain, seeking an answer, asking a question.

Leo stepped back, but remained within reach.  
  
"You know, Raph, maybe you should slow down,” Leo said, speaking softly and compassionately, but with seriousness. He wanted Raph to understand, without offending him, that he was worried by his addiction. “Smoking that much weed is not good for you. I know the attacks are hard to forget. They are for me too," he explained, sadly referring to his mechanical arm and brushing his forehead, as if to show that this day haunted his memory for eternity. "But you have to find another way to get through it."  
  
"Oh yeah? To get through?" Raphael retorted aggressively, taking one step back, after shoving Leo away from him, then pacing like a wild animal in a cage. "What do you want me to do to get through my shitty days? What do you want me to do with this fucking medical leave, in between the few visits you give me, huh? Whenever you feel in a mood for a good fuck!" he yelled, barely containing his tremors of rage and despair.  
  
So that was it, as Leo suspected, despite his attempts to hush that voice inside of him that shouted that he was a hypocrite and selfish bastard and that all this was going to end badly.  
  
Yes, no beating around the bush anymore. The real issue was there, the real reason behind Raph’s urge to appease his suffering by smoking drugs. It was not about the terrorist attacks, it was about Leo himself. He already knew it, inside his heart, even though he was trying to lie to himself, pretending Raph was fine with their ‘relationship’.

Raph was not fine and Leo could not claim to be surprised.

More and more, the taller man had showed him as the days passed, that he wanted more than a few hours a week. He wanted more than just time under the sheets with him, with sweet kisses and hard fucking, before Leo would turn his back and leave before midnight, like some damn Cinderella.

Leo would have liked that too, to stay all night long, waking up encircled by Raph’s muscular arms and his scent of burnt cinnamon, but he couldn't do that. But it was leaving his lover desolated and confused.

Raph hadn’t cornered him, confronted him directly, or given him an ultimatum, yet, not since the last incident weeks ago, but he was growing impatient. His cool behavior was finally cracking,  and he was showing more and more clear distress in the lasts few days.

  
The first times when Leo had refused to stay longer, three weeks ago, had not provoked too much of a reaction from Raph, who wanted to prove that he was independent or cool. Except for on the day of Halloween. Leo had suspected they might eventually get there, but, like a fool, he had hoped that it wouldn't happen so fast.  
  
It wasn't the first time Raphael, forgetting his cool guy attitude, had verbally complained that he wasn't getting to see Leo as often as he wanted to, or that Leo wouldn't stay long enough; despite Leo's attempts to evade the subject. Like the last ten or so times, Leo could only sigh and pray that Raph would be satisfied with his lame excuses.  
  
The policeman could not give him the legitimate reason, convinced that the other male would be furious or upset, if he'd knew. Raph couldn't learn that, two miles away, another person had legitimate claim over Leo. He would be so upset and Leo didn't want to hurt Raph. Raphael was, like him, deeply traumatized by the attacks, he was already crumbling, and this would be too much to handle for him  
  
Just like him, Raphael had seen the fragility of a human life. He couldn't hurt Raph, but he couldn't give him what he was asking for either; his daily presence. So, he would use work as an alibi, and the more time would pass, the less would Raphael believed it. Leo was caught or, if he wasn't yet, he obviously would be very soon.  
  
The fact that Raph, on the other hand, had yet to return to work, didn't help the fireman. Raph was a man of action. Alone, idle, apparently abandoned by his so-called lover, he had all the time in the world to dwell on the void of his life.  
  
Leo had to accept the fact that it wasn't 9/11, as atrocious as it had been with the pieces of corpses, that pushed Raphael to drown the present in drugs. No. The real problem in Raph's life was Leo and his commitment to their relationship.  
  
Raphael, maybe out of uncertainty for how it would be received, or out of pride, had never told him that he loved him. Actually, he would use similar expression sometimes, but nothing as dangerously simple as "I love you". Leo wouldn't say it either, so as not to complicate matters unnecessarily. If they didn't say anything, Leo could claim that Raph's feelings weren't that strong, and therefore, that he was fine.

But he could no longer hide from the reality. Raph was really upset, because he had actually fallen in love with him, sincerely and fiercely. And Leo had to admit that he, too, loved the black man too. Deeply.

But how to convince him he really cared, when, every night, Leo would refuse to stay with him until morning, in spite of Raphael's attempts to seduce him? How could Leo persuade him when, more often than he would have liked, he had left Raph's messages unanswered?  
  
Raphael had the right to question it, to mope, to curse Leo in his bed, alone, at night and promise to never have sex with him again, that jerk. Leo didn't want his lover to think he wasn't important, or that he was only using him in a sexual way. He loved Raph, even if it was wrong, prohibited, immoral and irrational. He really did. As much as he loved his wife.  
  
But how could he explain that?

Neither Raph nor Hazel seemed to be the kind of person to accept sharing him and, well, Leo couldn't tell them off for that. His wife and lover had to live in different worlds, for both of their sakes. Both would be much too hurt if they'd knew Leo was cheating on them, stroking their hair with as much love and kissing each of them with the same passion.

Even if it was bad and egotistical, Leo didn't want to leave either of them. Each of them brought him well-being and comfort, in their drastically different ways. He needed this. The love of both of them. He could not bring himself to renounce his lover, so strong and passionate, just as he refused to divorce Hazel, who was such a good wife!

Leo was filled and still greedy, he knew it, while the man before him had only him, and for so little time each week. He couldn't always say ‘no’ to Raph, seek compensations or substitutes for his absence and his obvious lies. It was unfair.

So, if the marijuana brought him a tiny piece of peace, Leo couldn't tell him off, when he, himself slept in fresh washed sheets, the delicate body of his wife coiled up against his own, after making love to her, while Raph had nothing.

And marijuana was not such a big deal.

He knew Donnie had smoked pot in college and he had remained a genius despite that. Colleagues smoked weed at the police station, though neither he nor Karai, nor their superiors. But what did he really know? He told himself the pot could have do good for Karai, who was far too stressed, like himself. No, Leo, unable to offer himself, as he wished to, could leave the pipe for his lover. Marijuana was commonplace. At least it wasn’t a hard drug, like cocaine.

Leo made a gesture of surrender, with his mechanical arm, but Raph interrupted again, abruptly.  
  
"Don't even try to make me believe this bullshit; yer not coming back from work. Ya not even wearing your uniform, ya fucking bastard!"  
  
Not satisfied yet, he took a last puff before speaking again.  
  
"Yer losing your touch, Captain,” he said, anger lacing his voice as he sat down. “Yer damn lies and excuses are no longer credible. Work harder on yer cover! Maybe I smoke too much, but I'm not as dumb as ya seem to think than I am!"  
  
With his heart tight in his chest, Leo could only agree with his lover. He actually was a fucking bastard. He had been about to tell another lie about a last-minute meeting with Karai, not being able to tell he him that had actually gone home to support Hazel, who was nervous because of a presentation she had to do at the museum. Well, she was also nervous because she was ovulating, but he'd rather not mention, even think, about that, because it made him feel even more an incredible jerk.

He had made love to Hazel with tenderness in their bedroom, while Raph lost himself in drugs, waiting for him, waiting for Leo to make love to him, too.

While self-hatred made him sick, and his lover looked at him with sad rage, a thought flourished into Leo's mind.

His rush to join Hazel was also due to the fact that she was leaving for a four-day convention in Washington. Four days when he could satisfy and appease his lover, dwelling with him, making love to him over and over, until Raph would no longer be suffering. Finally, he could give Raph what his aching soul wanted, intimacy, time with the one whom he undoubtedly wanted to see as his boyfriend, despite the fact that Leo didn't deserve that title at all.

Leo chased away his dark thoughts and decided to look on the bright side. He had the possibility to please his lover, to put a smile on his full, sulky lips that he loved so much.  
  
He kissed him suddenly, on impulse, almost violently. Raph always succeeded in causing him to experience such strong emotions that he would lose control. In fact, he could not control anything when it came to Raphael.  
  
"I'm so sorry for today, Raph, but I'm going to make up for it tomorrow. I can't stay tonight, but after that I won't leave this apartment until Tuesday, unless you throw me out," he promised, his voice hoarse, after the kiss.  
  
He saw the doubt still expressed on the face of his lover; Raph had already been disappointed, hurt, and cheated on too much. It wasn't what he needed as comfort. It wasn't enough to soothe him and heal his wounds.

"Don't be sad, my sweet treasure,” Leo continued, in his impulsive desire to heal the fireman’s bleeding heart. “I love you, so much," he told him, while caressing his jaw tenderly.

He barely had time to see Raph's features contorting with strong emotions, and softening. The other man's lips crashed against his in a fierce kiss.  
  
"I love you too, you impossible jerk," Raph murmured with passion and conviction, delighted to hear the words he wanted, and to finally be able to answer them with words that had been burning his lips for more than two weeks.

Raph was not the kind of guys who liked to hold back anything, even less his feelings. The last barrier had been broken down, the flood of Raph's passion free to express itself now, threatening to swallow the rest of the reason from the police captain.

Leo swallowed his saliva, listening to the confession he had himself provoked. They were now in the open, what his conscience had wished to avoid from the beginning. He went deeper into adultery, the situation becoming more and more dangerous, risky and could no longer end without damage. Now, it was sinking in that his feelings weren’t the only ones involved, Raph's were too.

What had he been thinking, engaging in an affair? It was insane! It was written in the sky, that his pretty normal life, was gonna go down in flames!  
  
A second kiss, as passionate as the first, left Leo breathless, emptying his head of his thoughts. Raph directed him toward the bedroom, murmuring sweet things to his ear, as lascivious as they were naughty. Maybe the present high would worth the future pain. Maybe everything would be ok if he was careful enough.  
  
After penetrating the warm, silky flesh, which firmly enclosed him, which he had become more addicting to him than the pipe for Raph, Leo had forgotten all the concerns and cares of the world.  
  



	10. The promotion

Leo had arrived the next day, Friday, at 8:30 am, even earlier than he had agreed to with his black lover. 

Hazel had offered to take a taxi to the airport and he had jumped at the opportunity. The moment the taxi was out of sight, he had taken a suitcase and filled it with enough clothes for four days, but no pajamas. He knew that his lover's body would keep him warm. He brought his uniform, so as not to have to come back on Monday morning, hoping Raph would have an iron.

Hazel’s return flight was to land on Tuesday night at 10 pm. 

He intended to spend every possible minute with Raph. He had an appointment in the afternoon with Donnie today and he still didn't know what to do about it. Raph had asked him, at least six times, to go with him to the doctor’s, claiming that Usagi had had the right to do so.

It was also another issue.

Although Raph had never seen Leo's friend, he was extremely jealous of him, for inadvertently Leo had spoken of Usagi, who had helped him with a plumbing problem at his house. Usagi had privileges that Raph didn't have, like going to Leonardo's and accompanying him to the doctor and the fireman had complained a lot about that. Raph had even believed that Leo had always had a love affair with Usagi and convincing him otherwise had been very arduous. 

The policeman had no choice: either he had to bring Raph home, where there were framed photographs of his marriage to Hazel everywhere, her many vintage dresses, and her collection of porcelain cats, not to mention the yellow baby room; or take him to Donatello's.

The choice was easy. Donnie, in any case, didn't care much about his brother's friendships.

Raph was already awake when he arrived, and upon seeing his suitcase, realized his lover was going to stay as promised. Excited, Raph pushed him onto the couch, pulled open his pants and sucked his cock enthusiastically, licking and kissing his balls and entrance, fingering him and teasing his prostate until Leo fell apart and he swallowed his bitter cum greedily. 

They made love then, but with Raph as the top dog, which happened rarely, only when Raph felt particularly happy. Leo didn't mind the shift, if Raph was glad, he was too.

Then they took breakfast in bed, as Raphael had been dreaming of doing for three weeks straight. They took their shower together, made love again and Leo announced that it was time for his appointment with Donatello. When he learned that he could accompany him, Raph had an expression of intense contentment. 

Leo’s heart nevertheless tightened in the face of this need for validation from his lover. Unfortunately, he had to lay down conditions to restrict his black lover's public affections. If not, Raph would wreck everything.

Donnie didn't care what Leo did, as long as he was healthy, alive and happy. But, how much would Donnie mind his own business? He was a genius and it would take less than a very passionate man, as the fireman was, to awaken his suspicion.

He offered to take his car and, subtly, prepared the fireman for his trickery. 

"You're going to go with me to Donnie’s, since it sounds so important to you, but you're likely going to be bored. My brother takes his job very seriously and sometimes it takes two hours if something bugs him. I thought you could take my car and go to the sex shop that’s less than ten minutes from Donnie’s. Get us some kinky surprises for the weekend.”

Leo had hoped his suggestion would be enticing enough to convince Raph and so, keep him away from Donnie's office for at least forty minutes, but the firefighter frowned.

"Usagi stays with ya during the whole appointment, right? I can be as patient as yer best bud," he snarled. "We'll go after the appointment. We do both annoying and exciting things together, like real couples do," he declared firmly, before shutting himself up abruptly.

It was a slip of the tongue, made in the passion of the moment, but it was this kind of slip of the tongue that could ruin everything at Don's office. Raph, once he fully realized what he had said, glanced sideways at Leo and he wondered if it was the fireman's tongue that had slip or whether Raph had been waiting for an opportunity to say something like this for days. 

The black man was waiting for a confirmation and Leo sighed.

"You win, we'll go together, but don’t complain if you're bored."

"I won't," Raph replied eagerly, smiling as a child to whom his father had just offered the biggest ice cream, dipped in chocolate and covered with sweets, at Dairy Queen. 

"I love you, sweetheart, so, so much," Leo whispered. It wasn't the wisest thing to say in this situation and Raph's raw passion didn't need gasoline, but he couldn't help it. Raph was so real, so pure and honest. The policeman really loved him.

Leo kissed his lover fiercely, at the red light, just before Don's.

At the last minute, before going down to the appointment, in order to avoid Raph asking too many questions, Leo warned him to remain decent and not to display anything but friendship. The face of his lover writhed out of anger. 

"Da fuck? Ya said ya loved me and sucked my face just two damn minutes ago? What’s the damn problem with yer bro? I wasn't ashamed to make out with ya in front of my Ma!"

Leo had no choice. The only way out was to lie. 

"Donnie doesn't know I'm... bisexual. I don't want to tell him so brutally."

Raph frowned. "And yer buddy Usagi, then, ya fucked him for more than a year. How did yer brother, supposedly so damn smart, not guess it?"

"He was too caught up in his medical studies," said Leo, knowing that Don was so aware of his relationship with Usagi, that he had given him a textbook on the healthy practice of sodomy.

Raphael remained silent for a moment. "Was that the only reason for yer refusal, before?" 

Leo nodded.

"Okay then... but ya have to start preparing him. Ma caught me to making out, on my bed, with a high school friend and you saw her, she's fine with it. Yer brother will be no different. And yer dad? He knows?" 

Leo refused to drag his honorable father into his lies and deceits. "Let's go down, Donnie is a very busy man, I don't want to keep him waiting. Be simple, don't overdo it. I'm a new friend, only that," Leo explained, one last time.

"I want a big reward for this," muttered the fireman, sulky. He wanted, so badly, to show off their love in front of the doctor. He knew it was childish, but he thought that if Leo's family knew and accepted their relationship, the policeman would give more of himself to their relationship.   
  
Donnie just opened the door and Raph saw that the doctor immediately recognized him, and he didn't seem very happy to see him there. Leo's brother had acted with a professional coolness in the hospital, but now Raphael was no longer his patient but a friend of his brother, Donatello seemed to have identified him as a trouble. 

At the hospital, Raph had believed the man’s haughty attitude was due to exhaustion and a great anxiety for Leo and his arm, but here, while Leo made slightly embarrassed introductions, he couldn't deny it. His presence displeased to the doctor and not just a little.

Raph shrugged his shoulders. He didn't care whether Leo's brother liked him or not. It didn't make things any easier, but if Donatello was a douchebag, its wasn't Raph fault, nor Leo’s.

He decided, because his lover was nervous, to make things easier and not to talk at all. He watched the sports news and played a card game on his phone and there, he got a text message from Casey. 

His brother reproached him for avoiding their Ma for three weeks, and not having given her any news. He invited him to dinner at his and April’s apartment, either alone or with his "friend". April wanted to know if he would be there or not, right away, so she could do some errands at the grocery store.Their Ma would not be there, but Casey asked him to call the poor woman, and Raph made a loud sigh despite himself.

Leo turned his blue-gray eyes toward him. 

"What the matter, Raph? I warned you that it would be boring."

Donnie wasn't looking, concerned about the connectors in Leo’s arm.

"It's not that. My brother invited me to his place tonight, and he wants me to call Ma, because of the last time, ya know?"

The doctor didn't seem to care about their conversation, but Leo gave him a worried look. Raph couldn't resist pushing his luck. After all, this didn't imply anything beyond friendship.

"My bro's girlfriend wants to know how many people will be there," he said. 

Leo glared at him, not misunderstanding the meaning of the question, and thinking that Donnie, under his professional behavior, had to understand it as well. Leo wanted to shrug his shoulders, but Don held him back with a "tsss" of disapproval.

"I don't know, Raph, but you can go out to make your phone call. Donnie need silence to focus.”

Hurt, as it seemed the doctor got some satisfaction at seeing him thrown out of his office by Leo, Raph left. He understood that Leo, having such an asshole as a brother, wanted to go slowly with him, but Raph didn't have to pay for it, damn it!   
  
Pissed off, outside the doctor's house with no way to let off steam, he called Casey directly. 

His brother inviting him had reopened a wound. His relationship with Leo wasn't any more official than it had been three weeks ago, when they’d had dinner at his Ma’s, and he was sick of playing the ‘he's just a friend’ act with him. It gave him the air of being a dumbass, given his deep love for the policeman was more than apparent, particularly for his family.

"I’ve had enough damn dinners for a lifetime,” Raph said aggressively, when his brother answered the call, not even bothering to say hello.“Leave me alone. Shit!"

_“Relax, man_ ", Casey said, getting angry himself, " _I thought it would just be nice to meet your new boyfriend. Ma said he's a good man for you._ " 

The honest explanation upset Raph deeply. He knew as well that Leo was a good man for him. Damn, is was obvious to all. Only the motherfucker, Leonardo, seemed unaware of this fact. Or maybe the policeman wasn't convinced that he, Raphael, was a good man for him, as he increasingly feared, with his lover evading all his attempts.

And Leo was not yet officially his boyfriend, no matter what Casey and his Ma thought, despite the fact that Raph sucked the captain off every day. He had let slip a word on them as ‘a couple’ earlier, but that sneaky son of a bitch, Leonardo, had yet managed to dodge the matter, too smoothly to raise issues, as always.   
  
Raph couldn't explain it to his brother without looking like a fool. He sighed. 

"Case, I just want to stay in private for a while. Maybe later, man."

" _What do you mean ‘for a while’? No one ever sees you, now!_ " Casey's anxiety was obvious " _One of our common friends, and I’m not telling you_ who, _told me he saw you completely fucked up at Dusty's, two_ week _ago. He was worried. I'm worried. Ma says that your friend is a good guy, but if you're going to isolate yourself and get geeked, I’d prefer you single, bro."_   
  
Raphael struggled with the temptation to hang up. Casey had good intentions and most of all, he didn't want him to tell their Ma about the episode of Raph getting coked up. She would be worried too and she might blame Leonardo for it all. His Ma was still blaming Chame for his marijuana pipe, four years later. 

Raph wished that, in case his relationship with Leo should become official like he hoped, his family would keep a good opinion of the captain.

"Listen, Case... Leo is a man who works a lot, and you know he lost an arm during the attack. I'm at the doctor's office with him right now, and I don't have much time alone with him. I want to spend alone, have some intimate moments, ya know…"   
  
Casey said nothing for a moment and then, posed the worst possible question for Raphael at the moment. 

" _Does he make you happy?_ "

It was a damn fucking complicated question. Leo made him happy like nobody could, when he was with him, but depressed as hell, when he left. But Leo was going to spend the whole weekend with him and he had introduced Raph to his brother, the asshole in the lab coat.

"I love him," he whispered. This wasn't an answer to the question, but Raph had no other to give.

The man on the phone gave a long sigh.  
  
“ _Well... you’re almost 29 years old, man, so I won't tell you what I think. I guess you know what you're doing. When you're ready to see other_ people, _call me,_ ” Casey replied, before hanging up, leaving Raph tormented. 

He knew that his brother would not tattle on him to their Ma, but he knew Casey wouldn’t drop the case either.

With his brother’s comment, he suddenly remembered that Thanksgiving and his birthday were approaching. Raph had never made much of his birthday, but Ma, yes, and they always celebrated it on Thanksgiving, in the same week as the day he was born. If Raph didn't go of his own free will, to eat the fucking turkey and the damn mashed potatoes, Ma or Casey, or both, would literally pull him out of his apartment by his braids, to her home.   
  
And not long after that, it would be Christmas. 

It had been so long since he’d had someone to share the holiday season with. This time, maybe, he could have someone with him again, to buy presents for and cuddle in the cold. But all of this was Leo’s call and looking at how things stood at present, he could not guess positively on the future.

He nervously passed his hand through his tight braids. 

He had no reason to worry. Christmas was far away; Thanksgiving too. And the weekend ahead would be fantastic. Leo had spoken of going to the sex shop, and he was finally going to go to sleep and wake up with his lover in his arms; after this kinky bastard made him scream with pleasure all night long, using their new sex toys.

He decided to return to Leo and, at the same time, plant the seed. Leo and he had never spoke about  birthdays or holidays. He was unsure of when Leo's birthday was but he knew if he presented himself without Leonardo next Thursday, he would have to answer a lot of questions, and Leo would be discredited forever. That couldn't happen. He couldn't bear it.   
  
The stress took him by the throat. He needed courage. The situation was bad; Raphael was afraid Leo would refuse, without giving a reason, as usual; or that he would insist too much and Leo would turn his back, without a glance behind him, like last time on Halloween.   
  
Besides, Leo was with his damn brother, with whom Raph had to pretend to be just a friend of Leo’s, which obviously he had far more trouble doing, than the captain himself. 

Acting indifferent, as though they were just friends, seemed very easy for the policeman. Natural. Was he just a friend to Leonardo? Did Leo have other friends of the same kind? Other friends to whom he whispered sweet words of love and that he would fuck ruthlessly after?

What about that fucker, Usagi? Leo said he was only a friend to him, but why would he trust Leo?

The jealousy, the insecurity, the anxiety to ask for something simple like for him to come to his birthday, to Thanksgiving, and fear of even being told no, made Raphael crumble. 

He walked into the doctor's office and immediately headed to the bathroom next to the exam room.

He hadn't taken cocaine for two weeks, well not much, really. A line sometimes in the afternoon, when Leo didn't answer his text messages, but not too often, and sometime in the evening, when Leo left him to his empty bed and he was unable to cope with loneliness. He always kept a bag on him now, in case the emptiness would consume him while he was out somewhere; it was like a parachute.

He lined up two lines with his credit card, pulled out his little metal straw from the pocket of his jacket and snorted them one after the other. Then he looked at himself for a moment in the mirror, over the sink, until he was sure the drug was going to do its thing quickly enough for him to face his lover. 

A part of his mind knew that to get jacked up in front of a policeman and a doctor was not prudent. But Raphael was way too stressed to give a damn about caution.

He finally left the bathroom, after making sure his nose had no trace of cocaine, and before he went into the room, he could hear the doctor talking. 

"Leo, I know you. I've never seen you so tired in my life. You’re working less than fifteen hours a week at the station, and I wonder if even that’s too much! Insurance even pays maintenance service for your backyard! You don't have to mow the lawn or pick up the leaves! Do you still wake up at dawn for your fucking jog, or your crazy meditation! You can do that at any other time of the day! You harass me to let you work full time again, but I wouldn't allow it under these conditions."

Raph's heart contracted. How could Leo, who left him to go to work and came to see him again only after he was done with work, be doing less than 15 hours a week? 

He clenched his fists. He knew it from the beginning. Leo was lying to him. A lot.

Suddenly, the idea of being able to bring Leo to his birthday, as a real boyfriend, seemed unfeasible. Leo pretended to love him, but that wasn't true. If he had so much free time, Leo would spend it with him.

Raphael had never been an emotional addict. Affectionate, passionate and fierce, but never that kind of love junkie. And of course, it had to be for a man so temperate in his affection! Leo was expressive with his cock. His cock loved Raphael, truly, but for the rest of him, the asshole lied with his every breath.

Leo's brother seemed concerned and mumbled an "I’ll come back,” before he came out the door and passed by Raphael. The doctor gave him a look more meaningful than a ‘No Trespassing, Private Land,’ sign, but Raph didn't give a damn.   
  
The blue almond-shaped eyes settled on him and Leo gave him one of those sad, enigmatic smiles that Raph was seriously beginning to hate. 

"Hey Raph, what did your brother want?" Leo asked gently.

How could a being with such a sweet voice, be a motherfucker liar?

"I already told ya, a dinner," he answered harshly.

"Oh, are we going?” Leo asked. “I was looking forward to seeing your Ma again."

Raph, destabilized by the answer, forgot his rancor and rage for a moment.

“Ya want to go there?" the fireman asked in amazement. 

"It's our first weekend together and I want to do whatever you please, my love," Leonardo replied seriously.

"I've already refused. I want to be with ya, only ya. I want all yer attention, for once." 

Raph tried to control his anger. Leo had spoken of their first weekend, as though they would have another one. Leo would have accepted dinner, and so he might come to Thanksgiving. Leo had called him ‘my love’.

No, he wouldn't allow himself to be coaxed again.   
  
Leo smiled. "I may not give you all the time you want, but when I'm with you, you have all my attention."   
  
Raph couldn't deny that, even if it was only the attention of Leo's cock he had, but he was still pissed off about the fifteen hours the man was apparently working. The black man opted for an indirect confrontation. This wasn't the best place or time to do it, but he couldn't wait, anger boiling his coked-up blood.   
  
“So, you too. Ya got yer medical leave extended?" Raph asked, with an angry smile.   
  
Leo sighed. "No, I'm going to work full time in two weeks. I have already started working more, four full days. I have another doctor for that. Long story, I'll explain later. If Donnie knows, he'll be furious," Leo said, lowering his voice.   
  
Raphael said nothing for a few seconds, then he snapped. “I want a fucking good explanation, because at the moment it seems like I wait all day long for a jerk who only works a dozen hours a week.”   
  
Leo promised, but was interrupted by indignant oaths. Donatello had returned and his anger was impressive to see. Seeing the doctor rushing over to his brother, with the evident intention of shaking him or striking him, Raphael instinctively placed himself between them. 

"You dirty little hypocrite. I knew, I knew it," the doctor shouted from behind Raphael, trying to push past the muscular black man. "You went back to see one of those incompetents to get the papers to go back to work! I don't care if you're going to be named the new deputy inspector of the precinct in December. You're not ready! You can hardly stand up! But you can lie in your coffin with your uniform and your new badge. I'm done with you!" Donnie yelled, throwing his arms in the air. "Now get out of my office and go fuck up your life. I don't give a shit about you anymore."

Raph wanted to intervene, finding the words unnecessarily harsh. He was once again ready to defend Leo, against all. His lover hadn't lied to him. With his work, his new promotion, his appointments with two different doctors, his lover would have been busy. His heart was filled with pride, although it was not the moment for it. His boyfriend would be a deputy inspector, in charge of the precinct. So, what about the crazy bitch? He didn't ask the question, feeling like he was on cloud nine, thinking what Ma would say, knowing his lover was so high-ranked.   
  
But Leo held him back and without a word, got up to leave. Raphael followed him, delighted, not angry or suspicious anymore, glad to no longer be in the oppressive office with the dirty rat in the lab coat, who Leo called his brother; and so excited to spend a weekend alone with his lover to celebrate his promotion.   
  
As soon as they were sat in the car, Raph kissed him passionately, while they were still in front of Donnie's. Leo slowly broke the kiss. 

"What's going on with you? You looked mad just five minutes ago, why change?"

"Stop complaining, dumbass and drive us to the 7-eleven," Raph replied, eagerly.   
  
Leo, in a hurry not to be visible from Donnie's windows, turned the ignition key. 

"Why?” he asked, curious about the reason for going to a convenience store.

"We'll park behind it and I'll give ya the blow-job of your life," Raphael explained, much too excited for Leo’s understanding.

"Are you crazy? That can wait until we get home, right? It is very tempting, but we are in the open, during the daytime. What's got into you?" Leo frowned, despite starting to be turned on. Hazel never gave him fellatio and he begun to be addicted it being given by his generous lover.   
  
"Yer going to have a promotion. That's the reason ya were so busy. Not because ya didn't care about me. I’ll never doubt ya again, babe. I'm so excited. My awesome boyfriend will be deputy inspector," he exclaimed, far too excited to watch Leo's expression at the title of ‘boyfriend’.   
  
Raph’s joy was so beautiful to see, more breathtaking than a sunrise. Raph couldn't have known that Leo had applied to the post in an attempt not to go to his lover anymore. He had blamed his free time for his inability to resist the temptation to see the black man. He had seen a doctor, affiliated with the police station, and learned at the same time that Karai became an inspector in the neighboring precinct. He had been offered the position for his 13 years of service and courage, but Leo knew it was a compensation for his arm. 

Leo had thought that if he was busy, he wouldn't think of deceiving Hazel with the fireman anymore. But he had been wrong and Leo used the promotion to explain his delays in getting home to Hazel, and the fact that he was leaving earlier the morning. That in two weeks he wouldn’t have Karai around him, to breathe down his neck, was a consolation, but the surplus of responsibilities and juggling his double life, exhausted him.

Donnie was right. He must look like shit. He was a piece of shit, anyway. His remorse, his cheating, his complicated schemes to elaborate alibis and excuses for the two loves of his life, seeking to coax them both, slowly killed him, kept him awake at night.

But being a witness of the radiating happiness of his lover's golden pupils, he forgot, wanting to focus on the present moment. 

"Are you a gold digger?" he joked with a sad smile.

He didn't want to have noticed Raph calling him his awesome boyfriend. Leo was far from awesome, but Raph had the right to think that he was his boyfriend and he wasn't going to take away his illusions, not yet, when he wanted to offer him a romantic and sexy weekend.

"Shut-up and drive faster, ya moron. I love ya and I'm proud of ya, that's all. I don't give a damn about yer money, babe. You can lose all yer limbs and yer cash, and I would love yer dork face anyway. But, in case, watch ya don't lose yer cock." Raphael laughed and  Leo looked away.   
  
Leo didn't deserve this pure love. A deeper and deeper love every day, while he was just more of a jerk. Raph deserved so much better. His love was a raw diamond. Leo's was nothing but filth, treachery and lies.   
  
Leo, arrived, parked and looked at his lover, smile on his lips and tears almost to his eyes. But Raph was too far out of his mind to paying attention. 

"Look casual baby, if ya don't wanna be the deputy inspector with an arrest for indecent behavior," Raph suggested, in a hoarse voice, leaning toward the driver's lap.


	11. The claim

Leo and Raph had a wonderful weekend. There were no dangerous questions asked.

After the sex shop, where Raph asked Leo to buy handcuffs, they returned to the house. There, the next Deputy Inspector played his role as a policeman, arresting Raph, the delinquent pot-head, handcuffing him and fucking him with no mercy at all, in an abuse of privilege. And then Raph played the part of the prisoner, who attacks the man in charge of watching him, by simulating a vengeful rape.

Neither had the heart to go out and so they ordered a simple pizza. Leo was enthusiastic about it, saying that he _‘hadn’t been able to eat it for more than five years’._ That had attracted Raphael's attention.

"Why not?" he had asked.

Leo had spoken of a fragile liver. Raph had clearly seen the bullshit in the answer, but they were having such a good time that he hadn't dared to question him.

Leo, for his part, had questioned Raph when he, at about 9:00 pm, had lit his pipe.

"Why? I’m here?"

Raph had laughed and called Leo a ‘self-important shit’, claiming the police officer had nothing to do with his cannabis use. Leo had doubted that for a moment but told himself that perhaps he had indeed made dramatic scenarios for nothing.

Raph had offered him the pipe and Leo had refused it, again. Raph had pointed out that his lover had promised to do whatever he pleased and insisted he only wanted to make their first night together special. Leo had then smoked, choked, coughed and Raph had laughed. Then, Raph had proposed that they order a porn movie and had even offered a bisexual one, for Leo, since he also liked girls. Raph had smirked as if he doubted the possibility that Leonardo could be attracted to women too. Leo didn't deny anything.

Slightly stoned, Leo had watched the movie, while Raph was busy worshiping every part of his body, imagining a threesome between him, Raph and Hazel, imagining their two hot mouths, instead of only Raph’s, on his cock. His orgasm had been violent and he held Raph's head, pulling him down for a deep throat, causing him to choke and cough, as a payback for the weed pipe.  
  
His fantasy was impossible, he was aware of that. Hazel was fairly prudish and Raph probably far too possessive for that. He had to find a solution, but he knew already the only possible one, knowing full well that he couldn't keep this up eternally.

This weekend, he would offer everything to his lover and would do his best for him, until Raph would return to work next month. Then, a few weeks after that, when the fireman would be better, he would tell him the truth. Raph had been there for him and he would be there for Raph.

This evening, with the smoking, watching pornographic movies and making erotic scenarios as foreplay, was a crazy and wonderful parenthesis in his life, but unfortunately ephemeral. However, he loved Raph too much to waste his time. His black lover had good qualities to offer to someone more deserving.

He realized that Raph was asleep, coiled on top of him on the couch. He kissed his head and closed his eyes, falling asleep with him.

The next morning Leo had awoken with a greedy tongue between his thighs and he said to himself for the hundredth time since he slept with Raph that sex, for pleasure and love, was wonderful. Whether his sperm was fertile or not made no difference to Raph. The fireman swallowed it greedily, his golden eyes filled with contentment like those of a cat after a bowl of creamy milk.  
  
After a day of sex, kisses, sweet words and caresses, without questions and thus, without lies, Raph had wanted to play pool at Dusty's. In fact, he wanted to see Casey, but in a less formal place than at home, with his brother’s girlfriend. He had invited him and Casey had accepted the offer with eagerness.

Casey hadn’t hidden his astonishment in the face of Leo. Obviously, he hadn't imagined that the man his brother was so madly in love could be so atypical from his usual kind of lovers.

Chame had been a sexy Latino badass. All Raph's past boyfriends and sex-buddies had been sexy criminals of the same age as him, and Latino or black. Raph was, in his few relationships, the most reliable of the couple. Chame and the others all had problems with addiction and Casey Jones didn't remember seeing one of them not intoxicated.

So, seeing a white man in his mid-thirties, sober, classical and affable, with hair perfectly combed and without glass of whiskey in hand, was a kind of big surprise for the eldest Jones brother  
  
Raphael knew that the dark-gray shirt, buttoned up to the collar, was not the kind thing usually worn in this place, but Leo only had the same type of church clothes in his suitcase. Raph wondered again how Leo, this insatiable sex animal, could wear that, but then he thought it was better that way. No one would try to flirt with Leo at Dusty's. He did not want to lose his marbles in front of Leo, by throwing a jealousy tantrum.   
  
As soon as Leo slipped away to go to the bathroom, followed by the black man's loving gaze, Casey leaned in to whisper to his brother.

"You're in deep, baby bro."

Raphael shrugged. "Dunno what ya talkin’ about, man."

"You said it yourself yesterday, you love him," Casey said, indignantly.  
  
"Yeah, it's true, no need to fuss about it. All people here love someone, without making it a big deal," Raph replied, flushed.   
  
"Yeah, but you do. I dunno why, cuz he’s not the same kind of guy you’d go for before, but, you do. And, him, too. He loves you. I confess that I’m relieved. I don't think he is as comfortable as you, in his sexuality, but he seems a good, serious, and loving man," Casey said with conviction, despite his third beer.   
  
To say that Raph was delighted to hear that praise from his brother, was an understatement. However, he didn't have time to question his brother about any of this as Leo returned, his blue-steel eyes looking at him with genuine adoration. Raph, at that moment, felt like the king of the world.   
  
The evening went fine. Leo and Casey, although very different, got on well. Raph paid for a drink for both his lover and his brother, to celebrate Leo’s promotion. Casey was quite impressed by him and Raph was exulting. He wanted his family to love Leo and to approve of his choice. It had never been important to him in the past, but he wanted everyone to see Leo with the same eyes as him. Leonardo deserved it.   
  
Raph was on his fourth beer, after his glass of whiskey, and was ordering a fifth, when Leo put a hand on him.

"That's enough," he said gently, but seriously.

Raph was not so much of the same opinion, but he didn't want to upset Leo and he had to admit that he didn't need alcohol tonight to believe he was happy.

"My boyfriend says I've drunk enough," he said, canceling his order.

A man at the pool table, with whom Raph had fucked around when he was drunk a few months ago, turned and laughed.

"Since when did you listen to your boyfriends, Raphie? I remember, your like a bitch in bed but not a submissive bitch up at the bar, and even less so for such a non-manly amputee," he hissed, clearly jealous.

It had to be the alcohol, but it wasn’t Raph that took the swing to punch the insolent bonehead, knocking the jealous guy onto his back. Leo had throw a powerful hook, very fast and, moreover, with his artificial arm.  
  
Leo didn't wait for Dusty to throw them out. Perhaps the old woman wouldn't have done it, since obviously, this bastard had insulted Raph and Leo publicly. With great strides, Leo walked away, without a glance behind him.

Raphael stood for a moment, stunned. Everything had happened so quickly, too much for his brain, which had been slowed down by alcohol, but when he saw that his lover had passed through the door, Raph came out of his bewilderment and went running after him.

"Leo! Wait!"  
  
Leo was already in front of the car and holding his arm strangely. He turned briefly, with a blank expression.

"You have to drive, I must have broken my prosthesis by striking this ... man," Leo pronounced his words reluctantly.

"Are ya in pain?" Raph hastened to ask him, worried about his boyfriend’s arm.

Leo sighed. "Kind of ..." But the policeman remembered that Raphael was drunk and couldn't drive and so decided he would have to do it himself anyway.

In the car, Raphael wondered a lot, oppressed by the silence of his lover.

Raoul, the son of a bitch, had insulted him in front of his boyfriend, and had likewise insulted Leonardo. Raph suspected that a great man such as Leo couldn't have heard many insults in his life, other than at work, from criminals under arrest. He was too honorable for that. But what made Raph most angry was that he hadn’t even been able to save their honor, his lover having done it in his place.

He was bubbling with impotent rage and shame. Leo had to think that Raphael was, in fact, a bitch, unworthy of him, to not even punch an insulting asshole.

Maybe Leo, realizing this, would dump him.  
  
The silence continued all the way to the apartment, where Leo took a seat on the couch, his face darkened by sadness.

"I'm so sorry, babe," Raph burst out, under pressure.

Leo looked at him, astonished. "Why? It's my fault. Because of my stupid temper, I struck this man and made a scandal in this place you like."

Raph stared, stunned by this unexpected answer. "Don't be, it's okay to hit a person who insults ya."

Leo sighed, pulling his arm away and calmly explaining. "I didn't hit him because he insulted me. He said I was amputated, and it's true, somehow. It won’t be the last time someone would tell me that."

"So ya struck him because he insulted me?" Raphael cautiously asked.  
  
"Yes... but not only for that. It's because… obviously ... you had sex with him," Leo replied, ashamed.   
  
Raphael, amazed, stood for a moment without answering and asked, incredulous, "Are ya jealous?"   
  
Leo hid his face in his hands. "Yeah, but I have no right to be. I wish you were only mine, but I can't demand that from you.”   
  
"Why not, I am yers! With that guy, it was only a fast fuck, meaningless and it was back in July. Before I meet ya. I am yers now. Heart and body." Raphael's voice was rising with his temper. Why Leo was so down about this was beyond him.   
  
Leo stood silent and shook his head.

"No, I can't stand the idea of sharing you and it's not good. I can't demand your exclusivity, it's too egoistic on my part. Perhaps we should... maybe we should only be friends, so, I will be less jealous, maybe," he concluded, looking miserable.

Raph was devastated. Leo, as he feared, seemed to want to break-up, but it was not at all for the reason he had imagined. It was so stupid, so foolish, that he got angry.

"That makes no sense at all. Shit!" he snapped back. "Ya want to leave me, over a one-night fuck from four months ago! Ya can't dump me because of this guy! Because one night, drunk, I fucked him because he was flirting with me for weeks! I don't think ya remained an absolute virgin in the months before we met, right? So, why are ya making such a big deal of it?" he yelled.

“No, that's not what I'm saying. It’s only that I’ve realized I’m too attached to you and far too possessive. I can't share you. But I can't ask you..." Leo nervously passed his right hand through his short black hair, not even finishing his sentence.

It was the last straw.

"What the hell are ya talking about?” Raph burst out in confused anger, his voice strained with feeling as he yelled. “Ya don't have to share! We're boyfriends, now, right? It is serious! I would never fuck with anyone again. Ya don't have to ask anything of me! I want to be yers! I don't mind if yer possessive. I give ya the right to be possessive. Be possessive as ya like, it doesn't matter! I love ya and yer the only one I want! I give ya the exclusivity of my own free will! Ya don't even have to ask me anything. Shit!"  
  
To his great confusion, Leo did not seem reassured by his outburst of anger and out of nowhere, his scathing question fell.

"Could you share me?"

The steel-blue eyes looked at him seriously, and Raph was struck by the brutality of the question. He believed that Leo, feeling guilty of being jealous, wanted to convince him of the rationality of his feeling.

"Ya know me, Leo, I was so jealous of yer friend Usagi that I could have skinned him like a rabbit. I can share with a dildo, or with the of so demanding mistress that is your job, but I can't bear the idea that another hand caresses ya either. I am yers, but yer mine too. This is part of the game,” he explained with honesty.

"Let's sleep, it's late". Leo muttered, troubled.  
  
"No, not before you admit that what ya just said is a bunch of nonsense bullshit,” Raph insisted. “I'm not going to lie on my back, like everything’s fine, and let ya fuck me, when ya think of such bullshit about us!”   
  
"Don't worry, I'm not planning on making love to you," Leo explain firmly, his eyes darkened with determination.   
  
Dumbfounded, Raph forgot his anger. Leo always wanted sex. Never had he had so eager a partner. If Leo no longer wanted it, it was the beginning of the end.

"What? Why?" he inquired anxiously.

"I don't deserve you. That's all. Please, I don't want to talk about that anymore,” Leo stuttered, sounding almost desperate.  
  
Raph could only stare at Leo's downcast eyes, his brain refusing to work and tell him what this meant. Then, sudden panic gripped Raph. Leo had to be making up all this bullshit to hide the real reason for his desire to break-up. Leonardo was disgusted with him.

Raoul was a shabby scumbag, and with what Leo had heard about Chame, he must think all Raph’s lovers were. Leo wasn't wrong. All, compared to the policeman, were just pieces of shit. But Raph wasn't a whore that slept with everyone. Before Leo, he must have had three or four sexual relations since January. As far as Raph was concerned, it was the closest he could get to absolute chastity. He had to make his lover understand.

"Babe, I swear,it's not what ya think. I don't give myself so easily and I don't plan to do it with anyone other than you." He ran a hand up Leo's arm, tracing patterns along the skin and Leo seemed to lean into the touch. "Please, take back what's yers and never talk about what happened tonight," he pleaded, leaning his head on Leo's shoulder as he continued to stroke the policeman's skin lightly. Cautiously, he took Leo’s good hand, putting it on his crotch, to make him feel how deeply desired he was.

Leo's resolve crumbled under Raph's gentle assault and when the black man spotted that spark of indecision in those chips of steel-blue, he moved forward.

"I wanna belong to ya. Claim me now as yer possession, yer territory. Mark me in a way that everyone will know that I’m off the market."

The intensity of Leo’s burning gaze was ardent. The policeman’s hesitation was brief and Raph, relieved, saw voracity and lust replace chaste determination in the blue eyes. Raph had played it right. He knew he had flared up the blood of the possessive man that Leo was.

"Ok, then, if you’re asking for it," Leonardo spoke, his voice deep and raw. "I will claim you as my own. No safe word."

“No safe word,” Raph repeated, nodding.

With an impressive growl, Leo shoved the firefighter backward onto the couch and snatched at his clothes, removing them. Then the future deputy inspector climbed atop him in a swift move.  
  
Leo was so out of his mind that, contrary to his habit, he didn't get up to shut the curtains before sex; it was ridiculous habit anyway, one that Raph was often openly laughing at. Leo barely prepared him, covering his dick with only a bit of the lube that had been sitting on the coffee table. He sank to the hilt with one shove, each of Raph’s black legs on his shoulders.

"So, you say you are mine?" Leo asked in a hoarse voice, and then he savagely bit the soft skin of Raph's inner calf.

The sensation sent a jolt of pleasure thrumming straight up his spine and streaked Raphael's vision with stars. Raphael had never been so sexually turned on. Raph had always been into rough sex, but since his encounter with Leo, at the World Trade Center, his kink for violence and pain had been amplified. This craving for over-sensation, almost flirting with death, was it a kind of need to feel alive, because he has seen the dreadful face of the grim reaper from too close when Leo was choking him? He was too in deep, to bother his mind with such questions. The important fact was that it was thrilling and Leo seemed to share his opinion.

He liked hard sex even more when Leo arrogated to himself a right of ownership. If he wanted Raph, it was because the black man was important to him. He knew that he was important to his Ma, and Casey. Maybe he had been to Chame. But he never craved the attention of someone else before. Maybe it was a side effect of his abandonment as a child, but he did not give a damn.

"I'm yers," he panted. "Take me. Claim me. I'm yers!"

A groan of pure lust was ripped from Leo and his willpower was lost to his desires after hearing such words of adoration from his lover. He thrusted violently in him, biting him hard in every place he could reach, shoving his cock roughly and ramming his tongue into Raph’s mouth.

"You are mine," the policeman murmured lasciviously, his voice almost unrecognizable, being so strained with lust. "All this belongs to me. No one else will ever touch you." He punctuated each statement with a bite.

A shiver of pleasure ran down Raphael's spine at Leo’s words. It was what he craved and had never had.

Sex with Leo had almost always been rough, from an external point of view. But for the two lovers it had been nothing but pleasure and passion. But, never in his life, had the black man felt such a sensory overload like this.

It was euphoria. It was much better than a high on coke.

The only almost coherent thought he had while his partner, panting, thrusted into him like there was no tomorrow, was that Leo was a much more addictive drug. A drug which the possibility of a cold turkey from was frightening.

The sound of smacking skin was growing louder with the heavy panting from Leo, and Raph roared string of incoherent words mixed with cries of ecstasy and came undone much more quickly and more strongly than ever. His orgasm was almost painful, watched greedily by the hypnotic blue stare above his.

Leo followed shortly after, biting him so hard that he remembered the bite he’d had from a Doberman when he was a kid. At the time, he had struggled not to cry in front of his friends, but this time he was thrilled.

Leo collapsed on Raph.

"I love you, Raphael Jones," the policeman said, his voice cracking, though whether under high emotion or fatigue Raph was not quite sure.  Leo pressed his cheek against Raph's, while the firefighter combed Leo's short hair with trembling fingers.

"I love ya even more. I am yers now. Ya don't have to worry about having this exclusivity thing. You have it, babe."

The honesty of Raphael's face was hard to bear for the policeman, so Leo nuzzled in the hollow of his neck, but didn't answer that.

"Come to bed, "he requested gently. "Tomorrow will be a tough day. I need to see Donnie again to sort my arm. He's going to kill me. He loves this prosthesis more than his firstborn son and he must still be angry that I went to see another doctor."

Raph was in a warm and comfortable afterglow. He didn't want to think about the doctor now.

"Okay," he agreed, "let's sleep. But I want watch a movie with you first. I love to cuddle with ya in front of the television and fall asleep in your arms. It’s even better than any lullabies that I probably never had," he said, not meaning to sound pitiful at all. He only wanted to show how good Leo was making him feel.

Leonardo gave him a sad smile and agreed.

\---

  
The next day they awoke, their limbs intertwined.

Raph, got up first, to make breakfast, leaving Leo to make an appointment with his brother, the rat in the lab coat, by phone. He felt a little worried for his lover and hoped Donatello would not argue with Leo. Otherwise, to the hell with the consequences, he would punch the doctor straight in the jaw.

After the shower and breakfast, Leo refused to let Raph accompany him to his appointment. The fireman argued that without his left arm, it was safer to let him drive. As a last resort, Raphael hid Leo's keys and wallet. Leonardo called him a kid, and cursed him a lot, but he couldn't afford to push Donnie’s patience, given he was already angry, by arriving late. So, the policeman agreed to Raph accompanying him.

Leo told himself Raphael had behaved well the last time and that this time it would be okay again.

The doctor greeted them without a word, with a cold air. He lost his indifferent facade when he saw the condition of the prosthesis.

"Leo! How did you manage to do this damage?” Furious, but with cold anger, the doctor folded his arms. "I demand to know what happened, as a doctor and designer of this prosthesis"

Leo sighed, it was not going to go well. “I hit a man in a bar."

Donnie looked incredulous.

"You, Mr. Self-Control, who spends an hour each day meditating to have a good chi, you were in a bar and you hit a man?" Donnie's glance went quickly to the silent black man and turned back to Leo, suspicious. "That's not like you. Tell me why!"  
  
Calmly, Leo explained that the man had insulted him. The doctor's eyes expressed clearly that he didn't believe his brother at all.

"I call it bullshit, Leo, it's not in your temper to hit a man, no matter what he says about you. I know you too well. Tell me what happened or I won't fix your arm," the doctor stated.

This blackmail was too much for Raphael to handle.

"Yar right,” he Raph finally burst out. “Leo hit him because he insulted me, not him. There, ya have yer truth, Doc. Fix this arm or I'll break yer nose, no matter if ya wear glasses and yar Leo's brother."

The dark and polar eyes stared at Raph with an indefinable expression, and then, with contempt, he turned away from Raphael, refusing to acknowledge his presence.

"Leo, our father wants you to call him. And next week we have to go and see him for Thanksgiving weekend, remember?" Donnie explained. "He hasn't seen you since the beginning of September. You don't call him as you use to do… before."

Donnie's ‘before’ sounded almost threatening, and Leo shuddered.

"Go to my office and call him now,” Donnie instructed. “I have to take a moment to examine the damage."

Leo made a gesture towards Raph, but Donatello snapped harshly, “Your friend can stay here, I won’t dissect him. I need him to explain the angle and the velocity of your punch.”

Raph saw anxiety shimmer in the blue eyes. He didn't understand why, but this Thanksgiving story worried him too. If Leo went to his father's house, he couldn't come to Ma's for his birthday. At least his lover would have a good reason not to. Raph wondered if he, on the other hand, could accompany Leo to his father's. He could always ask Ma to postpone his birthday. But he dreaded the refusal of his lover.  
  
Leo, with great reluctance, walked away. It was true that he had neglected his father a lot and that he could legitimately question himself if Leo and ... Hazel would spend the weekend at home.

He looked one last time at his brother, leaning over the artificial arm, an expression of intense concentration on his features. Donnie didn't care about Leo's love stories. He could leave the two men together while he made a five-minute phone call to his father. Nothing serious was going to happen. It was just paranoia. But if he resisted, Don and Raph would both have suspicions.

Donnie waited a moment, working on the prosthesis and Raph, looking bored, watched him, too caught in his train of thought. Then, Don spoke, casually.

“Our father is very fond of this family meal. We visit him so rarely, Leo and me being too busy. And he loves Hazel. She is a very attentive daughter-in-law," he explained with emphasis.

Raphael, uninterested, remained silent. The doctor seemed surprised by the silence and asked, "You know Hazel?"

Raph shrugged. Leo's brother tried to be polite, he would try too.

"I dunno ... your girlfriend?" he guessed.

The air of doubt on Donnie's features disappeared and a triumph replaced it, as if he had solved a very difficult problem.  
  
He shook his head. "No, I don't have time to have a girlfriend,” he replied with a sarcastic smile, “but Leo obviously has enough free time to satisfy both a lover and a wife. What a stallion!"   
  
Raph's expression remained vacant. "Come again," he asked, certain he could not understand. Not wanting to understand. It would be unbearable.   
  
"Hazel is Leo's wife." Donatello explained.

Raph's heart began to pound furiously.

"You mean his ex-wife?," he asked, clinging to this tiny hope.

Donnie's smile seemed, to him, evil.

"His current wife. The one with whom he has been married for five years. For now, she's in Washington until Tuesday, so he has more time to fuck your ass. But Leonardo loves Hazel and she loves him so much as well, so don't even think about him leaving her for you. She is a respectable, devoted and loyal wife. A beautiful and elegant woman. A much better match for him than you. Leo has gone through a lot of stress lately, so I forgive him for his cheating. You're only a short-lived fantasy. I know him, he will recover his senses quickly and leave you in the dust," he whispered, with hatred.

It seemed to Raph that he was choking and he felt his heart explode. The room was spinning and he did not even know if he wanted to take a grip.

"Don't take it too badly. Enjoy your time with him. It's better that you know the truth now, so you can prepare yourself and don't become too attached to him. Your sex story must be interrupted before it becomes a love story. I'm sorry," Don finished, in an indifferent voice.

Raph didn't have time to tell him that it was too late for that, or to even strike the doctor, who had just crushed the bubble of his dreams so brutally in his face.

Leo, the motherfucker bastard, was coming back from the office.


	12. The shipwreck

It was not Raph's habit to remain silent for so long, let alone to keep his hands to himself. It was almost their last night together and the firefighter, who was very physical, should have been enjoying it. But on the contrary, Raph had kept his hands in his pockets when Leo returned from the office at Donnie's and it was certainly not to conceal an hard-on. 

Don made the final adjustments and Leo could feel the coldness that reigned in the room freezing him to the bone, setting his nerves on edge.

Leo was wondering if his brother had been unpleasant with the fireman. Again.

Leo didn't understand the doctor’s antipathy toward the black man. Why was Don insisting on making such a big deal out of Leo's ‘friendship’ with the fireman? His brother wasn't supposed to know the kind of friendship they had came with ‘benefits’. 

Yes, if Donnie did know that, he might be angry or upset. After all, he had put a lot of effort into helping Leo and Hazel to procreate and he had been the one to introduce them to each other, after Leo’s break-up with Usagi. But Donnie didn't know... He couldn't know that he and Raph were lovers. And if he had a suspicion, he would keep it silent, just like Leo pretended not to see the theft of scientific equipment in Don's lab.

But, for a moment, seeing that both of the genius' eyes seemed to dodge him, Leo was afraid, very afraid that Don would speak. Then he decided he was being paranoid. No. Donnie would never meddle with his personal life, if it wasn't a matter of physical health. 

The policeman tried to think of another reason why Raph might seem so cold. Donnie have been harsh or rude. It wasn't in his nature to be kind and friendly, since their mother’s death. Leo would have to explain it to his lover later.

They had left and Leo noticed Raphael tensed when he wrapped his arms around Raph's waist, as they were both getting on the motorcycle. Doubt was no longer permitted. Raph was angry at him and since Leo did nothing wrong, or well, nothing his lover was aware of, it could only mean one thing: Donnie had, perhaps involuntarily, revealed something to Raph.   
  
Raphael knew or, at least he was very suspicious that Leo was a liar, a deceiver, and an unfaithful asshole.   
  
Feeling the stiff body in front of him, Leo realized that his relationship with Raph had just taken a new turn, toward the dead-end. If Raph wasn't already aware of everything, Leo would tell him the truth, anyway. Raphael deserved to know that he had given his body and heart to an ungrateful jerk.    
  
Leo could feel his anxiety growing, for he knew that whatever was going to happen would be rough, tough, and violent. 

He soon found himself in front of the building that hosted their clandestine love. And seeing how Raph roughly dismounted, throwing down Betty's kickstand with not the same care he would have usually, Leo braced himself, thinking that knowing Raph, the scene would be as short as would be brutal.

They were about to break up. Raph would yell at him that he never wanted to see his damn bastard face again and it would be over with his lover. He would never caress his young and muscular, ebony body again.

Anyway, the situation, after that Hazel would return from Washington, would have been unbearable. 

Raph wouldn't have understood why Leo suddenly wouldn't want to spend the night with him, after they had such passionate nights, after all the cuddles, and after the sweet kisses at breakfast. Raph would have been doubly unhappy. This was for the best. Although it would break his heart, this break-up with his lover would turn out to be a blessing for Raphael, for Hazel and for himself, despite his deep love for the fireman.

Raphael took his helmet off and took the one Leo uncertainly handed to him, without speaking or looking at him, slowly heading for the building.   
  
Raph was waiting, and Leo didn't know why, because the firefighter wasn't patient nor was he the kind to hold back, for the intimacy of his apartment to call Leo a motherfucking full-of-shit player, to give him a hook square in the jaw, before telling him to take out his fucking things and kicking him out of his house.   
  
Not knowing what to do, not daring to break the heavy silence, the policeman followed him inside, his heart pounding. Hesitantly, Raph put the key in the lock and entered without turning back. He went straight to the closet and took out his bottle of bourbon. He poured himself a full glass, downed it and still without looking at Leo.    
"Is it true?” he asked in a neutral but trembling voice. “Yer a married man?"   
  
This was it. Don, by purpose or not, it didn't matter, had said something and revealed his secret.   
  
It was the decisive moment. Leo could no longer hide. He lowered his head and dropped a soft, "yes".   
  
He had no need to raising his head, for he could imagine very well the mixture of pain and anger Raphael's features must express. The glass in the man's hands crashed on the wall, accompanied by a loud, "Shit!"   
  
Instinctively, and because he couldn't bear to be such a coward, especially in a situation he had himself provoked, Leo faced Raphael, ready to accept his anger at having been betrayed. Taking a defensive posture, the policeman was astonished to be faced with a defeated Raph, who had slid into the closest chair.   
  
"So… ya don't really love me?" he asked slowly. 

Leo's heart broke at the sight of this spectacle and assertion. He walked the steps separating him from the broken man on the chair, hugging him without a second thought.

"Of course I love you, Raph. Deeply. And I care for you so much… I'm sorry… I never lied about my feelings, I swear, honey. I only omitted... the reasons why I can't stay with you at night,” he explained, with a soft kiss on his lover's head.   
  
Raphael remained silent for two long minutes, which Leo felt were agonizing. He didn't understand how Raph hadn't insulted him or thrown him out yet. This expectation, this delay of the ineluctable, was unbearable. He wanted to get over it quickly, to put an end to this painful situation for both of them. 

Leo knew Raph wasn't the type to say the fact that Leo was married didn't matter and he wouldn't agree to continue to be fucked in the shadows by a dirty liar like him. Raph was fiercely possessive. So, he didn't even cling to that hope. Raphael, once he realized his situation fully, would just punch him.

But Raph simply spoke, lifting his misty eyes and thickly grasping his hands, and it was more breathtaking than a direct blow to the stomach:   
  
"So, if ya love me, yer gonna leave her, huh? Yer gonna divorce her?" he asked eagerly, waiting for his answer with so much hope.   
  
His head was turned toward the captain, who hadn't thought that this option could be a possible scenario in Raph's reactions. Divorce Hazel? He would never do that! Hazel loved him and did nothing wrong. That poor woman didn't deserve it.   
  
A voice told him Raph loved him just as much as Hazel did, and he didn't deserve to be abandoned. 

Leo was caught. In front of him, the stormy amber eyes questioned, begged, and the suffering behind these eyes of pure gold made him sick with self-loathing. He was a jerk, bringing so much pain to a man who had given him only love and himself.

He was the worst scum ever.   
  
"Honey, things are complicated..." he started cautiously.   
  
Raphael jumped up to his wooden box where his damn pipe was. Leo bit his lips. If he left Raph now, God knows what condition Raph's health would be in. The fireman smoked weed as soon as the few-hour absence of his boyfriend became too heavy. What would happen if Leo would turn his back to Raphael definitively?

He didn't want to think about it. He loved Raphael too much to imagine him suffering and trying to forget this pain in even more drugs than he was using now. The attacks in September were not far enough off, each day  it was stillion front page of all New York newspapers.   
  
Raphael started to pack the pipe and lit it up, waiting for his answers, Leo’s promises of undying love, his… lies.   
  
Of course, Leo loved him, but not more and not less than Hazel. Say the truth and that, despite his real love for him, he would not divorce her or, suggest that perhaps he could think about it? Maybe, after a while, Raph would be tired of waiting and he would break with the policeman on his own.   
  
"So…?" Raphael asked after his first puff, his voice full of irritation, but filled with anxiety.   
  
Every second Leo hesitated and wouldn't answer, had to be like a heated spike in the sensitive soul of the fireman. Leo, upset, nervously exclaimed the first thing that came to his mind in accordance with his feelings.   
  
"I love you so much, honey. How could I live without you?" he said, avoiding the real question, hoping that, as usual, the sweet words would be enough to appease his lover, who was always hungry for praises and tenderness. 

But he wanted to slap himself for using such silly words, which would probably just irated his lover even more, and did not express how much Leo regretted not having met Raph first.

"That isn't what I asked ya," said the other man, harshly, refusing to let himself be distracted. "Will ya leave her? Yes or no? Answer. It's not difficult, for a man as clever as ya are, babe." Raph snorted. "If ya love me, as much as ya claim, you’ll divorce her. If not, I'm done with yer shit, and ya fucking disappear of my life." 

Raph took another puff, turned his head back and closed his eyes, as though he was exhausted or disgusted with the situation or the policeman himself. Leo couldn't blame him.

"Ya can't have both, Captain. Ya must make a choice. Hey! It reminds me of that damn ‘Gone with the wind’ movie, yesterday, with the stupid bitch who couldn't decide between two men, right?" Raph exclaimed with sarcasm, raising his head briefly to cast a contentious but pained look at him. 

"Remember when I lovingly stroked yer hair on my lap, just fucking yesterday? Just before I let ya pound me senseless into the mattress again!" he concluded bitterly, closing his eyes again, after drawing a last puff from the pipe. ”Life is a bitch, man! I learned that the hard way. I just remembered it again."

Leo remembered then, Raphael's past life. 

Abandoned from birth, left in an orphanage, adopted in a home without a paternal figure and then, afterwards, his Peruvian boyfriend being deported. And then, the tragedy of last September, where they had met. Raph hadn't lost any limbs, but a friend; and this medical leave pissed off the firefighter, depriving him of his pride and sense of purpose.

And there was no doubt Leo didn't know yet all the dark secrets of his lover's life.

Leo, too, had lived through hard times, with the murder of his mother and the loss of his arm. He also couldn't go into the field, where he felt he was doing a more meaningful job, now condemned to office work, filling out reports. So yes, Leo could understand that Raph's life had been tough and that the news of his marriage took the damn cake.

"I will never leave you, Raph" Leo promised elusively. 

Raphael uttered a groan of derision and stood up. Separating himself from the black-haired man, who had thrown himself on his knees near the couch somewhere during Raph’s ultimatum.

Here it was, the ultimatum he feared he would have to face one day. 

Leo could get up and leave, he could put this briefly lived madness behind him. Raph was far too proud to chase him. It was time to take this open door and he would do it...

Desperate, for leaving wasn't what he wanted to do, but what he had to do, Leo looked sadly to Raphael. 

The fireman was bent over, taking the broom the pieces of glass, sweeping them into a dustpan. Without paying too much attention to it at the time, the captain saw Raph take the biggest glass shard, it was about the size of his thumb. Raph carried the rest the trash, but Leo's trained eyes, used to tracking suspect behaviors, saw him slide the piece of glass in the pocket of his jeans.

Anguish filled him with that small gesture which, he assumed, had a frightful meaning. It couldn't be for anything else. Raph voluntarily kept the piece of glass hidden. He had been quite discreet, enough that another person, one not in the police, wouldn't have noticed it and Raph probably believed the gesture had not been seen by him either. But Leo had seen and understood. 

His lover was going to harm himself. But to what extent? Leo wouldn't wait to find out.

"I'm going to do it," he exclaimed. 

Raph turned quickly toward him, his eyes widened in surprise. Obviously, he thought it was over already, and it probably would have been without that piece of glass, but he couldn't tell him that.

"But you have to leave me a few weeks... I have to prepare her. She doesn't expect this at all, and..." 

He took a pause, searching for an unstoppable excuse, one that would give him more time. He needed more time to think of a solution. Then, breathless, as though he had run the two miles to his home, Leo closed his eyes, not believing what he was going to say.

"We have been trying to have a child for some time now. She started taking hormones a while ago, so... I can't leave her if she's pregnant. You understand that, right?”

"You want kids?"   
  
Leo flushed but held Raph's amber eyes in his deep-blue ones, and licked his suddenly dry lips.   
  
"Yes…I think so…" he replied with caution.   
  
"Fuck!" Raphael cursed with feeling, looking at Leo in shock, but he recovered quite quickly, eager again. "You think so? But it's not necessary to yer happiness, right? If ya don't have biological children with me, will ya be satisfied, despite that?"   
  
Leo frowned. Did Raph imply adoption, with him as father as well by the term ‘biological’? He didn't want to approach this delicate matter. Leo had already enough on his plate. 

"I can't leave her if she is pregnant. You understand?" he repeated.

Raphael nodded seriously, then asked, "When was the last time you fucked her?"   
  
Leo grinded his teeth, not only because he didn't like to hear his conjugal relationship with Hazel being called ‘fuck’, but also because his answer wasn't going to please the fireman. The last time had happened less than three days ago, on the morning of Hazel's departure for her convention. So it had been only a few hours before he had bent Raph over in the shower, fucking his brain out. But it was the truth and it would give him more time.   
  
"Last Friday morning," he replied calmly, despite his heart beating rapidly and his throat tightening.   
  
As expected, his lover's features twisted with rage at his answer, in a frightening way. Raphael cursed the captain with feeling, in a whisper, balling his fists and closely shutting his eyes, surely to diminish the temptation to hit his unfaithful lover. 

Raph hadn't expected, until now, that his treachery extended so far, Leonardo observed, feeling ashamed. Raph had naively believed that Leo had only lied to him and hid his marriage. He hadn't thought that in the last three weeks Leo could be a sneaky enough son of a bitch to make love to both his lover and his wife successively, on the same day.

A heavy silence coated the room, and Raph broke it with a loud sigh. 

"So, how long will it take, huh? Because I suppose now ya won’t touch her anymore?"

Leo was again surprised. Accepting such an awful betrayal, wasn't like his fierce black lover. It was not the same Raph, who had made so much fun of him when they met. Raphael must love him even more than he thought. This didn't make the situation any easier. 

He briefly wondered if Hazel, upon hearing that he was cheating on her, would be as tolerant as Raph but he drowned this thought, having more urgent matters to deal with. He had to give a credible answer to his lover.

"I don't know. I think two months, maybe."

Raphael frowned. He hadn't expected such a long time. But that wasn't what annoyed him the most in Leo's reply. Once again, he didn't let Leo dodge the question. 

"Are ya still going to fuck her?" he snapped.

But Raph didn't give him time to reply, instead, he sneered at his lover, lip snarling up, mocking, unable to restrain his rage and jealousy, throwing his arms up.   
  
"Is it because I don't give ya enough sex? I don't think so! Ya suck my cock with a lot of appetite, for a married man," he pointed out, with accusation, his finger towards Leo, spitting his rancor and sorrow. "Ya suck it like a man in the desert, greedily tasting my cum! Ya swallow it until the last drop, as if it were fresh water! And my ass?" he shouted, increasingly furious and upset at the same time. "Ya love plowing my ass! You've been fucking me every fucking single day for three damn weeks, more than once a day. And then, ya still not filled and go put your dick in yer wife without a second thought? Yer a fucking cheating fag, in a closet, and a piece of shit. That’s what ya are, Captain!" he articulated clearly, each of his words feeling like a hammer against the policeman's conscience.   
  
Leo put his head in his hands. He deserved all the insulting names Raph wanted to throw at him. He was going to wait until Raph was finished with his attacks of justified jealousy, and go home to an empty bed for once.   
  
But Raph was far from done.   
  
"It was what ya meant, huh? When ya told me, ‘Oh I love women too’," Raph sneered, imitating the policeman's voice. "Ya could have told me at that time. ‘Oh no, I'm not a fag like ya are, I bang my wife every fucking night!’ But, no! Ya couldn't tell me that. Ya had to wait for me to fall in love with ya, you motherfucking scumbag!"   
  
Leo didn't say anything, his head shamefully bowed, waiting for the storm to pass. Raph, now seeing how full of shit he was, how much of a bastard, was going to kick his sorry ass out. But he didn't expect the loud sob that shook Raphael from head to toe, his golden eyes filling with tears. 

Never had Leo seen his lover cry, and the view devastated him. Seeing a man so tall, so muscular, so strong, so male and so brave, in tears, shook him.

Between two sobs, Raph continued.   
  
"And your fit of jealousy yesterday? I now understand why ya dared not ask for my exclusivity. You cheated me every night with yer wife, from the beginning! While I was crying in loneliness at night!"   
  
Leo had no words to express his shame, remorse and grief. "Honey... I thought I was just a crutch for you, to get through the events of September. I never meant to hurt you."   
  
"So, that's what I was, a crutch for you?" Raph asked angrily.

Leo shook his head frankly. "No, I swear you're not. I love you. Too much. Deeply and sincerely."   
  
"And her?" Raph wanted to know.   
  
Leo sought a gentle, but true answer. "It's not the same kind of love. With you I have a raw passion. With her... it's a sweet complicity, a pleasant and easy daily relationship and a tender affection," he answered honestly.   
  
"I can give you that," Raph shot back, eyes glowing with intensity. "All this complicity and easy daily relationship. Let me prove myself. Be with me more often than with her, in the next two months. Stay with me at night, even when she comes back. I will show ya," he pleaded.   
  
Leo felt dizzy. 

The events were going too fast and he seemed to be watching a trainwreck, unable to stop it. But in front of the devastated gaze of his beloved lover, he felt even more helpless. Raph was suffering, because of him and it was unbearable. He wanted to bring comfort and tenderness to the fireman. Not the opposite.

"Ya don't want to… Ya don't love me as much as ya love her," Raph accused, taking Leo's silence as a refusal, tears run down his cheeks, his eyes red and puffy. 

It was heartbreaking and Leo, instinctively wanted to appease his lover. No matter the cost. Leo's hands smoothed up and down Raph's wet cheek trying to smooth him.

"Raph, I like being with you, I like it very much…I'm willing to give this a try, seriously. I can't promise you eternity for now. But…" Leo had a slight hesitation, "we can make this… exclusive for me as well, my sweet love. I won’t touch her anymore, in a sexual way."

"Ya only feel bad about me crying, that's all, ya lying son of a bitch. Tuesday, when she returns, ya will forget all of yer damn promises in her bed and ya will fuck her and ya will tell her all the sweet things ya say to me. Ya'll call her ‘my love’ and ‘honey’, stroke her hair and swear that ya belong to her, body, heart and soul, and maybe, if I'm lucky, yar gonna come fuck me two hours later, telling me the same shit," Raph replied, madly upset and overwhelmed by the mental images he was making by himself.   
  
"No," Leo corrected gently, despite being afraid it would turn a kind of true, "because I want you. And if to be with you, I can be with only you, and never have sex with Hazel, again, I'm ok with that."   
  
"Would ya do that for me"? asked Raph, still incredulous.   
  
"Have you ever thought I might be worried about losing you?" He stroked the back of his lover's neck softly.   
  
"No," the fireman replied honestly, "ya didn't seem so preoccupied with my feelings before. But if yer ready to divorce, in two months, if yer wife is not pregnant, if ya don’t touch her by then... Leo, I will be patient and I will wait for ya, babe, because I love ya too damn much to bear losing ya."   
  
"But in exchange, don't be sad anymore, my love. Do we have a deal?" Leo asked gently, wiping the firefighter's tears.   
  
"Yeah, deal", Raph answered with such a confident smile, pure as a third-class child who believes his mother when she tells him everything is going to go well during the Titanic shipwreck.   
  
The promise was sealed with a kiss and Leo made love very tenderly to his partner, very far from the possessive and brutal sex of the day before. He let himself be taken by Raph then, focusing on the well-being he felt in his lover's arms and the rest of the Sunday went like an endless session of make-up sex.   
  
Leo agreed to go out with Raph, in the evening, to a restaurant, which had never happened before. He managed to convince the black man to try sushi and drowned the voice that screamed  _ ‘What did you do?’ _ in his mind all day long, with an entire bottle of Chardonnay.


	13. The blow

On Monday, Leo had left for work, despite Raph’s repeated attempts to make him stay. After their night of love, Raph was anxious, knowing the weekend with the policeman was almost over.

"Take a day off, babe. Stay with me,” Raph had pleaded.

Leo had explained to him that it was impossible. Raphael seemed distressed by his answer, as if he feared that his lover wouldn't come back and disappear from his life if he left his sight.

It was true, if Leo had more will power it might have been possible.

Raph was ignorant to his address and he couldn't believe the fireman would follow him to the police station and chase him down from there. But Leo had the consistency of wax when it came to Raph. He didn't know why the black man had such a grip on his senses and his heart, but that was true.

All night long, with Raph's head resting on his chest, he had wondered if he no longer loved Hazel. The answer was no. He still loved his wife. He loved them both. The situation was impossible. Yet, he had promised Raph he would leave Hazel, that poor innocent woman, who had always been loyal and devoted.

He was such a bastard. Even more, he was a bastard in a mess.

He didn't know what he was going to do. Raphael would wait two months. But if Hazel wasn't pregnant, what would he do then? He couldn't get a divorce, Hazel didn't deserve that. But then Raph would have waited for nothing. Would his lover get tired? Or, after the period of two months, being a lover in the shadow, would it be sufficient for the black man? He had no idea. 

Raphael had been gentle, submissive, and passionate, the previous night, despite his heartache about Leo’s treachery. Hazel was also kind and submissive, in a sense. She loved him deeply, but she wasn't as passionate as Raphael. But Leo said to himself that what he had with Hazel was lasting... Raph was quite unpredictable. Perhaps he would get tired of Leo and find a lover younger and more energetic, and dump him. Then he would have lost Hazel and his pleasant quiet life for nothing.

It was a Russian roulette. But he loved Raph so much…

Raphael seemed so absorbed with him now, that he had felt hesitation in the morning. His lover had demonstrated the seductive capacity of a siren, wishing to divert Ulysses from his journey. But Leo had been firm. He was going to work, up to 5 pm. 

Raph had shut himself up in the bathroom, for a quarter of an hour at least, and came out with red eyes and rubbing his nose. He had been crying and Leo had hated himself. He remained patient, however.

"Honey, you promised me not to be sad anymore."

"I'm not sad, dork... just nervous. I should ask ya something and..." Raphael seemed to struggle with his emotions.   
  
"Speak, my love. Don't be nervous with me… What is it? " Leonardo asked with tenderness. Each time he saw this impressive man, so macho, almost blushing like a virgin, it warmed Leo’s heart.   
  
"Ya know... it's my birthday on Thursday, so I was wondering if…nah…forget it." 

Raphael didn't need to continue. It was a considerable bump in the road. Leo, the day before, on the phone, had promised his father that he would spend the weekend at home in Massachusetts, with Hazel. He thanked Heaven that finally, Raph, aware of his situation, could better understand his heartbreak but obligation to leave. Raphael had promised to be patient and understanding for two months. He wouldn't insist.

On the other hand, he wanted to please his lover. 

Therefore, he had said that he would try, and he had fled, in his cowardice, with these words of consolation. He wanted to appease his boyfriend, for the time he still could. Raph deserved for him to try, and take the risk of disappointing his family, he swore to himself.

He wanted to make his lover's birthday a memorable day. He couldn't be there for the whole day, but he could try to come back early, so he could eat a slice of cake and see a movie with his lover and make love to him gently, or fuck him in the hardcore way they both loved so much, whichever he wished. Raph would be happy with that. The fireman didn't ask for much. And Leo wanted to.

But, alone in his car, without the beloved golden gaze on his anymore, he realized that all this was just an illusion. He loved Raph. Raph loved him. But was it only a repercussion of September 11th, making them vulnerable? What he had with Hazel was more solid. 

Raph, before their affair, had seemed cool, happy, and in control. Leonardo had come and wrecked everything. For Raph's own good, even if it broke the policeman’s heart... he wasn't to come back. Raph would be down for maybe a few weeks, maybe even less, since their relationship was so new.

Raph believed he loved him, because they had survive a traumatic event side-by-side. But, maybe when 9/11 was less present in New-York, and Raph went back to work, the fireman would realize Leo was not a good match for him, and that beside the sex, he doesn’t love him that much.

Was Leo just trying to fabricate an excuse to break-up?

The kiss of his lover had been passionate and desperate. The black man had put all his love there, as if that would be enough to make Leo return to him. No. Leo wouldn't come back. He swore to himself, again, despite feeling torn. For Raph’s own sake.

Maybe he was overthinking it?   
  
He thought of it all day, absent-mindedly. How he could manage to work in the office, as though he was fine, fooling Karai and the others, was surprising.   
  
It was the end of his working day and, despite all his conscience shouting no, he was heading for Raph's apartment. The firefighter had sent him at least five text messages, from ‘ _ How are u? _ ’ to  _ ‘What do u want for dinner?’, _ to  _ ‘I love u so much’, _ and ending up with  _ ‘I'll handcuff myself to bed, naked, waiting for u.‘ _

Leo had stubbornly not responded, mainly because he couldn't make his mind, but there he was, in front the fireman's place. Leo still had twenty-four hours to worship each part of the ebony body and he wanted them both to benefit from the remaining time.

It was not selfish. It was for Raph, too. They both needed it.   
  
Raph looked bad upon his arrival. He seemed high, but there was no cannabis smell in the room and not the same kind of ‘high’ as usual. 

"You came... finally…" Raph exclaimed, euphoric, eyes so bright.

Leonardo silently looked around him. The apartment was in the same condition as it had ten hours earlier and it was still the same Dr.Dre and Snoop Dog song ast when he had left. The blue mug, which Leo had used for his morning tea, was still on the table and the plates from breakfast, too. Raph wore the same gray and red sports pants as that morning and Leo wondered whether Raph would have washed at all, without their morning sex in the shower.

Raphael, usually intuitive, didn't seem to notice his discomfort, too eager to see his boyfriend. He seemed restless but truly happy.

"I didn't prepare the meal. Ya didn't answer... I don't know enough about yer tastes. I wanted roasted chicken, but I wasn't sure... Do ya like roasted chicken? I like roasted chicken, with paprika on it. But not everybody loves paprika. I love spicy things… And ya? Ya must talk more about ya, babe! I love ya so much!”

While he was babbling, quickly and without stopping, with a tic which made him carry his hand under his nose to rub at it, while walking through the kitchen and the living room with a quick step, restlessly, the realization struck Leonardo.

He had been in the police for a long time, and knew how to recognize a person under the influence of drugs. It wasn't a mild drug, definitely not. Raph obviously had spent the day taking hard drugs, probably because of the unanswered text messages.

Several different emotions invaded Leo: remorse, anger, sadness, and anxiety.

The policeman decided to confront his lover, unable to bear the invasion of negative emotions that overwhelmed him.

"You took something, Raphael. What is it? Speed? Ecstasy? Another kind of amphetamine? Cocaine? Speak to me!" he demanded, with an authoritarian voice.

Raph turned aggressive immediately, his eyes blazing.

"I didn't take anything! Yer paranoid! I was just glad to see ya after believed all day you'd abandoned me, despite all yer sweet damn promises!"

Leo couldn't believe it. Yes, he knew Raphael was happy to see him and had to have been anxious all day. But that wasn't all. There was something else. And if Raph was lying to him and if he had taken hard drugs secretly, it was too much.

Their relationship was already too complicated and dangerous. Raph was not reliable or stable and Leo could not trust him. He didn't really know him, he realized. And he had already compromised himself too much. He had to know if all this trouble and stress was worth it, now.

He turned his back to snatch Raphael's leather jacket, without worrying about Raph, who tried to stop him. This attitude alone meant a lot . Raph had something to hide. Quickly, his hand founds the metal straw into the pocket. He had already seen such an object during searches in his first years of service. He knew it’s use.

“Babe, listen… “ Raphael began to explain.   
  
Leo, a disdainful mask on his face, made a harsh gesture to interrupt him.   
  
"I am a deputy inspector of the NYPD and I can't afford a cocaine addict and a liar, as a boyfriend," replied Leo, flatly, throwing the straw in the face of the fireman.

He turned his back quickly, wanting to leave immediately, too shocked. Raph, already on edge, and with sharp reflexes, grabbed him by his artificial arm.

"How dare ya lecture me, when ya were lying to me from the first day?"

"Let me go, Raphael. I don't want to hurt you," Leo told him, his voice firm. Raph was wrong, it was not the same to hide being a married man and hide being a drug addict.   
  
Raph snarled. "Ya hurt me every fucking day. Don't ya dare leave this apartment before ya give me an explanation!"   
  
"There has nothing to explain,” Leo replied coldly. “I'm done with you. For the last time, let me go."   
  
Raphael grabbed him like an octopus, holding on to both his arms and even grabbing a leg with his, his eyes glowing with anger and despair. Raph seemed determined to fight to keep Leo in his apartment, even against his will. But what the fireman didn't know was that despite his superior size and weight, Leo, through his years of ninjutsu practice, could break the hold and even seriously hurt Raph in less than a minute. 

He didn't want to do it, but he had to leave now, too overwhelmed by his sordid discovery. He needed to meditate at home, in silence. With Raph he hadn't been able to follow his routine and he needed calm and order before he went completely crazy.

“I'll ask you one last time, Raphael. Let go of me. There's nothing you can do. You can't bully me into staying. It's over," Leonardo tried to reason, relentless.   
  
Raph, having turned several tones paler as the policeman spoke, finally burst into furious imprecations at the last word.   
  
"Ya fucking bastard, I knew it, I knew it... Ya want to get rid of me and you were looking for an opportunity to do it! I won't just sit back and take it like a little bitch. Shit..."   
  
Raphael took a pause, struggling against emotions and swallowing his tears, but instead of begging and sexually coaxing him, which was the successful method usually employed by the black man, Raph threatened.   
  
"Ya better believe I'm going down fighting. And I'm not stopping until yer change yer mind and yer mine again!" he yelled.   
  
That was it. He had crossed the line.   
  
With a swift move, Leo broke the hold and Raphael found himself on his back. Stunned, the black man wanted to get up, but he was incapable of it. 

"Fucking ninja, what have ya done to me?" he cursed, mad.

"Pressure point… Don't worry, in twenty minutes you'll be able to get up, but I'll be far away." 

Leo, seeing his paralyzed lover’s frightened expression at these words, was no longer angry, only sad.

Raph looked far more afraid to lose him, and being able to find him in the city, than he had been, surrounded by smoke and dismembered bodies, in September. His fierce black lover loved him that much, he realized.

He loved Raph too, but going back on what he had said, would allow Raph to continue.

Anyway, it was better this way, he tried to convince himself. He had accepted his daily use of marijuana, with difficulty, but cocaine takes the cake. Shit, he was a policeman! In ten days, he would be responsible for the precinct. He had already had a love affair. He couldn't add hard drug use to the mix.

Above all, Raph, though he swore to love him and be happy, seemed to regress as their relationship deepened. Leo had to stop being a selfish bastard and break-up, without looking back, for Raph's sake.

"I am sorry for all the horrible and hurtful things I have done to you, and for all the mess I have caused you," Leo struggled to say. "And, without pretending to be able to fix everything, I can at least renounce you definitively. We’re done."   
  
"Fuck ya!" Raphael snapped back. "Ya can't call it quits with me when I'm paralyzed and I can't do nuttin! Ya don't have the right to do that. Ya don't have the right to decide for the two of us. Ya asshole! I swear to ya, it's not ovah!" he roared, his accent thick with raw emotion.   
  
"If I say that it’s finished, it’s finished, even if you say otherwise," replied the black-haired man, firmly. “It’s need only one person to put an end to a relationship, and I say this ends now!" Leo growled through clenched teeth, to make his point, despite his own bleeding heart.   
  
"Fuck ya! You can’t order shit! Yar not done with me, cause I’m sure as fuck not done with ya!" bellowed the black man, face twisting in rage.   
  
Leo gave him a brief blank look, to hide his feelings.   
  
"Take control of your life again. You are no longer the man I knew. Without me, you'll be better," he replied quietly.   
  
"It’s so damn cliché," growled the man on the ground, but despite the pettiness, Leo saw how much devastated Raph really was.    
  
Leo didn't answer, not wanting to see the tears, not wanting to see the distress behind the wall of his lover's fury any closer, nor all the pain he had brought to this so cool and confident man of before. 

He fled, before he could change his mind again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news for the fans of this story! The wonderful and talented Alessandra accepted to collaborate with me for a contest. If you want this story to be illustrated, Alessandra accepted to draw the scene that you want from this story. You can see her price list here and her portfolio. The good news for you is that I will pay the half of your bills for the best ideas for this story! Don't hesitate to write to her about your ideas, even if is not for my stories. She is kind and skilled:
> 
> https://alessandrart.tumblr.com/post/160603475226/revised-commission-pricing-as-of-february-2018


	14. The Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters of Forsaken in one day!!! :) Be sure to have read the previous one.

Leo drove to his house so fast that he only avoided a speeding fine by showing his badge. He wanted to put as much distance as possible between him and Raphael. Just thinking of his black ex-lover filled him with rage and grief. 

How had Raph dared to do such things behind his back? Such dangerous things! So immoral!

He gritted his teeth all the way home. As soon as he arrived in his house, empty and silent, he took a long cold shower, vigorously scrubbing himself, as if to give himself a new skin. It was only in the privacy of his shower that he allowed himself to crack and cry in frustration.

How could Raphael have done that?

Afterward, still furious, he went down to the kitchen. He opened a Tupperware containing the rest of a meal Hazel had prepared for him the previous Wednesday or Thursday, and sniffed it. He threw the contents away, because he hadn't been home over the weekend and his wife would find it strange that he hadn’t eaten anything. Nothing was fresh anymore, anyway. 

He also threw away the lentil salad, and the one with tuna and apples. To further divert suspicions, he also threw away three vanilla yogurts and three whole wheat muffins and went to put the garbage bag in the bin, outside. He would not be caught by something as stupid as a full fridge.

This was the last time he would be clearing evidence anyway. His life as an unfaithful husband was now behind him.

With a sigh, he picked a frozen dinner from the freezer and put it into the microwave. 

After eating the Swedish meatballs, he stood in front of the television without seeing the screen.

Although he refused to think of Raphael, he couldn't help himself. What was the fireman doing? Was he with another lover at this very moment, to forget about Leonardo and their break-up? Of that, he had no doubt: the other male had to be very upset.

Leonardo changed the channel absent-mindedly. He had the impression that the cell phone he'd left on the table wouldn't stop vibrating. The sound hurt his ears and set his nerves on edge. He didn't even look to see if it was Hazel. He doubted it. It must have been Raph.

Leonardo reflected on the black man's threats. 

He knew Raphael was harmless and was only hurt by their break-up, but the fireman had asked for it by taking cocaine; he had buried their love story. Raph knew Leo was going to be an NYPD deputy inspector. He knew this behavior couldn't be accepted by a man like him and yet he did it anyway.

Leonardo grunted in frustration and went to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He took out three sleeping pills and swallowed them, even though it was only 8pm. He lay down in his empty bed and tried not to think.

A voice kept telling him that everything was his fault. 

Before September 11th, but most of all, before they met, Raph seemed to have be fine. Though he didn't know him to the point of knowing all his secrets, Raph seemed to have been in control of his life. Everything seemed to have derailed when Leonardo appeared. Because of Leonardo's lies, his absences and his betrayal, Raph’s life had gone downhill. Yes, Raph had taken hard drugs behind his back, but had Leo betrayed Raphael the same way by making love to Hazel night after night?

That very morning, Raph had begged him to stay. If he had, surely Raph would not have snorted the coke. Maybe Raph didn't feel well this day. Perhaps he had never felt well since Leonardo. Leonardo had known for weeks his lover dreaded his absence. Leo had thought it was just a slight boredom, but maybe it was more than that.

But what was he supposed to do? Staying home without working, like Raph?

He bit his lips. If the fireman was not back at work, that was his fault too. Though if Leo hadn't abandoned him the day of his medical appointment, Raph would have been back at his job already. Everything was his damn fault.

The guilt was consuming him, but Leo said to himself that, despite everything, it was an opportunity to regain control of his life. That was a good thing, right? He had promised Raph he'd leave Hazel and he didn't know how to honor that promise. Raphael was right. He had taken the opportunity to break-up, having no more dangerous promises to respect. 

But the black man, in this adventure, had lost everything.

Leo, affected by the sleeping pills, fell asleep thinking that he was the biggest scumbag in New York.   
  
\---

The next day, Leonardo got up, ready to respect his schedule again.

After his yoga, meditation and jogging, he had been briefly caught off guard by the fact that no one had prepared breakfast. Leonardo was a disaster in the kitchen and could not cook. He took the last muffin, even though it was stale, and a raspberry yogurt, before heading for work. Leo hardly looked at his cell phone. He didn't read the numerous messages and blocked the caller's number.

Anyway, he could not afford Raph calling or texting him when his wife was home.

Several times, Raphael's random calls had almost got them caught already. Of course, that was before Raph had known about Hazel. But, if he had not broken-up with the fireman the day before, would Raphael have acted with discretion and prudence? Or, rather, impatience?, Would he have acted in such a way that his wife would have discovered their secret relationship, to push Leo to divorce?

The painful scene of the day before, when Raphael had strongly threatened him with the struggle to reconquer him, suggested that no, the black man would not have been contented to love him in the shadows for long.

Thank God, Raph knew only this number and not his address. Of course, the firefighter could show up at the police station, less than half a mile from his home, too near for Leo's comfort. 

He remembered one evening, only a few days after they'd first slept together, the fireman had innocently asked him, "How long does it take ya ta get ta work?"

Leo had been evasive. "About ten minutes by car, via the highway."

Raphael had then asked, "Why don't ya spend the evening? I'm four minutes away on foot. Ya could even have lunch here."

It had almost been impossible to get out of the situation without hurting Raphael. So, he had begun to spend half an hour in the mornings with Raph. But he wouldn't this morning. If Raph was determined to see him, it wasn't the distance that would stop him, but the fact that a Police Department was not the best place to start a fight. Even a passionate person like Raphael would have enough sense to realize that. At least, Leonardo hoped so.

After looking cautiously around him, Leo climbed out of his car. There was no motorcycle and no 6'5 black man in sight, but that didn't stop him from almost running to the front door of his work.   
  
At lunchtime, because Hazel hadn't prepared his lunch bag, Leo went to Café K. It took him six minutes on foot and he stayed there for an hour. The café was in the opposite direction of Raphael's place, but he remained on guard, as he walked there. 

While he was having lunch, he received a message from Hazel, informing him that she was already at the airport and that she'd be home seven hours earlier than expected. And, since Leo probably wouldn't have finished working by then, she would take a taxi home.

The policeman was relieved. Since he had slept at home, he had had time to throw away the expired food that hadn't been consumed. Similarly, he didn't have to cancel the dinner with Raph, which would have disappointed the fireman, given he had originally promised to stay with him until 9 pm. 

He made a gesture of exasperation. Why was he still thinking of his ex-lover? This madness was now behind him. With Hazel home, he would think on him less.

His work day was almost over. He had spent the day alone with Karai to ensure the transition went smoothly. Next week, that would be behind him as well. On December 1, he would be at his new post. His superior, although very professional, had always made him feel uncomfortable. 

As his eyes flew towards the clock, noticing that he had only five minutes left, the amber gaze fell upon him.

"Soon, I will not be your superior, Captain. You will be my equal. But we will no longer work in the same building."

Leo kept his face neutral, although he understood the implication. Karai wanted to say her advances could no longer be regarded as an abuse of power and that if Leo agreed, their relationship would be more discreet. Leonardo felt an unpleasant shudder. It was not that the deputy inspector was not a seductive woman, she was, but Karai was certainly not made of the same clay as sweet Hazel.

He had just come out of a dangerous love affair and he wasn't about to fall into a worse one. Karai was going to spit him out after sucking him dry. She was essentially a Black Widow and bad news. ‘Beware!’ seemed to be written all over her.

So, casually, he nodded slightly, putting aside the offer. Karai was far too proud to repeat it twice. Her face hardened. 

"You're dismissed," she said.

The captain bowed and left, as quickly as he could without looking back and without running.

He really counted the days and November 29th would be his last day under Karai's authority. Thursday was Thanksgiving, and then he didn't have to work until the following Monday. He thought briefly about Raphael. 

It would be Raphael's birthday soon. Leonardo imagined Raph with red and puffy eyes, with no one to dine with him at Ma's home and to eat the turkey and his birthday cake. Leo suddenly felt immense sorrow and regret. He realized that accompanying Raphael to his family would have given him even more pleasure than he'd thought. He had really been in love with the fireman. He was still in love with him, but Leo knew he had to forget his feelings, and Raph, for both of their sakes.

When he was inside his car, Leo hesitated for a moment. 

Stopping at Raphael's and checking that he was okay was very tempting, but Leo knew Raphael was his weakness and that if he went to him, he would only leave two hours later at the earliest, after having cum twice. Leo had a terrible urge to talk to and to question him, but he should restrain himself.

Why did the fireman find relief in the cocaine? Yesterday, the policeman hadn't allowed Raph to justify himself. He had treated him as a suspect and even worse, Raph hadn't been allowed to call a lawyer. Leo hadn't given him time to defend himself, because he knew the real answer. Raph was suffering because of him.   
  
Raph wanted a boyfriend, official and invested, with whom to sleep and to share his life. He needed a daily loving and caring presence, who would give meaning to his life. What Raphael wanted was what nearly everyone in their thirties wanted, a life partner. Raph thought he'd found that in Leo. The black man had offered everything he had in exchange, but Leonardo had ended up being a cheater and a liar, instead of his charming prince.   
  
Leo knocked his head on his steering wheel twice, in self-loathing. He wouldn't stop at Raph's. His ex-lover was better off without a horrible bastard like him.

He went straight home.

As soon as Leo opened the front door, Hazel called to him from the kitchen. 

"Hi darling. I just put the pies in the oven. We have forty minutes to make love. I’m still, until tomorrow, at my peak of fertility."

Leo frowned. It wasn't the hasty sex that bothered him, but the reason. Hazel hadn't been longing for him. She wanted the breeder and not the lover. During their sexual intercourse, she would only think of it putting him closer to have his semen deeper in her. She would encourage him to cum, not for pleasure, but to be effective.   
  
A lack of enthusiasm overcame him. He felt as though he had finished his shift at the police department and was beginning his second as a breeding bull. He hated that. He had not lied to Raph. Leo wanted kids, but not at the cost of his love and sex life. The children had to be done out of pleasure and love and not a supplemental factor of stress. 

Donatello had been clear: stress was detrimental to fertility. And Leonardo said to himself that this was perhaps the reason why he seemed sterile. All this work to perform in any aspect of his life to make it all perfect. He had a meaningful job, a good income, a decent house and a pretty wife who cook great meals who perfume their home. His daily life was looking like PleasantVille.

Still, he has been more eager in Raph’s small apartement, with the smell of sex,weed and booze. Because there, there was a content black lover with no greater expectation from life than to have Leo’s cock up his ass.

He went upstairs with his wife and with a sigh, closed the curtains, while, Hazel quickly undressed. She was eager for his sperm, but not for him. 

Raphael was languishing somewhere for him and liked sex with him for the pleasure it brought and he loved Leo for Leo himself. Raphael wanted Leo to cum, so that he could know he'd brought his partner to the climax. For Raph, the important thing was pleasure and making Leo happy.

For Hazel, it was when it was the peak of her ovulation. During the rest of the cycle, they had sex, but twice a week, except during menstruation. Leo wasn't disgusted with her blood, but Hazel refused, just like she refused oral and anal sex. The children weren't made in this way, and so it was not meant to be.

Leo had never openly complained. His sex life was normal and Hazel looked lovely, she was educated and cultured. She was naturally elegant and was an excellent hostess. Hazel was always even tempered, like Leo, and would be a formidable mother. Leo's father loved Hazel and pretended she reminded him of his late wife. Yoshi had claimed it, from the moment Leo had presented Hazel to him eight years earlier. Leo sometimes told himself it was this very comment that had made him marry Hazel, more than the woman herself, despite her perfection. Leonardo had loved his mother so much and still missed her deeply.   
  
He turned to his wife, who was lying like a starfish, but a starfish wanting to be mated. Leo hated that. 

Raph wouldn't have remained elongated, inert. Raphael would have caressed himself with gluttony and would have tried to seduce Leo with dirty talk. Raph would have prepared himself or he would have started a sexy role-playing game. He would have begged Leo to bite him, to mark him, while Hazel was content with her wedding ring as a claim. Leo hated that.

It was not that monotony had settled in five years of marriage. Leo noticed it had always been there. During their dating years, before the wedding, there was a novelty appeal, after his relationship with Usagi, and when Hazel was not absolutely trying to get pregnant, at their very beginnings.   
  
It was not that his wife's body attracted him less. At 36, Hazel was fine and firm. She took care of herself, having still a smooth golden skin, which remind Leo of caramel cream. Even her long dark brown hair didn't have a single white hair.   
  
She was beautiful and sweet, a source of pure water, that was so refreshing. But Raph was magnificent and intense like a fire. And Leo, obviously, had found a fetish for burns. He continued to think of the black man, while gently caressing his wife's body.He realized that it was Raph’s image that helped him to keep an erection, Hazel alone would not suffice. 

He closed his eyes and sighed.

He couldn't do it. His guilt prevented him from thinking of Raph, unhappy and furious, somewhere, smoking, drinking or snorting cocaine. His stress prevented him from concentrating on Hazel, and anyway, he could see it in her dark eyes. 

She was demanding his sperm and she wanted it, now. She would turn 37 years old in January. Her biological clock had been ringing since his first meeting with Leonardo. By the age of 38, the risk of problems or malformations increased, she had read, and Don had admitted it was true. Hazel was so conscious of this fact that she was an insatiable nymphomaniac during ovulation, to be pregnant before January 2003.

There was still a little time left. If he fail, he would have spoiled Hazel’s chance to be a mother, and so, her whole life

All of Hazel's friends said that Leo was such a good match. He was attractive, fit, a good man, with a career and without any vices. Leo didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't bet, didn't curse, didn't go to strip clubs and wasn't violent or rude. He was a perfect husband and a great father-to-be.   
  
No one had seen Leonardo, a sneaky son of a bitch, hiding 6’5 foot tall black lover in his closet.   
  
He couldn't pretend any longer. To the hell with this month. He could not when his break-up with Raphael was still so fresh. 

"I can't."

The black pearls of her eyes fixed him with a horror that definitively softened his sex, already half-hard.   
  
"What, why not? I only have until tomorrow."   
  
Leo drew back as if he was a vampire, who'd been sprinkled with holy water. "That's the reason, the deadline, the stress..."   
  
Hazel still looked quite shocked and Leo got angry for the first time in their married life. 

"I'm not a fucking machine. That you just lie there, with your legs apart, doesn't help me!".

Hazel straightened up, insulted. "What are you talking about? I didn't do anything differently than usual."

"That's the point! Do something for once!" Leo snapped.

Hazel’s delicate features twisted in anger.

"Leonardo, you're going to turn thirty-six years old in February. I think you've had enough wild sex in your life to turn to a more serious goal now."

That was it; the petty suggestion about his homosexual relationship with Usagi. Leonardo was not going to react. He didn't want them to have a fight, not tonight. He was too upset to handle all of this. His break-up with Raph, Karai's sexual advances, his father waiting for him this weekend to remind him that Leo, with such a wife and job, had everything to be happy about, except for the children and Donatello's sly smile during Thanksgiving.

Leonardo tried to calm down, remorseful for his outburst.

"Hazel, it's a lot of stress. You no longer see me as a lover. You see me as a breeder, " he attempted to explain.

"You don’t want to be a father?" she asked in an upset tone.   
  
"Honey, it's not that. As I said, it's because ... "   
  
"Don't you find me attractive? I'm too old?" she whined.

Leo uttered a sigh of frustration. He felt powerless to explain how he was feeling and so, to be able to comfort his wife, as the good husband he was supposed to be. 

"Damn, it’s not that, Hazel..."   
  
"Why are you cursing?" she asked sharply. “That's twice now. It’s not like you!”   
  
Leo said nothing, but it was true that since he'd been in contact with Raph, his vocabulary had become more colorful. But did it make him less himself? He didn't have time to answer. 

"I still have all of my limbs. Anyone heterosexual and normal would still find me attractive," she replied angrily. ”A lot of real men do, at the museum. I can tell!”

He saw that Hazel immediately regretted the hurtful remark. She was always amiable and sensitive, but their infertility was driving her crazy. That Leo denied her sex and therefore a hope of being a mother, was too much for her to bear. Leo, despite everything, didn't listen to the words of request for forgiveness and put on his jeans.   
  
"Where are you going? Dinner is almost ready?" Hazel asked anxiously.   
  
"Where I am not thought of as incompetent and so disgusting."   
  
Hazel tried to coax him, as Raphael had done so many times before, but the fireman had done it out of pure love. Hazel had to do it in the hope that later on in the evening he would, at last, fertilize her.   
  
He took a dark blue t-shirt, almost black, with the word ‘Fearless’ printed on it in white. As a teen, he had sung and played guitar in a band, and he had chosen this name for his band. He had left it before entering the Academy, because his father had told him it was not serious enough for a future policeman, and now, it was the tee-shirt he'd used to mow the lawn. 

But he wasn't even man enough to mow the lawn, according to Donatello and Hazel. With this t-shirt, his prosthesis was obvious. But who cares? He had given an arm for September 11th. Others had given their lives and he couldn't whine about his fate. And he was done disguising the reality.

He removed Hazel's arms from around his waist and didn't listen to her pleading. Nor had he listened to Raphael's pleadings. It was fair, in a way, he reasoned. 

In any case, what was the use of denying it, since the day before, he only wanted to be in one place? He took his keys and his cell phone and went out, Hazel in tears, behind him.

"That's not what I meant, my love," she wept. "Don't go. We've plenty of time until tomorrow. I 'll be more active in bed."

Leo bit his lip in anger. He knew it. Hazel didn't want to lose the opportunity. That was all. Did she really love him? And did he still love her, as he'd believed a few days earlier? He was no longer certain. He turned the engine key and left.   
  
He didn't go to Raph's, he didn't dare. Anyway, before throwing himself into the lion's den, he wanted to think. He turned around for a moment. It was not yet 7 pm. He stopped near Raph's neighborhood, in a pizzeria on Coney Island Ave, a few blocks from Dusty's. 

It had been more than twenty-four hours since he had left Raphael. Was Raph going to drown his troubles in bourbon tonight? They were only together on Tuesday, but a guy like Raphael didn't give a damn about the schedule, especially on medical leave. Maybe Raph was at home, mad, smoking weed to calm down. Or maybe he was drinking at Dusty's. Or he was with his Ma or his brother Casey. Maybe he was fine, or maybe he was happy to be rid of Leo. Maybe Raphael, just like Hazel, didn't really like him, but only had a temporary need for him?

Maybe he was overthinking it, again.   
  
He had left his cell phone in the car, not wanting to be disturbed by Hazel's desperate calls, in his gloomy reflections. The pizza was oily and unappetizing without Raph's company. 

Leo sighed in frustration. It was now 8 pm and he was still at the same point. He suddenly decided to go to Dusty's.

Maybe he was on the blacklist since the fight. Perhaps Raph wouldn't even be there, but his friends, yes, would say how ridiculous Leo looked waiting for him. He didn't care. He had to do something proactive before he went completely mad. 

Despite appearing calm and a master of self-control, Leonardo had always known he had a hot-as-hell temper. It had made him leave without listening to Raphael and Hazel's explanations. He was going to fix it, starting with Raph, if he had the opportunity.

Hazel could always call a friend, her sister or her mother, to whine that Leo was a jerk, keeping his sperm for himself. Raph, on the other hand, was far too proud and would confide his sorrows only to the King Bourbon, the White Lady and the Green Queen. All things that Leo didn't want Raph to use for comfort.

The policeman arrived at Dusty's, feeling determined. If Raph was there, it was because fate had wanted it so. If he wasn't there, well, too bad. Leo would have two drinks and if at the end Raphael was still not there, he would go home. He knew it was still early and there was a slim chance of the black man being there, but it was his only chance, that was not too involved. He would be also less tempted to kiss Raph’s full and sweet lips.   
  
As soon as Leo entered the bar, the old woman recognized him. "You come to break jaws or hearts tonight, captain?" 

She didn't seem very glad to see him and Leonardo couldn't blame her.

"Or you come to pay your boyfriend's tab? I was just going to call him a taxi. He's been here since three pm. He's drunk and broke as well."

Leo’s his heart was pounding as he pushed Dusty away, to see the head of his ex-lover, with his braided hair so characteristic leaning on his folded arms on a table.

"Raph!" Leo exclaimed. 

The fireman didn't raise his head at his name and Leo shook him softly.

“Fuck yer money, Dusty,” Raph muttered. “I'll pay ya back with my first paycheck."

Leo was flabbergasted. Raph, as he'd feared, was not only jeopardizing his health, but his income too.   
  
"How much does he owe you?" Leo asked Dusty.   
  
"Yesterday, he drank until closing time and said that he had forgotten his wallet and he seemed so out of his mind that I believed him. But his credit card was refused," she replied sharply.   
  
Leo sighed and said, "So, how much is it? I'll pay his tab."   
  
Raph shook his head, but his face remained dazed, his eyes glazed, as if he did not recognize Leonardo, and seeing his ex-lover so ravaged, struck Leo like a dagger. It was his handiwork.

"Including the glasses he broke yesterday, it's $ 245," Dusty said.

Leo's eyes widened in disbelief. Was it possible to drink so much, almost a three day's pay for several people in just one day? Did Dusty want to abuse his generosity? While the old woman assured him that there was no mistake and Leo was counting his cash, as well as taking out his credit card, not having so much on him, the realization hit the fireman.

"Is that ya?" Raph asked in a thick voice. "Did ya come ta arrest me?"   
  
Leo shook his head, wondering why Raph was thinking such a nonsense. 

"No, Raph. I'm here to take you home."

It took a few moments for the drunk man to assimilate the policeman's words and his glassy eyes fell on Dusty's hand holding cash and his anger flamed.

"Dis asshole will not pay for me, as if I was his bitch!"

The old woman shrugged, as she took the cash and walked away from the lovers' quarrel that promised to be vicious.

"Raph, I beg you, calm down. I didn't come here to fight, hon... uh, Raph. I'll take you home," Leo pleaded, hoping that Raph didn't remark on his slip of the tongue.   
  
"Fuck ya. I'm sure as fuck ain't comin' with ya! I begged ya yesterday and ya walked away after paralyzin' me with yer damn ninja trick. I'm rid of ya, finally, so go fuck yerself! Or yer wife!"   
  
"You didn't beg me. You threatened me," Leo replied matter-of-factly.   
  
Raph roared a string of vicious insults, calling Leo such names that the people around them appeared shocked, despite the fact that they were not innocent children.   
  
Leo listened to Raph cursing him for several minutes. It mattered little to him. Raph could claim to be happy not to have Leo in his life, henceforth, his time at the bar, his pitiful state, his anger, all showed that the man was wounded to the core.   
  
With great gentleness, Leo stroked Raph's cheeks. 

Raph leaned back, as if he was burned, and shouted at Leonardo not to touch him, but Leo remained patient. He had often brought drunk men into a patrol car. Raph's wrath didn't impress him at all.

"Come with me," he replied with gentle determination.

"Fuck ya," Raph replied stubbornly, but he leaned up, anyway, Leo passing an arm under his shoulder.

Leo soon had proof that Raph's rage was fake, just as he'd thought, and that the fireman still cared for him.

"Don't fuck yer arm for me. Yer bro, the jerk, would be pissed and yell at ya, again."

Though it was not wise, Leo nuzzled against Raph's neck. 

"Don't worry about me. My concern is only for you."

Raph snorted. "I wipe my ass with yer concern," he said, but he didn't resist being dragged outside.   
  
Leonardo helped Raphael to walk to the car, as Raph himself had done a month ago, when Leo had fled after their first kiss. Raph had to be thinking about it too. 

"That night, ya should have told me."

"Yes, I know," murmured the policeman. "I was stupid and selfish". 

Raph shook his head, without Leo knowing whether he agreed or disagreed.

The ride of a few minutes was silent. Raphael had his head against the car window, his eyes closed. He had to fight against nausea, but he held it until they were in front of the firefighter's house. Leonardo parked and hesitated. Should he get out of the car and take Raph up to bed and give him two aspirins?

He had come to talk, but Raph was not in a condition to talk.

Raph opened his misty eyes. "So, ya’ve not changed yer mind, have ya?" he asked.

Leonardo smiled at him tenderly. Behind his lone wolf's facade, Raph still hoped and loved him. Such loyalty, such love, touched him.

"Raph, come in. You have to sleep. We'll talk next time," the policeman replied, despite it was not being an answer.

Leo dragged Raphael out of the car and carried him, despite the fact that he was so heavy, to his house. He searched Raph's pockets for his keys and Leo felt Raph's body stiffen. Raph didn't want him rummaging in his pockets and Leo's heart sank. He didn't want to search the other man and he didn't want to find any cocaine in his lover's pockets, again. Leo only wanted to comfort Raph and put him to bed.

"Easy, my love. I only want your keys," he whispered. He could call Raph ‘my love’. The fireman was so drunk that he wouldn’t remember it the next morning.

When he switched on the light in the apartment, the condition of the apartment shocked him. Everything in the interior had been ransacked. A tornado would have done less damage.

"Shit, turn off the light," Raph muttered, blinking.

Cautiously, Leo slipped between the broken plates and glasses and walked over to the room, in the dark. But, Raph's stomach had other ideas and the black man headed to throw up in the toilet. Raph signalled to Leo, who was shocked, and he stood by the door. Between bouts of vomiting, Raph told him to go away.

"Leave me alone. Shit. I don't want ya ta see me like this."

Leo told himself that since their reunion, Raph seemed to be saying the opposite of what he really wanted. He crouched beside Raph and stroked his hair.

"No," he said softly. "You need me."

"I'm fucking fine on my own," Raphael spluttered obstinately.   
  
Leo went to get a cup of tap water and when he returned, he saw that Raph had thought that he had abandoned him again. Proud or still upset, Raph didn't show his relief to see that this wasn't the case. Raph took the cup and, with some gratitude, drank it. 

"Yer a lot sexier when yer dressed like a normal guy," Raph said with difficulty, eyes closed in discomfort.

Leo looked at his teenager tee-shirt, bewildered that Raph was finding him appealing with it and even more that he was telling him a compliment still so soon after their epic argument.

"If you think so, I'll dress like this more often to please you," he replied with a tender smile.

Raph snorted in disbelief, but had an uncertain grin.

"There's no one waitin' for ya at home?" the drunk man asked in a whisper, obviously remembering Hazel's return.

Leo immediately thought of his wife, who was languishing at home. Hazel would not indulge in hard liquor or drugs. The worst she would do was clean like crazy or binge-eat homemade cupcakes. Hazel was fine, compared to Raphael.

Anyway, she didn’t have any deep reason to complain. Last Friday, he had made love to her, before joining Raph for their weekend. She had been on her first day of ovulation. She had her sperm dose for a pregnancy to be possible. In any case, to return and handle her questions and her pressure for reproductive sex didn't tempt him at all. He could afford to indulge himself and Raph, and stay there for the night.

"As I said earlier," Leo said, "tonight I'm only concerned about you."

\----

Raph awoke a few hours later, on the cold floor of the bathroom. Despite his pounding head and stiff limbs, the heat of a body against his, filled him with a sense of well-being. 

It took him a second to realize who the body was. Then he saw the artificial arm hugging him.

Leo had coiled up behind him and his breath tickled Raphael's neck. Raphael took advantage of the contact for a moment and closed his eyes. He didn't exactly remember what Leo had told him the day before, stroking his braided hair while he was vomiting. What he remembered was the living hell that had been the day after their breakup.

Raphael had thought he was going mad, alone, his lover refusing to send him the slightest sign of life. He had never felt so helpless and in pain. He would never feel this distress again.

Slowly and quietly, Raph moved away from the policeman's embrace. The fireman, despite his size, could be silent when he wanted to be. Leo wasn't the only one with the skills of a fucking ninja.

Leonardo had abandoned his wife last night to come and find him. Hadn’t she come back? Had they quarreled? Had Leo realized that he was no longer in love with his wife? 

Raph knew nothing about it, but what he knew was that he would no longer feel the cryogenic bite of being abandoned, even ignoring where the motherfucker, who made him suffer, was in this fucking huge city. Leo had ignored his messages, his calls, but if Raph could have found him, Leo couldn't have ignored him. He needed to know where his asshole of a lover’s lair was.

He went to the kitchen, where their coats were. Raphael took a pen and a notepad for the groceries, not trusting his memory, and searched the policeman's pockets without shame; Leonardo had thoroughly searched him.

He took out his lover's wallet and his driving license.

"Gotcha, bitch!" he mumbled, writing down Leo's address.

He grabbed a glass of water, went back to the bathroom. Carefully, he lifted Leo from where he was asleep on the floor, cradling him in his arms, and carried him bride-style to his room.


	15. The deal

Leo woke up, his internal clock telling him it was time. It only took him a moment to remember where he was and the events of the day before. 

"Shit," he said, panicked, checking his phone for the time.

It was already 6am, and for the first time as a married man, he hadn't slept at home; at least to his wife’s knowledge. Hazel must be upset.

Raph lazily opened his eyes and wrapped an arm possessively around Leo's chest.

"Too early. Come here," Raph said. He stifled all protests by capturing Leo's lips with his own. "I want ya," Raph whispered huskily, his hot breath against Leo's ear. "I wanna fuck ya so hard, make ya scream and make ya beg me. I want ya ta go back not bein' able ta walk straight and everyone ta see that ya got fucked so hard that even after two hours, ya still feel the afterglow of our lovemakin'."

Leo's stomach flipped. It was the kind of thing Hazel would never say, even if threatened with a revolver.

"I will pound ya into the mattress," Raph continued in a seductive tone, very aware of the effect his words were having on Leo. "Ya will feel the burn and stretch all day."   
  
Raph, waited with baited breath to see what the result of his words would be. 

Out of curiosity, when he'd put Leo to bed, he'd read the messages Hazel had sent Leo. She'd apologized, had promised to be a better lover and to be more active during sex. Raph didn't think more about that than was necessary. If Leo wanted his wife less sexually, it was because Raph gave him better sex or was more appealing to the policeman.

Raphael didn't want to lose his advantage, knowing his still fragile position, because of the cocaine incident.

Raphael knew his lover. One of Leo's weaknesses was of the flesh and the other was his pride. Leo never backed down from a challenge. 

"What? Ya can't handle me, Fearless?"

Leo narrowed his eyes at both the challenge and the new nickname.

"What did you call me?"

Raph pointed to the t-shirt. "I like yer T-shirt and the nickname suits ya, because ya come back ta me. Ya have nerves. And I don't know what ta call ya anymore."   
  
Leo said nothing. He did not know what he should call Raph, when he still don’t know what to do with his affair. Then, he knew it was not, as Raph had, said being Fearless, that had brought him back, but more because of his weakness, the need to be loved and to love an expressive and passionate partner.   
  
But, Leonardo knew Raphael as well. Leo knew the challenge was a way to keep him there. Raph, having thought he had lost him, wanted to be assured there was still something between them, and so needed to have Leo stay with him a little longer to be reassured about it.    
  
The black man was more a man of action than words. If Leo's cock hardened, it was because Leo still loved him and so they were still together. That was what made Raphael so appealing to Leonardo. His soul was so pure and honest that all trickery was deeply hurting to him, but he was always willing to give a second chance, believing others as genuine as him. 

Leo sometimes felt like he was a pedophile. Raph, despite being 265 pounds, was like a five-year-old child.

It wasn't that simple. Leo had come to Raph to listen to him and his explanations. Then it would be Hazel's turn. Raph had had plenty of sex all weekend. Leo had told Hazel no. In a spirit of justice, though it was foolish to be just in adultery, he wished to keep the balance between them. It was already a lot and Raph could not ask it for now, in the present predicament.   
  
"Sorry. Not today," Leo said, turning his face away to not see the huge disappointment on Raph’s open face, nor his far too tempting, almost naked body.

Leo stood up hurriedly, realizing he was still wearing his navy boxers and his T-shirt, but Raph, without awakening him, had managed to remove his jeans. Leonardo held out his arms for his jeans that Raph had carefully folded while he was asleep.

Raph moved to look him in the face. Leo was caught looking back at him.

"Not today or not ever?" Raph wanted to know and Leo saw the anxiety in his golden eyes.   
  
"Raph, I'm here because I wanted to listen to you, and to see that you are all right..."   
  
"Okay. Ya got yer answer, Fearless." 

Leo understood the meaning behind Raph's sharp reply. The destruction of almost all of his belongings and the consumption of alcohol clearly proved that Raph wasn't coping well with their break-up.

"Raph..." Leo began, struggling to find the words. "I don't think I'm a good person for you. You may not be a good person for me either, but I really love you. I don't think you can do anything to make me stop loving you, but if you go on like this, I can't be with you." 

It was Leo's most sincere answer and, after having uttered these words, he felt better. Telling the naked truth to Raph for once, was good to say. 

"I wanted to tell you that, and to listen to what you had to say about this matter, but I have to go to work. My wife spent the night with no news from me. I know that you have also had a day without news," he added quickly, seeing Raph pouting and ready to argue." But I must go home now and reassure her. We had a fight, I left in a rush, and my uniform is there and..."   
  
"So, this is how it will work, chief? Ya will distribute yer favors fairly between yer two bitches?" Raph asked, snarling.   
  
Raphael knew that an argument with Leonardo would not help him, but he couldn't help himself. 

Yesterday, Leo had rejected his wife's advances, but the fireman feared Leo’s wife would do a better job at coaxing Leonardo today. She had known him for years and had to know how to awaken her husband's guilt. She had official rights to Leo. Raph's position was much less solid and Leo seemed to be a man desiring a trouble-free existence.

But the thought that Leo could kiss another person consumed him with so much jealousy that he trembled with rage. He had to release some of his anger and fear before it strangled him.

Leo was just as furious. Hearing his wife called a bitch made him want to punch Raph. The black man had called himself a bitch too, but Leo felt more obliged to avenge his absent and innocent wife's honor.

"Don't you dare drag my wife into this," Leo snapped. "She has nothing to do with it," he added, grinding his teeth. "I'm the asshole. If it makes you feel better, insult me, but not her."

Raphael understood that in his jealous rage, he'd crossed the line. Looking at Leo’s cold anger, so he stepped back.   
  
"It's true. Yer an impossible asshole, but I love ya,” he said, and Leo could tell Raph meant it. ”Go now, before yer late. We'll meet again later."

Raph knew better than to question and demand when he would see Leo again. Under his tidy uniform and kind face, Leo was as a wild cat, impossible to tame, or maybe, in a more poetic way, Leo was mostly a controlling son-of-a-bitch, refusing to be told what to do. No wonder he hated his boss so much. But the wrath of the policeman seemed to have cooldown.

Leonardo sighed. "I feel the same way about you,” he said. “You are the most difficult person I know, but I love you deeply."   
  
Confident, Raph stepped forward and boldly raised Leo's chin, kissing him deeply and placed Leo's hand on his swollen cock, which was trapped in his scarlet boxers.   
  
"Go now. Dis will wait for ya, fully loaded," he whispered seductively. 

Leo bit his lip. The heat coming from Raph's cock ignited his blood, but it was almost 6:30 am now and he had to leave or he would be late.

Leo wrapped his fingers around it, rubbing the hard cock through the thin red bamboo fabric. Raph moaned and his cock under Leo's skilled fingers, grew erect again. Leo's insides twisted and he threw back his head to let Raphael nibble his collarbone. Raphael bit and sucked and Leo was sure there would be a huge purple hickey, that his buttoned-up shirt and jacket would barely hide.   
  
Leo didn't care. He still didn't have his jeans on him and if he let Raph keep going another two minutes, he would not be putting them on today.   
  
It was so unfair. This cock filled, coming to life, just for him. Raph loved sex as much as he did, maybe more. 

Raphael was a very attractive man, looking similar to the hip-hop singer, 50 cent, but with a more handsome face. His flawless, muscular body and his bouncy ass were very appealing. Raph could have anybody he wanted, in a blink. And he was such a great lover, always willing and with the same stamina he had himself.

And yet, despite having being denied sex, and knowing Leo was a cheating bastard, Raph, the love-machine, was ready to stay faithful.

Abstinence for the black man would be more difficult than for Hazel. Anyway, his wife was only crying, because of a lost chance at becoming a mother and not because of him, while Raph would be longing to feel Leo’s cock.

Leo, despite his possessiveness, didn't deserve Raph's fidelity. Perhaps if Raph had another lover, he would take fewer drugs and alcohol. Leo was as jealous as Raph, but if he had to choose between seeing his lover dead from an overdose or with someone else, he would go with the latter, even though it would hurt him.

"I love you,” Leo said quickly, his tone serious as he put on his jeans. “I really do, but I don't want you to be alone and to mope. That's unfair. Perhaps that's why you're looking for comfort in places where you won't find it, like drugs and alcohol. I'd rather see you with another man than find you dead from an overdose. Go out today, and if you meet someone deserving of you, I won’t mind it if you have sex with him. I want you happy, Raph.”   
  
Raphael grew serious. "I don't want another man. I want you. Life and love are unfair. On September eleventh, many honest and deserving people died. People bet and lose every day. Ya may not be the right horse, but I put everythin' I have on ya. I'd rather wait for ya, than lose ya.”

Eagerly, Raph took his fake hand.

“I know ya, Leo. Ya offer me this, but you'd be jealous. I told ya that I'm yers and I will keep that promise, but ya promised me somethin' as well."

The amber eyes shone with emotion and Leo struggled to look at him with a straight face.

"I see clearly through ya, Fearless. Ya refused sex this morning, because ya refused it ta yer pretty wife yesterday. Ya wanna offer me freedom under some pretext that we’re in a kind of open-relationship,” Raph said. “Ya wanna treat us fairly Leo? Ya promised not ta touch her again. Are ya gonna be chaste with me too now? I don't see ya leadin' a monk's life. Unless ya have a third horse somewhere in yer closet. Yer so sneaky, babe."

Leo said nothing, while another pair of golden eyes came to his mind. But Karai was not an option Raph had to fear. If he wanted to flirt with danger and fuck with trouble, he rather have Raph, as unpredictable as he could be.

Raph seemed to read his mind.

"Ya have ta ask yerself why ya became committed with me, a drug addict and an alcoholic, and why ya made promises ta me. I'll promise ya somethin' too. Here the deal. Don't do yer wife and I won't do drugs either. Of any kind."   
  
A wave of happiness overcame Leo. 

Raph's promise was pure gold, just like his love. The cocaine incident was forgotten.

Raph, seeing the blue-steel eyes shining with love and gratitude, and seeing he had Leo's attention, pushed further. He emptied his jacket pockets and handed Leo his metal straw and two bags of cocaine. He went to the living-room, opened the wooden box under the couch and handed Leo his pipe and the few grams of weed that he had.

Seeing Raph's confidence, love and commitment made Leo's heart race. He put down the drugs, grabbed his cell and for the first time in his life was irresponsible about work. He typed a message to Karai and said that he would be late. 

After such a display of willingness and sacrifice, Raph deserved a reward.

"So, you said earlier that you thought I couldn't handle what you wanted to give me…" he said with a grin. “I give you 90 minutes to tire-me out.”

\----

It was gone eight when Leo entered his house. 

Raph had kept his promise; walking was now difficult. After fucking him senseless, Raph had demanded he keep Leo’s navy boxers, as a souvenir, leaving Leo with nothing under his jeans.

Leo was still in his afterglow, his head full of erotic memories, as he walked up his driveway. So, it was like an icy shower when the front door opened and he saw Donatello, whose face was dark in anger.

"You jerk!" Don yelled. "How dare you leave us all night without news? Hazel... you know, your wife... was mad with anxiety. She called me in despair, because you weren’t answering her calls. I didn't go to work because I was unable to leave her alone while you were... where the fuck were you?"   
  
Leo remembered by this implication, that it was Donnie who had outed him to the fireman. It was a good thing Leo no longer had to hide this from Raphael and he was unaware of what point Donnie had made on purpose. But this interference in his private life was too much to bear at the moment.

"Get out," Leo shouted. "I don't care if you're the only one able to make my prosthesis work! Anyway, to you, to her,” he hissed pointing Hazel with his fake arm, before continuing, “at work, I'm no longer good for anything. According to you, I should have died that day, like the others!"

Hazel, who, upon hearing her husband's voice, had started coming downstairs, stopped and cried out in pain, at Leonardo’s harsh words. They also caused Donnie, who was usually so sarcastic, to turn pale, his eyes going wide.

"What the hell are you talking about? I never said that! How can you say that? I care about you, you ungrateful bastard!" he exclaimed, shocked and clearly upset by these words that he had not been expecting.

"Leo,” Donnie continued, as Hazel sobbed, waving his hands in a frenzy like a crazy Kermit-the-frog puppet. He was obviously disturbed. “I don't care about your career ambitions. You can't do it! Anyway, the Deputy-Inspector position has too much responsibility for the father of a young child.”

At this, Leo rolled his eyes. What if there no child?

“Things have got out of hand,” Don was saying. ”You've been through such a lot of stress. Such trauma can’t be taken lightly. You may be depressed, you may be suffering from a post-traumatic stress syndrome, that's understandable… Your attempts to conceive a child must make you anxious too, as it does for Hazel. You must not see yourself as a failure, you're a warrior! You were very brave that day. And we are all very proud of you, but that doesn’t mean you have to do this alone, by yourself. You need help, and you don’t have to be ashamed of that."

Leo snorted. Don with all his concern and worries was the one needing help. Maybe getting laid would do his sour mood some good and he wouldn’t spoil other people’s love stories. 

"No matter what you say, Donnie, I'm late for work."

Leonardo was not there to argue. He wanted to reassure Hazel that he was fine and to invite her to a restaurant to talk. Donatello's presence had reminded Leo of the pain that Don had caused Raph. 

Leo climbed the stairs beside Hazel, who was curled up.

Why had she called Donnie anyway, of all the people in the world? Yes, she'd been Don's friend first, before she and Leo had became a couple. But Hazel had to know Leo hated that invasion of his privacy, and interference.

Donnie was the worst, since their mother's death. Since then he had made a personal case out of everything that affected Leo, and it had became heavier with September 11th. It was only because Don was a doctor and had finished first out of his University classmates that Leo would let himself be lectured by his younger brother.

He went up to his room, locking the door so not to be questioned, and dressed in his uniform.

He went back downstairs, where Hazel was sobbing in Donatello's arms. Guilt overcame him. Hazel should have been worried, and he had been a jerk to not at least tell her he wouldn’t be coming home.

But in Donnie's presence, Leo didn't want to talk. His little brother would dare to question him deeper than Hazel and he would be harder to deceive. Don knew about Raph, even if he still didn’t know to the extent. If Leo was pissing him off by being passive-aggressive, Donnie could ask ‘Did you sleep with the black fireman who came with you to your appointment, last night?’.

Leo would see Hazel later. Anyway, she had to go to work in less than half an hour.

Donnie, seeing that Leo had a hand on the door handle and was so pissed off at him, tried one last attempt at reconciliation.

"So, Do you want to leave for Massachusetts tonight or tomorrow morning? We can take one car, because we're all going to the same place," Donatello suggested in a casual voice.

Leo thought back to Raph, their last kiss and his last words before he had let Leo go to his wife.

_ "Wish me a happy birthday, babe. Ya will not see me again before then and until we meet, I will keep the boxers as a gift." _

Raph had been loving and sweet despite all the anguish he must had felt, knowing Leo would go back home where Raph’s rival was waiting and not even knowing when his lover would come back.

Leo had not answered Raphael, but he would answer Donnie.

"I’m not going. I’m staying here," he declared, and he slammed the door behind him.

 

  
  
  



	16. The push

  
Leo regretted his anger a few hours later. Working under his superior's cold gaze, he still wondered what had made him so irate.

Had Raph come to assume such an important position in his life that he was ready to sacrifice everything? Leo had not seen his father for months and he didn't deserve this treatment. Hazel, for the first time, had been mean; but was he the same way with her that he'd always been either? After all, wasn't he the one who had been deceiving her?

She wanted a child, and that was understandable. All of her friends and colleagues, even those who were ten years younger than her, had children. At her age, Hazel could probably have only one child, if she had any, and not the three she had wanted. They had bought a two-storied house with a backyard in the expectation of having many children. The sterility affected her and that was normal. Leo had proposed adoption, but she'd rejected it, saying that as long as she was not yet 42, she still hoped to have biological children.

Leo briefly thought of Raph, who had proposed the adoption.

For him, it was simple. Was Raph himself not adopted? Leo realized that he didn't see himself raising children with Raphael. Anyway, it was still illegal for two men to adopt and raise children together in New York. But, maybe it was a sign Raphael wasn't the right one for him.

Why did he love Raph again? Was it for the incredibly good sex? And did Raph love him for the same reason? Were they both suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome? Was their attraction only temporary? Could he spend his life with Raph, admitting Hazel divorced him, because Donnie had told her Leo had a lover?

He thought of Donatello and of avenging the grief his brother had caused Raph when he’d told him Leo was married.

Over the years, Donnie had increasingly interfered in Leo's life. It had all started with Usagi. Donnie had not approved of the relationship. He had sworn to Leo that this had nothing to do with the fact that Usagi was a man, but according to Donnie, the relationship was not serious.

Leo had not listened to him and the relationship had been perfect for the first eight or nine months and had then crumbled. Usagi had met a woman and, sixteen months after his and Leo's relationship had begun, Usagi had dumped Leo out of nowhere.

The policeman had remained friendly with his ex, but it took a while to get to that point and it had only happened when he met Hazel, whom he'd met fifteen months after his and Usagi's breakup.

Donatello had desperately tried to introduce Leo to the young women he knew from his University, because he was positive his elder brother was depressed. Anyway, it was nothing new. Donnie, who saw diseases everywhere since their mother's death, diagnosed him as suffering from depression. According to Donatello, the fact Leo had waited until he was twenty-three years old to start dating was a great indicator something was wrong with him.

Leo was studying and starting his career at the time and so was Donnie, who didn't have a partner, either. Leo felt like he was abnormal, seeing all the men of his age engaged in a relationship, and felt compelled to court women. After a few attempts at dating them, he'd met Usagi and had suddenly felt real attraction and love.

Usagi had been less maintenance than the girls Leo met before, and more independent, and Leo hadn’t felt Usagi was giving him sex to manipulate him, in anyway, like some girls did. Usagi was a calm and even, like Leo himself, and Leo had strongly believed that Usagi was the one.

But he was not.

After the breakup, finding that Leo was training too much, and neither eating or sleeping enough, Donnie had tried to find a replacement for Usagi.

Finally, on a Saturday, fifteen months after Leo and Usagi's breakup and three weeks after Usagi's marriage, when Leo had acted as best man, Don had introduced Hazel to Leo at their father’s house. It had worked.

Hazel had the same dark brown hair as his mother and was also a tranquil person. She loved to cook and she loved Leo. She’d had an instant crush on him, it had been obvious. All evening at his father’s place, she had only looked at him, with shining eyes. She had come with Donnie, but left in Leo's car. They had stopped at a motel and made love all night. Leo had been chaste for sixteen months at that point and a release had been overdue.

Leo admitted Hazel had been a rebound thing, but the sweetness of her character, her rare beauty and her attachment to him had conquered him. Hazel wasn't a dependent woman either. She was a curator at the Brooklyn Museum and between them for their second anniversary as a couple, they bought a lovely blue and yellow house with a backyard in a middle-class neighborhood with a lot of old trees. Hazel had always been clear that she wanted children.

One year after buying the house, they had married and started trying to conceive a child.

For the first two years, Donnie had remained in the shadows, occupied with his own life, especially with his work. But then he'd returned, interfering in their life with his lab coat and hormones, when Hazel and he had failed to get pregnant for twenty-five months.

It could be seen as a cute thing, how Don was acting treating it as a personal matter to him but, Leo wanted Donnie to find a woman and have children of his own, so he would not worry about his case, but Don said that he was ‘too busy’ for that.

On September 11th, Leo had been resuscitated, having suffered major blood loss. He remembered virtually nothing about it, except for Donnie fussing over him in a frenzy.

Since then, Don had been breathing down his neck, as if watching him was Donnie’s new purpose in life.

Leo remembered Hazel weeping at the hospital, because she would not have a child to remember her husband by. Leo was almost positive it was neither a hallucination nor a dream. Since then, Leo told himself that Hazel had lost her years of fertility with him.

If he had died, ten weeks ago, she could have found a fertile partner, already. If he were dead, Don might have more time to devote himself to his own life. At work, Leo felt like a dead weight and useless. Karai managed everything and he wondered how he could replace her. He did not understand why he had not remained a mere sergeant, as he had been when he was with Usagi. He'd been more active then, and had felt more efficient.

Since then, Leo had had to live with disgusted and pitiful looks from everyone. Leo thought he was nothing remarkable, but in the past many people had remarked that he was a handsome man. That was no longer the case; except for Raph, who gazed at him with eyes full of desire, like a client of the club where Jessica Rabbit was performing.

But perhaps Raph was depressed too and didn't know where he was, despite his present sincerity, and did not really love him.

Leo's thoughts didn't help him now. He had shouted at Donnie that, for the first time in his life, he would not be going to Thanksgiving at their father's place. His father didn't deserve it, but Leo felt stifled. He no longer wanted pitiful looks. Hazel thought he was disabled and sterile and not a good lover. Don thought he was depressed and a fragile thing about to snap, and his father thought he was a perfect hero with an oh so happy life.

Leo only wanted to be himself, and to be loved and desired for that, and nothing else.

He didn't know if it was a wise decision, but he wanted to see what Raph would bring him if he chose him over his own family this weekend. In order to keep him, Raph had stopped taking drugs. Would Hazel give up hope of becoming a mother to keep him?

He was so confused and not being able to talk about it calmly with his wife was not helping him decide.

He didn't want to get a divorce. He was not yet sure of himself. He needed to go a little further with Raph, get to know him, see if he was reliable and could keep his promise and then he could decide. Of course, if Hazel was pregnant, the decision was clear. He would accept his responsibilities and stay with her and his life would be calm again.

But once she had a child, they go back to making love every Wednesday and Saturday, which was the schedule Hazel had established. Perhaps, with his prosthesis, he was less attractive and she would want even less sex, and with the energy demanded by the baby, she'd be tired and sex would only happen on Saturdays.

Leo gritted his teeth. He did not want this kind of artificial life with a cute wife, but who spread her legs only \out of duty, but Karai’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

"Captain, you must know I recommended you for this promotion. I hope I don't come to regret it."

"No, madam. I hope not."

"I always believed you were a very capable man, Captain Hamato, and a born leader. That's why I recommended you. I suppose your attitude of the last few weeks is only temporary," she said icily.

Leo told himself that if he was a born leader, like Karai thought, he would not be agonizing over something so stupid as to know where he would spend Thanksgiving.

"We'll have our lunch together, because I still have to talk to you."

With such a direct order, Leo couldn't escape. He had wanted to take advantage of the lunch break to talk to Hazel on the phone, and then. perhaps to Raph to announce, depending on his discussion with Hazel, his decision for the weekend.

The idea of the joy he could offer his lover gave him butterflies in his stomach. His decision was almost taken then. Leo wanted to take the time to have some distance from everything, to reflect on everything from the comfort of Raph's arms, but he would never dare to do something so stupid as sending a text message in front of the deputy-inspector and her sharp gaze.

They went to eat sushi, not far from Dusty's, on Avenue J. They had been there for a quarter of an hour discussing business, when someone called his name and made him look up. A beautiful red-haired woman, and Raph's brother were in front of them.

"I'm sorry to disturb you in the middle of your break, Leo, but my girlfriend wanted me to introduce her to my brother's new boyfriend," Casey said.

The words hit him like a ton of bricks. Karai knew that Leo was married. It was the only thing that had prevented her from pinning Leo to her bedsheets, like a butterfly. Karai had offered him this place, because she respected him and found him honorable, probably because he had the balls to stand against her advances, while staying polite. He didn't want to lose his reputation on the police force or be discredited in front of his colleague.

Pale and in panic, thinking that if Donatello hadn't told Hazel the truth, Karai was certain to tell her, Leo did the most cowardly thing in the world, he denied it.

He bowed coldly to Casey's girlfriend.

"I think you're mistaken. I'm only a friend of Raphael’s," Leo replied firmly, feeling the heavy stares of both Casey and Karai.

Casey frowned. Leonardo seemed to be a good man, but the truth was that since he'd known him, Raphael wasn't doing so well. Raphael was crazy in love with Leo; but something about them was off, he could tell.

Perhaps it was because of the woman with a cold glare who was accompanying Leo, or that the policeman denied being in a loving relationship with his brother, but Casey's blood boiled and anger overcame him at hearing his brother disowned this way.

He had spoken with Raph earlier, who'd told him about all the new resolutions that had come about thanks to the policeman. It was indeed great news but, Casey suddenly feared his brother was mistaken and the policeman didn't love him back like Raphael believed. He feared new heartache for his brother, much worse than it had been with Chame. He had never seen his brother so passionately in love in his entire life, trying so badly to impress and please his lover.

If Leo did not love Raph back or was about to break-up with him, Raph would be devastated, while Leo, the motherfucker, would obviously be fine, with his good job, and cute coworker and no addiction to struggle with.

"Oh, my mistake. That you spent last night with him led me astray. Come on, April," he sneered, with contempt.

Leo regretted not being a woman to faint from the shook, and being a police officer, who could not punch Casey.

Karai, being very clever, must have already done the math. Leo had arrived late to work, because he'd been having an affair with a man, being irresponsible to the point of having a morning fuck instead to be at his job in time, and while hiding behind his wife, he had repelled all his boss’ offers of sex.

Karai would be pissed and who know what a woman like that could do when she was mad.

On the other hand, Leo couldn't go and eat at Ma's with Raph after this scandal. Casey, rightly, had to be pissed off at him, and would spoil Raph's birthday by having a fight with him, for sure.  
  
Leo was also angry. Casey had seen he was with his superior. Why would he tell her what was going on in his private life? Now he was in a worse mess, than he was twenty minutes ago.

Karai, strangely, didn't talk about it. She continued to discuss the affairs of the precinct, as if nothing had happened, with her usual professionalism. Back at work, she left him alone and he finished his shift without her talking to him about it. For the first time in his life, Leo really liked her and how she was all business.

When he was finally in his car at the end of his shift, he checked his cell phone.

Neither Hazel, Donnie, nor his father had called him. He had only one message from Raph.

"Sorry for my bro. He's a moron. I explained things and told him that she was your boss and that now, you're a in deep shit cuz of him."

Leo was relieved. Raph was not mad that he denied being his lover. He didn't know how far his explanations to Casey had gone, but Raphael's unconditional support reassured him. He should not have lost too many points to Raph's family.

However, Leo didn't know what to think about the silence from his own family. He thought as he headed to his house, he would find out soon enough. Hazel worked from 9:30 am, to 4:30 pm, so she should already be home. He wondered with a touch of guilt if his wife had had a hard day at work, following their first argument. Donnie was supposed to be at the hospital, too busy saving lives to deal with Leo's mid-thirties crisis.

He parked in front of his cozy house with the well-kept garden and the impeccable windows. The house was too big for them, but since Hazel had planned on having at least three children, the purchase had seemed reasonable at the time. Since the house was located at an intersection, the land the largest in the neighborhood, and the only one with a pool. With his prosthesis, it would be a lot to take care of now.

Suddenly down, Leo looked at the neighboring houses that were decorated for Thanksgiving.

His own house was less festive, because they always celebrated in Massachusetts. But Hazel, very artistic, had created a beautiful fall wreath with leaves, flowers, ribbons and mini pumpkins, which she had hung on the door, giving a welcoming look to their home and had enrolled golden-orange ribbon around the porch columns.

The following weekend, Hazel would remove it and start setting up the Christmas decorations. And another year would end without hope of children.

He imagined for a moment what his life would be like with Raph if Hazel left. He tried to imagine Raphael decorating a Christmas tree. He didn't succeed to make a clear mental picture. But that was the weekend's goal after all, to see if there was more between them than sexual chemistry and if Raphael could be a good life partner. Okay, a Christmas tree worthy of appearing in a magazine was not an assurance of having a good life partner, because he was increasingly beginning to imagine Hazel out of the picture, and sharing his life with Raphael.

Maybe Donatello was right and something was wrong with him.

How could he think of a divorce after a simple argument, for a man he barely knew? He had to act with more control and self-restraint. But it was always like that. When Raph was not there to distract him with his firm body and his golden gaze full of love, Leo was always second-guessing his feelings. But now, he was too late, he had to act and seriously take a decision. He could not leave either Hazel or Raph in uncertainty

He had absolutely no desire to be interrogated by his whole family during the four day weekend and that made up his mind once and for all.

He would spend time with Raph for his birthday and a little alone to reflect. He was at a crossroads of his life, and did not want to make any mistakes. Thanksgiving was a great opportunity to get to know someone and their family. He was going to explain it to Hazel and tell her that he needed some time to think. He could always invent a fishing weekend.

He perceived at his first step in his house, that he would not have to lie. Nobody was there but Hazel had left him a note.

"Don and I left for Massachusetts. Your brother believes that forcing you or confronting you can only hurt you more. I greatly regret what happened. Rest and take time for yourself. If you're bored, you can always join us. We'll be back early Sunday evening. I love you."

Remorse still assailed his heart to have such a compassionate and caring wife, who unknowingly left him a free way to deceive her more, every damn minute of the weekend. He went into the kitchen, downed a glass of water and some aspirin, and frowned.

Hazel had left him a list of what he could eat. She had not gone to work, because she had had time to make beef stroganoff and some Thai chicken, but that was not what caused his frown.

A pill container was on the granite counter.

Leo took it, wondering what it was. The pills were for Leonardo Hamato, prescribed by Dr. Donatello Hamato. He read the leaflet. Effective for depression, OCD, panic attacks, social phobias, post-traumatic stress conditions and generalized anxiety. A prescription for weekly appointment at a psychiatrist was attached.

He kept the prescription for therapy. Talking to a neutral person could do him some good, but he didn't need pills to get better. He was not sick, for god sake!

Donnie's pills had removed the regrets awakened by Hazel's message. His wife was conspiring with him, believing Donnie that something was wrong with Leo and siding with his brother against him. She didn't understand that it was her insistence of alternating between treating him as handicapped and a breeding bull that was the cause of the problem.

He didn't need pills, only a certain someone who understood him.

\-----

Raphael was at the gym. He had been there since Casey had called him to tell him he had seen his sweetheart with a female police officer at a restaurant.

According to Casey, it had looked intimate, and Leo had denied being Raphael's boyfriend. Casey was pissed off, but Raph had immediately done the math in his head. The policewoman had to have been Leo's superior, an incredible bitch, who was very demanding and a workaholic. She had to know Leo was married and so Leo, embarrassed, had had no choice but to deny it.

Casey, of course, didn't understand that Raph was furious at him, and not at Leo, and had told Raph the last thing he'd said to Leo.

Raph had been incensed. Leo's boss was going to know Leo had arrived late, not because he had a mechanical problem with his car, but because he, despite having a wife, had been fucking his lover all morning. A deputy inspector shouldn't behave like that, and so Leo was likely in deep shit because of Casey, and he might not even get his promotion that the bitch had suggested Leo for.

Raph and Casey had had many arguments, but not like this. It was the worst one they'd ever had. Raph didn't want to tell him that Leo was married, but he defended his lover with such an impressive fury that Casey eventually gave up.

"I don't understand your obsession with this man. There is nothing extraordinary about him, beyond being different from those you've had before. But whatever man. If you want to trust him, rather than your bro, I have nothing more to say about it," Casey said, very upset, before he hung up.

Ever since then, Raph had been taking out his rage on the gym punching bag.

Because of his brother, perhaps Leo had had enough of such trouble, and would prefer not to see him, and all the points gained in the morning were lost.

Stress had almost cracked him.

Leo hadn’t taken the drugs with him and had simply thrown them into the toilet, and the straw and pipe into the kitchen garbage. Then Leo had quickly grabbed the broom, sweeping up all the pieces of glass and ceramic on the floor, and putting them in the garbage, before leaving for work.

But, before leaving, Leo had given him his bank card as proof that he had faith in him.

Raph would not have accepted it, but Leo, without his knowledge, had put it on the table with his PIN and a note suggesting Raphael use it to buy a new dinnerware. Raph had long hesitated, because he was proud. Using his boyfriend's money for his own use was repugnant to him, but he was broke, his credit card over the limit and he needed new dinnerware to welcome Leo home.

He had, therefore, spent the morning shopping, as though a housewife. Going to Happy Home and finding that there were no plates there. He'd then run to the other end of the city to buy them at Home Goods. The ones he had broken had came partially from one discount store or another, and the rest he had been given by his Ma; but Leo deserved quality and that was what he'd get.

Knowing his lover liked blue, he had chosen a beautiful white and blue 16-piece set, more than sufficient for only two people. He had also bought six white-wine glasses, because he had Leo drink it, and eighth ordinary glasses.

Then, he had told himself that Leo’s wife must have kind of glasses for every occasion and drink and he bought six red-wine glasses as well, because his mother preferred red, six beer glasses, six cocktail glasses and six glasses for stronger alcohol. To finish, he had bought six Champagne flutes, in case they had guests and something to celebrate, like Leo’s divorce.

If the dirty rat, Leo's brother, came one day, he didn't want to look shabby to him.

He had spent over $250 and he hoped Leo would not find it excessive. He remembered, blushing, that Leo had paid for his bar tab, which had been even more expensive. He didn't want to seem like he was benefiting financially from Leo and being a gold-digger. It was indeed true that Leo had more than twice his income, now he was on medical leave, but Raph had not chosen Leo for his money.

When he was able to be back at work, and it could only be soon with Leo with him, he would be able to pay Leo back for the money, and he will repay him every penny his boyfriend had spent because of Raph’s own stupidity.

Raphael had just arrived home with his purchases when Casey had called him. The dispute lasted more than forty minutes, a record for them, whose arguments usually only lasted five minutes. When Casey had finally hung up, Raphael had immediately texted Leo.

After ten minutes with no answer of his lover, the temptation to find his pipe or straw in the trash and use Leo's bank card for weed or coke had been very strong. He had gone out and had decided to go to the gym to blow off some steam before he went crazy.

Raphael had his kickboxing session that he had twice a week, besides his daily training. Then, still agitated, he had left everything and, exhausted, had gone to the locker room.

It was gone six and Leo was probably at his home, eating the dinner with his wife, using his own dinnerware. The thought that Hazel was maybe stroking Leo's hair made him mad with jealousy.

He pulled his cell phone out of his sports bag, unable to hold back anymore and about to call Leo directly... to the hell with discretion... when he saw Leo’s text.

"My love, I'm in front of your apartment door. Where are you? I have my suitcase and I was thinking of spending the weekend with you as a surprise for your birthday. I stopped to buy us some new lube. It’s strawberry flavored and I can’t wait to lick it from your body.”

The message was from twenty minutes ago, and had Raphael rushing on Betty to his own house, fearing his lover would have grown tired of waiting. But Leo was there in his gray-silver Mazda 3.

Raphael, having no care for what his neighbors might think, had pulled him out of there, shoving his tongue down Leo's throat.

"I was worried all day, because I was afraid my brother got ya into trouble," the black man said.

Leo had shrugged his shoulders. "Surprisingly, Karai didn't say anything, but that actually could have caused me a lot of problems. She's been hitting on me for years and my marriage is the only thing that kept me off the hook. And she is quick-witted. She must have realized my late arrival at work had to be due to morning sex with you. I can't wait until next weekend, when she will be the head of the other precinct, and I’ll be out of her claws.”

Raph had frowned at this. Leo had never told him that his boss was hitting on him. There was no wonder in this, he told himself, his boyfriend being so handsome and a hard-worker. But he decided to not push the matter. His jealousy already enough to deal with, with Leo’s wife.

They had gone inside and Raph had shown him his purchases. Leo had praised him on his choices and he had beamed to hear it, even if he has still enough sense to find himself ridiculous. They had had sex, ordered Chinese, ate off the new dinnerware, had sex in the kitchen, done the dishes and then crashed on the couch, to have sex again, but Leo spoke up first.

"I want to spend the weekend with you and to get to know you and your family better,” he said. “What day does your mother celebrate your birthday?"

Raphael's heart had pounded. Leo would be present for his birthday party. Chame had never wanted to come. He could not blame him, his Ma detested Chame and was eager to show it.

He suddenly felt apprehensive. Casey would be there with April and would sulk in front of Leonardo. Raph didn't want his boyfriend to feel slighted by his family. He was going to call Ma and explain that nobody should behave sulkily toward Leo.

His lover's head lay on his lap and he caressed the short black hair. Leo seemed to be asleep. He took advantage of it and stood up, carefully shifting a pillow under Leo’s head as he did so. Ma would be asleep at this hour, so Raph sent a text to Casey.

"I'm with Leo, right now. He's coming for my birthday tomorrow. He's spending the weekend with me and leaving his whole family for me. Be nice to him or I'll never forgive u."

Never before had he threatened his brother, well, not so directly. Relations with his family, until Leo's divorce, would not easy. No one knew Leo was an unfaithful husband and that, practically from the beginning, he'd lied to Raph. Yes, knowing his Ma and Casey, tomorrow night would not be easy.

Casey had not replied and Ma had not called him either.

During the night, between their two lovemaking sessions, Leo had suggested that he could always be introduced as a close friend, so that too many personal questions wouldn't be asked. But Raph didn't like it at all. Leonardo was a discreet man, but he, Raph, had compromised himself in front of his family, and he didn't want to look like a fool. Casey knew he was madly in love with Leo and so did his Ma. What would he look like if Leo was still ‘a close friend’’?

Suddenly, he didn't want to go at all. He knew that his family would be even more worried about his mental well-being if he didn't go, but if he was to suffer the sharp-eyes, full of questions, from his whole family, he preferred to eat a pizza in bed with Leo.

Still anxious the next morning, Raph had refused to shower with Leo so to be able to call his Ma directly instead, to inform her he wouldn’t be there.

"I know yer mad at me, but it's Casey's fault and not mine. I don't wanna spoil anyone's Thanksgivin', so I think I’ll stay at home."

Ma had cried a lot. Raph knew all too well that his mother could be overdramatic, but her promise that no one would say anything disagreeable to the handsome captain had convinced him. He had changed his mind and had promised to arrive at 5 pm with Leonardo.

"But ya know, Ma, he's only a friend," he had added without conviction, as Leo came out of the shower. “I know, Ma. we won’t be late,” he promised, before ending the call.

He must look detached from Leo this evening, he told himself, otherwise his family, due to Leo's relative indifference, was going to hate the policeman.

Leo, freshly showered, took him by the waist and kissed his collarbone.

"I love you. Let's go to brunch and shopping. I want to buy a gift for your Ma and something for you, honey."

Raph shrugged. "Ya paid my tab, ya paid for everythin' I broke, ya gave me yer boxers ta keep me warm at night and yer comin' ta my birthday, I don't need anythin'."

Leo was silent for a moment. "We'll see. I'm sure I can find something."

Raph answered with a kiss, but with less passion than usual, his stomach tightened in knots.

\---------

Raphael was sick with anxiety. He knew it was probably withdrawal kicking in, but the present situation wasn’t helping his condition.

It was close to 4 pm and he and Leo were at the liquor store. After Raph had shrugged, Leo had decided to buy Ma an expensive bottle of red wine. Raph didn't dare say it aloud, but he knew that Ma didn't want wine. All she wanted was for her baby to have a caring boyfriend.

Leo had not seemed to notice his discomfort or maybe he deliberately ignored it. He appeared happy and peaceful. Raph didn't understand his quiet behavior and had asked Leo what he had done about his wife.

"Raph, I'd rather not talk about her," Leo had said.

Raph had not insisted, because what mattered most was that Leo was there and at that moment, he could not ask for more. Having been in an orphanage for the first five years of his life, Raph had never thought his birthday important, but when he'd been adopted, his Ma had wanted to change that and make up for all the birthdays that hadn't been celebrated.

Raph had always accepted with slightly amusement, the unnecessary excitement about it, but this time he was not feeling it

Leo finally noticed his lack of enthusiasm.

"Honey, you seem worried. Why? I thought you'd be happy about my surprise of spending the weekend with you?"

Raph said nothing for a moment. Yes, Leo had made an effort and that proved he was important to Leo. He knew that, but his family would think differently and not understand the policeman's reserved attitude. Ma and Casey would tell Raph that Leo was not a good man for him and that he was wasting his time with him. They were words he did not want to hear.

"Babe, I think we shouldn't go."

Leo, who'd opened his car door, looked at him in surprise. "Why?"

"Ma doesn't want any wine," Raph blurted out. "All she wants is for me ta be happy and ta have a lovin' boyfriend. Maybe ya can love me, but they don't see that. They'll see that I love ya like crazy, and will tell me that ya only want me for sex and don't love me, and that I should dump ya. I don't want them ta say that, because there is already a voice in my head tellin' me that."

Raphael was trembling and Leo wondered if the drastic drug withdrawal had been too much for him to handle.

Maybe they should have kept his pipe to make up for stopping his cocaine, and to slowly stop, rather than going cold turkey right away. But Raph had made that effort for him. Leo knew that it took a lot of courage and determination for addicts to stop and Raphael was suffering, because he wasn't using. And of course, the stress of the situation only made things worse.

Touched to see the distress of his lover, Leo walked around the car and took Raphael in his arms.

"My love, I swear to you that your family won’t say that. I love you and I will show it to you and also, to them."

Raph raised his head, but Leo saw doubt in his amber eyes.

"Whatever, chief," he mumbled, shrugging.

Seeing Raph so dark and pessimistic shocked Leo, because Raphael hadn't been like that when he'd first met him. He'd been confident and smug; now he seemed much older, disappointed and not daring to hope. It twisted Leo's insides to see Raph this way.

He felt like he'd defiled and destroyed Raph's fierce spirit.

"Raph, if you like, we can tell your family the truth, which is that I love you, but I'm still married," Leo said, even though he disliked the idea. But he hated being a hypocrite and a liar, although he was used to it by now.

Raph shook his head

"No. It's gonna fuckin' complicate things and make them worse. Chame was a criminal and yer with someone else," he snorted, "Everyone has their flaws."

Seeing his lover so miserable give Leo a sudden kick to the gut.

"Raph, I am much more involved in our relationship than you believe. You seem to think I'm just a two-faced asshole, who's playing you. I'll show you something and then you’ll stop pouting."

Leo took his phone and typed a message to his wife.

"Hazel, this weekend of being apart will do us good. I need to be alone and think, because I don't think I'm the right man for you. It might be time for us to separate. No need to answer, because I can't tell you anything else right now."

Leo showed the message to Raph, who glanced it.

It wasn't as drastic, as Raph would have liked, but it did prove Leo was serious about their relationship and he nodded.

"Raph, I promise I will send the text after dinner. It's almost 5 pm and I don't want to spoil the Thanksgiving meal for my family, but I want you to remember that after the meal, around 9 pm, I will send the message to her. And I'll call a lawyer tomorrow. Does that reassure you?"

Raphael was stunned. Leo was really going to get a divorce. Feeling like he was in seventh heaven, he smiled lovingly at Leo, but the policeman was not even done.

"And, as I promised, I will show my affection in front of your family. If you want to introduce me as your boyfriend, you can do it. I won't deny it. And today's date could become our anniversary. A better date than September eleventh."

Raph was too excited to say anything coherent and chose to kiss Leo passionately as his reply. Then he checked the time.

"Time ta go, Fearless,” he said happily. “Don't wanna piss Ma off by bein' late or she'll make us do the dishes."

Leo started the car. He tried to empty his mind, so he wouldn't be nervous and so Raph wouldn't think he was anxious. He had not sent the message yet, but he was sincere. He was going to send it, because the message told the truth. Leo did not know if Raph was the right man for him, but he was not a good man for Hazel. Of that he was positive; he was sterile and it was better for him to be single than to waste his wife's time and deceive her.

Leo gave a squeeze to Raph’s hand as they reached Ma’s place, showing that he was willing to be seen holding his hand. And with a toothy grin, Raph knocked on the door.

Ma opened the door. Raph cheerfully threw himself at his mother.

"Ma,” he said, “I'm so glad ta see ya!"

Ma was amazed. Her adopted son was an expressive man, but this joy was unusual. Leo entered the room with more reserve. Ma glared at him, but Raph pulled the man towards him.

"Here, Ma,” he proudly declared, “My new boyfriend, Leo."

Casey snorted in the kitchen, mocking. "Since when? The last five minutes?"

Ma said sternly, "Hush, Arnold. Behave."

Casey's animosity chilled the whole room and Leo bravely spoke up.

"I'm sorry, Casey, but my boss was the worst person in the world you could ever chosen to approach."

Casey rolled his eyes and mumbled a "whatever", despite April's nudging and his brother's thunderous gaze.

Leo politely handed over the two bottles of Châteauneuf du Pape and Ma invited them to sit down at the table.

Leo sat next to Raphael.

Casey still rolled his eyes, but his mother glared at him. April tried to diffuse the tension and was friendly and chatty, asking Leo questions. While eating his turkey, Leo answered her questions and questioned her in turn, pretending to ignore Casey's hostility. He asked Ma to tell him about Raph and about his childhood and tenderly looked at Raph throughout the meal, never dropping the black man’s hand.

Casey was not a bad guy, however. He could see his brother was enamored with Leo and it seemed to be mutual. He had to admit that perhaps, it had all been a misunderstanding.

"Hey, Ape. Maybe Leo and Raph would like to come to the special party for your job," he suggested, wanting to make amends, without begging for forgiveness.

April smiled. "Oh. My employer is organizing a charity night,” she said. “The profits go to the families of the victims of 9/11. I didn't want to invite Raph, because I was afraid it would remind him of bad memories and it wasn't his kind of evening, but perhaps with you…"

Raph blushed, because it was silly. He knew how to behave in public, but being there with Leo was a great incentive.

Leo grinned at him affectionately, squeezing Raph’s hand again, asking him by the eyes if Raph was eager about it. The fireman told himself that, indeed, they were real boyfriends now. When Raph nodded, Leo turned toward April.

"That's a great idea. Where is it?"

"At my job. The museum director curator's husband almost died on 9/11. He's a policeman, like you. So, maybe..." April said, with an encouraging smile.

Leo paled. "A museum? Which one?"

"The Brooklyn one," Casey replied. "April is an artifact restorer."

The young man proudly explained his girlfriend's studies and experience. Leo nodded absently. Without noticing it, he no longer held Raph's hand.

Raph anxiously scrutinized Leonardo. He knew the policeman well enough to guess that something was bothering him. He took advantage of the short break before dessert to get up from the table.

"Ma, I wanna show Leo somethin' in my old room. We'll be back soon."

The woman glanced sternly at her son.

"Raphael, I only hope to never see again what I've seen before!"

The black man blushed. "No, Ma. It's not what ya think." He took Leo by the hand and dragged him to his room.

"What did your mother mean?" Leo asked, suspicious.

Raph interrupted him. "She thinks I'm horny. Forget it. What's goin' on?"

Leo sighed. Raph knew him too well to be fooled. He did not want to enter about Hazel personal details, but he had no choice.

"April’s boss, the director-curator of the Brooklyn Museum, is my wife,” Leo explained.” She’s the one organizing the event. That April never saw me is a miracle. Almost all of the museum staff came to our wedding in June ‘96. She must have been too young at the time."

"Yeah," Raph mumbled. "She has only been workin' there for two years or so."

Leo fell on the bed, discouraged. What star-crossed lovers they were!

"Okay. So, what?" Raph said, still eager. "It's not a big deal. The charity event is in three weeks, just before Christmas. By then, yer wife will know the truth! Ya said it earlier that ya will call a lawyer tomorrow. Yer supposed ta text her, meanin' the two of ya are over. Yer mine now. She will get over it before three weeks has passed!”

Leo stared at him incredulously

"Are you out of your mind? It's not that easy!” he exclaimed. “I will let her know that I am thinking of a separation and find out about the consequences of separation from a lawyer, but she still lives with me. I won’t kick her of our house! She is still my wife. I can't' just show up at her workplace, with a man, three weeks after messaging her that I was thinking of leaving her. It's too soon and didn't you hear me? Almost all of the staff attended our wedding and she could be pregnant. I warned you that if she was…"

Raph was incensed. He had believed that now, all his stress was over, but still, Leo was there, hiding behind ‘but’s and ‘if’s.

"Fuck that! Ya promised me, ya lyin' son of a bitch!" Raphael roared, his amber eyes flashing. "I don't give a damn 'bout yer shitty excuses! Ya've been fuckin' her for years! Why will she have somethin' in the oven now, unless she's got a little bastard!"

Even for someone calm like Leo, it was too much to imply that his wife was cheating on him. He punched Raphael square in the jaw, without holding back.

"Stop talking about her like she's a whore! She's not sleeping with strangers in a bar, like you do!"

Raph threw a punch at Leo, knocking him down onto the bed.

"Maybe she is!"

They wrestled on the bed until Raph succeeded in forcibly pinning Leo's arms to his sides.

"Haha. No hands and no more ninja tricks!" he snarled.

"That's enough, Raphael! Let me go," the policeman protested.

"No. Not without ya listenin' ta me."

"Raph, you’re hurting my arm. Let me go," Leo pleaded.

Raph stood up, sorry, his rage forgotten. He'd punched Leo, but he didn't want to hurt the arm he'd lost due to his bravery on the day they'd first met. Leo took the advantage of it to reverse the situation and pinned Raphael.

"Ya sneaky bitch! I believed ya!" Raph yelled, indignant.

"Raphael, listen to me,” Leo said unimpressed. ”This is my last warning to you. I may love you, but if you are not more respectful to my wife, we will be over. Am I clear enough?"

There was a long silence. The only noise being the mens' heavy panting.

"The ball is in your court, Raphael. Either we go back to the dining room as if nothing happened. You wipe the blood of your burst lip and you invent an excuse for us not to go to the Museum that evening or we're done."

Raphael was pissed off, but, trying to break free of Leo's grip, he noticed something, and he grinned.

"Yer hard, ya kinky bastard! If punches make ya horny, I'll do it more often!" he proposed in a seductive tone.

"Maybe it's punching you that put me in this mood and not the other way around!" Leo remarked boldly, before smashing his lips onto Raphael's busted ones, rubbing his crotch against his.

“I will teach you some respect lessons,” he whispered, biting the already bleeding lip and Raph loudly moaned his appreciation, when a cough stop them dead in their tracks, like an icy shower.

"Can't you two have foreplay like normal people?" a female voice asked.

The two stupefied men raised their eyes and saw Ma.

"Thank goodness you are still dressed! If I had seen you naked, with your probably perfects abs, Raphael and I would fight over you, Captain. But joking aside, your tea is cold," she deadpanned, not even shocked.

Flushed, an embarrassed Leo stood up. At thirty-five, he had just been caught acting like a horny and kinky teenager, on his boyfriend's childhood bed, by his boyfriend’s mother. He didn't know what she had heard; he assumed it was only their last sentence, but that was enough to mortify him.

Leonardo apologized profusely, before returning to the dining room, and didn't notice that in their fight, his cell phone had fallen out of his pants pocket, but Raph had seen it.

It was 8 pm in Massachusetts, and that bitch, Leo's wife, would have to refuse her dessert, because she was watching her weight. The cell phone seemed to hypnotize him, burning a hole in his soul. He took it and re-read the unsent message.

"Hazel, this weekend of being apart will do us good. I need to be alone and think, because I don't think I'm the right man for you. It might be time for us to separate. No need to answer, because I can't tell you anything else right now."

Leo was a delicate gentleman. He didn't want to hurt his wife’s feelings, but some people didn't understand without being hurt. Leo hesitated and was cautious; Raphael understood, but his lover needed just a small push, a push that would make it impossible for him to retreat, a push that would make Hazel understand her time as Leo's lover was over.

He erased the message and typed it over, trying to sound formal as Leonardo.

"Hazel, this weekend of being apart will do us good. I need to think alone, because I believe you're not the right person for me and I'm not right for you. It might be time to separate. I no longer love you as before and therefore we should get divorced. No need to answer. I can't tell you anything more right now. Don't come back until Sunday evening. I want to be left alone. You should maybe call a lawyer. I will do the same tomorrow morning."

Raphael pressed send, smiling wickedly, and went downstairs to join his man. He had just offered himself the most beautiful birthday present... a way to Leo's heart without any obstacles.


	17. The last chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amazing art by @Alessandra DC! I so love the position of the hands!

 The rest of the meal was conventional for Leo. He took Raphael's hand in his once more when he was back downstairs, and drank his tea. Luckily, April didn't talk about her invitation again. Raphael had poured a third glass of wine for Leo and was all smiles.

"Let yerself go, babe! Yer so damn serious all time! I'll drive."

The policeman, despite knowing how irresponsible this attitude was, recalled what he'd promised Raphael and accepted the glass. His heart struggled. He was not sure of his decision yet.

He regretted his promise to Raph; not for message's meaning, but rather the way it would be sent. Hazel deserved better than a text. Leo told himself that there was no getting out of it though. Raphael was going to remind him. Speaking to Hazel on the phone would be better, but doing it with Raph nearby would be next to impossible.

After they had finished dessert, Raph had received his birthday presents. Leo felt terrible because he hadn't bought him anything, but he vowed to make up for it the next day.

Casey had been generous, but although Raph had liked his gifts, Leo found it hard to approve. They were a voucher to a tattoo parlor and a bottle of vanilla whiskey. Raphael already had a barbed wire tattoo on his bicep and Leo did not want Raph to get more, but seeing his happy expression, he said nothing. But, alcohol was simply a bad idea. Raph had been controlling his vices, but he decided to open the bottle right away.

Despite his offer of driving he had poured himself a drink, as well as one for Leo and Casey. Then, he had another one, insisting on top up theirs as well. Leo tried to refuse the second and stood up to help Ma do the dishes.

"Fuck, Leo, just sit yer nice ass down, will ya?" Raphael said. "I'm not sure that yer prosthesis can handle water, and yer brother will be pissed if it damages it. He already hates me. Have another drink, babe. I love it when yer drunk and horny."

Leo flushed. "Raph,” he said sternly, “one of us needs to be sober. It's your party, so..."

"This will be yer party soon," Raphael whispered lasciviously, winking, as Casey covered his ears.

"I don't want to hear anything," Casey protested loudly, "but why does Leo's brother hate you, Raph? You're a good guy, have a good job, and you love Leo. What's the problem?"

Leo blushed again. He didn't want to think about Donnie, because then he'd also think of Hazel and his father.

Raph, drunk, shrugged, as he poured a third glass of whiskey. "I have no fuckin' idea. Is it because I am black or because I don’t have a pussy? I don't know, and I don't give a damn, because I deal with it. Nothin' can separate us anymore. No brother, no fuckin' wife!" Raph roared, his face splitting with a huge smile.

Embarrassed, Leo shook him to make him shut up.  
  
"Raph, I think you've had enough,” he insisted. “Maybe we should go home? I want to look for a gift for you tomorrow, honey."

Suddenly, Raph kissed his boyfriend fiercely with no restraint at all, and Casey, a little uncomfortable, stood up. He didn't care that his brother was gay, but he didn't like the passionate display of affection at the table and didn't wish to see it, whoever it was with. It was slightly unsettling.

"I don't need any shit, babe! I have ya, and I gave myself my own present earlier. The best present ever!"

At this, Leo frowned, not understanding why Raph was so excited, but then, Raph approached Leo and whispered in his ear.

"Somewhere in Massachusetts ya have an ex-wife lookin' for a lawyer or a dating site."

Leo paled but didn't react, still uncertain what the insinuation meant.

"I sent the message, but maybe I added a couple more explicit sentences, so she'd get the message that yer mine, and that you and her are over!"

Leo's first reaction was to sucker punch Raph, but his lover grabbed his hands.  
"Ya can punish me later,” he said, licking his full lips, “and bite me or slap me, but ya can't change anythin'. Yer mine now, Leo, and she knows that, and there's nothing ya can do 'bout it."

Leo's blue eyes flashed, and he snapped. "You want to bet? Just watch me!"

Ma, done with the dishes, arrived and seeing Raph and Leo within an inch of each other and snarling, and the bottle of whiskey almost empty, she rolled her eyes.  
  
"You can sleep here, but I don't want to hear anything, and I don't want my baby to have a black eye tomorrow, Captain," she said, frowning.

Leo's face darkened in rage. Raph deserved far more than a black eye, but he told himself that this was not the time for a fight and that, just maybe, Raph's message was not so bad. But deep down, he doubted it. Raph could well have said, ‘Get the fuck out of my house. I don't want to ever see your skinny ass again, you bitch.’

But he refused to sleep there, not when Raph’s adoptive mother would be within earshot, hearing spanking or slapping or whatever Leo needed to do to cool down.

Raph saw what Leo was thinking about and that he was mad, and he suddenly felt that maybe the text message hadn't been a good idea after all. Leo appeared to be pissed off, and Raphael didn't want to wrong and upset him. All he wanted was to help Leo to come to a decision. He had to convince Leo to stay because if Leo left now, he would no longer need to stay polite and would become furious. Raph did not mind hardcore, he even looked forward to it, but he dreaded the harsh decision his lover could make. Leo had to stay until his anger abated.

"Good idea, Ma," Raph said. "I wanna use the tattoo voucher when the shop opens tomorrow and it's closer ta yer place." He turned to Leo and said with a smile, "I want something that reminds me of ya, babe, so even when I'm not with ya, I will feel less alone."

Casey laughed. “That’s the sappiest shit I’ve ever heard,” he declared.

Leo looked at the sparkling amber eyes that were so full of love and his anger dimmed. Raph was an expressive and excessive person. That was what Leo had found most attractive about him, closely followed by his ass. When he had known Raphael better he had been seduced by the sharp contrast between Raph’s hard muscle, bad boy appearance and his soft inside. But there was still some fire under the sweetness of the guy. Raph could take eagerly a cock up the ass, and cry watching Titanic, but he was not made of the same clay as cuckolds.

That a person like Raphael had already borne the situation so long was a feat. Raphael was indeed often left alone now; he would be alone with jealousy.

Leo was not into tattoos, but something inside him was pleased about the idea of having something about him inked deep into the black flesh of his lover. Raph would have it for life, and it would for Leo only. It was more permanent than Hazel’s ring and anyway... why he was mad at Raph, again?

He had been intending to send the message anyway, he'd promised Raph. Leo told himself that if the message Raph had sent was polite, that maybe he’d forgive him. Leo would just have to be more careful about his phone. He would have to put a security pin so no one could use it but him now.

Everyone seemed to be waiting for Leo's decision.

He yielded, telling himself Raph's punishment could always wait. Anyway, it was maybe for the best. This way he could calm down a bit and not hurt Raphael too much.

It was not so late but Leo was a little tipsy and worried about what Raphael had said to his wife, and Hazel's reply, and so he wanted to go to bed immediately. Raph joked that Leo was eager to be alone with him. Leo thought he was indeed in a hurry to get to bed, but it was because he wanted to express his wrath and not because he was horny.

Leo ascended the stairs, Raphael close behind him.

The fireman was talking about naughty things he wanted to do. Leo knew Raphael was trying to seduce him with his kinky talk, and divert his mind. Raphael was so childlike, simple with his obvious schemes, except when he'd been high on cocaine and had threatened Leo. However, that had been the drug talking and not Raph. His Raph was not aggressive outside sexual role-playing.

But still, Leo had never thought Raph would take his cell phone and use it to sneakily interfere in his marriage.

Raph had waited to commit such reprehensible acts until Leo was too much in love with him and invested in their relationship to break up with him. If Raph had done so three weeks ago, Leo would have erased the fireman from his life, without a second though. Now Leo realized, as he pursed his lips, it was too late. He was in too deep.

He wondered if he had even ever loved Usagi as much, because for sure, never he would have tolerated this from Hazel, when he was almost finding excuses to tolerate Raph doing so.  
Inside Raph's bedroom, he took his phone off of the bed and read the message, deliberately keeping his face neutral. The message was less rude than he had feared, but the meaning was clear and too definitive for Leo's liking. He was surprised Hazel hadn't replied yet.

"Did you erase her answer, Raph?" he asked, his voice clipped.

"No. I'd never do that, Leo. I waited for two minutes ta see if there was an answer, but when there was none, I went back ta ya. She hasn't answered yet?" Raphael stretched lazily, trying to seduce Leo by putting his attractive body on display.

But sex was the furthest thing from Leo's mind.

"No. It's odd," Leonardo murmured more to himself than to Raphael.

The fireman shrugged his shoulders. "The message told her not ta answer. Maybe she has someone else and doesn’t love ya anymore," Raph said, pulling off his T-shirt and revealing his muscular chest that attracted Leo so much.

Raph didn't understand why Leo was making such a big deal out of this and why he was so sad and worried. He couldn't have two lovers, and if Leo's wife had found happiness with someone else, surely that was a good thing?

Leo didn't reply. Hazel was sure to be devastated, sobbing her heart out or crying on Don's shoulder. Donatello was probably telling her not to worry and that Leo was just depressed or had a mental illness and that with psychotherapy and pills, Leo would be the same man he'd been before. But he could not be the same man he’d been before anymore.

He had lost his arm, but had gained the vision of what he really wanted to do with his life. But, from an outside point of view, it must not look that way and Leo must seem to have just lost his mind, being in a mid-life crisis or something.

Leo clenched his jaw. It occurred to him that Donnie must have seen the text message, and seeing Leo's unusual, drastic behavior, he'd diagnose his brother. If he was in doctor mode, Don could leave Hazel at their father's house and return to New York to try and slap some sense into Leo, into getting him come back to Hazel and force Leo to choke down some pills afterward.

"I need to talk to my brother, Raph, but if you make a sound, it's over," he hissed, eyes narrowed.

Raph nodded, removing his boxers. "I like it when yer so threatenin', baby, " Raphael said and he chuckled, completely naked. "I feel like I'm with Batman. Call yer brother. I will be quiet, I promise."

Leo looked sternly at his boyfriend. Raph seemed very pleased with himself as if everything was a joke. Leo resolved that when they were out of Ma's house, he'd kick Raph's ass.

With an exasperated sigh, furious with Raph, and with himself for being so weak with his lover, Leo called Donnie. It took five rings before Donnie answered. He was probably stressed out and busy with Hazel or their father, and Leo felt a point of shame for leaving his little brother to deal with his own mess. While waiting for his brother's voice, Leo realized that he didn't know what to say.

"Hi, Donnie. I'm calling, because I want to know how Hazel is," Leo said, in a casual voice.

To him, it sounded pathetic and a stupid thing to ask. How would any wife be after hearing her husband no longer loved her?

"Like a woman who has suddenly learned, via text, that her husband no longer loves her and wants a divorce," Donnie deadpanned.

Leo braced himself for what was about to come to him. When incensed, Donatello was as impossible to stop as a trainwreck. But, while Leo was waiting for a sarcastic remark, he heard only a quivering sigh.

"Leo, I'm glad you called. I didn't dare do it, because lately, you seemed pretty jumpy. Hazel is fine. I gave her a sedative. She's been asleep for thirty minutes or so, I didn’t check the time.”

Don took a break and Leo told himself that Donnie, who was usually so accurate, was probably far more upset than he had thought, to be so vague about the time Hazel had been given her sedative.

“Leo, I think you need to talk to somebody. Maybe not me, because you seem to be holding a grudge, though I don't know why,” Don explained painfully. “I don't think that staying alone for so long can do you any good."

Leo opened his mouth to tell Donnie he just did not want him to be so involved in his life. Without Donnie, Hazel might have given up on becoming a mother and Raph would not have suffered. But then, a strange sound emanated from the phone, and Leo realized that his brother was crying. He could not recall it happening since their mother had died.

Leo turned to Raph and saw that with half-closed eyes, Raph was stroking his cock and looking at him lustfully. Exasperated and not wanting to be distracted, Leo turned away again, having forgotten what he was thinking. He heard his boyfriend's very light panting, but he did not reprimand him. Donnie could not hear such a low sound over the phone.

"Leo, have you considered suicide?" Donatello asked anxiously and he continued, without giving the policeman time to reply. "You are still attractive and despite your prosthesis, still a capable man. You have a career, a family that loves you deeply, money ..."

A stunned Leo moved his phone away to look at it, like it had grown a head, before pressing it back to his ear.

"No. I don't think about suicide,” he replied slowly, still incredulous about Donnie’s question. He turned to Raph to convey his astonishment, but his lover was too caught up in his self-pleasure.

"I talked to our father and Hazel. Perhaps a stay in a therapeutic retreat would do you some good,” Donnie said cautiously, but since Leo was too dazed by the suggestion, Don took it as a green light to continue. “It would only be for a few weeks. You need peace and rest, Leo, and I found a very good one in New York, with Tai Chi classes…"

Knowing that Don had already gone so far as to choose where he would put him, Leo immediately was irate.

"After wanting to drug me, you want to lock me in a sanatorium, Donnie?” Leo barked at him. “Fuck you! I'm fucking fine! If I'm tired of Hazel, it has nothing to do with my mental health. People divorce every day, and no one puts them in a mental asylum."

“Is not a mental asylum, Leo! It’s only a peaceful place with emotional support to heal from your trauma!” Don retorted, distraught.

“I don’t care! I’m not suffering from any trauma! I just want to divorce!” Leo roared.

He heard Raph’s light grunting. His lover was liking what he heard. The asshole just got what he had wanted, cornering Leo, forcing his commitment, to the the point that the policeman couldn’t backpedal from the divorce. It was in the clear now. Everybody knew something was going on.

"But why, Leo? Why? Hazel doesn’t even know what's going on. She's always been a loving and caring wife." Donnie lowered his voice and added, "Is it because of this fireman thug? You see what a mess you are? You have a loving and beautiful woman at home, and you fuck this… this..."

Leo's blood boiled. He wouldn’t tolerate any more comments concerning Raph or his life choices for that matter.

"Watch your words, Donatello,” he hissed. ”I don't want your opinion. I just wanted to know if Hazel was all right. I will talk to her when she's home. It is our business and not yours. I don't want you at my house on Sunday. Tell Hazel that I was a little too brutal, and that I regret it, but I don't want any more involvement from you in my love life, whoever my lover is. Am I clear?"

Donnie didn't answer, but Leo heard his shaky breath. He seemed to be genuinely worried and Leo felt remorse for his violent outburst.

"Don, you have enough to do in your life and don't need me to add to your load.” he said more quietly. ”I feel I'm a dead weight. I'm already not enough for Hazel, and she deserves better."

"Death, burden. I knew it! You want to kill yourself. That's why you want to be alone. I'll never forgive myself for leaving you alone, while you were obviously so depressed. I don't care what you say. I'm coming home right fucking now!" Donnie said hysterically.

Leonardo rubbed his forehead and uttered a sigh of exasperation. He did not need this added drama in his life. He needed to calm Donnie down.

"Don, I don't want to commit suicide and to tell the truth, I've never felt so alive," Leo said, following Raph's hand movements on his cock. He knew his lover's body. By the way he was quivering, Raph was going to cum shortly. "And I am not at home."

"What do you mean you're not at home? Where the hell are you?" Don asked, flabbergasted, having probably been picturing his eldest brother in his bathtube with a razor blade.

Raph's golden eyes begged Leo to slam his cock in his tight ass before he came and despite Don’s panic, Leo felt that he was himself hard in the face of such an erotic scene.

"I’m fine, not alone, and the rest is none of your business, Don. Goodbye."

Leo hung up, despite Don's pleadings, and he turned his flashing eyes to his lover.

"Raphael," he said in a hoarse voice. "Your egoistic actions have caused me great trouble and I am obliged to punish you."

Raph pumped his dick faster and his thighs opened more, welcoming all Leo could give. Leo told himself that if Raph had been a dog, his tail would have been wagging with joy right now. Hazel, Don and everything else vanished from his mind. Everything he wanted was in front of him.

But Raph did indeed need a good punishment and, taken by an idea, he opened Raph’s drawer. There were still some clothes, and with a mischievous smile, Leo took the strap from the waistband of some sports pants.

Prepping himself eagerly with a hand, while the other was still pumping his leaking cock, Raph sneered.

“Wanna whip me with that?” he asked “With all your big boy toys at my place, there’s nothing here, beside yer huge cock, with which to make me make amends.”

Leo’s smile grew wilder, playing with the strap.

“Is not a whip, big dummy. This is a cockring,” he explained huskily. “I said you would regret meddling in my life and I meant it. You won’t cum tonight until I allow it.”

Raph’s grinned

\-------

On Sunday afternoon, Leo lovingly touched Raph's tattoo, which was not yet healed. It was already beautiful, and not as bloody as it had been on Friday. Raph had complained that his black skin prevented him from having his tattoo colored in, but Leo disagreed. It was so perfect.

He had been there, Friday morning, while the needle had pierced Raph's flesh, and in fascination, watched the tattoo artist regularly wipe Raph's blood away from his chest. Raph had picked a magnificent tribute to his three-hundred and forty-three colleagues who'd died on 9/11. At the top of the FDNY symbol where the number of dead firefighters was, was inscribed ‘I will never forget’ and at the bottom ‘Among death, I found love.’

Hazel would never have done such a thing.

Raph had suggested writing Leo’s name rather than the word love, but Leo had found this more poetic. Yeah, Leo was becoming sappy with his new passion.

The captain, enthusiastic in his turn, had also had a tattoo done, but on his shoulder blade. He'd chosen the New York skyline with the WTC and the date. It was more discreet than Raph’s, but the fireman had been delighted. Leo, in a moment of exaltation, had asked the tattoo artist not to change his needle. Raph had joked and called Leo his blood-brother all day, and they even went as far as a kinky role-playing game as two brothers fucking each other in the evening.

On Friday afternoon, Leo had called a lawyer and requested an appointment as soon as possible. The secretary had scheduled it for the following Wednesday and Raph had rewarded Leo with a mind-blowing blowjob. Leo had cum all over his face and there was nothing in the world more alluring than his creamy, pearl spunk on the dark flesh, he had decided.

Raph had trained on Saturday afternoon, complaining that with Leo there, he was only training his ass, and Leo had decided to join the same gym, despite his prosthesis. He could always do the karate classes and practice his kicks.

On Sunday morning, Raph had jogged with Leo, keeping up with him the entire five miles.  
It was precisely what Leo wanted, and his expectations for the weekend. They had shared more than a bed and were getting to know each other better. He knew already he loved Raph as a sex partner, but he needed to know if he could love him really beyond that.

While they jogged, they chatted easily, talking about their past and learning about each other. They had laughed a lot, like Leo hadn’t remembered doing in the past few years. Raphael no longer seemed to be suffering from withdrawal and Leo learned that he wasn't a demanding a person. Sex and love and simplicity sufficed.

But now, it was past 4 pm and Hazel must have left Massachusetts. Maybe she was almost home. Leo sighed.

"My sweet love, I must go soon, you know."

Raphael, who was almost asleep with Leo's stroking, opened his eyes.

"Why so soon?” he asked. “She knows that yer not at home. She won’t be surprised. No need to pretend again, babe. Stay for dinner instead. Please."

"Raph, please don't insist," Leo said gently. "I would like to be alone a little before her arrival. I want to unpack my suitcase and think about what I will say to her."

"Think 'bout what?" Raphael said stubbornly. "Ya don't have anythin' ta think 'bout. It's over. Ya just say that."

"Raph," Leonardo said sternly. "Don't ask too much. I have not chastised you enough for what you did with my phone, because I love you too much for my own good."

"Okay, so chastise me as ya like. I'll be yer sub bitch, as ya want me ta be, but stay," Raph pleaded, but more sulkily than apologetically.

Leo frowned. Raph had been through a lot in the last week but Leo wanted to settle things now. He had asked Donatello not to interfere, but it was the same thing with his lover. This was between Leo and Hazel and no one else.

He had been a disrespectful asshole to his wife, already. Hazel had been made aware of the possibility of divorce by text message. His poor wife had to have been in tears all weekend, and anxious. She had respected Leo's need for solitude. He would not make her feel insulted further by not being there upon her return.

Raphael, very attentive to his lover's reserved expression, grabbed him seductively by the neck, asking for a hot kiss, but Leo, refusing to be coaxed into staying.remain.

"No, Raph. I have to go," he said firmly, removing his arms.

"What's the fuckin' emergency? Ya can stay another hour," Raph demanded irately.

Leo got up and dressed, feeling a brief stab of pain as he put his shirt on over his tattoo, but he was too fed up to care. Raph something was acting worse than the kid Leo would never have.

"No, Raph. In an hour you'll want another hour and so it will continue and it will never end. I give you an inch and you want a mile. I can't stay tonight. You already knew that. I know you will be bored, I understand, but go do something. Go out. See your brother, your friends, go to the gym. Do... I don't know what. But do something other than wait for me!"

Leonardo had not intended to be so harsh, but with his nervousness at confronting Hazel, that Raphael was choosing to be difficult, irritated him to no end. He was blowing off his life for him and Raph dared to sulk. Moreover, Leo didn't feel like he was enough for anyone, and this idea made him sick with anxiety. It was as if his ability to satisfy had been lost with his forearm.

Raph's face clouded, and he spat, his eyes blazing, "Fuck off! Who needs ya anyway?"

Leo shrugged at the rude reply. His boyfriend was pissed off. It was predictable because he'd been too mild, too long and had been bound to explode sooner or later.

"Don't call me. Wait for me to call you. You'll complicate matters if you don't. I'll let you know what's going on tomorrow night," Leo explained sternly while putting his winter coat.

"Whatever, man," Raph mumbled.

Leo hesitated for a minute, wondering if he should kiss goodbye Raph or not. He decided that he'd punish Raph for his stubbornness and wouldn't.

A few minutes later in his car, Leo had the terrifying thought that Raph might try and find relief for his loneliness by using drugs again. But, Raph promised he wouldn't, and so far, he'd been all right having come off them. He should trust him, like Raph was doing with him about Hazel.

During the short trip to his house, which took less than fifteen minutes, Leo tried to think of what he'd say to Hazel and how to explain Raph's message. Mentioning he had a lover was out of the question because it would unnecessarily complicate the divorce and antagonize her. Raphael had to stay in the shadows for a few months until the divorce was finalized and the house had been sold.

Leonardo loved his house, and it was more his than Hazel's because he owned it almost entirely. He had inherited money from his mother and had always been thrifty. It was with this money he had paid a 65% cash down payment on the house, leaving them with a monthly mortgage payment not much higher than an average rent.

He had started working immediately after the Academy, full time, and before that, he has been a pizza delivery boy even if his father had been paying for his studies, and so he had saved money this way too.

Hazel, on the other hand, had debts because of her many years of university. She had done a dual Masters degree in Art History, between Colombia and the Sorbonne, and was still not done paying back the loans she had been given. Also, her salary was less than his. So, they had agreed Hazel would only pay 25% of the mortgage and the rest of their bills.

Leo thought Raph's full-time salary was similar to that of Hazel's. They could maintain the same lifestyle and keep the house, which would be fully paid off soon, but Leo preferred to move.

Everything reminded him too much of Hazel's feminine presence and Raph, jealous as he was, would change everything, anyway. His lover would probably only love the wine cellar. Since children were out of the equation now, it was better to buy a smaller and more modest home that matched Raphael's manly taste and which would be easier to take care of as the handicapped person he was now.

His house looked colder than usually and Leo thought a bit anxiously that with the Thanksgiving decorations taken down, it must mean Hazel was home and waiting for him. He opened the door and an appetizing odor welcomed him. He sighed inwardly and thought that Hazel being as sweet as usual did not make this any easier.

Going into his kitchen, Leo was shocked.

Hazel was always well dressed and neat like Leo was himself was, but seeing her new look stunned him. Her hair was cut short, and she wore a tight leather mini skirt. Hazel smiled at him, and he noticed that although she always looked a little younger than her age, she seemed to look even younger with her new hairdo.

Stupidly, he muttered, "Have you had a new haircut?"

"Yes. You know the French movie, ‘Amelie’, that we saw last week. I told you I loved her hairstyle and the hairdresser told me that with my dark eyes, I look like her."

Leo nodded and said, "That's nice. It suits you."

Silently, Leo reprimanded himself for complimenting the woman he wanted to divorce. But, he had stayed friends with Usagi, so maybe it was possible for that to be the case with Hazel. A simple compliment shouldn't jeopardize anything. To tell his wife that her hairstyle suited her took nothing away from Raph.

His lover, two miles away, had to struggle to get up from the bed, he had been so affected by the hardcore sex they had had all the long weekend. After so much lovemaking, it was not cheating for Leo to tell Hazel she was pretty.

"I made the turkey with clementines you love so much. I thought maybe you hadn't had any turkey for Thanksgiving, Leo."

Leo shrugged, feeling embarrassed by the awkward situation. He had eaten turkey, but Hazel could not know that. He braced himself, wanting to get it over quickly.

"Hazel, you know we have to talk."

She turned. "I know,” she said softly as she stirred the sauce. “Go to the cellar to look for a Riesling. Wine helps when talking, and soothes one's spirits."

Leonardo nodded. The worst was done. Raph, in sending the text, had facilitated the task of speaking to his wife. He went down to the cellar and fetched a bottle. Hazel had finished cooking and had set the table. She'd used their finest dinnerware, with hand-painted gold, which had been a wedding gift from his father and never used. Leonardo thought about Raph’s blue ones, which the fireman has been so excited to show him. Raph had bought it for Leo only, running errands all day to find something with Leo’s style and taste. Hazel would only buy something that suited the dinner room.

But she had made her turkey, and even if he was not hungry and it was weird to eat what someone you were hurting had made for you, he had to eat it, out of respect; all while telling her that he did not love her anymore.

Leo's insides twisting in unease, he began.

"You didn't have to go to this much trouble, Hazel. You must have gotten back early today. I'm sorry. If I had known, I'd have been home sooner."

He thought of Raph, who had tried to stop him from leaving and was glad, for once, to have had the balls to says no.

"I arrived around ten a.m., but I suspected that you were not home. I did the grocery shopping, got back around two and started cooking." There was a moment of silence that the woman broke. "Do you know what I bought?"

Leo took his glass of wine and shrugged his shoulders. He was not feeling the casual conversation, but he did not want to be brutal either. "I don't know, the skirt?"

"Yes," Hazel said slowly. "And a few other fashionable items that are sexier than my other clothes."

"Hazel," Leo began, guessing where the conversation was going.

She was taking it wrong and it was not even about the clothes. He had thought about it all weekend, and now she was there, he was even more positive. Maybe he was more attracted to men, maybe even he was gay, period.

She continued, without seeming to notice his interruption. "I went to the sex shop. I had never been there before and I was amazed at the variety of items that I found there. I bought a few things and a movie. With, you know, two boys and a girl."

Leo flushed, and he pushed away his plate, trying to get up, but she prevented him, holding his fake arm.

"That's not all. I went to a specialized travel agency and got information about a swingers cruise, but since I was not sure how you felt about swinging and it was expensive, I booked something for next weekend instead. Safer. It's a resort near the ocean, in New-Jersey. Each couple has their own cottage. We can stay alone or go to the common rooms. The chalets each have themes. I was not certain of your tastes. I chose the medieval one. It is versatile because it has to be romantic or a kind of dungeon, in case that you were into… BDSM."

Leo's eyes almost popped out of their sockets. He couldn't believe what she'd said.

"Hazel, why? We do not need that!" he exclaimed, shocked.

That his wife had been so out of her modest nature to please him, bewildered him. He had never, in any case, considered swinging. He did not even understand how Hazel had thought about it. She must have been desperate. But the fact she suggested he was into BDSM, but was not sure was proving something. In so many years, she did not know him at all.

"Maybe yes. You want to divorce me. I see no reason, except for the sex. I believe that before we end a nine-year relationship, we should give it one last go and try to fix things,” she insisted. “You know what else I bought from the sex shop?"

Leo shook his head, managing to stand up and walking away from the table.

"No. It's futile You can't pretend. It's not you!"

Hazel suddenly stood up, lifting her skirt and revealing a kind of harness, with a hole in the center, where her shaved pussy was a…

"It's a strap-on. I bought a dildo to put in it. Very realistic. For you."

Leo, flushed, abruptly leave the kitchen to go upstairs.

"I hope you didn't get that dildo out of the package, because you won’t be using it with me. It's too late for that, Hazel."

Hazel's walnut eyes filled with tears and she choked out, "Why is it too late? You gave me one warning, leaving me no explanation and no time to resolve anything, and it's already too late? I didn't deserve such a hasty condemnation."

There were tears. Leo had prepared for it, but seeing his wife's exquisite face, and tears running down her cheeks, hurt him and he stopped in mid-staircase.

"Hazel, it's not you. It's me. I am sterile. I'm almost disabled now. Except for the money, I'm no longer good for anything. If you find another man, you’ll have a chance to become pregnant..."

She looked up at him, her eyes red-rimmed.

"Leo, I promise you. I feel that maybe this time, I could be pregnant." Seeing her exasperated husband's expression, because he'd heard it numerous times, she added, "But if I am not, I will give up and if you still agree, we will adopt. If not, so be it."

Leo held his breath. Hazel, to keep him, had given up becoming a mother, just like Raphael had stopped taking drugs. It was a huge sacrifice for her, he could tell.

She said gently, "I don't want to push you, but I'm only for you to postpone your decision for one week. If the weekend fails, I'll accept the divorce, unless I'm pregnant. In that case, I hope you will accept your responsibilities."

Leo nodded, still standing in the staircase. It had been the agreement from the beginning. If Hazel was pregnant, he would stay. Raphael knew and had accepted that.

"To save our nine-year relationship, I ask you this, Leo. Just a week. It's seven p.m. Give me until next Sunday at nine p.m."

She saw how reluctant he was and she sighed.

“Please, give me at least a chance. Be at home a little more this week. I want to let you breathe, if you need it but, please, don't avoid me."

Leo nodded again, accepting. It would be a trial with Raph. His lover was so fiercely possessive and his jealousy easily flared up. He would be mad to not have Leo at his side, each night, but Raph had to understand that it was for the sake of their future. And this time, he meant to stay honest and faithful. He wouldn’t ever cheat on his lover again, whether Hazel cried him a river or not.

By each of her words, Hazel was making his decision to divorce firmer. He had to warn her that he wouldn’t have sex with her ever again, and then, she would choose another place to have this talk.

“I can go with you, but I don’t intend to have sex with you, anymore. Perhaps a neutral place will allow us to better discuss this. But I don’t believe that a place like what you have chosen, with sex all over the place, is necessary for this discussion. I’m willing to go away for a weekend but chose a more serious place."

Hazel’s lip trembled and she joined her hands, pleading.

"Please, Leo, trust me in this. It’s my only condition. I want to try this place," she begged. “I won’t ask you anything else, and won’t cause any difficulty if I’m still not pregnant and you are positively done with me.”

Her eyes misted by tears, her quivering voice, her face expressing so much sorrow had reason of Leonardo’s will.

He sighed. "Okay."

He had no good reason to refuse. What Hazel was asking was fair. Divorce proceedings would be facilitated if Hazel could not deny that Leo had also tried. In doing all these things today, she had tried.

He couldn’t refuse to make an effort, but Raph was going to be so pissed. Leo just hoped that his lover wouldn’t ever know where Leo was about to spend a weekend with his wife.


	18. Art by Alessandra!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 18 (long af), is on beta, but here so amazing art for you by the lovely AlessandraDC. Readers complained that Ma disturbed them making-out, so here you go!


	19. The War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you see the amazing picture of chapter 18? If not, go see it!

Raphael realized the hell he'd fallen into about ten minutes after Leo's departure.

His boyfriend had gone home to his wife, a woman Raph knew absolutely nothing about. He knew she wasn't giving Leonardo what he needed, but did that mean she would take a back seat without saying a word?

Leo's brother, the mad scientist, seemed furious at the announcement of a separation. If Donatello and the wife teamed up against him, what would happen? Perhaps, his lover's wife was on a seductive mission right now, trying to convince Leo to abandon his idea of divorce by seducing him.

Even Raphael, who had only been with the policeman for two months, knew how to make Leo's will collapse like a house of cards. Leo's wife had been by his side for many years, and had to know all his weak points, even those Raph had not yet discovered. She was going to use that knowledge and her damn official position against him. She was home with Leonardo and would legitimately spend the night with him, in the same bed.

This idea made Raphael want to tear his hair out. He was so incensed thinking about another’s body so close to his boyfriend’s. Would Leo sleep on the sofa? Maybe. Raph hoped madly he would, but how could he be certain of it?

But the more he reflected on things, the more he doubted. Leo's wife wouldn't leave her husband alone. She'd begged him to sleep with her and she would lie down beside him and look at the tattoo on his shoulder blade, which was made only for Raphael's eyes. She would touch it, run her hand over the bruised skin and ask him why he got a tattoo. Leo would mumble some bullshit and she would believe it. Then she would tell herself, ‘Oh my poor husband is still suffering from the traumatic event. This has nothing to do with my dry vagina. He’s been mentally unstable since the incident.’

Raphael ground his teeth and thought about the doctor, who believed Leo was suicidal. It was nonsense, of course.

Leo was happy with him. When they'd jogged, they had laughed together the entire time. Leo was the healthiest and most balanced person Raph knew. He had no vices, except for sex, if it could be considered one and Raphael didn't think so. Leo was, in bed, an inventive sexual partner, with the drive of a Master and the stamina of a motherfucking decathlon athlete.

The black man had never had such a passionate and strong lover, who focused solely on his partner's pleasure. Leo was always horny and didn't care about the pain, nor did he judge Raph's fetishes, having his own borderline fantasies.

Perhaps a middle-aged woman, who worked with mummies all day long would find Leo too kinky to be a normal husband, but for Raph it was proof that Leo was well, both physically and mentally. He vented in bed, like Raph was doing in the gym; it was a normal and sane way to cop after the trauma he had endured.

There was nothing wrong with his boyfriend. Leo would have no reason to be stressed if he was divorced. Leo could live at Raph’s apartment, which was so close to his job, and leave the house to his ex-wife, or they could sell it. Then, in the spring, he and Leo might look for a somewhat larger apartment. Leo had to have a lot of stuff, and how would it be stored?

Raphael was trying to fill his mind with positive things, and how it would be nice to live with Leo on a daily basis, but each time, he couldn’t help himself and ended up picturing Leo bending a female body over a counter. Raph tried not to think about this, but he was unable and his anxiety was growing.

Leo had been gone for fifty minutes and had to be at home by now. Was his wife there too and was she trying to fucking kiss him?

He turned over in the bed and growled in rage at the idea. Then he picked up the navy boxers and sniffed them. Masturbating would calm him down. He grabbed his cock and began to pump it, imagining his lover leaning over him, but he couldn’t reach orgasm.

Exasperated, he stood up and started pacing. Two hours now since Leo had left. Smoking some weed would have done him good, but he had none of that at home anymore, because he'd promised Leo he wouldn't do drugs, as the stupid in-love dork he was.

He could make a call to get some, to cheat, and in Leo’s absence, what he did not know, wouldn’t hurt him but that didn't appease him. On the contrary. This meant Leonardo could do the same thing, cheat and fuck his wife. It would be so easy for him, because lovemaking did not show any lasting effects.

If Leo come back all of sudden, without calling, the smell, his red eyes or even just the way he talked, would betray Raph; while Leo could fuck his wife twice in a row, and simply flash a shining smile like on a toothpaste ad.

Mental images plagued Raph’s mind. He couldn't picture the woman, but the idea that Leo was looking at her lustfully, and giving her the same loving care Leo had given him, revolted him.

Leo was gay and so, his wife was a beard, damn it! A man could not suck a dick with so much enthusiasm and talent without being gay. Leo had no true interest in any women, let alone such a prudish woman.

A man like Leo, so high in the ranks of the NYPD, had to believe he was supposed to have a pretty wife at home, who baked apple pies and pruned roses between having her nails done, doing scrapbooking and aerobics as past times, because that was what was the conservative normal.

Leo deserved better than such an artificial and conformist life. His wife was stifling his potential happiness.

Three fucking hours now, since the asshole was gone.

He remembered Leo's words, that he should go out and do something. It was easy to say, as if he could just carry on like nothing was upsetting him, like he didn’t know his boyfriend was with his rival!

Bettering someone you didn't know was difficult.

Leonardo had remained very discreet about his wife and without April, Raph would never even known if the wife had a job. Leo didn't want to talk about her, remaining mysterious.

In any case, she was certainly not interesting. She must only be talking about her family, shopping, home staging and her appointments with the beautician. She probably didn’t even love Leo. She had married him for his career, his cash and because he was handsome. But, she could never love him like Raph did!

It was 8 pm now and Raph, despite his preoccupied mind, was hungry.

He didn't want to prepare a meal for himself though; eating without Leo, after sharing so many meals with him, was depressing. He decided he’d rather eat the leftover Chinese, and ate it cold from the box. For dessert, he unwrapped a remaining fortune cookie. Nonchalantly, he broke it and read the message, ‘Know your enemy’.

He sprang up and grabbed his jacket. Leo wanted him to go out? He would. He would go to Leo's place and see what the gold-digger made him buy as a house. Maybe he would get a glimpse of the bitch through the window and see if Leo was keeping his promise.

\----

Leo helped Hazel do the dishes and wiped them dry.

"Where did you get the idea of swinging?" Leo asked. "It's not you. I don't need multiple partners. And I don't want anyone else touching you either."

His wife looked at him. "Why would you be jealous, if you don't think you will love me anymore, like you claim?"

Leo placed the towel down, exasperated.

"Hazel, that you might share a life with someone else after a divorce is fine. But no matter what I feel, I would not be able to see another man giving you pleasure, when you are still legally my wife."

"And what about a woman?" she asked with curiosity.

That idea was slightly less odious, but Hazel wasn't attracted to girls, so Leo remained firm.

"I dislike this idea, Hazel. Can we stay here instead? Or go somewhere else?" He sighed.

"No. I really want to, but we don't have to have anything to do with other people if you don't want to. There are seminars I would like to attend, about how to have a great sex life," she replied, deadly serious.

Leo barely retained his exasperation. His sex life was great, but he could not tell her.

The truth was that, although he loved Raphael, he was too possessive to share his wife with a stranger. A threesome with him, Raphael, and Hazel was pure fantasy and bearable, because he knew Raphael would never touch his wife, not attracted at all to woman. On the other side, the fireman was not Hazel’s type. They would haves both only been there solely for Leo’s pleasure. It was indeed the only sharing he could bear, but he know it was unfair and it would be greedy to wish for it.

Anyway, he told himself, looking quickly to Hazel again, he was not attracted to her anymore. And besides, he had sworn his faith to Raphael.

Thinking about his lover once more, made his head pound and he opened the drawer of his bedside table to take some pills. Lately, he'd been taking aspirins as though they were candy.

It was 8:30 pm and tomorrow would be the beginning of a long week with Karai. Leo was exhausted. He and Raph had had sex at least twenty times in four days and every time had been mind-blowing. But next weekend he had to listen to seminars on how to spice up his sex life.

Shit!

He even played an incestuous role-play with his lover, on Friday night. With a willing and passionate partner, everything was possible. He didn't need advice on the subject. Hazel couldn't understand that, because she has always been caring, but never passionate.

Leo’s mother might have been gone too soon, but that didn’t mean he was looking for a mother figure in his relationship. Leo itched for something that he could fight with and have hardcore make-up sex sessions with, a lover who he could think about, feeling warm all over to the point of feeling like steaming. No fight was possible with Hazel, and outside of their bed, he realized he’d never had an erection for her. It was indeed a meaningful sign.  
She wanted to show him the place's flyer, which was on her bedside table, but he refused and said it didn't interest him. It was Hazel's condition, and that was all that mattered. Then, he told her he wouldn't have sex with anyone, meaning Hazel too, although he didn't say her directly.

Raph was suffering more than him, depriving himself of weed and coke. His will would be as strong as his lover's. He could afford a week without sex, and anyway, he will find a way to sneak away and find Raph.

"I'm going to bed. I’m tired,” he told her. “Thank you for the meal."

Hazel nodded, looking a little anxious. "I will finish putting the rest of the meal in the fridge and will join you."

Leo had a moment's hesitation. Sharing a bed with the woman he thought he was divorcing was strange, but he only had to do it on an ordinary Sunday and there would be no sexual intercourse. Hazel might read a chapter of a novel in bed and sleep on her side.

He hoped she didn't seriously think of using the dildo on him. Hazel with a dick, excited him even less. She obviously didn't know him. She had never asked about his relationship and what he'd done sexually with Usagi. Leo preferred being top dog.

He didn't mind switching too much with Raph, because seeing the black man focusing on giving him pleasure with powerful thrusts, and a happy and lustful face, was a huge turn-on. Raph was an impressive man, he was strong and so male; and more importantly, Leo trusted him. Bottoming for Raph wasn't submission, but a precious gift to him, cherished by the fireman. And, with Raph, Leo was on top more than 80% of the time.

Never would Leo lift his rear for silicone dildo, even less one his wife wore. He knew, if they tried, Hazel would pretend to appreciate it, while holding back her disgust or dismay. Anyway, even to please his wife and spare her feelings, he wouldn't be able to pretend to like that either.

Hazel, despite being with him from a long time, didn't know him sexually, less than Raphael did certainly.

There were two guest rooms on the first floor of their house, in addition to the nursery on the second. Leo could still sleep in any of the guest rooms on the first floor, but his wife had asked him not to avoid her. He had promised he would not do that.

He went upstairs and had a long shower, taking care of his tattoo. He ran his fingers over the marked flesh. Did Raph do the same when he thought of him? He bit his lip. His lover would be furious not to see him since the weekend. This week was the last four-day week.

Hazel had received a three-week medical leave from Donatello again. Hazel had had three weeks already in September and then she had taken weeks of vacation to care for Leo. It was to be believed that everyone was on medical leave since the attacks. So Hazel, not working, had planned for them to leave on Thursday night.

It was fair. He had spent Thursday evening to Sunday night with Raph and would do the same for his wife, but still, the fireman would be angry.

Naturally, Leo wouldn't tell him the nature of the place he would be staying with Hazel. God knows how his impulsive boyfriend would react. That would worry his Raphael for nothing, because he didn't intend to participate in anything anyway, and Raph already had enough stress, struggle and issues without worrying for nothing.

Thinking about Raphael make him hard in one minute and Leonardo pumped his cock with energetic strokes to come quickly, not wanting to be caught naked and jerking off by Hazel. She would think that he was maybe eager for the weekend and he didn't want any misunderstanding.

He hated wearing clothes to sleep, but to sleep naked or even only in boxers, would send a wrong message to Hazel. He, therefore, opted to wear his sports pants.

He looked out of the window. Its view was in the direction of Raphael's apartment, two miles away. He thought briefly of changing the destination of his jog the next day. Prospect Park was usually his favorite place to jog. Perhaps he could text Raph and suggest they jog together every morning, but that would mean Raph would have to get up at five o'clock and Leo didn't want to unnecessarily prolong Raph's waking hours. He already had a tough time managing his free time.

What was his lover doing now? Was he drinking? It was time Raph worked again, so he would be more independent, even on part-time basis.

Lost in his thoughts, Leo did not see Hazel coming behind him and he jumped when she touched his bruised shoulder.

"This day has changed everything, hasn't it?"

Sadly, the policeman replied that it had changed something for everyone in the country. Hazel didn't question the tattoo's meaning any longer and Leo turned around. He saw that she was naked and closed the curtains.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

Hazel, unlike him, wore clothes at night, especially vintage baby-dolls; she only went naked when she wanted sex. It was obvious Hazel wanted sex, but she didn't answer. He turned off the light and lay down in bed, his back to her.

"Good Night, Hazel."

She slipped under the covers and asked in a soft voice, "Don't you want me to touch you?"

"It is not necessary, Hazel."

He pretended to fall asleep and so did not hear his wife's sigh and whining.

\-----

Raph was standing in front of the house. He had parked his motorcycle on Coney Island Avenue, a few minutes walk away.

Leo's street was fairly well lit, but he had trouble reading the addresses. Leo's car guided him. Although there was a garage, Leo's car was in the driveway. Surely Leo's witch had her own parked in the garage. It was the address, 277. He did not have to check it again on the paper sheet. He had memorized it, since he had searched in Leo’s wallet.

Raph took a few minutes to study the house.

It was a large house, built in the early 1920’s and made to house a couple and their children. From the little he could see, the house looked well-maintained, but he couldn't see himself living there with Leo. Everything breathed the average American family ideal, with three children and a Golden Retriever, in a white and heterosexual neighborhood.

Cautious, he avoided staying under the lamp post and turned to go look at the illuminated window. Then, he saw her. The bitch.

She was removing the plates from the table, grabbing what looked like a tray with leftover turkey. She was wearing a pale blush-pink top with a black skirt, which looked like leather. He frowned. He had imagined Leo's wife wearing a old-fashioned baby blue crinoline. She had dark brown hair with caramel skin and Raph thought she probably sun tanned in cabin like girly-woman did.

Narrowing his eyes, he studied at her sharply, like she was an enemy army, about to invade his town.

He wasn’t sure about her age, because of her serious expression, and also because he had never given a shit about any woman except for his Ma, April, or his boss, Angel; but she was around Leo’s age. She had a long neck and long limbs, and almond-shaped eyes, like Leo himself, but hers appeared pitch black. She looked like a ballerina, thin and with flat breasts, and so could be fine for man not into big boobs. She seemed to have narrow hips too; he sneered that she was not built to bear babies anyway and that it was unlikely she was pregnant.

Then, he looked to her surroundings.

The dining room was original, with its ancestral woodwork, but behind it, Raph saw a modern and open plan kitchen, like those seen in an IKEA magazine. Raph bit his lips in envy. His own kitchen must seem shabby to Leo, if he was used to living this way. And although he wasn't attracted to women, Raph could admit the bitch was pretty.

Like Raph had imagined, Leo had a lovely house, a pretty wife and an amazing life. At this point, the black man was about to turn his back on this dream. Leo was playing in the major league, and Raph could not compete in this lover’s game.

He was already walking away, but a voice in his mind screamed to him to not leave the table yet. He still had a hand in the game. The policeman loved him and was ready to sacrifice everything for him, even his cute wife.

Raphael watched her bend over to put the turkey in the fridge and with a victorious smile he noticed that she had a flat ass. Leonardo loved his ass, complimenting him about it daily, squeezing his rounds buttocks, or slapping them when he was in a horny mood. She couldn't compete with him on this level.

But he already knew that sexually, Leo preferred him. However, it was not enough to comfort him. He wanted to be more to his boyfriend than a good fuck.

Where was his lover?

He looked at the woman and saw her features changing. With a determined expression on her face he saw her leave the kitchen and go upstairs. Raph hadn't liked the expression at all and, alarmed, he tried to go around the other side of the house and see what was going on.

In an opposite window, on the top floor, he saw Leo's silhouette looking out of the window. Leo looked out, but not down, but Raph still cautiously leaned over the cedar hedge, hoping he wouldn't be seen. Leo was bare-chested, but Raph couldn't tell if he was wearing pants, because of the height of the window, stopping at Leo’s navel.

Leo looked serious, but it meant nothing, Raph thought in a frenzy. It could be a roleplay before wild sex.

Then, Raph saw the woman behind his lover, so close to Leo. And, enraged, he noticed that the woman's breasts were uncovered and touching his boyfriend's back, as she looked at him lustfully.

He thought furiously that she was too fucking close and Leonardo was his, not hers, not anymore, and that this player, Leonardo, should shove her away. But Leo turned and quickly closed the curtains.

Raph could barely think, knowing his lover’s habit of closing the curtains before sex. His rage was so intense he felt ignited. He almost rushed to the front door, wanting to kick it down and smash in the pretty cheater's face.

The light went out and Raph thought he was losing his mind.

There, right in front of him, Leo was there too and was maybe going to kiss the woman, pressing her narrow body against his muscular one. Maybe not, he thought, trying to calm down. Leo had looked like he was thinking about something and not like he was horny, and it could not be roleplay because Leo’s wife was frigid!

And Leo had promised today. Raph could not doubt his lover so quickly.

But, if his wife had cooked dinner and had dressed sexily, after so harsh a text, that meant one thing for sure, she had no intentions of giving Leo up.

Raph, despite his fury, could do nothing.

Knocking on the door and attacking Leo and the wife would only cause trouble. All he could do was trust Leo, despite the thought of doing nothing driving him crazy. Maybe Leo would have a good explanation, the next evening. But Raph wouldn't be able to question him; if Leo knew he was stalking him, he would be very angry. Forgiving the text message had already been difficult for the policeman.

He was going to wait. There was nothing else Raph could do.

\---

On Monday, Raphael waited by his phone. He didn't even shower, fearful he'd miss Leo's call. Finally, as Leo finished work, the phone finally rang.

"Hi, honey. Am I disturbing you?"

Raphael rolled his eyes at the absurdity of the question. He had waited all day for the call, and Leo, the motherfucking hypocrite, knew it. And he knew his so-called boyfriend well by now. Leo only called him by the cute pet name when he was feeling bad about something or wanted to coax Raph, the big idiot of a softie.

"What do ya think, moron? What's up? Are ya coming over?"

Raphael did not mind seeming eager or desperate like a teen anymore. It was just the way he felt, and he was absolutely unable to hide behind walls and composure, when this prick was already doing it, with so much success.

Leo sighed and Raph knew he wouldn’t be pleased by what the policeman was about to say.

"My father is coming to New York. He hasn't been here since August and is worried, because I didn't go to his place for Thanksgiving like I always do. He's 69 years old, and you know…"

Although Raph was disappointed, he simply sighed and assured him that he understood, to appease Leo's anxieties. It was a normal thing. Leo had ditched his father for him, after all.

"Raph, that's not all."

Raphael waited anxiously: what Leo was about to announce him? Their break-up? His panic struck so hard that he felt like he will shattered before Leo could even talk. But if Leo was done with him, Raph wouldn’t beg anymore. He would fuck-up his life, but begging again was out of the question. He was so done with all these up and downs, and the hot and cold, and this emotional rollercoaster, that he was almost ready to accept his fate. If they were over, he wanted Leo to remember him as a strong man.

Bracing himself, he said, in a bold voice, "Go ahead."

"I can't see you as much as I'd like this week."

It wasn't as bad as the breakup that Raphael had feared Leo would announce, but it hurt him all the same.

"Why?" the fireman man asked, upset.

He would have almost preferred Leo cut him down all the way. He had waited ready for a guillotine blade, but this needle hurted him like a bitch. Did Leo understand that this felt like an endless torture session?

"My father wants to meet me at a restaurant tonight and Hazel's organizing a family dinner tomorrow night. I don't want to go, but I don't want to upset my father. And Wednesday…"

"That's when ya see the lawyer, right?" Raphael asked eagerly, clinging to this hope. If Leo was saying yes, that he was going to see his lawyer on Wednesday, it wouldn’t be that bad. Raph would be able to take it.

"No. Not anymore,”Leo said cautiously. “The secretary called and asked questions. It's more complicated than we thought. I must buy a enrollment number and prove that things have been irreconcilable with Hazel for at least six months. If not, I can do it without a lawyer in the case of an incontestable divorce. We don't have children, so that may be possible. Hazel has promised she will not give me any difficulty if I agree to go on a weekend away with her. From this Thursday, until Sunday night," he added quickly.

"What the fuck?" Raphael yelled, all his self-control abating. "Forget it! Ya don't go away on a romantic weekend with her!"

Hazel. it was the name of this bitch. Such a stupid name.

"Raph," Leo began.

"No, no ‘Raph’. I don't care that yer busy. Bring yer prick ass back ta me now," Raphael snapped and hung up.

He watched through the window and even seeing his lover arrive three minutes later, didn't make him feel better. Just by the way Leo walked, Raphael could tell he was truly irritated, but he didn't give a damn. He was more fucking irated than this motherfucker! And he was right to be!

Raphael rushed to him as soon as Leo entered and shook him.

"There's nothin' ta add, Leo. Yer not goin'," Raphael yelled. "We don't care if she causes trouble for yer divorce! We will deal with it. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and ya promised ta come with me, you lying son of a bitch!"

Leo took his hand in his fake one and pressed a kiss on it.

"My love, I'm sorry, but I've got some good news. I thought about it last night and Donnie won't refuse. He will sign your medical papers so that you can return to work. Perhaps at four-day weeks, to start with, instead of five."

Raphael disengaged him from Leo, but cautiously. This fucker was always using his prosthesis, knowing how Raph, even mad as fuck as he was now, was caring about it, but after he shoved Leo away.

"I don't wanna fuckin' owe anythin' ta yer douchebag brother! I'm perfectly capable of goin' back ta work on my own," Raphael spat, his eyes blazing. "Ya think somethin' is wrong with me? I'm fuckin' fine, except for my boyfriend goin' on some honeymoon with a woman! Except for that, I'm peachy!"

Leo sighed, annoyed. "If you say so, but Raph, I understand it saddens you, but this week of absence is for the best for our future. And it's not a honeymoon."

This was taking the fucking damn cake!

"It doesn't sadden me, ya fucker. It fuckin' makes me mad. She'll seduce you and slip her ringed hands into yer pants. I know!" Raphael snarled, his golden eyes flashing in anger. “Yer such a damn horny, scumbag, motherfucking asshole, who only thinks with his little dick!”

"Raphael, that's enough,” Leo barked.

Raph sneered. Go figure that mocking Leo’s dick was the only way to make him lose his cool.

“I promised you that I would not do anything more than out of friendship with her,” Leo stated sternly. “I was able to remain friends with Usagi without the slightest thought. I can do the same with Hazel."

Leo voluntarily ignored the struggle he’d had with his feelings after his break-up with Usagi, and the longing he’d had for him for months after the break-up. Raph didn't need to know about that. The situation was already quite difficult. In any case, this was not the same thing. Leo had Raph, a beloved and passionate lover and he really had nothing to regret with Hazel.

"If you can't trust me, you can't love me," Leo concluded.

"Ya have already betrayed me more times than I can count!" Raph shouted, pacing back and forth. "Why would I believe ya, huh?"

"Like I do. I trust you enough not to search your body for drugs," Leo said coldly. "So, if that's all you have to say, I'll go. Or if you calm yourself, I can explain how its gonna work this week. I have thought of times when it would possible to see each other, while respecting my routine. But if every time, you’re going to bug me, I will stay at home. It’s only a week of restraint, Raph, I ask you."

Raphael hated everything about the situation. Leo wasn't tender nor inclined to sex. The policeman calculated, reflected how to lie, deceive and organize his extramarital escapades. He hated this cold aspect of his lover's personality, but it was all or nothing. Either Raph accepted his schedule and the fast proposed fucks a few times in the week or he could screw himself.

Slowly, without accepting, he said, "Go ahead."

Relieved, Leo explained. "We can jog together in the mornings. Take your bike and find me in the park at six am. On Tuesday, there's the karate class in the evening. We can go to the gym together and then there's nothing to stop me from taking thirty minutes after the family meal to make love to you. I'll find a way to see you on Wednesday, I swear. I may be unable to stay a long time, but maybe... two hours. We can eat together and make love."

Leo paused, hoping to convince Raphael that what he proposed wasn't so bad.

Raphael thought it would not be ‘ real lovemaking’ but rather a quick fuck to satisfy him, enough to stay mellow and satisfy Leo's needs. The policeman would look at the time non-stop, as a common whore making a lousy customer. Raphael was done feeling like he was just a fuck-toy or someone only deserving of a quick fuck.

"Then we can't see each other again until Sunday night, but..."

This bristle Raph again right away.

"No, Leo. I said ya wouldn't go there alone with her. I don't know where." He didn't add that it was to a place where he couldn't follow and spy on him, but he thought it. "Where did she plan ta take ya? A romantic place with rose petals on the bed, to reignite yer passion?" he snarled.

Raph was too close to the truth and it was worse than what he thought. Uncomfortable, Leo evaded the question "It's only three nights, darling. Be reasonable..."

Alarms echoed in Raphael's mind. He knew the policeman. The evasiveness proved there was something wrong, and tenfold if Leo was calling him ‘Darling’. Panic seized him.

"Three nights of sleepin' naked next ta her. Never! Ya will not go!" he yelled, stopped in his pacing by Leo’s hand snapping on his wrist, taking it in a iron grip.

"I don't have to ask you for permission, Raphael,” he growled. “I’m not lying. I love you. I promised I wouldn’t touch her and you will have to be satisfied with this promise, as I trust you with what you promised me. I may love you, but I won’t stay with someone who doubts me after an official deal."

Raph remembered the deal. They had signed it in cum, sweat and kisses, and it was not enough of an official deal for Raph’s liking, not after seeing Leo’s cutie in his Martha Stewart kitchen.

Suddenly, Raph had an idea.

"Okay. Yeah. Yer right! I remember our deal. I promised not ta do drugs, but I didn't promise ya that I wouldn't fuck someone else."

Leo turned pale and Raph knew that he had hit his boyfriend dead center. Leo, for a deceitful husband and an unfaithful lover, was a motherfucking jealous son-of-a-bitch. Never had Raphael met a person so possessive and he knew Leo was always holding back his possessiveness. His true nature only emerged during sex, revealing a person beyond jealousy.

Jealousy was a common issue for many people. Leo's jealousy, however, was on the path of madness and obsession. The policeman himself didn't realize it. During their lovemaking, he said words to Raph that a psychiatrist would find troubling. But Raph loved Leo as well. Was it an effect of September 11th? To flirt with dangerous partner, and feel more alive in the afterglow? Maybe. But he didn't give a shit about the reason. There was a more important matter at hand now. Like seeing Leo’s handsome face ashening.

The steel eyes took on a threatening look. "You wouldn’t dare. You are mine."

"It works two ways, Fearless. Ya leave with yer wife and I find a way ta warm my bed without ya," Raph said, faking indifference.

"You won’t do it. If I have to, I'll put a chastity device on you," Leo threatened, his face dark in rage. "I know it's just an odious blackmail. You wouldn't do that. You love me!"

The idea of the chastity device excited Raphael. That Leo wanted to lock him up, as a precious thing and was being so possessive, pleased him. Casey might say that Raph was completely crazy and controlled by an abuser, but Raph didn't care. No one could understand. Let them stay in their ordinary relationships with their ordinary partners. Raph left normality to others. They could keep it all. He preferred what he had with Leo, despite the fact that Leo was a controlling, stubborn and hypocritical bastard. And so cocky!

"I suppose ya will have ta wait and see," Raph replied with a false nonchalance, shrugging his shoulders, but secretly pleased to see Leo's panic.

Furious, and feeling the situation escape his control, which he already normally could not stand, Leo shoved Raph onto the couch, sticking his real hand's fingernails into Raphael's flesh.

"Do it and it's over," he hissed.

Raphael sneered. "Go with yer wife and it's over."

They began to fight, like two male cats wanting to appropriate an alley as their territory. As usual, violence turned into a steamy session of sex.

\----

"Yer a motherfucker psycho, ya know that, right, babe?" Raph said, wiping the blood from his lips and collarbone after their angry lovemaking.

Leo panted. He had never gotten so carried away before. He had fucked Raphael mercilessly, and that wasn't all, he realized, looking at his boyfriend.

There were other abuses, which he'd have been ashamed of, if Raph hadn't enjoyed it so much. He had been so incensed at the idea of his lover with another man, that he had just lost it. But he knew, just by looking at Raph’s dopey smile, that his lover was far from complaining. Raph had a thing for being treated and used like a dog’s bone, but Leo was not complaining either.

"You'll have that with no one else, you know that? Not the way you like it, Raph."

"And ya will never find a partner, who accepts yer dark side, as I do," the fireman said, still trying to catch his breath.

"That is true and that's why you don’t have to worry. I want to give this proof of goodwill to Hazel, in order to be fair and prevent her from making difficulties Then I am yours. I love you, Raph."

Raph did not answer. The brutal sex had exhausted them, leaving them mellow. He was still pissed at the idea, but he couldn’t handle Leo riled up for another round. Not quite yet.

"Shit!"Leo said. "I promised to be at the restaurant by six and my father has been waiting for me for thirty minutes! And I still have to shower!" he said.

Raph opened his eyes to look at his lover. Leo’s belly was stained with Raph’s jizz and he probably smelled of sex so strongly that even his wife, two-miles away, could smell it.

While Leo was in the shower, Raphael’s mind swirled away.

Raph wanted to go with Leo to the restaurant, meet Leo’s father and do things the right old-fashioned way, but he doubted he could walk straight... or walk at all. Definitely not sit in a restaurant. And, with his lip busted, the finger marks around his neck and the bites on his collarbone, it looked like he'd fallen into a lake of leeches; it was definitely not the right time.

For the first time, he loved that his black skin did a better job than Leo's pale complexion of hiding the bites and bruises.

"Will you be in the park tomorrow morning?" Leo asked, now in uniform in front of him.

"Yeah,” he said lazily. “And it's proof of my love for ya, because it's so fuckin' cold and my ass will be frozen. Ya will end up killin' me, babe. Fuckin' me ta death and askin' me ta get up so early ta run for ninety minutes."

"I know, my love. Thank you for loving me so much. And I love you just as deeply," Leo said and kissed him appreciatively.

After Leo had left, Raph thought he'd been cheated. He had wanted to coax Leo sexually and the opposite had happened. Like a good bitch, he had swallowed Leo's decision at the same time as his cum.

\-----

The rest of the week was the same. Raph took what Leo gave him.

On Tuesday, in the gym's locker room, Leo handed Raph a paper.

"I know you don’t want it, but Donnie wrote you a medical note. You can show it to your doctor on Friday. Don is very famous. His opinion will be regarded highly," his lover explained.

Raphael mumbled that for a policeman, Leo seemed remarkably comfortable with corruption, but Leo was not listening as he got dressed in his kimono. The black man was unhappy. He did not know why he had come to the gym. Leo attended the advanced karate course. They could only meet for a few minutes in the locker room, barely enough time to admire his boyfriend in his white kimono.

"Ya look like a bride," he muttered.

Leo tied the black belt with a mocking smile. "It's because you don’t see me in action,” he said. “I would be a terrifying bride, with my katana."

"I thought ya wanted ta do ninjutsu."

"My father showed me ninjitsu, but I was taking karate lessons in an official dojo at the same time. I was five. Practicing two combat arts at the same time is difficult for the body. When I was eighteen, I tried judo and ju-jitsu too, for more than a year each, but then I decided to focus on only one at a time."

"Yeah. Ya should apply this wise shit ta yer love life too," Raph snapped.

Leo frowned. "Raph, what is the matter?"

The stupid question pissed Raph off the most. This morning, while jogging Raph had wanted to know what Leo's wife had said to him after his return on Sunday. It was a question he had not had time to ask the day before. Leo had only vaguely told him his wife had only laid down the condition of the weekend.

Raph had asked for details, the wife's reaction, her attitude, had she cried? Leo had closed the subject, saying he didn't want to talk about it. That had alarmed him. Leo had vaguely talked about his meeting with his father too. This discretion seemed suspicious to the black man. He was frank and open with Leo now, that the cocaine was behind him. Why could Leo not be the same?

"Ya didn't tell me what resort yer goin' ta for yer incredible weekend," he snarled. When he saw Leo looking annoyed to hear the question again, he felt incredibly tempted to punch him. If this fucker has told the truth the first time, Raph would not ask again!

"Raph, it's near Atlantic City, by the ocean." Leo finished tying his belt with his 5th Dan embroidered on it, and added, "That's all you need to know."

It was bullshit, Raphael felt it to the core. Leo was hiding something from him, something fucking bad and serious.

"Raph, no matter where I go, it won’t change the feelings I have for you," Leo said, quietly now, with a loving smile, but this only make Raph’s anguish worse.

"So, tell me where it is!"

Leo sighed. "Raph, I swear. The flyers are at home. I'll bring you one tomorrow if you insist."

That had calmed Raph down. But after twenty minutes, unable to focus, he went back to the locker room.

Leo's karate classes lasted an hour and a half. He opened his locker and had a moment of inspiration. Leo's keys were there, daring him. There was a locksmith ten minutes away by car. Would he have time?

On impulse, he took his lover’s keys and ran out. On his motorcycle, he arrived seven minutes later in front of the shop.

He always wanted to go into his lover's home, to discover that part of life unknown to him, discover his tastes and touch his personal possessions. Knowing his rival better could always be useful to him too. Leonardo would not be there on the weekend and Raph would have the opportunity to search everywhere. If Leo didn't bring him the flyer, he could always look for it himself.

And by the time Leo come back from his karate class, Raph was sitting quietly in the locker room, smiling at his lover, the duplicate key in his pocket.

\---

On Wednesday morning, Leo didn't have the flyer, apologizing that he had been too caught up in his morning routine, and had not thought of it. And on that night after work, he could not make a detour to pick it up at home, because Hazel would ask questions.

That evening, Leo had left after three hours of sex, when he was only intending to be there for two hours.

"I have to leave, my love, but I promise you, when I come home on Sunday, everything will be different. I will be able to sleep with you each and every night and, without Karai, I can have my lunch with you a few times a week, if you don’t return to work right away."

Raph, full of hope, desperately wanted to believe it and had kissed him.

The next morning, during their morning jog, Raphael only asked, "What time do ya leave?" knowing better than antagonize Leo with question about this weekend.

"As soon as possible. We'll have dinner in Atlantic City at 8 pm."

Raph had thought that Atlantic City was a weird destination, from the first time Leo had mentioned it. Leo was not the kind to hang out in casinos, but he knew he'd eventually know, and that kept him patient.

At 9 pm on Thursday evening, Raph was in front Leo's vacant house, his heart pounding. He had waited impatiently until nine, so that he wouldn't meet Leo, in case his lover had forgot something, and for it to be dark. The neighbors would comfortably seated in front of the television and their kids in bed. Raph had free rein.

Worried, he turned the key in the lock and the door opened.

The house smelled good and clean. The first room he saw was the colonial-style living room with a large bookshelf. Interested, he looked at the book titles. He discovered many history, classical and philosophical books, but he didn't know which were Leo's and which were his wife's. The ‘Art of War’ seemed to be Leo's. With emotion, he looked at the few poetry books, thinking back to the haiku Leo had chosen for him at the beginning of their relationship.

Leo had a new high-tech shit DVD player, and some movies on DVD too. He looked at the titles. Matrix, Memento, Magnolia, The green line, Gladiator. He continued to the dining-room, feeling as though he was in the house of the Clue board game.

He was careful to put everything back in the place he found it. Leo's wife was perhaps a maniac, like the woman in Misery, who had noticed the displacement of a porcelain trinket. There were photos of the couple everywhere and seeing them together, smiling, made Raph sick with jealousy.

Then he went upstairs, passing the first floor and going directly to the second. He arrived in a room, simple, but vast, and it seemed to him that Leo's scent was still present. He opened the wardrobes and sniffed the pieces of male clothing. He went to the night table, not knowing which was Leo's. The first he chose was not the right one, obviously.

Among the romantic novels and the feminine night cream, he quickly noticed the prenatal vitamins and the strap-on. He questioned the presence of such an object, not able to picture a Leo sub to a dildo at all, but it was not what troubled him the most. The flyer was there, and the reasons Leo had not shown him were now obvious. Raphael was only able to read a few words, before he saw red, feeling like he was going to hyperventilate.

_‘Here the atmosphere is romantic and reconciliation is assured.’_

_‘The only bisexual place M/M on the east coast.’_

_‘Each chalet offers you the privacy you need to find the flame again. Our seminars are here to help you understand your desires and spice up your sex life.’_

_‘Try the Aphrodisiac menu, created by our in-house Chef’_

_‘If you’re feeling naughty, sex is even permitted in certain common areas of the couples-only hotel. Guests are also known to get kinky in the clothing-optional Nightclub and the adjacent Sin Room, which features circular beds and a sex swing.’_

_‘We offer a 'pleasure menu' that includes a Massage Bar for erotic massages, sex toys, blindfolds, bondage tape, and other kinky features.’_

_‘For the Masters and Slaves, three fully equipped dungeons are available.’_

_‘Condoms are offered free of charge and are unlimited.’_

There was no possible mistake, the location being thirty minutes from Atlantic City. This was the place where Leo supposedly was now, hand-in-hand with his wife, gazing into each other's eyes, before a night of hot sex.

He knew the policeman, lust was Leo’s weakness. To plunge him into a place thus, like this dungeon, where Leo could leach out all his dominant character, would be like locking a bull in a completely scarlet room. He understood now why Leo had hidden this information from him, because if he'd known, Leo wouldn't have left for New Jersey. Raph would have nailed him to his bedroom wall.

If Leo didn't fuck his wife, as agreed, he would fuck someone else and worse, several other people, only promising not to fuck Hazel. Raphael, in his naive innocence, had only made Leo swear not to touch his spouse. He hadn't believed that Leo would have the opportunity to have another sexual partner, other than his wife and himself. The fireman could laugh at Leo's jealousy but the truth was that his possessiveness was a match for Leo's.

Since Hazel couldn't offer satisfactory sex to her husband, she wanted to offer substitutes of both sex? Leo's wife wanted to play naughty? He would play naughty too.

Raphael took the picture in the silver frame from Leo’s wife’s night table, which featured a smiling Leo at his wedding. He pulled the picture out of the frame and tore off the part with his wife in it, only keeping the part with his so-called boyfriend in hand.

Leo was gorgeous, smiling, dressed in a tuxedo, his blue-steel eyes shining, hair carefully combed. He was so young and had two arms. So handsome. Such a cheater.

He unfastened his jeans and pulled out his cock. Slowly stroking it, his cock growing erect.

Raphael thought about what he would do to Leo the next time he saw him. Pumping his dick and picturing it, he came violently, spraying his essence, in pearly ribbons, onto the navy-blue bedspread. He knew he wasn't acting any differently from an animal marking his territory in the wild, but he didn't care.

Leo was his.

The bedspread covered with his cum, Raph wasn't yet relieved. It wasn't enough for all the negative emotions he felt. His first instinct was to express his fury to Leonardo. He pulled out his cell phone, wanting to text that lying son of a bitch.

As soon as he sent the message, a sound of vibration caught his attention, coming from the other nightstand. Leo's cell phone was there, thus removing any possibility for Raph to be able to contact his lover.

He roared with rage, took the cellphone and threw it on the wall.

Then, he pulled the night table drawer, out of anger, looking for he don’t even know what, wanting to see what more Leo could be hiding from him.

The contents of Leo's drawer were very different from his wife’s. There was a revolver, aspirins, sleeping pills, and a book of Shakespeare's plays. Without any reason, he took the revolver, thinking almost to shoot all the pictures of Leo and his wife in the house. He needed an outlet before he exploded. He should destroy and ravage, to make everything as tattered as his heart. But he didn't rip the Shakespeare book, for, despite his wrath, he loved Leo too much to destroy what was his.

All this was the fault of this bitch, the witch of Leo's wife.

Raphael lost the sense of reality for a moment. Self-restraint, prudence, were words of which he couldn't have explained the meaning of at that moment. He didn't give a shit about that crap, anymore.

He opened the wardrobe and tore off Hazel's clothes. Pulling with all his strength to tear the fabric. He emptied the wardrobe of its contents, leaving the female’s clothes damaged, scattered on the ground, not touching Leo’s all blue or grey shirts.

He gave a roar of victory.

Preserved in a protective plastic wrap, was Hazel’s precious wedding dress, a marvel of gothic lace and exquisite silk. His first thought was to tear the delicate dress, then he had another idea. Laying it out on the bed, stained with his stinky sperm, he pulled his cock out of his pants again, and pissed on the dress, his face split with a big smile seeing the yellow urine permeating the white silk, irremediably lost.

He knew he was leaving his genetic mark everywhere, he wasn't that dumb. But Leo, no doubt, would never push for an investigation. Leo was the responsible for the precinct, an oh so honorable man. The new deputy inspector couldn't unveil to everyone that he’d had a love affair with a man, who, tired of being deceived, had ransacked his house and pissed on his wife’s wedding dress.

Anyway, he did not care about acting like a caveman or being arrested. He didn't give a damn about anything, now.

It was war.


	20. The broken oathes

The havoc of Hazel's wardrobe wasn't enough. Raph was choking on his anger, he was foaming at the mouth, he had to do something.

He could continue the wreck her belongings, but suddenly a flash of sense came back to Raphael and he looked around him. Destroying everything wasn't a solution, despite the temporary appeasement of his suffering. Leo was going to be furious. And although he hated him now, he knew this hatred was due only to a surplus of love, which would be back full force by Sunday.

But he couldn't remain inactive either. He had to do something or he would end up going crazy.

Then, the solution struck him.

He was going to join Leo and confront him.

To the hell with his wife! Raph would tell her the truth. Knowing she had been cheated on, and worse, cheated on with a man, the bitch would leave by herself. Yes, it was a good plan.

The flyer in hand, he called the resort to make a reservation.

But after five minutes on the phone, Raphael, annoyed and still angry, hung up abruptly. In addition to the price being far too expensive for him, at $650 per couple, for a single damn night, he also had to be accompanied by a man or woman. No single man was admitted on the site. It was a huge bump on the road.

Then, his imagination showed him a Leo, burning with jealousy when faced a Raph accompanied by another man, younger, more handsome, more athletic than Leo himself. And with two arms.

Yes, it was a good plan, he thought, sneering, and feeling better at the idea to make Leo suffer.

Finding a man willing to accompany him as cover had to be possible. Raphael knew he was an attractive man. He had never struggled to find a partner in the past, when he was horny. Today wouldn’t be any different.

The price was much more concerning to him.

The receptionist had explained to him that the meals were included in the price, except for alcohol, as well as all the amenities at the hotel. Gym, indoor pool, spa, disco, billiards. In the summer, there was even a tennis court and access to the nudist beach. Not to mention the many kinky rooms where he could realize all sorts of possible fantasies.

So, finding someone who would want to eat and fuck for free had to be possible.

The receptionist told him about the seminars, ‘Bondage for Dummies’ or ‘Role-play for Dummies’, but Raph had hung up, not interested. As for Leo, he could be the speaker of the presentation ‘Spanking, advanced level’; or he thought, gritting his teeth, ‘How to hide your double life as a motherfucking professional player, for gifted students.’ There was, however, no chance of Leo listening to someone giving sexual advice, while his own sex life was crazy as fuck.

Raph left the house, determined to find a way to join Leo. Why had this bitch chosen such an expensive place? She didn't give a damn about the expense, because its was her husband’s money.

Yeah, Leo was a wealthy son of bitch, but Raph was broke. If he spent $650 for a night, he wouldn't be able to pay his rent. Borrowing money from Casey had to be possible. Casey, as a mechanic, didn't make tons of cash, but living with April, his expenses were less than Raph’s. He could borrow $500 from his brother and pay the rest himself, even if he had to eat pasta for three weeks straight.

He didn't know if he would have the patience to wait till the next day. It was already gone 10pm. Even omitting his need to find a partner and cash, he wouldn't be there before midnight, no matter if he was speeding on his bike.

At this hour, Leo would surely be in a room, his hard cock being sucked by a man or a woman kneeling at his feet.

The image, too precise, too vivid, made him howl inside. He couldn't face it. Not sober. He had promised Leo not to take any more cocaine, but that was too much. Anyway, Leo had played him and lied to him. Leo had broken his word, going to this place, being stroked and kissed by an army of strangers.

All this shit was Leo’s fault.

Without Leo, he would never have tried cocaine. He had never felt the urge to take hard drugs before. If the policeman had left his wife and was currently in bed with him, Raph wouldn't be out crying, and about to text his drug dealer.

Before leaving the day before, Leo had left him a $100 banknote. He had said nothing to Raph, discreetly depositing the bank-bill on the table, when the black man wasn't looking.

Raph hadn't intended to use his boyfriend's cash at first; he hated feeling like a gigolo and taking advantage of his boyfriend, like that witch probably did. Leo, of course, only wanted to make sure Raph wouldn’t need for anything during his three-day absence. The fucker had to wanted to give himself a good conscience, thus paying to have meals delivered for his lover.

Well, Raph did indeed need something.

He went back to his house and picked up the banknote. Leo, in addition, had emptied his pockets of coins every day, putting it in a bowl in the kitchen. Raph had never bothered looking at it, but now he didn't give a damn, becoming desperate, counting even the pennies. Nobody could see it.

There was only $23.75, but it would pay for some of the gas for his bike. Raph, since he hadn't taken cocaine for too long, had only been using about a gram per day before stopping. But he felt this time it wouldn't be enough to fill the tear in his being. He would need two grams per day, minimum, and perhaps, if he had some nose candy to share, finding a partner to go out there would be easier.

The $100 would pay for five grams, but he decided that for a weekend of horror like the one that was coming, he needed at least ten. He would rather have too much, than not enough.

He had received his allowance today, but the amount didn't allow him fantasies. But he didn't care. He went out again, and to the ATM. He withdrew $400 from his bank account, to add to the $123.75 from Leo and split it up a. $150 to put with the $500 he would borrow from Casey, to have access to the resort. $240 for the drugs and $100 for flirting at Dusty's right fucking now and the rest for the gas. It was almost a quarter of his monthly income, before he returned to work, but without Leo all the rest was meaningless.

Then he thought about it. Tomorrow was his medical appointment for his return to work, at 5pm. He had taken the slot at this late hour so that Leo would be available to go with him. If he didn't show up, his return to work could be postponed or worse, he could lose his job. Angel liked him, but at this point, he wasn't too sure. In addition, losing his job would make a bad impression on Leo's family and on Leo himself.

Anyway, would he ever see Leo's father?

In a flash, he remembered he had already wrecked Leo’s house. If he lost his job, Leo would be done with him for sure. But, if he don’t go there, to the resort, the bitch, Hazel, could steal Leo for good.

Raph couldn't think clearly, thoughts clashing painfully in his head. In his fragile position, he needed to make the right decision at the right moment, but he was not as clever as Leo could be. He had always thought with his heart or his gut, and both were only screaming in pain.

He met the dealer, went to the seven-eleven toilet and made himself two three-inch rails on the toilet lid, with his driver license. He tightly roll up a $20 bill and snorted the first rail. He sniffed hard to get the power all the way up into his nose, eager to feel some relief as soon as possible.

He poured tap water and dipped his fingertips to snort some of it, to help with the dryness. And, immediately he began again, snorting the second rail with his other nostril. Then he used his license card to clean up any left over, using it to make one last tiny line, and he sucked that too.

Afterwards, he felt numb.

He didn't know what to do in first. Go see Casey to borrow the money? Go find a nice new fuck-friend to make Leo mad with jealousy?

Raph checked his nose, to avoid keeping some traces of white powder.

He had to go to Casey first. It was near midnight. Casey had to be sleeping or getting ready to go to bed, as he would be working at 8am the next day. The boy-toy could wait until later. The later he arrived at Dusty's, the more drunk and desperate the guys there would be anyway, and so more eager to follow him.

Thankfully, Casey lived nearby and, five minutes later, rubbing his sensitive nose, he rang at Casey's door. His confused mind, which only played scattered images of Leo stroking, licking, kissing, fucking another body with powerful thrusts, hadn't planned a speech to ask to borrow the money.

"Case, I need cash, 500 bucks at least," Raph blurted out in a rush, without thinking, when Casey opened the door, sleepy and in his pjs.

Casey looked a little astonished.

"What the fuck, man? I don't have that much money on me."

"No problem, come with me, we'll go to the ATM." In his passion, Raph grabbed his brother's arm and pulled him out.

Casey pulled away, furious. "Why don’t you borrow that money from your boyfriend? He makes $100,000 more a year than I do!"

Raph hadn't foreseen this legitimate question. "He's not here, he's in Atlantic City, and I want to join him," he explained in a hurry, still trying to grab him, and so, getting closer.

Casey looked at his brother's dilated pupils and his agitation and did the math in his head.

"Fuck, no, Raph,” he snarled, mad, “this man brings you nothing but shit! What the fuck is he doing there without you anyway? If he had wanted you to go, he would have invited you! Since this guy has entered in your life, you’ve been a wreck!"

Raph managed to grab him by the sleeve. "Ya don't understand shit!” he yelled. “It’s not him! It's because of his damn wife!” Raph was now too desperate to watch his words. Anyway, this secret had been eating him for too long. ”To accept the divorce, she asked for a weekend with him first, but she planned a sexy thing and Leo..."

Incredulous, Casey asked, "You mean this Leo guy is married? To a woman? You fucked with a married man? What a colossal asshole!” he finished, riled up.

Raphael didn't want to hear his brother's judgments and even if he was himself mad at his lover, he still wanted his family to keep a good image of him. So, he tried to defend his boyfriend, even with this heartache.

"That's why Leo didn't want to go to the museum. His wife is yer girlfriend's boss. But he loves me and promises me to divorce her," he quickly explained, "Now ya know everything, give me the cash."

Coldly, Casey straightened up, when the revelation sank in his mind.

"Fuck, no, this guy's a fucker. April has already told me about her boss and her husband. This woman is adorable and April appreciates her very much, as everybody at her workplace. April told me that she deeply loves her man and talks about him a lot at work, and how she tried to have children. He's hers, he won’t leave her for you. Get out of this shit, man, before it's too late."

Casey’s last words were a desperate plea.

Raph bit his lips, furious to hear that Casey thought Hazel was a better match for Leo than him. It was only second hand information. Maybe Leo was making the bitch happy, but he was sure as fuck that it was not the other way around. Raph had wasted his time talking to Casey and he didn’t want to hear this kind of crap about Leo's wife for one more minute.

Too worked up, he turned his back on his brother. "Fuck ya, Case. I will ask to Ma, then."

Casey grabbed him by the shoulder, growling. "I'm going to tell Ma not to give you that money, and that you're high on coke, again… I didn’t tell her about the previous time, but now, I’m done covering for your crazy ass! Get out of this shit and forget this jerk, bro," Casey pleaded, upset.

"I'm not yer fucking bro," Raph snapped, moving away before being too tempted to punch Casey.

He could tell his adoptive brother was hurt by his comment. Never in their life, had Raph brought up they were not biological brothers, but Raph told himself he would settle this later. He did not need a fucking argument in the middle of the night as fucking cherry on the top. Not when time was ticking by, and each minute, Leo was comfier in the arms of other partners.

He had to find a way to join him quickly. Leo could not wake up in a bed, naked with a new lover. Leo was so easy to manipulate into changing his mind.

Raph got on his bike and left, his eyes burning with tears of rage and despite Casey’s warning, he tried to call Ma, but to his great distress, the line was busy. It was useless to go at her house to see her in person and ask for money. Casey had to have called her right away to tell what terrible mess Raph was. The woman must regret having adopted him now.

Without the money, Raph couldn't enter the resort and so he could not join Leo. But he would not remain idle while his boyfriend was having fun. He was going to go to Dusty's, as planned, and bring a man home and spend the night yelling in pleasure too.

Anyway, he had already broken his damn promise, so he might as well send all his oathes straight on hell, and cheat Leo all the way.

Raph did as he had planned. He went to Dusty's, snorted one more rail in the restroom, offered a drink to the first guy who appeared to be gay, played two games of billiards, offering his ass as stakes, and brought him home. The guy was neither handsome nor ugly, just an average man. Certainly not as breathtaking as Leo, with his shining eyes and flawless body.

But, alone in his apartment with him, Raph, despite his jealousy and the drugs, regained his senses when the man put his hands under his t-shirt, stroking his pecs and sticking his tongue down his throat.

The man tasted of tobacco and cheap whiskey, clashing too hard with his memory of Leo’s peppermint breath. And as weird as it was, feeling two human hands, with such rough skin reminded him that it was not Leo’s prosthesis caressing him.

The man was horny, as Leo could be, but in a rushing way, like a guy not having tapped an ass in a decade; Leo was always in control of his hunger, and all his moves left Raph begging and wanton. Raph was always the sexual needy one. But now this guy was rubbing his crotch, and trying clumsily to untie Raph’s belt, proving he was the desperate one here.

It wouldn't work. Fucking with this man would only bring him disappointment and sorrow, and a feeling of being dirty. Raph’s cock would refuse to cooperate anyway, despite his anger and desire for vengeance. He belonged to Leo, whether he hated the scumbag motherfucker at the moment, or not.

Since he couldn't show off with this man, in front of Leonardo, to make his lover jealous, it was pointless.

Raph still tried, in spite of everything, for about thirty more seconds. Then, the man slipped his hand into his boxers to grip Raph’s flaccid cock and it was too much. Mad and humiliated, he shoved the man away.

"I changed my mind. I’m not in the mood. Go away."

"Why? I can give you a good time," the man insisted, in a seductive tone.

Raph shook his head in disgust. Even cocked-up, now he was seeing the man for what he was. A Hazel with a dick, just less cute and hornier. Just a dull person with the charisma of a teapot.

Not as challenging and alluring as Leo, for Raph.

Leo always told him how he was attracted to him, how Raph was looked male and strong, and was so soft inside. Raphael hated when Leo was calling him a big softie, playing at bad-boy act. But Raph had to admit that a contrast was seducing him in Leo as well.

How could the jerk be so polite, tidy and controlled on surface, like the perfect gentleman, when he was so unleashed in bed or in a fight? Leo had a temper and a passion which were perfect match for Raph’s. Maybe it was an effect of him being abandoned as a child, but Raph has discovered in Leo a thing for finding a strong partner, who could lecture him and chastise him like the father he’d never had.

Leo was loving him as a boyfriend, but sometimes his cares reminded him of those of an older brother, who was trying to keep him on the right path and protect him. He had Casey, but it was not the same. Casey had his own issues and was young, and he let Raph do as he wanted. How could he have found a man like that, who would stand his ground against him, unafraid to throw a punch at him when the situation called for it, even with a damn prosthesis?

Leo had almost died saving lives, not caring about himself, while this man was sitting on his ass in front of the television, probably. The guy kissed him again and Raph was about to gag.

"I have someone, this was a bad idea,” Raph told him, pushing him away once more. “Get the fuck out!"

The man insisted again, but when Raph turned aggressive, which took fifteen seconds flat, he finally left, leaving Raph alone in his living hell. Now, Raph could do nothing, except wait until Sunday and probably face Leo’s wrath for his ransacked house. He had been dumb, but he would deal with that later. He just hoped that, like his, Leo's dick would remember who it belonged to.

 

 

  
  



	21. The fear

Leo had insisted on leaving sooner than expected. It was only 4:00 pm, but he had been way too anxious to return home to wait any longer. When he arrived home, his marriage would be over and, without feeling guilty, Leo would be able to spend the night with his lover, to reward Raphael for his patience. He had forgotten his phone and deeply missed him.

The silence in the car had been heavy the whole trip back, only punctuated with a few sniffles from Hazel. So, saying it was a relief to see his house was an understatement.

Eagerly, Leo get out of the car, but then, he stopped in his tracks. The light in his bedroom was on. Frowning, he went to the front door with nervous strides. The door was unlocked and Leo was positive he'd locked it before leaving for the crappy weekend.

Worried, he turned to Hazel, who was a few feet behind him.

“Go back to the car and lock the door.”

She did not discuss his command and turned back quickly, knowing her husband was not a man to be worried for nothing.

Fearlessly, Leo pushed the door open.

As soon as he entered his house, he knew something was off. He went straight to his katana on display on the wall of the living room, and quietly went upstairs, ready to slice open any attacker.

Halfway up the stairs, the smell of urine permeated the air and, perplexed, Leo gripped his katana tighter and continued upward. Once in his room, he stared dumbfounded at the damage.

Clothes were strewn everywhere and Hazel's wedding dress was spread out on the bed, in full view. The strong, acrid urine smell seemed to emanate from it, and his face darkened in rage at the violation, seeing the yellow stain.

Leo wondered what kind of intruder could be so disgusting and stupid. The dress would go through lab analysis and whoever the sick individual it was, he would pay for ransacking the house of a deputy Inspector of the NYPD.

He gazed around the room, checking to see what could have been stolen, but there was nothing there of value. All the more valuable things, which would be easy to sell in a pawn-shop, were in the living room. So he went back downstairs, finding that the television, DVD's and everything else was still there. The living room, the dining room, and the kitchen were spotless as usual.

Dazed but still furious, Leo went upstairs to his bedroom again and suddenly realized that only female clothing was on the floor. To be certain, he looked in the wardrobe, where all his shirts were still hanging, along with his uniform.

Only Hazel's clothes had been ruined on the floor. Not his. Had the intruder had suddenly realized they had broken into the home of a policeman, and fled, scared?

A cracking noise caught his attention and Leo noticed the broken glass on the floor.

His eyes then fell where all the sharp glass had come from. His framed wedding photo had been smashed and he found Hazel's part of the picture torn, and dirty with a footprint, like the intruder had tried to trample her. His part of the photo was nowhere in sight and suddenly, Leo had very bad feeling.

Hazel was the target of the attack, but she was a sweet woman and loved by all who know her, so it didn't make any sense. He turned back to the bed, checking the other side of it in search of clues. There, his eyes landed on the flyer on the floor, not far from his cell phone.

He turned on the still working device and saw he had a new text. Holding his breath, he read the message from his boyfriend.

‘Son of a bitch, u won’t fuck yer wife, only all the perverts at that resort. If I hear u touched someone, I will break ur pretty-boy face.’

His heart pounded, and his eyes widened He put the phone on his chest, looking around him nervously, as if Raph was still there, ready to jump punch him. He didn't know how, but Raph had infiltrated his house and consumed by jealousy, ransacked the room.

Now the consternation and panic had subsided, Leo was overcome with rage.

How could Raph, the hypocrite, dare to do that? Raph had followed him or had searched his wallet to know his address. And then had entered his house to... what? Get revenge on Hazel? To find out where Leo had gone?

It didn't matter why. What he'd done was disrespectful, betraying Leo's trust and showing he didn’t trust Leo either.

Suddenly it became clear. Don was right. Leo must be emotionally unstable, because he was enamored with an even more unstable person.

Hazel had tried all weekend to seduce him and make him change his mind, but despite her tears, he had resisted. He loved Raph and what he offered him, but seeing how dangerous Raph could be, their love took a back seat. If Hazel saw the damage, she would have panicked and demanded Leo call the police. Raph knew Leo would not call his officers, and so had allowed himself to act ruthlessly. But Hazel would want to know why Leo didn't call the police and everything would have become appallingly complicated.

Leo was going to settle things with Raph once and for all.

Resolute, he decided to call Donnie. He didn't want his younger brother interfering in his life, but Hazel had to be in a safe place. The poor woman did not deserve all this hatred, from a man she was barely aware existed.

"Don, I want you to come and get Hazel,” he said the moment his brother answered. “Take her to your home and please keep her there tonight, and for tomorrow morning, too. I have something I need to do and I don't know how long it will take, and I want her to feel safe with a reliable person."

"But Leo, how was your weekend in New Jersey?" Donatello asked anxiously. ”Are things settled with Hazel?”

Leo frowned. Why was Donnie aware? He had told Hazel not to tell anyone about it, ashamed to go there, like he was impotent or something like that.

"Don, this is not the time. I told you to stay out of my love life. And I asked you to come and get Hazel. It's for her and not for me."

Donnie remained silent for a moment. "Why are you telling me that? Do you think I don't love you? Why do you think I don't care?" Donatello asked, clearly upset.

"Don, be here in five minutes." Leo hesitated before adding, "And bring your prescription pad."

Leo then went down to the kitchen, grabbed a garbage bag and placed the wedding dress in it. There was no point to keep it anymore, anyway.

While removing the dress, he saw some traces of dubious appearance on the bedspread. He closed his eyes, discouraged, guessing the nature and origin of the stains. His lover had jerked off on his bed, like a dog pissing in an alley to mark his territory.

Raph was a sick bastard, there was nothing else to add.

Picking up the bedspread to wash it, he mentally cursed his boyfriend. Raphael was too impulsive and unpredictable. Maybe the meds that Donatello was going to prescribe would do him some good. Raph needed more than meds though; he needed damn therapy.

Leo picked up the other clothes, which seemed damaged beyond repair. Almost all of Hazel's wardrobe was destroyed. All she had left were the clothes she'd taken with her for the weekend. The poor woman didn't deserve this. Leonardo was going to have to buy her more clothes.

Raph had cost him a lot with his bad decisions and it had to stop before he dragged Leo into this hole with him.

He searched through his belongings and took his handcuffs. These were not erotic handcuffs, like Raph's, which were more a toy. These were what he used for criminals. And for what he was about to tell Raph, his lover had to be restrained. Pressure points wouldn't be enough this time. Raph needed to be immobilized for at least two hours, if not more.

Throughout the weekend Leo had, as agreed, given proof of goodwill to Hazel, while not having sex with anyone, as he had sworn to Raphael. The weekend had been awkward and annoying, hence his insistence of leaving sooner. He had promised Raph he would be back around 9 pm, but suspecting his lover would be consumed with anguish and boredom, he had succeeded in convincing Hazel that staying longer was futile.

The divorce was now inevitable, except if she fell pregnant, which was unlikely.

The policeman wanted to reassure his lover and tell him that from now on, they wouldn't have to restrain themselves so much, but seeing the damage Raphael had caused, made him no longer certain of his decision.

The divorce with Hazel was assured. She didn't deserve to be treated this way and Leo was no longer happy with her, but his relationship with Raph had just taken a critical blow.

Leo knew he was also possessive, but the destruction and intrusion were insane. Raphael had to prove that he was stable and reliable before Leo could trust him again. Don's pills and therapy prescription would help Raphael and Leo suddenly thought that maybe he had been too stubborn about it. He had to see a psychologist.

A few weeks, single and alone, would do him good. Raph would probably go back to work tomorrow and a normal life for him would be a test. Perhaps Raphael would no longer need Leo and wouldn't love him so much. Maybe he only loved Leo, because he was bored. Celibacy until Leo’s birthday, February 8th, would do them good and let them see how they really felt about one another. It was just nine weeks and Leo would have time to take stock of his life.

It all depended on whether Raphael had a good explanation for his actions. He'd have to beg on his knees for Leo to forgive him. Then Leo thought about what Raph could have done elsewhere during his absence. Fucking other men, as he had threatened, Leo thought, gritting his teeth. If he'd done that, they were over.

He was only gone for three fucking days, damn it! And he had given Raph his word!

Now in a hurry to know how many poor choices Raphael had made during his short absence, he ran downstairs.

Leo joined Hazel outside and explained that criminals had broken into their home, that he was going to take care of it and that Donnie was coming to get her. When Don arrived, Leo did not give him the time to ask any questions.

"The same pills for my friend, please. And a referral for a therapy. I need for him to see the best trauma specialist."

Don, without a word, wrote and handed him the paper. Leo had already recovered his own pill bottle. He was going to give them to Raph and ask him to taken them in front of him, because he was clearly losing his self-control and nerves.

After asking Hazel to stay with Donnie until further notice, Leo hopped into his car and drove to Raph's place. It was almost 4:40 now and he hoped Raph would be there, even if he was more than four hours earlier than expected.

Thankfully, Betty was parked outside, meaning its owner was there too.

Leo took a deep breath. It was going to be a challenging confrontation and he had to show Raphael just how incensed he was, so that he understood that he was serious and that spreading his legs wouldn’t get him off the hook this time.

He knocked on the door and when there was no response, he knocked again, thinking jealously that maybe someone had taken Raph with them. Then he heard Raph shout out angrily.

"Fuck ya Case. Go away! I don’t need ya!"

Leo could not help but be slightly relieved that Raph was thinking it was Casey and not another man. But even if he had been faithful, his vandalism had taken the damn cake. He knew Raph would plead and beg, and try to coax him, and then turn angry, but he could not back off from this fight.

Leo braced himself. "It's not Casey, Raph,” he said. “It's me, Leo."

Leonardo thought he heard a 'shit', but was not positive. Several long moments of silence followed before Raph replied.

"Come back later, Leo. I was sleepin'."

Leo bristled at the reply. After all Raph had done, he told him this bullshit! Raphael was probably afraid of Leo's reaction to his vandalism, or maybe he was hiding someone or something. That idea pissed him off. If Raph dared to be with another man...

"Raph, you either open the damn door or I'm never coming back."

"Okay. Hang on a sec."

Raph's voice was different, embarrassed, frightened and Leonardo could understand. Raphael must suspect that Leo was very angry, knowing the policeman very well.

Leonardo heard the tile crack, indicating Raph was behind the door.

"Baby, I was furious, jealous and upset,” Raph pleaded from the other side.”I love ya so much, so much, and knowin' ya were in that kinda place made feel like I was dyin' inside. It’s hurt me all weekend."

Leo sighed. He wanted to be mad, but hearing Raphael's sad voice touched him. He could get that his lover, upon seeing the flyer, must have been upset. Maybe he should have told him the truth and dealt with Raph’s reaction before going with Hazel. Or told the truth to Hazel, that nothing she or any speaker in a sexual seminar said could make him change his mind. He loved Raph.

"Raphael, open the door. I need to talk to you and I refuse to do it through a closed door."

Raph opened the door, looking miserably at the ground and refusing to meet his lover's eyes, like a dog who had peed on his owner’s shoes. Leo couldn’t stand it. If Raph was so remorseful, he wouldn’t be able to do what he was supposed to.

Sharply, Leo took Raph’s chin, making him look at him, and immediately thought he understood the regrets Raph had said. It had nothing to do with the ransacking of Hazel's wardrobe.

The amber eyes could not lie, bloodshot with large, dilated pupils. Raph was expressing remorse because he was doped-up again, despite his promise. While Leo had kept his own word and stayed chaste, when it would have been less complicate to give Hazel what she wanted or have sex with someone else.

Leo had show up four hours early. Maybe Raph had been hoping this delay would be enough to hide that he had broken his promise, because his use seemed to be recent.

With a great thrust, he pushed Raph back inside.

"Where is it?" the policeman asked angrily.

Raph put his hands out in front of him, pleading, and then, agitating them like a crazy puppet, dragged Leo, trying to get him to take his favorite place on the couch.

"I don't know what yer talkin' 'bout, babe. There’s nothing to hide. Please sit down. I'll make ya tea. Jasmine tea to calm ya down after such a long drive. I’m so glad to see ya. I missed ya so, so much."

Raphael was lying to him, trying to deceive him and act like everything was normal.

Leo held his head in his hands. The situation was far worse than he had thought. He realized he loved Raph so much, that weak as he was, he would probably have only spanked him, left him alone as punishment for two or three days, and then forgive him. Because his black lover was a addiction, a dangerous one, but to forgive Raphael was now almost impossible.

He looked at his lover, fetching Leo’s mug with care, as though it was a pure relic, and putting the water on to boil.

Leo’s analytic eyes looked him over, analysing the jerky movements and, narrowing his eyes, he noticed Raph was still dressing the same clothes he had been wearing on Thursday. It was the red shirt Leo had given him for his birthday.

Raph’s passion burnt deep, but he needed more than pills and a psychologist once a week, if he was to the point of forgetting basic hygiene for days. He needed a detox, but Raph would not admit it.

"Raph," Leo said firmly. "Go to the bedroom, undress and lie down. You're wearing the same clothes you were wearing when I left four days ago."

Raphael's face split open in a big smile. He'd rubbed his nose seven times in front of Leo, making it clear that he was lying, when he was pretending nothing was wrong, but he was too high to realize that. He was expecting one of their hot and angry make-up sex sessions and he eagerly tore off his red T-shirt and looked at Leo lustfully, he went to the room, followed by Leo.

Leo, without a word, watched as Raph finished undressing. He turned the heating up higher. If Raph was naked, he shouldn't be cold. He approached Raph with the handcuffs and, not suspecting a thing, Raph held out his hands, thinking they were going to play a kinky game. Rope, handcuffs, any kind of restraint were a big part of their usual bed games.

Leo's heart sank, as he noticed fresh scars on Raph's wrists. One was deep, and must have bleed a lot. If Raph had been too high to care, he could have gambled with his life.

The thought of his lover harming himself this way, risking his life, in his pain of knowing his lover was away, made Leo almost lose it and cry. He kissed the wound before locking the handcuffs and he looked sadly at the smiling and confident black man.

“Go for it, babe. I’m ready! I missed you too much to waste time with foreplay. Just kiss me first. I missed your greedy kisses the most,” Raphael pleaded, his bloodshot eyes shining with excitement.

Leo composed himself, and tried not to show his own heartache. He could not kiss Raph. His resolution would melt like butter if he did.

"Raph, you went behind my back and looked up my address. Then you entered my house and vandalized it, in a disgusting way."

Raph's smile faded, but Leo was far from done, now that the first step had been made.

"You broke your promise, about not taking drugs. I don't know what else you have done, but I can no longer be with you."

Raph now understood he had fallen into a trap, and trembling and trying to get free, he roared insults.

"I didn't take any shit, ya fuckin' hypocritical, paranoid bastard."

Leo sighed. He could take insults and curses, but not lies. Why was Raph making this all more difficult?

Without a word and ignoring Raph's blasphemies, Leo went into the living room. A rolled paper was still on the stained coffee table, next to an empty bottle of vanilla bourbon.

Finding the powder didn't take him five minutes, Raphael not having even bothered to hide it anywhere other than his usual spot, under the couch, but another object caught his attention. He found a condom still sealed in its package, in a crack of the sofa. It meant that Raph had planned to or had had sex with someone else.

Leo’s face darkened in rage. It was too much to bear.

Leonardo returned to the bedroom carrying the drugs and the sealed condom, his face stony. He dropped them on the bed, before folding his arms, challenging Raph with hard glare to still try to deny it.

Raphael, realizing he'd been caught, started rambling confusing explanations, as well as supplications, insults, accusations, and before moving on to threats.

Leo patiently listened to all that Raphael said. However, when he realized that Raph had already repeated the same speech about five times, only interchanging, 'fuck' and 'damn', and was becoming increasingly aggressive, Leo raised his hand for him to stop.

His eyes burning with fear and anxiety, Raph shut up.

"I have something for you," Leo said, poking his pockets to pull out the pills. "They are in my name, but I have got you your own prescription too. Follow the instructions. There is also a referral to see a famous psychologist. He will help you going through your Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. I would do the same. In five weeks or so, we may be able to talk to each other again, as friends."

He was interrupted by Raph, whose face grew darker as Leo spoke.

"Fuck yer brother's pills,” he finally snapped. “Ya can shove them in yer prick ass! Have ya listened ta nothin' I told ya? Ya were gone to that damn place and I was mad and upset by it!"

"Raph, you vandalized my wife's property, took drugs all weekend and brought a man home with the intention of having sex," Leo replied coldly.

"I threw the guy out,” Raph hissed. “I told ya! I didn't do nothin', except with yer fuckin' underwear." He tilted his chin towards the navy boxers on the bed. ”He kissed me and grab my dick and that’s all!”

Leo paled hearing the outrage. Raph was talking like it was not a big deal, but still he’d had the intention of cheating. Well, he knew he had been a cheater too, but now Raph and he were committed in an official relationship, so it was not the same.

The idea that Raph had gone so far as to allow himself to be kissed was driving him mad. But he recognized the expectation in the molten gold irises.

Raph hoped to make Leo furious to the point that he would unleash on him. Then after having punching and hitting the restrained man, Leo could not tell Raphael off for going on a jealous rampage. Raph did not mind the abuses, if that mean Leo would stay.

Raph was mentally unbalanced at this point and he had to admit he was not that much better. He could not let his jealousy be baited, for Raph’s own sake.

"It doesn’t matter. That's a lot of bad behavior, Raph. I don't think I can forgive you and it validates my theory that I bring you more harm than good. On your return to work tomorrow…"

Raph looked away, biting his lip, and Leo understood.

Raph hadn't even gone to his appointment. In any case, it would have done nothing good. His beautiful lover was a mess. Leo felt so guilty. Raph wouldn't have a normal life anytime soon, because even if months ago he had been a hero, his job could not tolerate such an erratic attitude. He loved the black man so much. Raph’s life had been a mess since they'd first met, and it was all Leo's fault.

Leo looked at Raph, but not really seeing him, taking a step away from the bed.

Raphael understood that for Leo himself, the situation was unbearable and that the policeman was trying to keep up his Fearless act, but Raphael could see behind his lover's front. Leo was heartbroken and was going to recite a speech about common sense, morality, and other bullshit he did not even believe.

"I'm truly sorry for all the mess I have caused you," Leo said. "Our break-up is the best thing for you. Take the pills, get a grip on yourself, and maybe we can be friends, like before."

Raphael's heart felt like it had shattered into a million pieces. He knew Leo had made this decision after finding the cocaine, but that didn't mean he was ready to hear this. Okay. He had broken his promise about the drugs and he had been stupid, but he'd only done it because he had been distressed. He loved Leo too much and his absence had been too painful to cope with. Leo had to understand.

He tugged again on the handcuffs.

"Fuck ya, Leo!" Raphael snapped. "Ya fucking coward! Ya call it quits when I'm handcuffed, just like ya did when ya paralyzed me. Ya don't have the guts ta do it with me free, because I know how ta change yer mind. I get onto my knees and suck yer off, like yer wife did this weekend. Ya only follow yer dick!"

"Raphael, please understand…" Leo sighed.

"She convinced ya, right?" he snarled. "She sucked ya off and maybe gave ya her flat ass and then, when it was enough to get ya off, she gave ya permission ta fuck anyone ya wanna. And yer lookin' for an excuse ta get rid of me, so ya can continue ta have a fake life with her because now I’m not enough for yer endless libido! With her, ya would be free ta bang other people, because she dislikes sex and it's a way of keepin' ya, but with me, who's just as possessive as ya, ya can't,” Raph hissed, his eyes full of helpless rage. ”Ya can accuse me 'bout an unused condom when ya, ya scumbag, must have fucked at least twelve people this weekend. Ya prefer ta be free, and have a beautiful woman as a beard, but yer not even in love with her. The only person ya love is yerself!"

Raphael sat up so violently, that the bed threatened to break, and he screamed in rage, not listening to Leo, who was pretending it was untrue, and begged him to shut up and stop pulling on the handcuffs, if he didn't want to be injured. But Raph ignored him and said that he wasn't finished with him.

Raphael repeated his insults and curses, while pulling so hard on the handcuffs that they pierced his flesh, causing it to bleed, but he didn't care. He didn't care about losing his wrists. All that mattered was convincing Leo.

"How many have ya fucked, huh? While I was cryin' here and imaginin' ya with them. I was desperate. Can't ya understand that, Leo?"

"Raph, I didn't have sex with anyone. I'm not lying," Leo said, his voice more shaky than he had intended it to be, eyeing the scars on the wrists that were now bleeding. “I respected my oathes!”

“I don’t believe ya!” Raph shouted.

Leo heart a crack, probably made by the wood of the bed, but he wouldn’t wait for Raph to break his arm. He saw Raphael’s raw despair and suffering. If he had to break his arm to grab Leo and make him stay, Raph would do it. His lover was so far gone, that he won’t ever feel the physical pain at the moment.

Faced with this heartbreaking spectacle and tears running down his face, Leo grabbed Raph's face. And Raphael, seeing his lover’s tears, calmed down.

"I swear to you. Raph, calm down. Seeing you like this breaks my heart. This is not what you think. I will divorce Hazel. Her period was due yesterday and she will do a last pregnancy test in a couple of days. If it's negative, she will sign the divorce papers. I'm not leaving you for her or anyone. Calm yourself, please, Raph."

"How do ya expect me ta be calm? Ya wanna break up with me!"

Then, seeing the tears run down the face he so loved, Raph made an effort to be calm and Leo told himself that the drugs must be out his bloodstream, the scene lasting for almost two hours.

"I love ya and nothin' makes sense without ya, Leo. I know it's just as unbearable for ya, as it is for me. Why do ya do this ta me? To us? Yer lyin' ta yerself. Ya love me!"

Leo didn't point out that fifteen minutes earlier, Raph had accused him of loving no one. Raphael was clearly confused and ranted again for a long moment, still repeating how much he loved Leo, and was only upset and jealous, as Leo would have been in the same situation.

It was true, he was also a jealous man, but Leo would only have broken-up with them if in the same situation, rather than doing such insane things. But he let Raph vent and explain himself, until the tied-up man realized it was useless.

It was dark outside and almost 9 pm. They'd already been arguing for four hours. He didn't have time to reply, because Raph spoke again.

"Leo, look at me, baby. Look me in the eyes and tell me ya don't love me anymore and I will try ta accept it."

Leo looked at him briefly. "I can't. I love you enough to breakup; it’s the greatest proof that I care deeply for you. I’m still in love with you, but I will leave you because I only cause you sorrow and heartache."

Immense relief overwhelmed Raphael upon hearing this answer. Leo, despite his inflexibility, didn't really want to break up. If his lover still loved him, there was still hope, but he had to make up for the past few days. He had indeed been stupid, but he must explain to his boyfriend that he wouldn’t do it again, now Leo was about to get divorced and be with him for good.

"Leo, baby. Ya know that I love ya more than anythin'. Ya've never hurt me and I'm fine when I'm near ya. Yer wife was causing me stress. Not the towers, not ya, yer wife. Now that ya divorcing her, I’m fine, babe."

Leonardo's face looked doubtful.

"No, Raph. You're not fine. What you did with Hazel's clothes, tearing them and pissing on the dress, and jizzing on my bedspread... it’s not a sign of a balanced person. Doing cocaine the entire weekend is not a sign of a mentally healthy person,” Leo explained, his voice strained. ”If I hadn't entered your life or if I hadn't pushed our relationship to become sexual, you would have spent a normal weekend with friends, like you were before and you would have gone back to work four weeks ago. I dragged you into this mess, I manipulated you, I lied to you, I abused you, I made you fall in love with me, because I wanted you, even knowing I wasn't free, that I would make you unhappy. I am selfish, jealous, possessive and violent with you and I don't deserve your pure heart. The only thing I can do now is to free you from my harmful grip."

"I'm not a little helpless girl. Have ya looked at me?" Raphael said, his voice rising with his temper, rolling his eyes, exasperated by what he thought was a ridiculous display of remorse. Leo was not the one who had changed the dynamic of their relationship. Okay, he was the first to have initiated a kiss, but Raph would have done it someday anyway, just having learnt Leo was bisexual.

"Do ya hear yourself, babe? Fuck. I love ya. Really I do. Ya didn't push me into a sexual relationship. I wanted a sexual relationship with ya from day one. Okay. Maybe not day one at the hospital, but from our second encounter at the coffee shop, even when I didn't know ya liked men too. I loved ya before ya loved me. Ya don't abuse me. I always loved hardcore sex. I want and need ya."

Leo gave him a brief dark look.

"Post-traumatic Stress Disorder from September eleventh,”he said flatly, “It happened to many victims in different ways. Donnie told me. I am a crutch for you."

Raph wished he could shake his lover or slap him and make him see sense, but the handcuffs prevented him from doing so.

"Yer fuckin' delusional!" Raphael shot back. "I'm not a victim, Leo. Yer not a damn crutch and I'm fucking fine!"

"Raph…"

"Shut the fuck up! I am yer boyfriend of my own free will! It's not a fuckin' post-crap syndrome!" An idea came to him "Did ya talk 'bout that with yer bro, the asshole? Did he put those damn ideas in yer paranoid head? He manipulated ya, because he likes your wife more than me."

"No. Be reasonable.” Leo pleaded.

He was now the one begging, explaining his point of view and making his mea-culpa. It was not what he had planned to do, but Leo did not give a damn about his pride. The important thing was the result. Raph on a detox, happy and rid of Leo, the troublemaker.

”I'm toxic for you. This is hard, but you will thank me later,” the policeman said, with all the conviction he could muster, when he was so upset himself. “You are going to find another boyfriend, younger than me, with all of his limbs and you can build a better future with him. You are a handsome man, you are so…"

Raphael closed his eyes, not listening. He was past the boiling point and all of this was not leading anywhere and he was exhausted. For the past four hours or so he'd been on a downward spiral, following the high from the drugs. He had no energy and felt despair. Leo had been torturing him for hours and every ounce of patience and reason had left him.

Leo, obviously, didn't want to break-up any more than he did, but he refused to admit it. Leo was proud and had to pretend to punish him for his weekend stupidities, but he didn't really want to leave him. He had said so, he was still in love with him. Leo needed to be cornered, so he'd realize it and if Raph had to do that, he would.

He had an idea, but for that to happen, Leo had to release him.

"Release me, Leo. Let me hug ya one last time," he pleaded. "Feel yer hair, caress yer skin, kiss ya. I wanna memorize yer body one more time, baby. I didn't know last week would be the last time we'd make love. Please. I swear I will be calm. Just some cuddling. I felt so lonely all weekend and I’m cold."

Leonardo hesitated, but seeing Raphael's bleeding wrists and his imploring golden eyes, he yielded. In any case, he could not leave Raphael tied up for so long. For hours, he was trying to convince his boyfriend why they should break up and he was emotionally drained. And he must admit, he wanted to hug Raph and feel his muscular arms around him.

The weekend had been extremely grueling for him too, and had demanded he maintain his self-control. He had stayed firm against Hazel’s pleading and tears, and now, he had done the same with Raphael’s. He was just as worn out as Raphael and needed comfort.

Leo had barely unlocked the second handcuff, when, with a powerful thrust, the fireman pushed him onto his back and before he could blink, a Glock barrel was pressed against his forehead. Leo thought that it was probably his own weapon, but he hadn't yet noticed it was no longer in his drawer.

"Yer not the only one, who can be a sneaky bitch. I learned from a master," Raphael sneered. "I told ya so, babe. Ya wouldn't be over with me. Retract what ya've said in the past few hours. Tell me it was just bullshit and that ya love me. Tell me ya love me, that we belong ta each other and we're not over," Raph demanded furiously.

Stunned, all Leo could do was look at him.

Raphael, a manic look in his eyes, had the revolver aimed at him. He silently dealt with this unexpected development and forced himself to go into his instinctive policeman mode.

"You can kill me, Raphael. That will not change anything. You won’t have what you want. You can't bully me that way. I already told you. Violence and threats won’t convince me."

Raph looked at him with his burning eyes for a moment, seeming not to have understood the words, since they weren't the ones he wanted to hear. Then his golden eyes gleamed and he immediately removed the revolver and pressed it to his own temple.

The black man chuckled sarcastically at Leo’s now horrified expression.

"Ya have some nerve, I gave ya that! But what 'bout this, Fearless? What are ya gonna do? I hope yer ready ta clean up my brain splatter and my blood, and ready ta explain why I killed myself in front of the deputy inspector."

Leonardo's stomach twisted. When the gun was pointed at him, he could handle it. He wasn't afraid of death and had often stared it in the face, but with his beloved boyfriend, it was something else. His heart thumped, his brain raced, as he tried to think of a way of getting the weapon from his lover, but it was physically impossible.

Although Raph wasn't his usual self, he was determined, and if Leo made the slightest movement, Raph would pull the trigger. Leo felt like this was similar to a hostage situation.

"Raph, please. Put the gun down. You're not serious. You're young, have so many reasons to live. Think of your friends and your family," Leo begged

"I'm dead fuckin' serious, Leo. If ya no longer wanna be part of my life as my boyfriend, I don't wanna live. I'd prefer ta blow my brains out, rather than listen ta yer crap 'bout my happy future without ya," Raphael said coldly, his eyes stony and emotionless. “I’m sure to have lost my job anyway, and my best friend died during fucking 9/11. My family don’t want to deal with me anymore, so this will be quicker.”

The unusual expression on his lover chilled Leo to the bone. It must be because of the cocaine. He knew enough about drugs to know that the negative side effects could be harsh, if the use was frequent. Raphael needed to go to rehab.

"And," Raphael added. "I'm so fuckin' tired after listenin' ta yer damn bullshit 'bout us. I can't wait anymore. I'm countin' up ta ten, Fearless. If ya don't retract everythin' I will kill myself, right fucking now, in front of ya. One, two, three…"

Leonardo's gut churned hearing this odious blackmail.

"Raph,” he said, trying to stop him, “let's make a deal. You're going to promise to take your meds and go to rehab and if you're better, I will think about us again. Make this effort for me, my love. Stay in rehab for one month. I will pay and my brother will sign any paper we need to settle things at your job."

Raphael, who had stopped counting to listen to the proposal, remained expressionless and gripped the butt of the weapon tighter. "Three, four… "

Leo knew he wasn't bluffing. He had never dealt with anyone wanting to end their life before, but he knew his lover. It wasn't just a bluff, to emotionally blackmail him. In a few seconds, Raph would shoot himself in the head if Leo didn't promise to remain his boyfriend. He had sincerely hoped Raph could find happiness elsewhere, even if it hurt him but he doubted it now.

Raphael loved him more than anyone had ever loved him. Maybe if Leo stayed, Raph would do what he needed to do, pills, therapy, and rehab. Drug-free, Raphael was eager to please him. If he didn't have Leo and if he didn't shoot himself, Raph could die of an overdose anytime, anyway. Raph was now so depressed and traumatized at this point.

"Seven, eight, nine," Raphael said in an emotionless, detached voice that Leo didn't recognize, and he could not bear it.

Leo had failed to save many lives that day. He could not fail Raph. Not now, not ever.

"Stop," Leo said, trembling. "I promise you. I'm still yours. I didn't think about what I was saying. I love you too much to lose you!"

Raphael grinned, beaming now. He finally lowered the revolver.

"I knew, baby. Ya only needed a little push ta admit it. Yer a stubborn bastard, but I love ya anyway."

Raphael hungrily kissed his lover, while Leo tried not to vomit from anxiety or have a nervous breakdown, as he recalled what a 'little push' was.

Leo lay down on his back and didn't resist the eager fingers that were undressing him and then stroking him. And he didn't really listen to Raph's passionate declarations of love. He was still trying to deal with all that had happened. Leonardo turned his head, giving access to his neck, his eyes not leaving the weapon on the night table. He dared not move, afraid of upsetting Raph and making him get the weapon and to turn it on Leo and then himself.

He was a policeman, he knew that these crazy things happened all the time. Love sometimes could be take the face of an illness.

"I know what yer thinkin'. Yer worried. It's late and tomorrow is yer first day as a deputy inspector. Relax, babe. Yer bitch of a boss is a gone now, and you won’t have to sneak to see me. Ya won’t have to worry about a thing. So less stress for ya!” Raph whispered, nuzzling him,

Leo told himself that anyway after what he was gone through in the last ten minutes, all of this would look like tissues paper as stress factors.

“I wanna top tonight. I fantasied 'bout yer ass for days. I want to make ya feel good, pleasure ya! I'll mark ya everywhere, so that everybody will know yer mine and we can sleep after that. And after the jog tomorrow, I'll make blueberry pancakes, I know ya like those. Ya won’t have to worry about a thing, babe. I know you hate cooking, I will do for ya," Raphael murmured between the tender kisses.

Leo didn't answer.

Never had his professional life been so far back in his mind, and being late was not in his concern. He let his lover take advantage of his body, Raphael carefully breaching him, whispering praises and sweet nothings, like it was a normal day.

Leo continued to gaze at the weapon throughout Raph’s lovemaking. Even when the light was turned off, and Raph cuddled against him like a kitten looking for warmth, Leo still stared at the night table, in the dark.

For the first time in his life, Leo was terrified.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it looks like another scene I wrote, in Burn with me. What can I said, I love this drama!


	22. The break-up

Leo's heart began to beat normally again as he sat at his desk. He tried to forget all that had happened the previous day and focus on his work, but he was unable to. The image of Raphael threatening him and then turning the weapon on himself, was forever imprinted on his mind. The worst part was, that after passionately making love that morning, Raphael had acted like nothing had happened.

He'd dressed for jogging and had joked that Leo was ‘going to kill him, because he'd had so little sleep and he would freeze his ass of’. Raphael had then caressed and kissed him passionately in the shower. Afterward, Raphael had made the promised blueberries pancakes. Leo had felt obliged to eat, even though he was still so anxious that he had a lump as big as a watermelon in his throat. Before Leo had left, Raphael had kissed him gently on the forehead and wished him a good day at work, holding Leo’s hand in his, staring at him lovingly.

Raph seemed to be such a caring lover, sweet and pliant, and so in love.  
  
But before Leo had even gotten into his car, the anxiety and nausea he still felt overcame him and he threw up his breakfast in Raph’s parking lot.

Before leaving, Raph had talked to him about groceries and asked him for some money. Leo would have given his entire bank account not to have to relive a similar stress, and so, eager to get away, he had given him $250 again, which was all he had on him. Raph had promised lasagna for dinner and Leo, while fleeing, had absent-mindedly nodded.

And now, sitting in his office, he wondered what to do.

Raph was far worse than he'd thought. He was a danger to himself and others, a hard drug user, who Leo should arrest and have sent to prison for home invasion, vandalism, and death threats.

Of course, he wouldn't do it, but he had to do something. He took notes on a sheet of paper, writing down what he must do.

First, he had to call a locksmith for his house and change the locks, so Hazel would be safe. He still don’t get how Raph had managed to deceive him, but it was the safest possibility option. He was about to divorce her but he still cared about her safety and she couldn't live with Donatello forever.

Then he had to find a detox center. Raph hadn't been a cocaine addict for a long time and so his stay shouldn't be a long one. He would get therapy and when he was released, he could work as a firefighter again. And then Leo would decide what to do.

He loved Raph, as crazy as that was. But he loved him too much to suffer another occurrence of what had happened and to fear for Raph's life. Raphael must have been really unhappy in his life to do what he'd done. And now, even if he was indeed about to get a divorce, it won’t be definitively settled for months. Leo understood that the unfinished situation with Hazel, and all the divorce proceedings weren't going to help Raph, but it was a much more complicated matter than mere jealousy.

Whatever Raph claimed, Hazel was not the only reason Raph snorted cocaine. There was something else at play here, making Raph suffer this badly, something Raph was using Leo to cope with, using cocaine the minute Leonardo was not there. And what about all the abuse Raph was taking in bed, looking for it, provoking it? It was like Raph needed to flirt with self-destruction, whether it was with a cruel and toxic lover, or hard drugs.

Leo had no delusions about himself. He was as dangerous as cocaine to Raph

He called a detox center, which was just five miles from his own home, and asked questions about the way they worked. Raph needed good observation, but with a little space and a lot of care.

He learned that the patients stayed there for rehab for thirty, sixty, or a hundred and twenty days. A hundred and twenty days seemed a horribly long time to Leo, but thirty was way too short to heal Raphael properly, so he inquired about the sixty-day program, a middle-ground solution. He inquired what Raph would have as therapy, what he would be able to do in his spare time and whether Leo would be allowed to visit him. A too coercive program would put Raph off. He already had to convince him to go to rehab and he didn't know how he'd do that.

To push Raph a little more, he opened the files at the detox center and asked for an appointment. He wouldn’t force Raph like his boyfriend had. Leo would visit the place with him and if it seemed like the right place, and strongly recommend giving it a sixty-day try.

“But its should come from him,” the employee had said on the phone.

It was self-evident but how could he convince him that it was not a ploy to get rid of him, and that Raph had a real problem? Leo spent the whole morning thinking about it, neglecting his work. He had to keep his cell phone in his office drawer, so he didn't see the messages waiting for him to respond to.

He could not talk to Raph, not yet, still feeling sick from the day before.

At noon, he went out for some air, still not feeling hungry. Walking in the cold, in early December, was going to do him some good. Even with no appetite at all, he knew he had to eat, having eaten nothing since that morning. Perhaps something warm and light, like as soup would suffice. He hoped Raph did not have the boldness to wait for him outside.

Indeed, outside someone was waiting for him and Leo felt a shock recognizing his younger brother. That was not all; Donnie had an expression he had never seen before, kind of excited and nervous.

Leo frowned at how this eagerness was not like his brother at all, hoping it had nothing to do with his brother asking about his weekend with Hazel. He didn't want another interrogation after such a morning.

"Don? Why are you here? Where is Hazel? Is she okay?" Leo asked anxiously.

Donnie stammered that yes, she was fine, and talking about how he hadn’t been answering his phone all morning.

Besides the unusual excitation, Leo noticed Donnie was handing him a yellow box with a green ribbon, with shaky hands. It looked like a box of chocolates and bewildered, Leo stared at him in astonishment. Donatello was generous with medical care and medications, but not with gifts, even less out of Christmas or birthdays.

"Open it," Don ordered excitedly.

Leo slowly opened the box, still frowning.

There was nothing he had expected in the box. The two cigars surprised him and he had a moment of consternation. Neither Don nor he smoked and he did not get why Don was almost blowing a gasket with this.

And then, seeing what else there was, his heart skipped a beat.

In the center, in milky white plastic, among the white silk paper, was a pregnancy test. There was no need to read the instruction manual to find out if two bars was a positive sign. The two cigars, now that he was more aware of what he saw, one with a pink ribbon and a blue ribbon, meant everything Leo needed to know.

He heard, as though he were underwater, Don's congratulations and his embarrassed explanations that Hazel had not dared to tell him the news herself. And that being unable to know the gender before the four-month mark, he'd given cigars for both genders.

"So, Leo, what are you going to do? Hazel is pregnant and she loves you. Are you going to get divorced when you're ready to have everything you've wanted for so long?" he asked feverishly.

Stunned and barely able to speak, Leo asked if the test was infallible.

"Yes. You can always come to the hospital if you don't trust me. A blood test will prove it," Don replied. “I’m positive she is bearing a child, Leo. Your child.”

Leonardo feebly denied not trusting his brother, but he wanted to see with his own eyes. Donatello nodded as if he had foreseen this request.

"Come to my place after work. I can do the test or we can go to the hospital or you can watch Hazel do a urinary one tomorrow morning. Whichever you wish, Leo. It will not change anything. You're going to be a father."

The policeman accepted the blue cigar Don gave him and bent over, allowing Donnie to light it. He took a drag, absentmindedly. They remained silent for five minutes, smoking. Then Leo spoke, in a mechanical voice.

"Indeed, if Hazel is really pregnant, it changes everything."

He could see clearly the relief setting on his brother’s features.

"Yeah,” Donnie agreed. “You can't leave a beautiful and good wife for a stranger, despite all the thrills this man can give you! It would be insane. It's not like you, big brother to make such a foolish choice."

Shivering, Leo thought about all the thrills Raphael had given him. Indeed, even desperate, Hazel never threatened him to kill herself or him, and suddenly, Hazel’s peaceful nature was more appealing than Raph’s blazing fury and passion. His life would be boring, but sane; he would never be scared of his partner end their life after a heated argument. Leo so never wanted to live that again.

Besides, it was a good opportunity for Raph to get a grip. His lover would accept this reason. Raphael, after a childhood without father, would never ask Leo to abandon his child. Raph will move on. He would be forced to do, like Leo was to forced break-up. For both their sakes.

Leo nodded and extinguished his cigar. "See you later, Don. I'll finish early."

Without looking at his text messages, Leo advised his secretary that he had to leave early for a medical reason. He needed to get the new locks and he needed to know if the news was true, before talking to his boyfriend.

When he told her Hazel was pregnant, the secretary excitedly announced it to all his officers and Leo had to hear a dozen congratulations. Leo guessed a pregnancy in his situation was a cause for a great deal of joy. They had waited for so long and he loved children, but the taste of ashes in his mouth was not only due to the smoking.

It was the bitter taste that sometimes came with duty.

Four hours later, when Raph had to be taking the lasagna out of the oven, Leo, accompanied by his wife, was returning from Donatello's house with the new locks.

He could not postpone it further. He needed to tell Raph that they were over. He remembered how Raph had called him a coward the day before, and he was cringing, gritting his teeth at the memory. It was indeed true that he was about to do the most cowardly thing in the world.

Breaking up by text message.

It was the wise thing to do. And besides, this was the deal from the beginning. Raph knew it.

Leo took a deep breath, braced himself and sent a text to his now officially ex-lover.

' _Raph, Hazel is pregnant. I didn't want to believe the test, but I saw the results. As agreed, we can't continue our relationship. I beg you, take back control of your life. I've opened a file for you at a rehab center and I'll pay for it. Please take this opportunity to heal your wounds and turn over a new leaf. Don't come over to start something. I changed the locks and if you cause a scene, I will call my officers.'_

Leo didn't want to threaten him. He wanted to take Raph in his arms, cry with him and beg him to be reasonable, but gentle methods didn't work with a passionate and fierce man like his black lover. Leo would have liked to tell him that he still loved him, but that would have twisted the knife in the fireman's heart.

He knew that Raph wasn't going to take it ‘as a little bitch’, as he had said himself, and it wouldn't be easy, but Hazel needed him and she had already suffered enough. To protect her and their unborn baby, he would no longer treat Raph favorably if it wasn't reasonable.

Resolved, he pressed the ‘send’ button.

\----

Leo spent the evening at home, installing the locks, grateful to Hazel for asking no questions.

It must be said that Hazel, after Leo had seen the pregnancy result, and had taken her in his arms and kissed her on the forehead, was euphoric. She had won her husband over and was finally expecting.

When Leo had finished changing the two locks, he watched her flutter around the kitchen, with the lightness of a fairy. She spoke endlessly, while cutting the tofu and vegetables, and said that she was returning to work the following week, but she planned to stop at the 26-week mark like Donnie had advised.

The baby was due in mid-August 2002, and Hazel was already planning for future birthdays in the backyard at that time of the year, at the end of summer, when the sunlight seemed more golden, the other colors of the sky brighter, and the leaves richer, as though it was a last gift of nature before the fall.

This baby was the last gift of nature for them, so precious, she explained, in her poetic way.

She spoke of names, a subject which they had already spoken abundantly about in the past. They both loved the name Mikey for a boy, which she reminded him of, but they had never agreed on a girl's name. Hazel loved Lisa or Angela, but Leo, thinking of his Japanese ancestry, preferred a Japanese one.

"Your great-grandfather was Japanese," Hazel said. "But you don't look Japanese. The only thing that hints at your ancestry is your slightly shaped almond eyes and your black hairs. Even your father decided to give you Italian names, honoring your mother's heritage, and if we go with your logic, we could also use American-Native names honoring my ancestry. Our children can only use one name!"

Leo didn't want to argue, not tonight.

His mind wasn't on names, but rather somewhere else, two miles away, where a lasagna had probably been thrown at the wall in frustration, hurt and rage. Raphael would be sobbing, cursing and screaming, while Hazel was dissatisfied that he wanted his daughter to have a Japanese name.

If they could have adopted, Raph would not have minded about the name Leo wanted to give them. Without the drugs, Raph was all passion and cuddles.

Hazel, seeing his weary countenance, realized she had to retreat on the name topic.

"I propose that when we have an idea, we write it in a notebook and that we read it together on the day of the baby shower, at the beginning of the summer,” she suggested.

Leo nodded, even though he wasn’t really listening.

He didn't want to dwell on what Raph could be doing at the moment. He had sent the message almost an hour ago and was surprised by the silence of the phone in his pocket. He had just dared to look at his cell phone five minutes ago and he was disturbed to see Raph hadn't sent a reply.

There was no, "Yer lying, ya son of a bitch. Ya just wanna get rid of me." Or even, "It's not over. I'll fight for ya." Nothing.

The silence was more terrifying than a barrage of insults. He imagined it was his lover's blood splattering the kitchen wall, instead of the bolognese sauce, and his insides twisted. Leo hadn't been able to pick up the gun that morning, because Raphael had hidden it, and Leo hadn't dared to ask about it, worried about Raph's reaction to the question and not wanting to see the barrel on Raph’s forehead again.

Staying at the table was real torture. He liked Hazel because she was a good person and he would be a present, responsible and caring father, but the truth was he wished he was elsewhere.

He was angry at himself, that he'd acted impulsively and sent the text. He'd been a coward. Raphael deserved better than being dumped by a text message. If the reverse had happened, his lover would have had the balls to tell him face-to-face.

"Leonardo, my love? Did you hear me? Do you think I have to buy maternity clothes right away?"

The question reminded him of the destruction of his wife's wardrobe.

He nodded. "Yes,” he said. “The intruder took your clothes. If you want, go shopping tomorrow. Buy five or six outfits in your current size and also maternity clothes. You can take my credit card."

His generosity was not only to pay back his wife for her damaged clothes.

If Hazel went shopping after work, she wouldn't be home until 8 pm at the earliest. She was very picky about fashion, and shopping with her was a nightmare Leo had managed to avoid during the years of their marriage. In the meantime, he would perhaps be able see Raph, and check he was okay. He knew he'd likely receive a black eye by doing so, but it didn't matter. An angry Raph was alive, and that was all that mattered, and it would at least reassure him that he wasn’t dead.

The thought made him dig his nails into his palms, trying not to scream and run out of the house.

He had to make a choice. Two people needed him. He had made the choice that was morally acceptable, but he was still devastated by it.

Hazel continued to talk, but Leo wasn't listening, because he was still thinking about Raph. What was his ex-lover doing?

\-----

Raph's day had begun badly. Yes, his lover had spent the night with him, a fierce night of sex and passion, But now that he was calm, his needed sated, Raph had to admit Leo had almost trembled in his arms and that the steel-blue eyes, which gazed at him that morning, had seemed like those of a hunted animal.

He hadn’t been awake long when, he remembered all that had happened the previous day, with enough clarity to now see it from Leonardo’s point of view.

Raphael had pointed a gun at the policeman and then, as vile blackmail, had threatened to kill himself in front of him. He knew how Leo hated when control slid away from him. Leonardo wasn't a man who accepted violence, threats, and blackmail. Not to mention that Leo’s intransigence wouldn't allow him to forget about the cocaine and broken oaths. The deputy inspector was made of the same steel as his eyes, yielding to such a level of violence wasn't in his inflexible nature.  
  
Leonardo would never forgive him for forcing him in such a way. Even less after he had found a condom, in addition to the cocaine in the living room. Raph had indeed acted like he had a death wish.

If Raph didn't do something, his lover would never return home after work. So, he had done everything he could to make the atmosphere relaxed that morning, had been cheerful and affectionate, joking and kissing, despite his anxiety.

Raphael knew that in spite of his efforts and having seen how tormented Leo was, that he would suffer a backlash for the gun scene. He couldn't blame his lover. What he'd done had been foolish, but he hadn't known what else to do to convince Leo to stay after he'd broken his promise about the drugs.

He could have explained that to Leo that morning and pointed out that desperate times called for desperate measures, but he was afraid of opening that wound. In his sometimes childish naiveté, he had thought that pretend that it hadn't occurred, would make it disappear.

He had asked Leo for money, mortified at begging again, after his weekend follies, but if Leo was going to live with him, he wanted his boyfriend to eat well. He didn't want Leo to regret leaving Hazel and her fancy meals. Raphael wanted to prove to Leo that he had made a good choice and so had tried to coax him with his belly.

But when Leo had left for work, seeming edgy as fuck, Raph had a bad feeling.

First, he had thrown the last packet of cocaine into the toilet. Then, he had cleaned the apartment.

Upon leaving, he realized rent was due that day. He didn't have the full amount. He should be able to extend the deadline by four or five days, right? He had never been late with his rent before. The owner could wait and would understand that he didn't work anymore, after such a traumatic event like September 11th. It wasn't like it was part of his lifestyle to not pay his rent, damn it!

Ma said he was a hero, that people should have more consideration for him, and that he would have it if he tried. But Raph was too proud and loved his independence too much to beg. But he had to act more prudently now. He was walking on thin ice, feeling how fragile his relationship was.

Raph tried to be as frugal with his errands as possible, and bought a week's worth of groceries, with two bottles of fine wine for Leo.

When he got back home, he stressed about the unpaid rent and the easiest way was to borrow money. His brother was out of the question and Raph wondered if Casey had told Ma about his love life, money and drug issues. Unable to bear the unknowns and the stress, he called Ma, pretending he wanted to ask a question about his sauce recipe.

Ma didn't seem surprised at his question about oregano and basil, and was just very happy about his call. Raphael mentally thanked Heaven for having a discreet and loyal brother. He explained that his motorcycle needed repairing and that given he was still not working, he needed money.

"Ya know, Ma, I don't wanna ask my boyfriend again."

Ma seemed surprised, but not reluctant, even though the sum was significant. She understood.

"Of course your Leo shouldn't believe you are a bad partner and that you chose him for his money and not his gorgeous ass and pecs," she said.

Raph rolled his eyes but said nothing. Ma bugged him with her endless allusions to his lover's attractive physique, but if she was going to lend him $550, he could tolerate her cougar ways.

She invited herself over, saying she had fresh basil at her house.

"Much better for a man of the Deputy Inspector's class," she said, promising she would bring him the money too.

Raph, caught, allowed her.

Ma had come over, and as was her habit, she acted like it was her place. She opened all the cabinets and noticed the new dinnerware. When she'd asked about the other ones, which she'd been given as a newlywed and divided between him and Casey, Raphael stammered nonsense. She questioned him about it again.

"I was mad and broke everythin',” he burst out. “Leo bought me a new one."

Ma's eyes narrowed. "Why?” she asked. “It's not like you, baby, to be so angered. I know you have a temper, but even when the Mexican ..."

It was too much after all this stress. Raphael just lost it.

"Damn it! For the last fuckin' time, he wasn't Mexican, but it's irrelevant because Chame and Leo aren't the same,” he yelled. “And ya know what? Even if I didn't like Chame a hundredth of how much I like Leo, I regret what happened with Chame. I wish I'd gone with him ta Peru. If I had, I wouldn't have been involved in September eleventh and I'd never have met Leo. He turned my world upside down. I love him so much and it hurts, Ma."

Saying that, he let himself slide down onto the ground, weeping.

She knelt beside him, petting his braids and speaking to him with a soothing voice.

“Tell me.”

He told her everything from the beginning, apart from their intimate sexual moments. Once he started, he couldn’t stop, confessing his lies, his excesses and the conjugal situation of the man he loved. He admitted the drugs, the alcohol, asking Casey for a loan and the real reason why he wanted money. He confessed that he didn't even show up at his last medical appointment and that he'd gone to Leo's house and had ransacked his wife's possessions because he was jealous. He confided with difficulty about the scene with the gun and even his suicide threat.

Ma, horrified at what had become of her precious baby, also sobbed and hugged him tightly.

"And I know Leo won't come back tonight,” Raph stammered, tired of all his crying and emotionally broken after months of lies. “I'm too much trouble for him. A drug addict, an alcoholic, mentally unstable with no job and no money. Leo is a deputy inspector. Ya said that, Ma. He has class and he has such an important job to do. He can’t afford a bad guy like me. After what I did, I should be happy he hasn’t arrested me."

Ma opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, Raphael went on.

"I saw his wife,” he said with great resentment and grief in his voice. “She's a cute version of Martha Stewart, with her beautiful, tidy house and her elegant handmade decorations, and she's a wonderful cook. She loves him too and she's perfect. Unlike me. So why would he want a thug, when he has someone like that? I could never compete."

"That's rubbish, Raph,” Ma said indignantly. ”You aren't a thug. You're a fantastic guy. I forbid you to talk about yourself like that. You're just in a bad situation after what happened in September and if this woman was so perfect, your Leo would never have gone to you."

Ma had put bitterness in her ‘your Leo’ and Raphael closed his eyes, tired.

"Ma, please don't hate Leo. I'm the only one at fault and am a dumb asshole. Leo tried ta stop me from sinking and paid for my many stupidities. He paid my tab at the bar, he paid for the broken dinnerware, he tried to pay for groceries, and I wasted that on drugs."

Ma didn't give a fuck about Leo right now. Her baby wasn't well and needed help. She had never experienced a similar situation.

Raph had always been more emotional than her biological son and she had recognized herself in him the first day at the orphanage. Raph's previous ruptures hadn't made waves. He'd been saddened about the Mexican thug, but he would never have threatened to kill himself if Chame had wanted to dump him. He wouldn't have had this kind of nervous breakdown, Ma was positive. After he left, Raph has been moody for maybe three weeks. She also thought that Leo wasn't the biggest offender. It was fucking 9/11 that had caused all the problems.

Leonardo must be having a midlife crisis that was accentuated by the same event.

These two heroes had suffered trauma together and wanted to heal together. But Leo, even involuntarily, was harming Raph, and Raph involuntarily was causing trouble for Leo. But she couldn't try to explain it. Raph wasn't ready to hear it.

He needed calm, love and support. He needed someone who would listened to him, without explaining, labeling or judging. Trauma or not, her baby really loved the man. She wasn't sure if it was love for Leo, but she knew the policeman cared.

She had seen the passion in the captain's blue eyes a few weeks ago. And Leo was trying to prevent her son from taking drugs. According to Raphael, he had paid his bar tab, bought him dinnerware and paid for his groceries. Leo had yielded to Raphael's threat of killing himself. He wasn't a bad man and was just confused and troubled, like her son but in a different way.

She decided not to tackle the problem of Leonardo immediately. Money was a simpler problem, but a huge one for Raphael. Paying the rent directly would stop Raph from using it for other things, like buying prohibited ‘comforts’ or artificial paradises. After Raph had calmed down, she would get the revolver and take it to the police station. Two problems would then have been solved, since Raphael had already gotten rid of the cocaine.  
  
"I don't have enough money on me, Raph. I'm going to the ATM,” she told him. “I'll pay this month’s rent, and the next, until you get back to work. Less stress for you. And then, we will cook together for your man."

Raph wept with emotion and gratitude, and thanked her. He noticed that it was already past 4 pm and there was no sign of his lover yet.

"I'll never see Leo again. It's useless ta cook the lasagna."

"Raph, nonsense. You still need to eat. We'll cook together once I'm back. I'm just getting the money from the ATM."

Raph didn't feel enthusiastic, but he nodded because he didn't want to disappoint Ma.

One hour later, Ma had just taken the lasagna out from the oven, when Raph felt his phone vibrate. He didn't even want to look at it.

"Ma, if he texts me instead of coming here, it's clear that he's done."

Ma took the cell phone from him and read.

"Leo said that his wife's pregnant,” she told him, despite her fear of Raph’s reaction, “and that as expected, you guys must break up."

As Raph's heart shattered into a million pieces, his pride prevented him from crying.

"Just damn fuckin' lies and excuses,” he snorted. ”I'm just too much trouble for him. I told ya," he concluded bitterly.

Ma stayed silent. She agreed with Raph’s theory but did not want to hurt him further. But maybe it was true, too. The offer to pay the rehab sounded like it was from someone who still cared.

"Maybe not. April could tell us. You said this woman is her boss," she said, quietly, putting aside Leo's offer for the rehab. Raph wasn't ready for that.

Raphael shrugged, too heartbroken to pretend indifference any longer. Whether Leo's wife was pregnant or not didn't change a damn thing. Leo had dumped him.

"What am I gonna do, Ma?" he asked miserably. "I love him."

"For now," Ma said determinedly, "we'll deal with our emotions, Raph. We'll binge eat the lasagna and then a tub of ice cream. I'll stay here until you're better or when we have a plan that will make you feel better."

Raph sighed. He would have liked to be able to cry alone, but admittedly when he did cry alone, it always ended up in stupid bullshit. Ma was an experienced and comprehensive woman and he was grateful to have her near him tonight and to have the unconditional and infinite love that only a mother could give.

"I love ya, Ma."

Ma wiped her eyes. "Me too,” she said. “Now stop crying, sit down and eat, my son. Leonardo doesn't know what he's missing."


	23. The fight

The day after he'd broken up with Raph, his father had come from Massachusetts and the whole family had gone to a restaurant to celebrate about the baby, but Leo's heart wasn't in it. It had been more than 24 hours since the breakup and Raphael had to be feeling it.

Leo had wanted to go to the Silver Rice, a great place for sushi, but where the service was fast, because he was eager to get away. However, he couldn't this night, because his father had decided to stay for a few days.

The next day, work had forced him to stay late, and his father was waiting to have a talk with him, and so he was only finally free on the third day, when his father returned to Massachusetts.

He still wanted to go to Raph’s, even though he knew it was a bad idea. He needed to see that Raphael was okay. He was picturing Raph’s splattered brain each time he blinked, and, since Tuesday, had only opened the newspaper to look at the obituaries with trembling hands.

He needed to know, and so took the first opportunity.

Betty wasn't in the parking lot as he pulled up outside Raph’s, but he got out of the car anyway and went to the front door. He was so stunned at what he saw that for a moment, his heart stopped.

In Raph’s apartment window, there was a sign. The sign said that the apartment was available to rent.

Leo's heart pounded.

Raph was gone! But how so quickly?

His first dreadful though was that Raph was dead.

If there'd been a suicide here the police would have come, right? And the apartment wouldn't be up for rent 72 hours later! There would be evidence of it, and he would know.

Unnerved, he called the number on the sign to get information. He told the owner that he was a policeman, but the owner had no information, perhaps not believing him. Maybe he had just kicked out Raph because he hadn’t paid his rent? He should have asked his boyfriend more question about his income and his needs. But Leo has been busy with his own needs, sticking his dick in Raph’s ass.

Shocked, he hung up.

Impulsively, and worried out of his mind, he dialed Raphael's number, getting a voicemail telling him that there is no longer a subscriber to the number. In desperate frustration, uttering a cry of helpless, Leo hit the wall with his fists.

Realization struck him; he would never see Raphael again, or gaze into his sparkling amber eyes, see his ripped muscles or taste his spicy lips. And it hit him hard. He'd made the wrong decision because he had acted too soon after the shock from the gun incident.

If Don hadn’t been waiting for him that day, to tell him about Hazel’s pregnancy, Leo would have talked to Raph honestly and suggest the detox. Maybe Raph would have gone there willingly, while Leo was settling things with Hazel and having his own therapy. Maybe after two months, Raph would have been saner, and Leo too, and they could have had a healthy relationship.

But the news of the pregnancy had cornered him and, still shocked, with Don in front of him, pressuring him for an answer, he had made a rushed decision.

Pregnant or not, it was too late. He could never be content living with Hazel now. Raphael was insane and dangerous, but he preferred this risk, the unexpected, and his devastating passion, over the same mundane, boring routine and pretending to be happy.

But it was too late because he'd lost Raph. He certainly couldn't blame the fireman. By his own indecision, his lies and betrayal, Leo deserved every single thing that happened to him.

So, he went home, his heart broken, knowing he had to accept things. He would never see Raph again and nothing would change that. That chapter of his life was closed.

He hadn't tried to find him and he hadn’t wanted to make a fool of himself at Dusty's. With Raphael having moved, it was clear he was done with him.

On the other hand, Leo had continued to frequent the gym where his ex-lover also was a member. Raph couldn’t take that as harassment, or use it mock Leo for being unable to make up his mind, since he had already been enrolled at the gym! But, despite taking his time in the showers and before entering the Dojo, he had not see Raphael. He hadn't dared ask about him, but had continued to go twice a week, hoping he'd see him. For the first two weeks anyway.

But Raph was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps Raph had abandoned the gym to avoid meeting him. And Leo, unable to look at the walls of the locker room where he had undressed with his boyfriend, decide to not return there anymore. He just added a mile to his early morning jog instead, and used a new path, so not use the same one he had used with Raph.

All of December came and went, and Leo ate his Christmas meal surrounded by joy, while he had the taste of ash in the mouth. His father, Don and Hazel all seemed euphoric, and he knew he should have been smiling with them.

He had broken up of his own free-will and should deal with the consequences of his decision, but he was unable. Leo could not even fake happiness, not when his heart was broken, to the point that, despite a numb pain, he felt nothing.

Only his mind was busy with worries.

‘What Raph is doing right now?’ he was thinking nonstop.

He make only a brief appearance at his work Christmas party, but he could not escape the New Year’s party for all the Commanding officers from the 77 precincts.

He would have to see Karai again and he feared what she might do. Karai could ruin his reputation with no more than a few words. She was highly regarded in the NYPD for both her skill and her inflexible personality. She was called the Iron Lady and with good reason.

Leo shuddered, as he thought about Raph's eyes that gazed back at him. Raph's eyes had stared back at him with a similarly fixed gaze, but they only undressed him. Karai's eyes pierced his soul.

Hazel did not want to accompany him, because she was tired. Donatello has explained to them how she needed to rest, and how the first trimester was hitting hard in pregnancy. She had even postponed her charity event at the museum to February. Mitigating the risks of a miscarriage was more important too, so Leo had not insisted on being accompanied. Anyway, he could not bear to hear congratulations and people telling him that this baby was a miraculous blessing, which Leo deserved because he was such a hero.

Leo did not feel like a hero at all.

He had broken up by message text and was too cowardly to really go looking for Raph. He knew where Raph’s Ma lived. The woman probably had an idea where Raph was. But what Leo could say? I lied and deceived your son, and broke his heart after using him?

No. The woman was as fierce as Raph and would cut his head off.

So, he has no choice but to continue longing for his ex-lover, jerking off in the shower, thinking about his black flesh, like a pathetic loser.

And for the baby, maybe he would change his mind later when his grief would be less heavy, but he did not see it as a blessing at all, almost a curse even.

Leo chastised himself for thinking that way. This baby was his, and he could not love Hazel, he still liked her as a person. She would be a caring and loving mother and spouse, even if Leo did not deserve it.

His life will be a life of duties and appearance, and each day he would feel like he was a little more dead inside.

He was still thinking about it, a glass of champagne in his fake arm. It was his fourth and it was not like him to binge drink, but he couldn’t care less. He felt so empty and was missing Raph more than his left arm.

What was Raph doing right now? Was he was celebrating New Year's Eve with his family? With some booze buddy at Dusty’s? Was he was about to work at his station again, and so was he there? Or he was alone, with nowhere to live, and selling drugs to continue to use them?

Why did Raph not even try to change Leo’s mind when he seemed to love him so badly?

2002 was going to suck.

“Deputy Inspector Hamato.”

He turned toward Karai, cursing under his breath.

“Deputy Inspector Oroku,” he greeted her, with a slight bow, trying to force his features to express his usual kindness.

She took a dive into his soul right away, with her piercing amber eyes. Leo’s insides twisted, remembering the gaze Raph had for him sometimes, when he wanted to know if Leo was telling him the truth. So often, Leo had not.

“Something heavy seems to linger in your mind,” she said slowly. ”When your head is full, drinking does not empty it.”

Leo was not in the mood for a lecture. Now they were of the same rank, and he was no longer working for her, he could politely turn her away, but she was not done.

“There are healthier ways to empty yourself of what is troubling you,” she concluded.

Leo flushed, not misunderstanding the innuendo. She had the same lustful look Raph had when Leo was there, eager to spread his muscular legs.

And then, it’s snapped in Leo’s mind.

Fuck it.

He has resisted to Karai sexual offers for years and suddenly he wondered why. She was attractive to the eyes, like a deadly weapon could be and his gut told him the sex with her would not be wishy-washy. She wouldn’t fall for him, as Raph had, and it would be no-strings-attached sex, nothing overly-complicated to manage.

Maybe he would feel alive again and it was not cheating on Raph since they had broken up and Raph could not oppose it. As for Hazel, he didn’t care. She hadn’t tried to have sex with him since the pregnancy had been announced, as he had expected and she well knew he did not love her anymore.

Karai would put the fire back into his life, a cold nitrogen fire, but at least there would be danger and sensations.

“You want me to fuck you, don’t you?” he asked bluntly.

He saw a glimpse of surprise in the honey-colored irises, but she took control of herself quickly.

“Yes,” she replied, raising her chin in a daring gesture.

Leo put down his glass on the first table.

“Let’s do this.”

\----

Thrusting in Karai’s bed, Leo knew why she has been so insistent about him for all these years. She needed a power-fight between the bedsheets, someone challenging. How she could have perceived him as a dom when he was all neutral courtesies and polite blank smiles, he did not know, but he knew it was for that.

He did not remember having thrashing around in bed so badly, even during his angry make-up sex with Raph. Maybe the alcohol was making him sloppier. But she was hard to tame, playing power-bottom to a master level, insulting his poor performance when he was driving her into the mattress and holding back from coming out of spite and him, holding back from coming out of pride

It was not by any means a pleasant experience, but he was there to blow off some steam. There was no love there, just emotional release.

When he was done, he felt so drained he could have passed out, but the scary prospect of sleeping next to Karai gave him the kick in the ass to get moving.

She looked at him, his amber gaze predatory.

“I knew you would be a great lay because we are alike,” she said, while Leo was putting on his pants, ”we are made from a similar steel.”

Leo had the witty reply that she was flattering herself but he shut up, in a hurry to get home, not to reassure Hazel, but to wash away Karai’s touch. He felt tainted, his thoughts drifting toward Raph again, but Raph was probably in bed with someone else.

He bit his lips and tightened his fist.

“What happened to that lover of yours?” she asked, in an idle voice, tired out by her fight with her own body, but still with her sharp observation skills, reading his mind.

“None of your business,” Leo retorted coldly. Just the thought of the time not too long ago, when he had denied being Raph’s boyfriend, hurting him like a stab.

“It’s his loss…” Karai replied, shrugging. “If you need to unleash, call me.”

Leo had rolled his eyes at that, telling himself he wouldn’t take her up on the offer. But in the following month, he went at her place three other times, not even bothering to explain where he was to Hazel, in an autodestructive spin.

\----

February 8th. It had been almost ten weeks. Ten weeks of Leo not seeing or hearing from his lover. No a word since Monday, December 3rd. And today it was Leo’s birthday and he had woken up thinking of Raph’s, when they had got drunk and Raph had received a tattoo voucher.

The night before, he had gone to Karai’s house.

“Maybe you should try to find him,” she had told him. “I’m beginning to feel jaded about you.”

He had not answered, hating when she rubbed salt in his wounds, but she had said it in that controlled tone of hers.

“I’m sure he misses you as well. As a real lover, I guess you have more charms.”

“I don’t know where he is,” he had admitted, not even looking at her while he was dressing.

“Damn it, Leonardo. You are a deputy inspector, an influential man. You are clever, good-looking and you have money. With these advantages, the doors are easy to open! Besides, I guess you know him and where he hangs out. You are too much of a policeman to not notice the habits of your lover. So, if you want to, you could easily find him. It’s up to you! Jerk off with your pride or have him in your bed. I’m done with your gloominess,” she has concluded rolling onto her side so to not have to look at him.

Leo has been dazed. Karai was not a nice person to begin with. If she was telling him this it was because Leonardo must look pretty miserable, and also because the solution seemed self-evident to her.

She had been right. He had been stopped by pride, and it was the reason he hadn’t gone to Dusty’s, and didn’t go to the gym anymore. Maybe Raph hadn’t gone to the latter for the first two weeks because he hadn’t been feeling well, or because wanted to cut their bond.

But he knew Raph was alive. Heart pounding, he had looked in the newspapers each day, and he had never seen an obituary for Raphael Jones. Maybe his lover has left New York, to forget bad memories, but he doubted it. Raph was too much of a New Yorker for that.

This ten weeks alone and moping had not been vain, however.

He had made up his mind. He loved Raphael, he needed Raphael. Maybe his ex-boyfriend wouldn’t be willing to give him another chance, but Leo needed to talk to him and be sure Raph was safe his happy.

It had been more than two month that he’d felt like he had an open wound in his chest. Tonight, he would go to the gym and ask around him and if that was not enough, he would even go to Ma Jones’ house.  
That same night, Leo had attended his karate class.

Even if it was a kickboxing training day, Raphael was nowhere to be seen. But Leonardo had refused to let himself be discouraged and took more time than usual to shower and get dressed.

His patience had been rewarded.

Just before leaving, he heard people talking about a poster pinned to the wall of the locker room. It was about the Mixed Martial Art Championship and entry to it. The tournament was a friendly one, where basically athletes from all of the combat sports, who practiced at the gym, could participate.

Leo knew that in normal circumstances, with two arms, he would have signed up. He was better than good and victory was likely, but in addition to his prosthesis, he was too depressed. The tournament was for the following week, and it was unlikely he would feel better, nor grow a real arm, by then.

Uninterested, Leo had been about to walk away when he heard someone mentioning a ‘Raphael’. His heart pounding, he listened to the conversation.

"I don't know if Raphael is going to sign up. If he wins again this year, it will be the fourth time in a row," said a young Latino. “I see him less than before and I still don’t get why he dropped kickboxing! He was a challenging opponent!”

"I spoke to him yesterday during Muay Thai, and he said that as soon as the register sheet is up, he'll enter," the other had replied. “He told me he was done with kickboxing and wanted to know other moves.”

"I didn't know he was doing Muay Thai,” the Latino exclaimed. ”Since when?"

"He's only been doing it for a month, but he's already formidable."

Leo had sighed internally in relief. Raphael was alive and well, and had just changed his class to avoid Leo. To be certain, he looked at the schedule pinned next to it.

Muay Thai classes were on the days when there was no karate, and Leonardo refused to see that as a coincidence.

So, it was true, Raphael was avoiding him.

If Leo came to the Muay Thai class the following day, Raph would know he was only there to see him because Leo knew Muay Thai required elbow blow. Raphael might feel annoyed since he obviously didn't want to see Leo, but if Leo signed up for the tournament, he would have a good excuse to see Raph.

Nervous, he registered, signing his name on the sheet, while the other men looked at him in astonishment.

Leo easily guessed what they were thinking. Other than his karate class, which he'd only joined for a few weeks before dropping it, no one knew who he was. He was probably known as ‘the guy with a prosthesis’, and no doubt, the two young men, who were more muscular, younger and had two arms intact, would think that Leo wasn't cut out for the tournament and would be better off in a retirement home for veterans playing chess.

He didn't care about their opinions though. He wanted to see Raph and give him a good show. He didn't know what he was trying to accomplish, but he wanted his ex-boyfriend to see him in all his glory. Raphael had never seen him fight, except for the angry foreplay in their bedroom.

Excited, Leo didn't sleep a wink that night, trying to learn about Muay Thai, while Hazel repeatedly called for him to join her in bed. Anyway, why would he want to join her? He hadn't had sex with her since the Friday before she left for Washington, most probably the day of their child’s conception.

As he'd predicted, now that Hazel was fertilized, she no longer desired him. Hazel was still sweet but didn't see him as a lover anymore. She probably even suspected about him having an affair, but didn’t give a damn anymore, since her belly was swelling.

Karai only needed ruthless sex, and she was probably tired of him already. Anyway, he wouldn’t miss her.

Other than Raph, no one wanted or loved him. He didn't want this passionless life, but he couldn't blame anyone. He'd chosen this path and Raphael also didn't want him.

But Leo wanted Raph to know his love had been genuine, at least for Raph’s own self-esteem.

For his own birthday, Raph had given a push to their relationship by texting to Hazel. His black lover had been ready to fight for him, playing a cheap shot in order to win him over. Well, he would offer himself the same gift.

The next day, at the station, he spoke with a lieutenant, who had been adept at Muay Thai for eight years, and Leo invited him home with his pregnant wife, to have dinner and practice.

Leonardo had a fully equipped Dojo in his basement. He had never had the opportunity to show it to his boyfriend. It was a shame, it would have probably one of the things his ex-boyfriend could have enjoyed.

That Saturday night, Hazel was happy to be a hostess, delighted to discuss layettes with the lieutenant's wife, while the men practiced in the basement. After three hours, Leo called it a night but asked the officer to come back three more times before the next Friday, the day of the tournament.

Leonardo was a quick learner with a solid base knowledge of martial arts. Three more sessions of training and sparring like that should put him on the same level as Raph, who was also new to the sport, having never done anything but kickboxing.

But Leo knew better than underestimate his ex-lover. Raphael had never even boasted of winning these many championships and Leo has never seen him fight either. Was Raph that good? Maybe the men were talking about another Raph, but the name wasn't common and so his gut told him that it was his Raph.

\----

On Friday, the day of the Tournament, Leo was extremely nervous and anxious.

The week had already been horribly busy, with so much work, he’d been training, and with Valentine’s day the day before he had to wine and dine Hazel. The wine was forbidden, of course, and eating was not that easy either with her nausea, and all the thing she couldn’t eat, like sushi, prosciutto, or feta. In fact, he had been the one drinking, trying to hold back his urge to flip the table in anger.

He did not belong there.

The next day, Saturday, would be the charity event organized by Hazel. She was very excited and had asked him to prepare a speech. Leo, despite his lack of enthusiasm, had no choice. The Conservative Director's husband, a deputy inspector and having had his arm amputated on 9/11, he was in the best position to do so.

Hazel couldn't understand the real reasons for his reluctance to do so. That day had already been awful. He'd failed to save so many lives because he'd been unable to avoid the piece of concrete that had immobilized him by crushing his arm. Then, later that day he'd met the love of his life, who he'd now lost. And April, accompanied by Casey, would probably be there. He dreaded the confrontation, not because he was scared of the man, but because of the painful memories brought on by his mere presence.

But what tormented him most was when he'd meet Raphael that evening at the gym.

The tournament started at 7 pm. It was the only information he had gleaned, other than that there were twelve participants. When he has come back on Tuesday, to attend the karate class, the only evening the Muay Thai trained officer could not spar with him, the sign-up sheet was gone.

Leo didn't know how the opponent selection worked, but he knew that no one, neither in the Karate class nor in ju-jitsu's was a 5-Dan like himself. His cardiac endurance was also excellent. He should have the opportunity to go more than one round in the ring. Maybe he'd shine enough to impress Raphael.

He had spent Valentine’s Day dinner thinking about his motives. He had to admit that even if he couldn't live with his ex-boyfriend, he wanted to reconquer him. He knew it was egotistical. He missed Raphael's burning passion and all was dull without him.

He waited impatiently for the hours to tick by and arrived in the locker room at 6:30. Hazel hadn't asked any questions. She knew he was training, had seen him in competitions and at his exams for his 4-Dan in 1993 and 5-Dan in 1999. She hadn't insisted at all on accompanying him, but even if she'd wanted to, she wouldn't have been allowed, because only gym members could attend, since it was an unofficial championship, for fun.

Leo had just taken off his coat when he recognized Raphael's voice from outside of the locker room.

His heart stopped beating and he felt cold sweat covering his body in anticipation. It had been almost three months that he has not seen him, longing for him, craving to see his hooded golden eyes, blurred by pleasure. And now he was afraid to turn, to confront him?

He turned toward the door, at the same moment his ex-lover was coming in with a gym friend.

Leo stared, shocked to see the man who had been filling his mind and his dreams for more than ten weeks in the flesh, fascinated by the slight changes to his person.

The most obvious was in his face. Raphael had a goatee beard, like Snoop Dogg or 50 cent, who Raph liked so much. It changed his face, made him look more mature and though Leo wouldn't have thought it possible, even sexier. His thin braids had grown from an inch, in a different hairstyle..

Raph seemed more muscular too, or maybe it was an effect of the time without him. Had Raph had such impressive quadriceps and biceps when they were together? How in the world could such a male and bulky man have let Leo abuse him that much? His ex-lover was taller, and a good fifty pounds heavier, than him, all in muscle.

Raph did not look at all like the needy and depressed mess he had been ten weeks ago, but radiated confidence, like he had probably been before Leo came in and wreck his life.

Leo knew he must look like an imbecile staring at him. His ex-boyfriend, on the other hand, only gazed at him indifferently. That froze Leo to the core.

However, Raphael didn't go to the other side of the locker room to undress, like his unknown friend did, but stay almost next to his ex-lover. Ignoring Leo, he stripped, while Leo continued to gaze at him.

"Stop stalkin' me. Yer creepy as hell," he snapped, annoyed.

It was so far from the reunion scenario Leo had made in his head, he only found the strength to murmur, without even thinking.

"You didn't answer me, so I went to your house. I saw your apartment was up for rent and thought you'd died," he explained, trying to express how he had been worried.

Raph shrugged. "What did ya want me ta say ta ya? My congratulations? And even if I were dead, what would it have been ta ya?"

"How can you say that?" Leo exclaimed, offended. "You know I love you."

Leo did not even think of faking not being there to beg. He did not even speak in the past tense to express his feelings.

"Yeah, right," Raphael snorted sardonically. "How could I forget it?"

Raphael abruptly turned his back and removed his pants and boxers, leaving Leo speechless. Leo suddenly noticed a long scratch on Raphael's lower back and jealousy suddenly flared up, even if it was uncalled, having dumped Raph and since then, bedded his former-boss.

"Who the hell scratched you? You're bedding someone else already?" Leo growled.

Raphael turned around with a bored expression on his face.

"It's not yer business, Chief. Not anymore."

"You're mine," Leo hissed, too jealous to think about how ridiculous he was acting.

"Well, Fearless, I think yer arm ain't all that's damaged. Yer memory's defective too," Raphael chuckled, tapping his brow.

He was now completely nude. Leo didn't know what to say, while he thought, _‘Raphael doesn't love you anymore. How could he when you have been such an asshole to him. It’s over.’_ The silence gave Raph time to put on scarlet shorts.

"Don't worry, Leo. I'll be careful not ta smash yer pretty white boy face."

Leo's brain kicked in. "What do you mean?" he asked, uncertain.

"Ya didn't look at the roster? I'm yer opponent."

Leo's blue eyes flew wide and he felt like her heart would jump out his chest. It could not be. He wanted to impress Raph but not one-on-one in a ring with him.

"I don't want to fight you!"

"Why are ya afraid? Ya've knocked me a few times, haven't ya?" Raph sneered, gesturing to himself, putting in display his so muscular body. Leo understood the meaning of it. Raph was reminding him of all the nights when he hadn’t hurt Leo back, when he could have.

Leo shook his head fiercely. "No. It was just sex."

"Exactly,” Raph explained with a smirk. “Me and ya, it was just sex. Ya only knew me as yer submissive bitch and I'm not that easy in the ring. Hurry up. We're first. I have someone waitin' for me at home ta scratch me even more," he finished, now openly smiling with a smug expression.

Hearing these words, Leo's face darkened in jealousy and without even thinking, he took a step closer, his fist ready to punch his ex-boyfriend.

Raphael only laughed at the aggressive display.

"Keep yer fightin' spirit for the match. Ya'll need it!"

The policeman, enraged, put on his royal blue shorts. Raphael was going to regret his infidelity. A part of his brain said that he was being irrational in wanting to reproach Raphael for having a new lover, but his possessiveness ignored the voice. He'd thought that Raphael was desperate and miserable, like Leo himself was and had never thought that he'd already been bedding someone else.

Leo had never wanted to fight in competition just to win, but that was different now. In addition to needing and desiring to win, he wanted to punish and humiliate Raphael and make him suffer as much as he was suffering.

He left the locker room and while he was putting on his protective gear, he regretted it. He wanted to fight without the helmet or gloves. He wanted to destroy and ravage and he wanted to feel the blows. He wanted a real fight, as a real man. He was bloodthirsty for Raphael's blood.

Seeing Raphael smirking on the other side of the ring, Leo tried to calm down.

Anger could be deadly in a match because it could blind him and he could lose control. He needed to stay focused. Raphael seemed relaxed and confident. He was going to wipe the smile off of his face, but he had to fight intelligently. He closed his eyes and when he opened them, he had regained his composure.

Leo, then, would have struggled to describe the fight. He was giving blow for blow, avoiding them much better than Raphael did. The black boxer had strength, endurance and good instinct. On the other hand, his punching and kicking sequences didn't vary. Raph wasn't comfortable enough with Thai boxing movements, because he rarely used them. His ex also didn't have the experience of international competitions, like he did.

Raphael had never stopped to look at his innumerable trophies, medals and rewards when he'd broken into his home, to busy destroying Hazel’s clothes and marking his territory.

In a street fight, Raph would have been the winner, but not against an experienced man like Leo.

In his twenty months of Jiu-Jitsu in the 90's, he had learned to turn the opponent's strength against them. Raphael found himself on the mat, stomach down, Leo applying a painful wrench to him, able to dislodge his shoulder at any moment while lying on his ex-lover, his mouth close to his earlobe.

"I said you were mine! Say it," Leo hissed threateningly, applying more pressure on Raphael's arm.

Raphael laughed softly. "Yer still the same kinky and dominant bastard. I feel yer cock against me, swelling and hardenin', but somethin' has changed: I'm not yer obedient sex doll anymore,” he sneered. ”Ya think ya won. No. I let ya win. I convinced the boss of the gym ta let ya participate. No one wanted ta fight a handicapped person. I volunteered ta silence them. Only for that reason,” he snarled. “I don't love ya, not anymore, but I wanted them ta see that even though ya have a prosthesis, yer a capable man. Ya lost an arm ta save innocent lives when those dumbasses were watchin' the damn news. They will now respect ya and see ya as Fearless. They will, but I won't."

Then, Raph yelled to the referee, "I give up." As though spending one moment with Leo, even in a ring, was unbearable.

Leo had more or less let him go since the ‘I don't love ya anymore’, so Raph pulled away and got up, leaving the other man more shattered and distraught than if he had lost the match.

  



	24. The charity event

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picture by Momorarrw

 

If someone had asked Raphael Jones to draw a Prince Charming when he was a child, he would have drawn exactly what he had in front of him. Elegant and mysterious and with an impenetrable blue-steel gaze, Leo stood in the midst of a crowd without glancing at anyone. Leonardo looked so beautiful in his impeccable tuxedo and seemed to be waiting for his Cinderella.

Raphael bit his lip, his heart still aching.

Volunteering at April's fundraising party may not have been a good idea, not the day after the match, when Raph seemed to still feel the warmth of his opponent's body against his own. He always seemed to hear Leo's possessive voice in his ears.

He shuddered at the memory. Feeling Leo's erection against his thigh and hearing his words demanding his surrender, had caused Raphael to lose his cool rather quickly. So he'd left the ring as fast as possible, before Leo, who was so clever, discovered that his indifference was only a facade.

Raph had worked too hard to reassemble the pieces of his being to allow the son of a bitch to put him back under his control.

Ma had also worked very hard.

Seeing her baby so desperate, and probably afraid he'd pick up the gun as soon as her back was turned, she'd decided Raph should live with her. He'd tried to object, but he hadn't had the strength to resist for long. She'd called Casey, and negotiated with Raph’s landlord, giving him the two months' rent so that he’d agree to break the lease and had even given him a bonus to keep quiet about what had happened to Raphael if anyone came asking questions.

She had then seized his phone, erasing everything connected to his boyfriend. No picture, no texts, and no phone number. Raph had never had a good memory and the weed use had not helped. There was no way could he remember Leo’s number. Then she had forced Raph to cancel his number too, to prevent Leo to call him as well.

Casey, April and two other friends had taken just one afternoon to pack Raph's belongings and store them in Ma's basement. During this time, Ma had spent the afternoon with Raph's head on her lap, stroking his black braided hair. After singing soothingly while he sobbed, she told him that in a crisis she changed hairstyles or her color, and that maybe Raph could do the same thing and call Xever. Raph hadn't been the mood to try anything though and she hadn't insisted.

After four days of not shaving, he decided on his new style, keeping a goatee beard. April and Ma had enthusiastically told him that it looked great so he had kept it.

He didn't see the point of being good-looking if Leo couldn't see him, because he didn't care what others thoughts and had no intention of looking for another boyfriend. It wasn't out of loyalty to the motherfucker, but because he had no love to give to anyone outside of Ma, Casey, and April right now. He wasn't ready.

He had asked for Leo once, well kind of.

At the dinner, he had cornered his sister-in-law and asked her if Leo’s wife was pregnant. April had admitted the director had confirmed her pregnancy, which had aroused great joy at the museum. Hazel's efforts to become pregnant were well known.

The news helped to soothe Raph’s pain. Leo had not lied to him and it was indeed true that he had agreed to break-up if Leo’s wife was pregnant. His ex-boyfriend was about to be a father, and so dumping Raph was his lover’s duty.

Yes, Leo was less an asshole, but the relief lasted only fifteen minutes. Talking about Leo, which he had managed to hold back until then, had opened again the gates and Raph felt each breath like torture, wishing to be able to shut down his brain.

  
The gun was not there, but the craving for drugs still was, but with no cell phone and Ma breathing down his neck, he had no choice but to live without.

The first month was difficult as fuck, for the detox of his body but also with Ma watching him to the point he could not even go to the gym anymore, only having the punching bag in the basement as a physical outlet.

The only moment when he was alone, apart from the bathroom, was for his appointment with the therapist Ma asked him to see, twice a week.

He was not sure how a psychologist could help him. He was not crazy, just having painful heartache. Usually after his prior break-ups, drink some booze with buddies and claiming love was a bitch had been enough. But this break-up was not the same, even if it has been a very short relationship and he had agreed to go. But he had told Ma that if the doc said anything about him being gay, he was done, and Ma has agreed too.

At first, he regretted having accepted.

The psychologist had insisted 9/11 and the fact he was an adoptive child were the reasons for his present misery. But at the second appointment, he had let him talk about Leo. It has taken four more appointments for Raph to be done explaining who Leo was to him.

The therapist had made him realize something, about how Raph craved to be loved by a strong and reliable man after all the abandonments he had suffered in his life. Leo’s display of authority, self-control, and courage at 9/11 had marked him. Then Leo, having suffered even more than him but not throwing himself a pity-party, had accepted the loss of his arm with calm, like it was not a big deal. And that he had returned back to work so quickly, while the fireman was losing himself in drugs, had unconsciously impressed Raph so much.

With Leo, even the most fucked-up shit could be alright, Raph’s mind had decided and then, knowing the attractive policeman loved men too, he had grabbed onto the captain like a lifeline. The hardcore sex was a way to feel the adrenaline they had felt the first day of their meeting, according to the therapist, and Raph had to admit that even if that didn’t explain everything, there was truth to some parts.

Ma had shown the therapist Leo’s brother prescription, to know if it would do her son some good. At his affirmative answer, explaining that with such trauma it would help Raph greatly, even if the full effect could take a month, she has insisted he take them.

  
Despite being pissed off to be taking something recommended by that prick, Raph was ready to take anything legal to release himself from his suffering.

  
He had been on these pills for a week, when Christmas came.

  
Waking up alone in his bed had been hard. He had thought about Leo all the morning, wondering how it would have been to be with him for the holiday. But Ma had harassed him with errands and doing stuff all day, and so daydreaming had not been that possible.

At the moment April and Casey arrived, she had handed over a box, which contained an adorable Siamese kitten as Christmas gift. Ma was ecstatic, worshiping the animal, just like Raph himself and the plaintive meowings of the little beast told him that it wanted to get out of the box. The almond-blue eyes that stared at him reminded him of his beloved and cruel lover. But the kitten wasn't responsible for having the same mysterious look as an asshole, so Raphael took it in his arms.

April explained that it was a female, while the kitten climbed on his shoulder like a fucking parrot on a pirate, wanting to explore and having nothing to do to remaining in Raphael's lap and scratching him.

Raphael burst out laughing, which warmed everyone's hearts.

"I love her. Thank ya, April," Raph said, as the kitten nibbled on his fingers playfully.

"What are you going to call her?" Ma asked.

Raph thought for a moment. He didn't want anything Asian or blue. Finally, trying to stare at the animal, who was trying to bite his nose, he decided on Cherry.

Cherry had another point in common with Leo. In addition to her gorgeous eyes, her predilection to claw him and to leave bloody marks, she prevented him from sleeping, wanting to play all the time. Cherry was possessive as hell too, touching everything of Raphael's, so her smell was on it and she demanded his constant attention.

A week after Cherry's arrival, he has decided to go to Xever to change his cornrows to box braids and this decision convinced Ma to stop watching over Raphael so much, giving him a bit more space and allowing him to go back to the gym.

He had dreaded seeing Leo again and spoiling all his family’s efforts to cheer him up. So had chosen his new training schedule carefully, training on the days when Leo would be working and choosing all the classes when there was no karate.

The therapist had been good for Raph, and in mid-January, he thought Raphael was well enough to reduce his visits to only once a week, instead of twice, and wrote a note for Raph to show to his boss. He was advised to start quietly having responsibilities again and a stable schedule, and the doctor had suggested volunteering, before working again.

Raphael went to see Angel at the fire station, telling her everything and showing her the note. She agreed to take him back, if he had done one hundred hours of volunteering, with a good recommendation.

That was a bump in the road. Raphael knew he looked like a criminal or at best a bad boy, in addition to the note suggesting he was in the recovery from trauma, so there were few places he could volunteer.

April had then uncertainly suggested the museum. The director of curators, meaning Hazel Hamato, would certainly accept him as a volunteer. Her evening of fundraising was coming up soon and 600 guests were expected, and on other days there weren’t too many visitors to the museum.

Casey was opposed. Putting Raphael and the bastard’s wife, who'd caused his brother to lose his mind, in the same building wasn't a good idea, he said. Ma had remained silent, waiting for Raph's decision.

Raphael had argued that being confronted with the reality of the situation would help him to better accept his breakup, and the next day, accompanied by his sister-in-law, he had introduced himself as a firefighter from 9/11, wanting to volunteer to get his job back.

In the curator’s office, he'd finally been able to see his rival up close. She wasn't as pretty close up. He could see that she looked exhausted, had lines under her eyes, and looked older than he'd thought. Perhaps it was only due to the pregnancy, he said to himself.   
Looking at her straight in the eye was mandatory. At his first step in, he has spotted some framed pictures on the desk of the curator Hamato and on her wall. He had recognized one immediately. It was the same that he has torn-up in her bedroom, but she did not know that and Raph wondered what Leo had told her as the reason for that pillage.

He must admit that she seemed nice, at least polite and kind, like Leo’s wife must be. She accepted him as a volunteer, happy that he spoke Spanish too, and explained to him what she wanted him to do.

“Do you like kids, Mr. Jones?” she asked in her sweet voice.

Swallowing hard, Raph nodded. The fact was that he loved kids a lot, probably even more than Leo, the jerk. It was the reason he had agreed to break-up if the woman in front of him was pregnant, not wanting Leo’s child to not have the daily presence of their father. It was also the reason he has suggested adoption if one day it was allowed.

“Some guides are having difficulties with handling school-groups. There some students who are less disciplined and the teacher can’t leave the rest of the group for them. You could be there as support. You seem like the kind of man misbehaving kids could look up to.”

Raphael knew what that meant. He had been the black, misbehaving kid at school and so the curator was asking him to handle the little bad boys of his own kind.

On the days there was no school-groups, Raph's job was to direct the museum visitors, who were lost.

“Also, I have a charity event next month. More than six hundred guests are attending. I will need help to set up the room. It’s to raise funds for the widows and the kids of the heroes like you, Mr. Jones. Some did not have the luck to come back to their families. My husband did, but left a part of himself, there,” she said, and she put a hand on her belly.

Raph almost lost it at the mention of Leo. It was only because April was there that he managed to hold back.

“I’m tired due to my pregnancy, but April would be pleased to show you the museum,” she concluded, raising from her seat, to stretch him a welcoming hand and Raph could see the little bump her belly had.

Raphael had gnashed his teeth, imagining his lover's seed planted in the body in front of him. The worst thing was that the conception must have taken place on the same day Leo had extracted cries of pleasure from him. He thought with rage, that if he'd had the misfortune to be a woman he might be pregnant at the same time as Hazel and have a little bastard with the same birthday as the legitimate child.

Leo was such an asshole. Poor woman. He almost felt pity for her.

She also gave him a sheet of paper on her desk, to fill out his details and a flyer detailing her plans for the charity evening from 6 pm to 1 am. Raphael took it and his heart skipped a beat when he saw his ex-lover's name.

‘6:30 pm. Speech by Leonardo Hamato, deputy inspector of the 70th precinct and survivor of 9/11’

He couldn't back down. Hazel had explained again that she needed all her volunteers that night, to prepare the Beaux-Arts Room on the third floor, laying the tables and setting out the chairs for the guests and to guide them.

The dinner consisted of five courses from 7:00 to 10:00. After dessert and coffee, there was a ball and Hazel needed volunteers until 2 am. Raphael had nodded, his heart pounding, inwardly thinking that he was going to see his lover after more than two months of going cold turkey. He wondered what seeing him would do to him.

For the last two weeks, he'd been trying harder not think about Leo, not even masturbating so Leo's image wouldn't come to his mind. Anyway, he could only masturbate in the showers, because if he tried in bed, Cherry wanted to attack his hand under the blanket.

This night of January after having accepted to volunteer for his ex’s wife, he'd asked his mother to lend him her car to go to the gym, but he'd made a detour and had parked his car diagonally across from Leo's house.

By chance, his former boyfriend was outside, standing on a ladder, removing up the Christmas lights and Raphael was overcome with emotion. He couldn't see his face, but even from afar, he was affected by Leo’s silhouette.

He wondered what his future with Leo could have been, imagining helping his boyfriend decorate for the holidays. It wasn't good for his state of mind, but he couldn't help it. Whether he liked it or not, he was still madly in love with the jerk.

It was then that Hazel exited the house, breaking the spell. She said something to her husband, who climbed down the ladder. She kissed him and Raph screamed inwardly. Then she took Leo by the hand, making him go inside and two minutes later, Raphael saw Leo close his bedroom curtains. Raphael knew what it meant.

Blinded with rage and jealousy, he'd left so fast that it’d caused the tires to screech, and he’d gone to the gym to let off some steam.

He needed to close this book.

A few weeks later, his heart pounding, he'd heard people discussing Leo at the gym, about the championship. Raph didn’t even know Leo was still coming to the gym, avoiding karate night just to be extra sure. With his mouth dry and his mind full of pictures of his lover, he listened to the conversation.

The gym boss said nine people were enrolled at the moment, but the amputee couldn't participate.

The words had struck him badly. He had never considered Leo as an amputee and people saying that, he’d have to lose a lung for them to keep up with him in a jog, and they’d never been in bed with him.

So, the black man had seen red and, furiously he'd argued that Leo could kick everyone's ass at the gym without breaking a sweat. He'd angrily claimed that the policeman had lost an arm by being brave and saving more lives than anyone at the gym. He added that despite Leo's missing arm, he still worked, having a much more important job than any of them, and that he trained harder than anyone else.

Raph was so impressive in his wild vehemence that the boss had proposed that they face one another in a match. Raphael had fallen silent. The idea of beating Leo, even without really hurting him, didn't please him. But he thought with jealousy of the closed curtains when he was watching Leo’s house, and he agreed.

It had been a bad idea.

He had said nothing more to his family than that it was the night of the gym tournament, as it had been the last year’s.

Ma had said nothing. Raph had been on his meds for almost two months, seeing his therapist and not using drugs. He had been a volunteer for a month and had already accumulated eighty hours and April had declared he was doing fine. He would probably go back to work in two weeks, and each time he went to this championship, he came back with a trophy, which swelled his mother’s heart with pride. So, she had given him her blessing, wishing him good luck.

Keeping a straight face and holding back his excitement had been hard.

Anxious, at the gym, he'd engaged in conversation with the first participant he met on his way to the locker room, to help him keep his composure when he saw Leo. For a long time during his solitary nights, he'd imagined them meeting again, but he was not ready to face him at all.

Leo was there, bare-chested and not having changed a bit, and Raph has caught a glimpse of the tattoo before his ex-lover faced him. He still remembers the day when Leo had had it inked on him and his insides have twisted.

Biting the inside of this cheek, he had tried to keep it cool, while Leo was staring at him with this gorgeous blue eyes of his. Leo was talking to him like he still cared and dismissing his words was damn hard.

But what took Raph aback the most was he would never have believed Leo would have the audacity to be jealous of a scratch on his back.

It was Cherry's fault, but Raph was so happy about getting revenge, he let his ex believe that he did have a new passionate lover. Leo's face was dark with rage, his blue eyes flashing with jealousy and Raphael almost purred in satisfaction, like his kitten, who was the only body curled up against his at night, while Leo had his wife.

In the ring, he'd tried not to be distracted by his opponent's perfectly sculpted torso. He had noticed blue steel eyes lingering on his tattoo, burning with satisfaction to see it was still as intact as Leo’s.

Casey had wanted him to erase the part about love. Raph had reluctantly accepted, but the tattooist had explained it was difficult on black skin and it would be better if Raph covered it with another tattoo. Raph had pretended he needed time to think about a new design.

Leonardo, likewise, hadn't touched his. Leonardo in the locker room, had also said he loved him, but Raphael didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to be hurt all over again and trust the cheater.

He had endeavored to fight convincingly but without excessive brutality. Leo was an astonishing opponent. Raph, satisfied, told himself that after such a performance, his ex-lover would no longer be treated like a handicapped person. Damn, he was hot as hell, riled up like that, wanting to murder him with his bare hands, out of jealousy. Then, his eyes had followed a trail of sweat on the sexy body in front of him and he found himself pinned on the mat.

The warmth of Leo's body, pressed against his, made the pain in his shoulder almost delightful.

"Say it. You are mine."

Raphael had almost moaned in submission. How he could be still so ignited by the dominant and bold attitude of his ex, he couldn't understand. Leo had a unique way of getting what he wanted from him without even trying. He was still Leo's loyal puppy and he hated it.

He had tried to repel Leo, telling him the truth, but in a nasty way. He had given up and had almost run to the locker room from the dangerous situation he was in. He hadn't even turned around, showered or dressed in there. All he'd done was grab his coat, and leave in Ma's car, heading for home. He could use his defeat as an alibi to lock himself in his room, thinking over and over about Leo and what he looked like.

No longer able to maintain his self-control, he put Cherry out of his room and enjoyed a long overdue manual relief, feeling with each wrist movement his aching shoulder, fantasizing about what might have happened if they hadn't been in public. Leonardo would no doubt have wanted to claim his rights over him, forcing him on all fours, fucking him mercilessly on the ring mat, and pulling hard on his braids. Just when he imagined Leo biting his collarbone, as payback for the scratch, he came violently in his palm.

Panting heavily, he realized he was in deep shit, because he was still so in love and he had to face his obsession tomorrow night again, accompanied by his pregnant wife at the charity event.

And there he was, hidden behind a door.

He wanted to listen to Leo's speech. After having finished preparing the reception room, he was free to go home and return after 1 am, to help with the clean up, but wanting to listen to what Leo had to say about the day they met, he stayed.

For the moment, his ex-lover seemed lost in his mind, far away from the crowd, holding a glass in his fake hand, but without having brought it to his lips yet. Leo was so gorgeous, so breathtaking, that Raph had to bite his hand hard to keep from sobbing like a teenage girl at a Backstreet Boys concert or from running to him.

It was finally time for the speech and Hazel introduced her husband.

Leo climbed onto the small stage, which Raph himself had installed earlier and begun his speech in this deep, suave jazz-man voice. He recounted the day with precision and Raphael remained breathless, as he heard the such vivid evocations. Leo and he had never talked about it much, only their nightmares, and not at all since November.

Leo's narrative was so touching that several women wept.

Raph himself was crying until his eyes fell on Leo's brother in the room. Raph stiffened. The doctor could not see him. It would ruin all the volunteer work he had done, without repairing the bond with his lover.

Leo was at his conclusion, doubtlessly trembling like Raph was. His voice until then had been firm, but now it cracked with emotion.

"That day, I learned how much is taken for granted. I lost an arm, but I realized that I could have died without having experienced what I wanted from life. So even if it's advice you've already heard, do whatever you want. If your job doesn't make you happy, resign. If your partner doesn't make you happy, divorce. If you love someone in secret, tell him. Life is too short for regrets. If you have the right lover, cherish him and tell him that you love him every day! I lost my arm, but that's not what I regret most."

Raph's heart was pounding, while in a thunderous applause, Leo, indifferent to the crowd, climbed down from the platform.

Leo was unaware of Raphael's presence and perhaps the latter was mistaken, his weak will wanting to give meaning to Leo's words, which in reality they didn't have. But he had the impression that Leo, in front of his wife, his brother, and the crowd, had claimed to regret his lover more than anything.

Refusing to hope, Raphael watched Leo's movements.

Leo didn't stay with his wife, at least not very close, never touching her and when she went away didn't look for her either. He knew that if he'd accompanied Leo, Leo would have tracked him down, being too possessive, always staying in arms’ reach.

He stared at Leo’s wife, to see if the poor woman was aware of how little her husband cared for her. And suddenly he was shocked.

The rat in the lab coat, was standing next to Leo's wife and Raph drew back quickly, so they wouldn't see him, but Raphael had had time to see something. He had often wondered how Leonardo and his brother could be so different. They were the same height, but didn't the look physically, or act, the same. All they had in common was their cleverness and being workaholics.

But Raphael had perfectly seen that Donnie looked at Hazel the same way that Leo looked at Raphael.

He'd seen too much worship in his almond eyes to be mistaken. He looked again and was stunned, as Donnie touched the wife's belly and the gesture seemed too intimate to Raphael to be trivial. Could it be that ...?

Raph was certain Leo had never fertilized his wife for years. The miraculous pregnancy came when Leo wanted to divorce. In the weeks before the conception, Leo had often been with his lover, and so, not with his wife. Donatello seemed adamant that he wanted Leo to remain with Hazel, although he was obviously in love with the woman. Perhaps, he'd slept with her, pretending to be helping his brother and assuring Hazel that being the little one's uncle, a resemblance between them wouldn't be strange.

Leo, the great cheater, had been deceived and played.

After the shock, bliss took him. If Raph could prove to Leo that it was not his baby, his lover would come back.

Unnerved, he wondered how he could convince his former boyfriend, who was so certain of his wife's fidelity. Each time Raph has suggested she was unfaithful, Leo has reacted badly. Then he thought about her cell phone. Perhaps he could find evidence in it.

Knowing that if he got caught, it could put him in a very bad situation, he went into the staff room. Hazel's beige coat was there and Raph had talked enough with the museum's security guard during his breaks to find out that there was no camera. In the coat's pocket, he found the Nokia phone.

He took it and quickly left, going outside, without looking at the falling snow and got into his car to read the messages.

It took him nearly thirty minutes to read all of Hazel's messages, along with her husband’s and brother-in-law’s. Leo’s few texts were cold, only warning about him being late and Raph told himself that they were not the texts from a man in love.

But that was not the most important information. He now knew the date of the conception of Hazel's baby. It was the day of her return from Washington and when Leo hadn't wanted her. He'd returned to Raph's and found him at Dusty's, wasted. Hazel had written to Donatello and he'd gone to console her.

The next day, on the day when Leo had announced to him that he would spend the weekend with him, the doctor had written to his sister in law, ‘I am sure that we succeeded yesterday. When Leo knows of your pregnancy, he will become himself again. He needs some space and so, maybe we should leave him alone. We can go to my dad’s together. I won’t touch you. Yesterday was only to help you. You're a wonderful wife to my brother and I want you to stay together, no matter the price.’

Hazel had replied, ‘He must never know. I don't know what his reaction would be. I feel like I don't know him anymore.’

The doctor had answered that he had a prescription for the traumatized Leo, so he would be ok. And dozens of text messages, all compromising, followed. Donnie confirmed being the father, after having a blood test done, but he'd assured her he was content to just be a loving uncle.

Raph doubted it, because the doctor, so sarcastic, was far too gentle and sweet with his lover's wife.

Excited and wondering what his lover was going to do now, think he might kick his wife out to get him in, he took the cell phone to confront Leonardo.

He looked for his lover, not seeing him in the room, and unable to enter because he hadn't paid the $250 admittance fee. The policeman, who had seemed bored, must have left.

Raph was wondering if he should join Leo at home, since Hazel would probably stay there at the museum, when Donatello, dressed in a tuxedo, came out of the room with his phone in his hand. Raph didn't have time to turn around, as the cell phone in his pocket, rang. The doctor quickly raised his head and looked so shocked, that if Raph hadn't known he needed to run, as if his life depended on it, he would have laughed.

That's what Raph did. He ran, as fast as he could.

 

 


	25. Behind them

Raph had run like a lunatic followed by the Devil, not listening to the desperate cries behind him.

Normally he would have been delighted seeing the doctor so pathetic, but he didn't have time to waste. For an intellectual, Donatello was running damn fast.

If he was caught, Raphael wasn’t sure if he should fight to keep the cell phone. He wasn't afraid of confronting a 180-pound man, who only lifted textbooks, but Leo would be furious if his brother had his nose, arm, leg, or all of the above, broken by Raphael. It didn't matter whether Donnie was a hypocrite or not. Raph didn't want to appear as brutish caveman to Leo, by punching his nerd of a brother square in the jaw.

He jumped into Ma's car and sped off, leaving Donatello in the dust. The doctor had followed him, but dressed in a tuxedo and not having his keys, he had to return to the museum and fetch them from the cloakroom.

The Nokia never stopped ringing but Raph ignored it.

The motherfucker was even smarter than his older brother and hated him with an incredible passion. Don had been determined as hell to separate Leo from Raph from day one at the hospital. He had never understood why he had all this hatred, but what he knew was that a man that determined and intelligent was far too dangerous for Raph to make the slightest error.

Raph didn't know what shit the doctor was capable of and he didn't want to take the chance of being tracked by the network or whatever technological shit Donatello could do with his brain as big as Texas, by picking up the call.

The rat, if he had the smallest opportunity to do so, would ruin his chance of having a future with Leo. No matter the price, as the doctor had said himself.

Back home and paranoid, anxious he was being followed, even though it was impossible, he woke up Ma, and frantically asked for the revolver. The woman, her face smeared with cheap beauty cream and hair in rolls, refused to give it to him, telling him that she had taken it to the police station long ago.

Raph shook his head. "I don't believe ya. Anyway, my baseball bat will do the trick if the son of a bitch tries ta get in here."

Upset, Ma didn't understand what had happened to her baby, who'd seemed to be doing better, and now wanted to smash skulls. She bombarded him with questions.

Raph handed her the phone.

"Here's the proof that Leo's wife was unfaithful and that he isn't the baby's father. This means that Leo doesn't have ta stay with her. He can get a divorce and come back ta me."

Ma silently stared at the phone. Raphael hadn't said his ex-lover’s name for weeks and she'd thought that he was getting over him. She'd wanted to believe that, and that if he acted well, everything was fine. She should have known Raph was too much in love to forget the policeman so quickly and that only this man could upset her baby to the point that he needed a gun.

She picked up the phone he was waving to her and then it rang again.

"Don't answer, Ma," Raphael warned. "It's the doctor, Leo's brother, and the father of the bastard Leo's wife's carryin'. The asshole does everythin' ta mess-up my relationship with Leo. He wants ta stop me from tellin' Leo the truth 'bout his wife."

Ma processed Raph’s explanation and slowly asked, "How did you get this phone?"

Raph blushed. "I took it from the coat pocket of dis bitch," he blurted out.

Ma, hearing this, did something she hadn't done in nearly eighteen years. She stood on tiptoe and slapped Raphael across his face.

"How can you speak like this about a woman, and steal from her pockets, after she allowed you to volunteer so that you could work again?" she asked angrily. "Not to mention that April, your sister-in-law, may have trouble because of this, and lose her job. And you can't call the poor woman a bitch when her man has deceived her so many times with you, while you knew about it and encouraged him to do it. You're a homewrecker, Raphael, and I'm really ashamed of you."

Raph winced but, despite his anger, he bowed his head. Ma was right. April could be in trouble and she didn't deserve that. She was so sweet and the best girlfriend in the world for Casey. But Raphael had to take the risk. Did Ma not see that he was slowly dying inside? Was April's job more important than Raph's life?

His angry thoughts were interrupted when he heard Ma reply casually, "Hello.”

Ma, in her craziness, had answered the phone, the fireman realized, panicked.

"Yes. I am Raphael's mother."

They were a pause where the genius prick was probably bullshitting her.

"Why do you want to meet my son? He doesn't want anything to do with you or your Don Juan of a brother."

Raph moved towards her, but Ma flashed her teeth. Raphael thought he understood. Ma was trying to soothe the doctor about his mistrust, faking there being nothing to worry about, but it wouldn't work. She was a practical woman and knew how to make red wine spots disappear from a white tablecloth, but she couldn't understand the doctor's diabolical schemes.

Donnie must know that if Raphael had taken the risk to search the pockets of Leo's wife, it was because he'd had suspicions arising from observation. Why spy if he didn't care about Leo, anymore? Don knew that theft wasn't his goal, because the Nokia model was the most basic and not even worth $50 on the black market. The doctor knew that Raph had taken the cell phone to show it to Leo.

And if Raph had gone to so much trouble, and run to protect the proof he had, it was evident that it was because Raph hoped to take Hazel's place, an event that this asshole of Leo’s brother did not want to see happen, at any price.

Ma demanded to know everything and suddenly Raph's brain kicked in. Was he going to stay hidden in his mother's skirts, like he'd done when he was seven-years-old and had broken the neighbor's window while playing baseball? No. He wasn't a child any longer and could defend himself.

He snatched the phone from Ma's hand.

"What do ya want, rat?" he snapped.

"Raphael, I need to talk to you," Don said in a broken voice.

Raph snorted. "Why? Ya afraid I'll interrupt yer sex story before it becomes a love story?"

The doctor paused. He evidently remembered using the same words to emotionally destroy Raphael a few weeks earlier.

"I know I was an asshole, but I had reason to be. There are things about my brother that you don't even know, Raphael."

"I don't wanna listen ta yer damn lies," Raphael said irately. "Nothin' ya will say will stop me from lovin' him."

"Love him. I don't want to stop you if you think you really do," Don sighed. "Perhaps you discovering everything is for the best. Leo is unhappy and it is entirely the opposite of what I was trying to do. Hazel also isn't happy. Leo doesn't love her anymore, if he ever did. He married her because he thought that was what he had to do, but she wasn't the right one for him. Maybe you are. Leo obviously thinks so."

Raph said nothing, trying not to hope in vain. It was too easy. The doctor probably had an ace up his sleeve, but when Don said nothing, Raphael shot back, "I don't believe ya. Ya fuckin' detest me and don't want me and Leo ta be together."

"Yes. That was true, but I've changed my mind. Did Leo ever tell you about our mother's death?"

Raph had no fucking idea what the point of talking death was, but briefly recounted what Leo had told him.

"Leonardo suffered trauma that day,” Donnie said, “and his memory refuses to remember it. I'd like to tell you the story in person. What's your address? I'll fetch you…"

Alarm bells rang in Raphael's head. "No fuckin' way. Ya will stick a syringe into my neck and then throw my sorry drugged ass in the East River."

Donatello snorted derisively. "Are you kidding me? Do I look like a killer?” he asked indignantly, “Have you ever heard of the Hippocratic oath? I swore to save lives, not the other way around! Tell your mother to take down my license plate number. Call your brother to tell him you're coming with me and to call the cops if you're not alive tomorrow."

Raph, stubborn, refused. Leo had told him too many times about his brainiac brother.

"I don't trust ya. It's a trap."

The doctor sighed exasperatedly. "For God's sake, you watch too many movies! Do you want me to call Leo in a three-way conference? Will that reassure you?"

Raph licked his suddenly dry lips. "Yeah." Hearing Leo's voice would make him walk on hot coals.

"I can't promise that he'll answer. Give me a minute."

Raph heard the tone, then Leo's sullen voice.

"What's the matter now, Donnie?"

"Hi, Leo. I'm on the phone with your lover. Say hello, Raphael."

"Hello, Leo," Raphael stammered, his heart pounding.

"What the…? What happened?" Leo exclaimed, dumbfounded.

Just as sullenly, but also a bit nervously, Don said, "I wanted to take him to your house, Leo, but he didn't trust me. You have to tell him to do so. He'll only listen to you."

Leonardo sounded stunned. "Well, Raph. You can trust my brother, but where's Hazel? Last time I saw her, she…"

"I don't know," Don said anxiously. "If she didn't follow nor stay with you, she's probably still there. Your boyfriend stole her cell phone from the museum's cloakroom. I'll keep Hazel at my place and you'll have the whole night for make-up sex if you want. Just tell your stubborn boyfriend to trust me."

"Raph, why did you steal Hazel's phone?" Leo asked.

Don cut in sharply, "No time. I don't want to leave Hazel, pregnant and alone in a crowd. I'll take your lover home and he'll explain."

And then Raph understood why the doctor was so insistent to get him. Don threw him under the bus. He was afraid of his older brother's reaction and preferred Leo to hear the news from his lover's mouth. Raphael was, in a way, a peace offering in the family quarrel.

But Raphael was still unconvinced. It could be a recording of Leo's voice.

"I won't come and I won't say anythin' if I'm not positive that it's Leo's voice on the line."

"Raph, you recognize my voice, right? Don't be childish," Leo said slightly annoyed.

"Nah. I've seen enough movies. Yer brother may have made recordings. Prove it's ya, Leo."

Don sighed in exasperation.

"You have a scratch on your lower back," Leo said irately.

Raph then was convinced. It was really Leo, so possessive and still incensed at the idea of Raph having a new lover. He was so jealous that he couldn't think of anything else as proof that it was really him.

"Okay," Raphael yielded. "I believe ya."

Don then hung up on Leo without him being able to say another word.

"Raphael,” he said then, “I don't have time to fetch you and take you to Leo, I don’t want to leave Hazel alone, but I want to keep talking to you while I go back to the museum. "

Raph surprised, told him to go ahead.

"Leo and I were with our mother when she died. She was killed in front of us. Leo never told you about that, right?"

Raph said nothing. How could Leo not have talked about such an important event?

Donatello continued in a low, hoarse voice. "We were just home from our karate classes. It was very important for our father we do karate to honor our Japanese roots. I was average, but Leo was extremely good, even for a twelve-year-old. I think he had a brown belt already, at the time."

Don paused briefly before he went on.

"He was good, but against three Purple Dragons, Leo couldn't do anything. They wanted my mother's money. She only had fifteen Dollars on her. Even in 1978, fifteen Dollars wasn't enough. They wanted to rape her. She was a real beauty and had the same hair and the same ballerina figure that Hazel has, but had blue-gray eyes, like my brother. Leo bravely stepped forward. He was so fearless and me? I'd just pissed my pants and was crying. So they chose to rape Leo instead, because he was a pretty boy with a pretty mouth and so fierce. They said it would be more fun and he'd be even tighter. There were two raping him. The Purple Dragons are an Asian gang, but the two men were black. They were so muscular in comparison to Leo’s young body."

Stunned and horrified at the images his mind was conjuring up, Raphael wanted to hang up, but Don wasn't finished, despite clearly feeling the pain his memories had awoken.

"The other man had his gun at my mother's head,” Don continued, “so that she could watch her son being fucked by two men. Leo was silent. I'm not sure if I yelled or begged for real or if I imagined it. When the other guy saw his friends having so much pleasure, he was horny too and wanted me. I bit him and he shot a bullet through my mother's head."

Raph heard Don sob, but he remained speechless, not even daring to breathe, too shocked. No wonder that Leo preferred to be on top and dominate their lovemaking after such a traumatic event.

"The others released Leo and we heard the police sirens. I think Leo had fainted for a while, thank goodness, because they’d struck his head on the concrete. Leo didn't remember anything when he was in the hospital, except that fifteen Dollars had been taken from our mother’s purse. My father said not to talk about it ever, for Leo's sake. He demanded that we train hard for our future protection and made us train three hours a day. Leonardo still over does it.”

“Are you there?" Don asked tearfully.

A strangled sound escaped Raph's throat and Don continued.

"So, you understand? Leo sacrificed himself, but I didn't want to and my mother died. After that, even though he pretended he didn't remember, Leo became very withdrawn. He didn't try to have a sex life or a love life. He didn't even want to be accompanied to the prom, while all the girls wanted him as a boyfriend. I tried to introduce him to girls, but he chose Usagi over them. I believed his homosexual choice was a sequel to the trauma that had ended our childhood. All the psychiatrists will tell you that this period is very important in the development of the personality and sexual identity. I chose to study in the medical field to help him better."

Raph was going to tell him to get to the heart of the matter. He was standing by Betty and he wanted to know the rest before he saw Leo, and he badly wanted to see him now, so that he could worship him and heal his wounded soul and body, and try to make up for all he'd endured.

"I tried," Don continued. "I tried extremely hard to convince Leo that Usagi wasn't the right person for him. Anyway, he wasn't and after the breakup, Leo was depressed all over again. Meanwhile, I had met a girl. I fell in love with her. She reminded me of my mother and I thought I didn't deserve her. She was so pretty, sweet and… Anyway, she saw me as just a friend. I had deprived Leonardo of a mother. I was going to give him Hazel. As I had predicted, Hazel fell under my beautiful, mysterious and dark brother's spell. He is much more handsome than me.

“Since then, I have worked for their happiness, because Leo, such a hero, deserves so much more. Then, when I saw you and how Leo looked at you, I thought Leo was experiencing a second trauma, as a consequence of his first, by wanting to seduce a muscular black man like his rapists. But, you know, assumptions, hypotheses, science, they can sometimes be wrong. Maybe Leo just prefers men. I don't know. But I know he loves you and is very unhappy without you.

“Maybe I am the one who needs therapy. Not Leo. I tried to advise Hazel, suggesting sexy tricks to keep Leo, but I think that only made them both unhappy. He doesn't love her. He loves you."

Raph didn't know what to say. The revelations were so appalling that he was speechless.

"Go and see my brother, stupid,” Don told him. “Keep the phone and tell him everything, I'll take care of Hazel."

"Thank ya," Raph mumbled, starting his bike.

As he rode, all he thought about was what Donnie had told him. If he could find the motherfucking scumbag who had hurt his Leo, he thought in rage, he'd break his fuckin' neck.

Don's reaction could make sense, but skin color had nothing to do with rape. The doctor was right, Donatello was the one who was traumatized by homosexual sex and black men, not Leo, not after having his head smashed against the ground and forgetting the incident. His lover had always seemed comfortable sexually and had never acted like a victim.

Arriving at Leo's place, Raphael climbed off of his bike and nervously knocked on Leo's wooden door for the first time officially.

Leo, dressed only in dark gray jogging pants, opened the door.

"Why are you here and not in bed with your new sex buddy?" he asked crossly.

Raph noticed that Leo was more jealous of him than worried about his missing pregnant wife. It warmed his heart, stupid as it was.

"Ya dumbass. I don't have a sex buddy. I have an annoyin' kitten, who likes ta mark me like ya do. By the way, I hope yer not allergic. Cherry is demandin' as hell, but I love her."

"A kitten?" Leo asked incredulously. "I was jealous of a kitten?"

Raph laughed. "I've already told ya that yer jealousy issues were somethin'."

Leo still seemed kind of shocked and he suddenly bowed his head. When he raised it, he seemed sulky much to Raph's confusion.

"I didn't cum on your bed to mark my territory,” the deputy inspector pointed out with disdain. “And I can assure you that I won't piss on anything that belongs to your cat."

"Can I come in?" Raphael asked, feeling uncomfortable and changing the subject.

Leo let him inside, his expression neutral before he quickly turned his back.

Raph looked around. The living room with Leo in it was much warmer than in his memories and more masculine without Hazel's presence. If he played his cards right, Hazel would no longer sit on the leather couch. He would.

"I don't know what Donatello and you are planning, Raph. I thought you loathed each other," Leo said, bending down to light a fire in the fireplace.

Raph watched him, part of his mind thinking that he'd always wanted to make love in front of a lit fireplace, like a romantic chick does. The other part wondered how he'd tell Leo that his brother had deceived him and he'd never be a father. Tact, delicacy and subtlety weren't his forte.

"I was there tonight and heard yer speech. It was fantastic. Is it me that ya regret?"

"Yes. I miss you, but you know we can't be together now. Maybe I can leave Hazel in six or seven years, when it's easier to raise a child alone, but it would be too late for you." Leo's voice was dark, but his face was expressionless. Leo didn't look at him and Raphael almost dreaded the blank expression.

Even though he was extremely nervous, Raph vowed to get it over with. He told himself that Don was a coward, but he could understand the doctor's fear. Leo was dark as hell. Raphael took a deep breath.

"It's yer bro's baby,” he said. “He slept with yer wife, so that ya could have a child. I suspected it and needed evidence, so I looked for it and found it. Ya can look at it."

Leo looked at the flames and all he said was, "Oh."

Raph was dazed. The cheated husband was taking it too damn well, so to ensure that Leo fully understood, Raphael repeated himself.

"Yer not obligated ta her anymore,” he said, “Ya don't have ta stay with her."

Raph waited for Leo's reaction. He wouldn't reject him anymore, would he? Leo would take him back to his side, right?

Agonized, Raphael waited in suspense for a while.

Then Leo asked in a neutral voice, "So, what do you want? To tell me I told you so?"

Raphael stared at him in incredulously. "What are ya talkin' 'bout, doofus? I'm not such an asshole. It's not yer…Ya can dump her. Yer free."

Leo casually moved the logs with the poker.

"What would I do with my freedom?"? he wondered rhetorically. "Maybe I'll accept Karai's sexual proposition. She's wanted me for many years. She would make a presentable wife."

Raph's face darkened in rage. He hadn't expected Leo to say that, and he wasn't sure if Leo was serious or joking.

"What the fuck? Ya said ya loved me, ya jerk! Don't fuck up my life and break my heart again by messin' with another bitch."

"You told me you didn't respect or love me anymore," Leo said sternly, staring at the fire.

Raph felt like something was crushing his chest. Yeah. He had said that, but Leo had to know how extreme he could be when he was pissed off and that he hadn't meant it.

"Fuck ya! Ya know I was pretendin'. Ya made me fall so deeply in love that I could never forget ya in just a couple of weeks."

Leo was silent for a moment.

"I didn't forget our last night when you were high on cocaine and had my gun pointed at your head."

"I saw a therapist,” Raphael explained, embarrassed, “and I don't take drugs anymore, except for the shitty pills your bro prescribed, which taste like chalk. But if ya want me ta, I'll go ta rehab. I'm ready for it. I saw the doctor at work and can return there after a hundred hours of volunteer work and with a good reference."

Leo was still looking at the fire with interest and curiosity.

Maybe Raph wasn't as interesting as the flames. Raphael almost felt embarrassed at all he'd said, like it wasn't enough. But at the same time, he wanted Leo to understand that he was ready to change, at least enough to make it work between them.

"But, uh, I don't know if yer ex-wife will wanna write a good reference for me,” Raphael added, when Leo didn’t answer. “Maybe I should do my 100 hours elsewhere."

He then waited for his lover to say something, anxious to see if he'd be positive about Raph's decision and his efforts.

After a few seconds, Leo burst out laughing. "Don't worry,” he said. “She'll do that for you, but she's not my ex-wife yet."

Raph anxiously asked, "What do ya mean? She cheated on ya. She tried ta make ya the father of her kid in order ta keep ya against yer will! Ya can't stay with her!"

Leo shrugged. "It all depends on several things. I will definitely divorce her, but I first want her to admit what she did. I may not be in love with her, but I appreciate her enough to want her to be well. And I should talk to my brother too."

Raph felt incredibly tense.

Leonardo seemed unconcerned. And it didn't answer the most important question. What about them? Would Leo go for Karai? Would he want to erase Raph from his life, so he could get over all of the sad memories?

But why in the hell was Leo, the most possessive bastard on Earth, so relaxed about Don bedding his wife?

Raph, during the tattoo, had been surprised that Leo hadn't insisted on having his name inked across Raphael's chest. Leo was a crazy enough son of a bitch to be into the branding thing. If he didn't know any better, Raph would say that Leo must have smoked weed to be so unusually blasé and chilled about it all.

"For a motherfucking jealous guy, yer very chilled 'bout things. Shit! Yer bro fucked yer wife! Most guys would be fuckin' pissed! Where this fucking possessive temper of yers? Ya almost smashed my damn face over a damn scratch on my back by a kitten. And why don't ya fuckin' look at me?" he snapped, indignantly.

"Well, I was mad about the scratch, because you, I really love you, and because I already knew all of it," Leo replied and smirked. "I didn't want you to read the truth in my eyes. You know me too well, honey, and watching you struggle with it was too much fun."

Raph was stunned. Then angry. This fucker KNEW IT!

"What the fuck?! Ya knew it? And ya did nothin'! Why didn't ya tell me and come ta me? That changes everythin', right?" Raph yelled, half-angry and half-anxious.

"Indeed. It changes everything. If you still love and want me," Leo said quietly.

"Ya know I do. Fuck! Why didn't ya tell me yesterday? I'd have preferred ta have been pinned ta yer mattress instead of the ring mat and if ya had told me, I wouldn't have been spiteful."

Leo stretched, relaxed, and explained.

"I only learned it two hours ago. You know my speech? Hazel asked me what I was sorry about and I confessed to her. I told her that you'd been my lover since September and that out of cowardice I'd lost you. I also said that if I'd confessed before, she wouldn't be pregnant by a man, who didn't love her and that I'd be with you. She replied that she was pregnant by a man who loved her, my brother. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said yes. She came back here with me, took two suitcases and went back to the museum to join Don. She has agreed to live with him now, and leave me the house. I am relieved by this news more than you can believe. Without you, life was already painful, but pretending to be happy every day, for a child's sake, was a terrible burden. But, despite my relief, I thought you didn't love me anymore and had a new wild lover."

Raph was stupefied. "Don't be foolish… there is no wild crazy lover at yer level, babe..." he replied, uncertain he understood what Leo wanted. He could at least give him a petname though, Leo just did it, so… "But ya said that ya had ta talk ta her and yer brother before makin' a decision, after I'd told ya I love ya and that it had only been a cat. And what 'bout the witch at yer job?" Raph asked, upset and confused. "Ya want her, now?"

"It was just a joke, I don't want anything more to do with her. Next thing I know, I would be wearing a collar and a leash." Leo chuckled.

Raph frowned. "What kinda bad joke is that? Are ya drunk? Or high? What do you mean by anything more? You fucked her at the moment I was gone, you asshole!" he shouted.

Leo smiled, like the Cheshire Cat, flashed his teeth, and pointed with his chin to an empty liquor glass.

"Maybe I’m a little drunk, Raph, but I wanted to know how much you love me. For Karai, there’s no need to think about it, but I can assure you somewhere she deserves your thank you, for kicking my ass. And most importantly, I need you to pay me back for the last incident when you broke your promise. Undress now and come closer.”

Leo turned toward him and Raph, seeing the hunger and the lust in his eyes, shivered in excitement. It had only been one of Leo's mind-games, their kind of foreplay that they had before incredibly violent sex. Leo played the cool guy, because he wanted a needy and compliant Raph.

Raphael didn't mind. He was in the same horny mood now and he missed his lover so much. He tore his black t-shirt from his body, never leaving Leo’s lustful gaze. But despite his predatory expression, Leo had something new shining in his blue-steel eyes, something Raphael had never seen before.

Happiness.

"I want to make love to you for the first time with a clear conscience, Raph," Leo whispered. "I want to be able to express my feelings with words and gestures that I won't feel guilty about experiencing. I want to make you feel good and make up for all your past suffering. I want to take my time worshipping your body and love you as you deserve to be loved."

Raphael knew that he looked ridiculous, crying tears of joy and his hands trembling, as he detached his belt, but those words were the ones he hadn't dared to hope for in months.

"I will make it up to you over and over all night long until you have no strength but to entreat me to love you less," Leo assured seductively. "You wanted to see my house? I'll show you every room from all angles. And then, too bad for the snow, I'll show you the backyard," the policeman assured, seductively.

Leo had released his cock from his jogging pants, pumping it with sensual stokes, and maybe had been for a while. Raph had been too busy listening to the words and drowning in these blue eyes to noticed it before. It was now full erect, the precum oozing, shining in the light of the flames. Raph mouth became dry with expectation.

Raphael's heart beat so fast he thought he'd leave his body and fly toward the sky, as his arousal grew. He was now completely naked.

"And then," Leo continued. "If you're a good boy and take all my burning love without too much complaint, I'll go and ask your family for forgiveness and bring all your belongings here. And then, if you're still nice, I'll introduce you to my father."

As Leo spoke, Raphael's eyes lit up like the flames of the fireplace and he kneeled next to Leo, fascinated. It was better than what he'd dared to expect in the first place! But he still felt like he needed another confirmation:

"So... Me and ya?"

"Yes," Leo said and smirked. "You and me. Us."

"So, what about the child? What about having kids? With me, would you have any of it," the black man asked, still a bit worried.

"I shall be a suitable uncle. Nothing more nor less. I don't care whether I'm a father or not. This isn't the most enviable title in my eyes. I prefer to be your lover. I think I realized that I don't need it to be happy... I don't need to be married and to have a pretty wife baking pies, to be happy. All I really need is true love, and true love is not about a wedding or children. It's about you. All I need is you," Leo concluded in a lovingly whisper.

Raph couldn't say anything. He grinned, feeling happier than he'd ever been.

"I will also explain to your kitten that only I can scratch you and I don't share. She pisses on my uniform and she's out. Understood?" Leo decided in his Batman voice that turned Raph on so much.

"Yeah," Raph answered, shivering, so excited, while Leo used his artificial hand to pull his hair and pull him close.

Leo kissed him fiercely in the hollow of his neck.

"We'll be good," Raph promised, meaning it with all the sincerity he had.

Raphael didn't know if Leo's dominant attitude was due to his childhood trauma and if he’d had an unconscious response to it, but he didn't give a damn. He enjoyed it too much. "Come on, Fearless. Shut the fuck up and avenge yourself!"

Leo eagerly threw himself at him and in-between a tender kiss and a hard bite, Raphael knew 9/11 was finally behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to have read this long story to the end!


End file.
